A/N: Not really sure where this came from, I was just kinda in a Maiko, pining Zutara mood. Meh. Hope you like it and please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: the last Airbender

Zuko loves his wife. He does.

He loves her, and when he thinks about spending the rest of his life with her, having children with her, growing old with her, just being with her, he's excited, even if a little afraid sometimes that he will disappoint her.

But sometimes, he thinks otherwise.

Like when he spars with Katara – his friend – and she is wearing nothing more than her wrappings and they somehow end up in a wrestling match, their hands slipping against skin they were never meant to touch, their breaths mingling as they laugh, their eyes locking with intensity they were never meant to share. He feels longing in those moments, and catches himself wondering what she would look like on his silk sheets, laughing and flushed, brown skin showing, instead of on dusty ground.

And when they end up alone, late at night, in the kitchen, because neither of them can sleep. When Katara sits on the counter, her thigh brushing against Zuko's shoulder and her laugh bouncing in his ears and they talk, just talk, about nothing important or something very important, and Zuko feels free, like there is nothing binding him, no obligations to anyone, no title or duty to worry about.

Or when she's angry and he is pulled in by her eyes, her bright azure eyes, as clear as the sea and as bright as the moon and as sharp as ice. The way she huffs and clenches her hands, and how her bottom lip trembles like she's going to cry, even though she won't. The way she glares like she wants to rip someone to shreds and humbles the noblemen in the palace who snidely insult her. He admires the strength she shows, in those moments.

But then the moments pass and Zuko sees Mai, with her beautiful golden eyes, shining like the sunset, and narrow features, and feels her slender, calloused fingers close around his elbow and her warm lips graze his cheek, then his own lips, and says she doesn't hate him, her mouth twitching in a secret smile meant only for him. In those moments, he forgets about wide cheeks and blue eyes and dark skin, and only sees Mai, his beautiful wife.

Zuko loves Mai, with every breath he takes.

But sometimes he feels regret.

Like when he sees Katara run to Aang and wrap her arms around his neck, kissing his nose, and sees the happiness in her eyes, the childlike happiness in both their gazes. When he sees that, Zuko often wishes he and Mai were like that, more open about their love, instead of subtle touches that only that no one else sees, the feelings that no one else sees.

Or when Aang talks about travelling the world and all the things he wants to do, when none of them include a family and Zuko can see the sadness clouding Katara's eyes, hidden behind her warm, smiling mask. He sometimes wonders if Aang ever sees that, sees that she wants more than moving, always moving, with nothing to tie her to one place. In those moments, Zuko wishes he were there to give her what she wants.

And when Katara cries over her mother, the nightmares she still has, and Aang tries to comfort her, but can't, because he never knew a mother, not the way Katara did, and doesn't fully understand the love between a parent and child. Zuko does, and he wishes he could go to her, wrap her in his arms, and comfort her. But he can't, because it is not his place to offer comfort, not when Aang and Mai might misunderstand his want to help her – his friend.

But no matter how Zuko may feel about Katara, in those passing moments, those shameful, weak moments of his, when their eyes meet and their hands touch and he feels like he should run to her, hold her, and kiss her, he always goes back to his wife – to Mai.

Mai is his wife, and Zuko loves her. Even though Mai is quiet when Katara is loud, even when Mai is apathetic (or appears to be; Zuko would never presume to believe Mai doesn't feel, because she does, passionately) when Katara is emotional, even when Mai doesn't know what to say when Zuko thinks poisonous things about himself when Katara does, Zuko will always love her, for all of those reasons.

And there are times when Zuko thinks his life is perfect, that he would never change a thing.

Like when she comes into his office after a long day, when Zuko is frustrated and ready to set his desk on fire, and wraps her arms around his chest, kissing him on his scar, and reminds him that he needs to relax, that he doesn't have to do it all, that she can help. The way she'll push his Fire Lord robes out of the way, her strong fingers pushing at the tension in his shoulders and how she lets him lean his head back against her stomach, he is so grateful for her that he can't express it.

Or when he watches her train, watches her throws knives and stilettoes and shrurikens, and wonders at how someone who looks so delicate could be so deadly. And then he remembers the day she betrayed Azula for him, the day she could have died for him, to save his life, even when he had broken her heart, the same way Zuko almost died for Katara.

And when hen he is tangled with Mai, her hair down, silky on the bare skin of his chest, holding her slender body in his arms, kissing her temple, and she smiles at him, her warm amber eyes lighting with something he knows he is the only one to ever see. In those moments, when nothing separates them, not clothes, not duty, not anything, and Mai allows her walls to fall, to show herself to him, he loves her in ways he cannot describe, and wishes he could hold her there forever, and never let her go.

And sometimes he wonders if Katara would do those same things for him, if she would make him feel the same way, given the chance.

Zuko loves Mai, but he loves Katara too.