Stepping Through the Storm

Chapter 4 – Deeks

'She's gone…?! Just like that, she's gone…as in, not here and not going to be here for the foreseeable future…gone…' Deeks mind was stuck in a loop; the fact that Kensi was gone…without a word, a text or even a hastily scrawled note…just gone….

His eyes continually scanned the empty bullpen…everyone was gone…

Hetty had told him without fanfare…or explanation, that Kensi had been reassigned to a top secret op; and had then walked away without a backwards glance.

He couldn't believe it, had actually smiled for a minute as his eyes scanned the bullpen, expecting to soon be the brunt of a joke…while his stomach knotted up with fear that Kensi had changed her mind and was pulling away again.

But, Hetty wouldn't partake of such a joke…how would she know….wait, what was he thinking; no doubt the sneaky ninja knew before they did, the turn their partnership had taken just a few short days ago. And no doubt, though not confirmed, the two senior agents were quite aware of a significant shift, also.

So he stood there, his eyes scanning the quiet bullpen. His eyes first coming to rest on Kensi's desk…her go bag was gone…as were Sam's and Callen's; were they called away too; was he the only one left behind? Why hadn't anyone waited for him…offered an explanation…left a damn note…

With that, his thoughts turned bitter…yeah, of course, leave the cop behind…he's not an "agent" after all…not like he hadn't proved himself time and time and time again.

His confusion and hurt were turning to anger…'what the hell was going on'…they had just finished an op mere hours ago…he and Kensi were finally going to talk through their feelings and everything that had transpired…he was finding his footing again on the team…felt like he finally belonged…only to suddenly find himself abandoned and alone in the middle of the bullpen.

'Where the hell was everybody…?' Deeks mind raged, he couldn't think…couldn't focus.

He was of a mind to march right over to Hetty and demand answers…but felt hesitation as something Hetty said finally broke through his swirling thoughts… 'She had been reassigned…not them…not the team…she…Kensi…' So, where were Callen and Sam…did they know…did they try to stop it…?

Deeks was suddenly struck with such a horrible, unimaginable thought, it felt like a punch in the gut…'was she gone, was Kensi reassigned because of him…because of their "thing" going a step further…?'

'Was it his fault…' he couldn't bear the thought of Kensi being reassigned, losing her team, because of something he did…he had to know, had to talk to Hetty…plead for Kensi. If anyone left, it should be him…he could always go back to the PD…but for Kensi, NCIS was her life…

Anger and determination giving him courage to confront the operations manager, he rounded on her office only to find her desk empty… 'Damn it,' he thought, as he shuffled around in a circle hoping to spot the diminutive women somewhere…no luck.

His eyes then moved to the stairs and the ops center, but this was not a discussion that he wanted to be public…he dropped his head and sighed heavily, running his hands through his hair: maybe it was for the better, that the rather prickly conversation be had when he had a chance to put his jumbled thoughts and emotions in some coherent order.

On auto-pilot he gathered his belongings and headed for his car…; realizing after several miles that he was subconsciously heading towards Kensi's place. Then it struck him…if it was an extended op then maybe…just maybe, she was at her apartment now…making arrangements…packing…

Bolstered by the thought he sat up straighter in his seat and put on a small burst of speed…taking the most direct route he knew, trade-craft be damned, to his partner's apartment.

His hopes were dashed as he pulled up in front of her duplex…the apartment was dark…he sunk into his seat with another frustrated sigh. He had missed her…if she had even been allowed to her place…but if she had…

He climbed quickly from his car, pulling a key as he went…maybe, she had been to her place…maybe she had left him a note…a sign…something….

Deeks quickly let himself in and flipped on a light, squinting against the light suddenly flooding the living room. To the uninitiated, it seemed like a bomb went off…clothes, books, food…scattered everywhere. But to him, everything was in its place…undisturbed; she hadn't come to her apartment before leaving.

He fell heavily onto the couch…dropped his head to his chest and gave a heavy sigh, fighting back tears of frustration.

'Why…why now…damn it, they had come so far these last few weeks…these last few days…' he thought with a mixture of sadness and anger. He couldn't let it stand like this…with neither of them knowing where the next step would lead…so much need to be said…to be clarified and understood.

He felt like he was teetering on a precipice…one wrong move, one misstep and it would be over before it began.

The detective scowled as he thought about this sudden and mysterious "op" that just had to have Kensi's skill set-right now!…whatever those skills turned out to be. Not that he doubted his partners abilities…but is seemed odd that it had to be her…that no one else had her skills need for this mission.

And he again wondered if it was his fault…that Hetty or some other higher up felt the need to "separate" them…but, it that was the case…why not just bust his ass back to the PD and be done. Yeah, he and Kens could still see each other, but it wouldn't interfere in any op…surely, if he wasn't around to 'jeopardize and distract her on the job they could have left well enough alone.

As he sat in the midst of all things "her"…surrounded by her things…her scent…his mind slowly calmed, his thoughts slowly focused.

He shook his head, 'no, it just wasn't right…this thing between them couldn't be left hanging to be sundered and buffeted by the winds of doubt and distance…' He knew that he could and would wait, for as long as it took; but for Kensi's part, he again found himself of the precipice…she was still on shaky ground, still tentative and unsure…time and distance can do a lot to cool the emotions, to consider and fortify self-doubt…he couldn't stand the thought of her pulling away again.

'The hell with the lot of them…NCIS, the PD…protocol and secret missions…' he suddenly decided as he pulled out his phone, 'they had come to far…had been through too much hell to let anything come between and stop them now…'

Of course, and as he wryly guessed, his call went to voice mail…he had too much to say to leave it in a thirty second message. So, he couldn't talk to her…gauge her well-being by her voice, so he opted for his second choice…and began to frantically type her a text message, hoping she would be able to answer.

As he pressed send, he felt a wave of frustration. It wasn't much…wasn't in any way even close to being adequate to express his thoughts and feelings, but it was all he had available at the moment.

So he sat, phone gripped tightly in his hand, eyes boring into the small device expectantly…seconds ticked off into minutes…minutes to hours, and still he sat unmoving and expectant. At some point in his vigil he had reached out absently and snagged her favorite blanket from the back of the couch, her scent still on it as he gripped it tight and held it close.

As the black of night made way to the burnished colors of dawn, his eyes burned from unshed tears and exhaustion, his body and mind heavy, his thoughts dazed and scattered…the techno music that suddenly blared from the alarm clock in the bedroom startled him from his stupor.

He dazedly looked around the apartment and back down to the phone in his hand…nothing. He sat there a moment or two longer, wondering how he was going to make it through the day…before getting up and slowly making his way to the bedroom and turning off the alarm; his eyes lingered on the bed with the bright colors of morning slowly fanning out across the rumpled sheets and he fondly remembered the night he had spent in it.

Rubbing the sleep and tears that still threatened to fall from his eyes he stood straighter and more resolute…as long as he was willing to wait…willing to fight…they would have a chance, despite what life threw at them…after all, he had waited over four years…what was another few months….

…..NCIS LA….

a/n: damn but that was hard…I hope it conveyed our poor detective as blind-sided, scared & angry…all rolled up into a big ball of confusion….so, how's that for someone who doesn't like the romance genre…? I am making the assumption that they actually slept together after leaving the restaurant.