Set between the time when Jem stops being a Silent Brother, but before he meets up with Tessa on the bridge.

Jem stood at the door of the training room, soundlessly watching the black haired, blue eyed shadowhunter ferociously chuck the lightweight throwing knives at a target, missing the bulls-eye every time, but each sticking deep into the battered wood.

"I can help you with your aim, if you'd like," he offered before he could stop himself. Jem cursed his inability to keep quiet when the man started and turned around, looking angry and embarrassed.

"Brother Zachariah-"

"James Carstairs, everyone calls me Jem," he told the Lightwood. Even if "everyone" had died years ago, he wasn't Brother Zachariah anymore. He was Jem again.

"Sorry, Jem. I appreciate the offer but I'm not really practicing. I just felt like throwing something." He gave a harsh laugh, gravely and full of unspoken pain.

Jem walked closer to him, knowing he should leave instead. Leave Magnus's shadowhunter alone; leave him to his pain. But he couldn't walk away.

"You shouldn't be throwing knives in this state of mind," he said, taking the weapons out of the soft, long-fingered hands and placing them on a workbench.

"And what state is that exactly?" Alec asked, accusatorily. What did Brother Zachariah know about his state of mind?

"I just mean with you and Magnus and everything."

"For Angel's sake! Clary's demented brother is hell-bent on destroying the world with an army of demonic shadowhunters and my brother, my parabatai, is going to explode with angelic fire if he gets too worked up, and all anyone is concerned about is me getting dumped by the High Warlock of Brooklyn?! Has anyone considered that I might have a little bit more on my mind than Magnus Fucking Bane?!" Alec could see Broth-Jem flinch at his yelling and knew he shouldn't have snapped at him so harshly, but he really couldn't take much more. All Izzy, Jace, and Clary said to him was "I'm sorry about the breakup" or "how are you holding up?" He was absolutely sick of it. How are you supposed to get over a person when all anyone ever does is talk about how great you two were together?

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume," was all the man standing before him had to say in reply. Alec was surprised he hadn't left yet. It was fairly obvious that Alec wanted to be left alone.

"I shouldn't have snapped, I apologize. It's just... There are more important things to think about right now than my love life. Like trying to survive the week." The shadowhunter laughed bitterly again. If it wasn't for Jace and Isabelle, he probably wouldn't even care about that.

"There is nothing more important than love, Alexander."

Alec squinted at Jem. He hated anyone using his first name except for Magnus. Besides, what did an ex-Silent Brother know of love? All they knew were secrets.

Like Magnus, Alec thought bitterly.

"You don't think I know anything about love?" Jem asked, coming to stand closer to the wide-eyed shadowhunter.

"Did you- can you still read minds?" He asked nervously.

Jem laughed. A sweet laugh.

"No, just faces."

Alec schooled his expression too late, causing Jem to chuckle again.

"I was in love before my, transformation, shall we say?" His eyes shifted towards the floor and his face took on a sad countenance. "Still am really, after all this time. My parabatai, I'm sure you've heard his name, William Herondale."

"Magnus's Will?" Alec looked less than pleased at the idea of the man. Jem looked back up at him with a slightly confused expression.

"No. He's been Tessa's Will, and my Will, but never Magnus's. They were something like friends, but never held more than a mutual respect and responsibility for each other. Where would you get that idea?"

Alec looked away sheepishly.

"Just something I heard," he mumbled.

"Well you should be more critical of your sources," Jem told him. He thought he might know exactly what source he got that from and was disappointed that someone related, though somewhat distantly, to his parabatai would be so gullible.

"It's against Clave law to be in love with your parabatai," Alec said, bringing the conversation off of his misinformation.

"It's against Clave law to be in love with another man," Jem countered. Alec shrugged, defeated.

He was curious, despite himself, of where this story was going.

"Did he love you?" Alec surprised himself with the forwardness of his question. Jem just smiled though, as if remembering something funny that Alec wasn't in on.

"He does. I prefer not to engage in the use of past tenses when discussing such things; I like to imagine he's waiting for me somewhere out there, just like I always said I'd wait for him." The obvious pain of the memory wrote itself all over his young face. "He and I were very close, even after I became a Silent Brother, though of course it wasn't the same. I don't know which would have been worse, not becoming a Silent Brother and dying when I was eighteen or having to watch him grow old without me, seeing him die, visiting his grave believing I would be centuries late joining him. I suppose it will only be a century and a half late now..." Jem looked almost happy at the thought of not living an unnaturally long life anymore.

Alec wasn't paying attention to his expression though. His words were swirling around in Alec's mind, pulling at his emotions. He had been on the other side of that question; imagining what it would be like to age and die while the one he loved stayed the same. He'd found the idea that Magnus would still love him when he was old and Magnus was still beautiful, preposterous.

Alec put his hands in his pockets, feeling suddenly vulnerable. Still, he had to ask; he had to know.

"How old was he when he died?"

"Seventy six."

That was much older than Alec had been expecting. And yet, Jem still talked about him so fondly.

"Did your feelings change? When you saw him aging?"

"No," Jem answered immediately without needing to think it over. "When I looked at Will I saw the things I loved; just like when he looked at me as a Silent Brother, he still saw the things he loved. When you care about someone that deeply, nothing else matters. Not even time. Or Clave laws."

Alec felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. He sunk to the floor, feeling the need to sit down before his legs gave way.

He was so stupid.

And selfish.

Why couldn't he have just trusted that Magnus would feel that way too? Why did he have to go and mess everything up?

He closed his eyes and let his head drop back, knocking it rather roughly against the hard wall. The sharp physical pain barely registered compared to the aching hole that was eating away at him from the inside of his chest.

He felt a warm hand on his knee and opened his eyes to see Jem sitting next to him, looking concerned.

"I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry-"

"No, I asked for it." Alec ran a hand through his messy hair. "After you... became a Silent Brother, did you and Will still..." He let the question trail off, not sure of how to phrase it delicately.

"No. I wasn't even supposed to see him anymore, but Will never really was that good at following the rules. We still had something after that, but it was never like it had been. Besides, he was married. Not that Tessa ever minded, but still, you can see the dilemma."

Alec nodded, trying to wrap his head around the convoluted relationship Jem was alluding to.

"How could you stand that? Watching the man you love spend his life loving someone else? I get jealous of snuff boxes and distant memories, I can't imagine having to see it firsthand. Oh Angel." He buried his face in his hands as the thought struck him that, in the unlikely case he lived through the next week, he would have to watch Magnus move on. He was the High Warlock of Brooklyn, he was the center of gossip. Even if Alec didn't have friends who would no doubt be keeping tabs on the warlock, he was sure to hear about his latest parties and conquests at Taki's or maybe he'd find someone serious to settle down with and Alec would see them at Clave meetings together or walking around Central Park.

His shattered heart beat rapidly in his chest, cutting painfully with each thump.

"Don't do this to yourself." Jem pulled Alec into a hug that the younger man didn't realized he needed until he felt the warmth of another body comforting him. He clung to Jem, hiding his face in the ex-Silent Brother's slender shoulder, unable to hold back the tears any longer.

He'd been doing so well too.

Why couldn't he have just been left alone to throw pointy objects and punch things? Why did Jem have to come in here and make him start talking? Start feeling. He'd spent every moment since Magnus had walked away from him in that subway station switching between feeling like this, like his heart was being ripped out and he would never be whole again, to feeling absolutely nothing. There was no in between. Of the two, he preferred the nothing.

It was hollow.

Empty.

Painless.

He'd been through plenty of pain in his short life, but nothing like this. This was an injury no iratze could heal.

Jem stroked the boy's back slowly, willing him to calm down. He hadn't meant to start this; he'd just wanted to look at him a bit longer. To see what he was like. And now he wanted to take his pain away.

His stubborn unwillingness to admit he was hurting earlier had reminded Jem so much of Will, and now, in his arms, holding on to Jem for safety and comfort, he was reminded of his past lover again.

He'd interacted with this particular Lightwood before, and every time he was left with the same impression that Alexander truly lived up to the meaning of his name; defender of man. Or at the very least, defender of family and very close friends, and the friend's close friends and family. He was always playing the role of level headed protector, keeping everyone else on track. The tenacity with which he cared for his siblings was a distinctly Herondale trait and Jem felt the overwhelming urge to continuing holding him until he was done crying, to tell him that it was okay to need others as much as they needed you. He wanted to reassure him that crying didn't make you weak and letting yourself love was never a mistake, even if it ended in this.

But he couldn't. It wasn't his place.

This wasn't Will.

Instead he simply allowed Alec to cry his fill without remark other than the occasional "it'll be alright," continuing to hold him until the upset shadowhunter felt ready to pull away.

Alec wiped his eyes on the back of his worn sleeve, his cheeks brightening furiously.

"I'm sorry," he said, breath catching a little from the sobbing.

"You have nothing to apologize for." Jem pushed a few wayward strands of hair from Alec's face, tucking them behind his ear. Alec flinched slightly at the contact, despite the fact that he'd just been wrapped in the other man's arms. This simple act was decidedly more intimate. Jem pulled his hand away quickly, realizing he'd overstepped his boundaries unintentionally.

Alec offered a weary, tear soaked smile.

"I remind you of him too, don't I? I've heard we look alike."

It wasn't said to cruelly or angrily, just as a curious nonchalant comment. Still, it caught Jem off guard.

"Yes, you do bare a resemblance. Probably more so in my mind than I reality." He looked away, guiltily.

"It's alright. I don't mind it so much when it's not coming from my boyfriend- ex boyfriend I mean." Alec nearly choked on the word. He needed a distraction. Something to take his mind off the searing pain in his chest or the emptiness that would replace it. He needed to feel something else, anything else. He needed to do something.

Jem put a reassuring hand on Alec's, flashing him an 'it will get better' smile.

An idea flashed across Alec's brain and he dismissed it almost immediately.

That wouldn't help things.

He couldn't.

Jem wouldn't.

But maybe...

"You miss him?"

"Immensely," Jem replied without hesitation.

"And you think about him still?" Alec's heartbeat was rising, his body trying to talk him out of what he was about to attempt.

"All the time. Especially when black haired, blue eyed shadowhunters cross my path," Jem said lightly, hoping he wasn't offending Alec.

On the contrary. It was the response the younger man was hoping for.

They were still sitting very close, Alec was practically already in his lap, just a quick shifting and there he was: straddling the man who used to be brother Zachariah on the floor of the training room about to do something he was likely to regret deeply.

He did it anyway.

Jem breathed in sharply when Alec climbed into his lap, faces inches apart, those impossibly blue eyes staring intensely into his with unknown purpose. He had barely the time to open his mouth to ask what was happening when it was suddenly covered by Alec's. The kiss was hard and needy, like Alec was searching for something in it.

And he was.

Distraction.