So ehm yay I´m not dead. However, the last few years have been a bit hard so basically, I've dropped most of the things I enjoy, but I have been trying to make myself start to write again. I apologize for the mistakes and so forth as it has been quite a while since my written English has been in use. I have no idea if anyone is still going to be reading this, but I wanted to take it back up, and so I am.

The Disir

Merlin took a deep breath before she opened the door to Gaius's chambers, Gwaine had told her in passing that he'd let him know what happened. Merlin had chucked him over the ear and demanded to know what he had been thinking, she hadn't wanted Gaius to know. When her eyes found Gaius he was sitting at the table with two steaming cups in front of him, of what Merlin figured were tea made on chamomile as it had calming properties, but Merlin thought it tasted awful.

Gaius's eyes looked at her all the way from her feet to the top of her head, it lingered at the unknown shirt she still wore and her split lip. "Have a cup of tea with me Merlin, and tell me; are you alright?" Merlin made sure she had a suffering look on her face as she sat down, the closer she had gotten to the table the stronger the smell. She had been correct, chamomile tea, yack. "Really Gaius? Chamomile. You know how I feel about that stuff, why not Belladonna?"

Gaius lifted that damn eyebrow of his, "Belladonna tea? That would be poisonous." Merlin looked into her cup and back up at Gaius "And this isn't? Still think the Belladonna would be preferable." She said with a slight smile. Gaius just kept looking at her in that intense way she hated, she actually wondered if that look had a bit of magic in it. She always, always ended up talking when he looked at her like that. It was quite unsettling really.

"I'm fine Gaius. I was a little shocked at first, couldn't stop shaking but that's gone now. Don't know why I didn't see it coming really, everybody knows what he's like and I've rejected him for years. I guess it was just a matter of time before he snapped." "it's good to know that you are fine Merlin, but it should never have gone that far before someone put a stop to him. He didn't... penetrate?" Gaius looked uncomfortable asking her, but Merlin was willing to bet that he wasn't as uncomfortable as her.

"NO! No, he didn't get that far. Mordred came and stopped him before that happened." Merlin cursed her flaming face to high heaven, "That's good to hear. But how come did you let it come to that?" Merlin sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, "I was lost in thought, and they snuck up on me. Hit me over the head and I became disoriented long enough for them to get the upper hand."

Again, with the eyebrow, she thought. "And how was Modred's first official patrol, any concerns?" Merlin made a face that could be both positive and negative, but mostly a nuh face. "You think he's not ready?" Gaius asked as she left the table, and went up the stairs to where Gaius kept his books, she started pulling a few out and flip through.

"It's not that. He's an excellent swordsman. The makings of a fine knight." She answered slowly while she thought about how to answer truthfully but still vaguely, because as far as Gaius knew she was still against everything to do with him. She needed more time to think it through before making any final decision on what to do. "You think he's too young? Too headstrong?" Merlin put the book down in frustration before picking up another and mumbled, "He's always been thoughtful and modest. And he's not that young."

Gaius looked incredulously at her and said with an air of confusion, "The boy sounds perfect, Merlin. What are you looking for up there?" Merlin looked down at Gaius " he's not perfect, nobody is, and I can't ignore what I saw. Gaius, Mordred is destined to play a part in Arthur's death. I'm looking for a book." The last part was said in a tone that suggested that what she was doing should be fairly obvious. She hoped he would elaborate on his thoughts without input from her, she needed to know what he thought. Not what he thought she wanted to hear.

"Perhaps, perhaps not. The future has many paths. That is only one. Have you ever seen him show anything but kindness towards Arthur?" Merlin bit her lip to stop a smile from showing on her face as he was saying pretty much what she had started to believe herself. "If Mordred wished Arthur ill, he has had ample opportunity to do so. He's a likable boy, Merlin." Merlin felt a slight blush rise to her cheeks and that unease in her stomach start up again, she turned her back on Gaius to he wouldn't catch sight of her burning face.

"I know. I know Gaius, I like him myself, but I can't ignore what I saw. I saw him kill him; I can't just ignore that." "Seeing is not the same as knowing. And we must know – for certain before we act. Tell me, what book you are looking for; you are making quite a mess of my books Merlin." Gaius glared at her, so she just sighed and started putting the books back into their respective places. "I'm looking for something on the disir. What?" at the mention of the disir Gaius had paled to an even whiter skin tone than his usual.

"Merlin. This is very important, why are you looking for information on the disir?" "because we ran into a man on the way back who gave Arthur what looked like a runemark and told him the disir was going to judge him." She squirmed a little because with the way he was looking she really didn't want to tell him that apparently, she was on trial too. But she should have known it wouldn't work, and she swore that someday she was going to suggest to Arthur that they should always let Gaius interrogate unwilling prisoners. He'd make them tell every dirty little secret within 10 minutes of being in the same room with them.

"Merlin, what aren't you telling me?" Merlin blew air out her mouth in such a way that her cheeks blew up while she looked off to the side. "fine, you win. They may have put Emrys on trial too for neglecting her duty." She walked down from the book landing and leaned against the wall with her arms crossed in front of her. "Tell me everything. Leave nothing out." And so she did, she told him about Osgar, and how he had died delivering the runemark to Arthur, how both Arthur and she stood at the judgment of the disir for fighting the Old Religion. In the end, he asked her to get Arthur and bring him back with her.

Merlin was leading Arthur to Gaius as she had been asked because she had told Gaius that Arthur did not take the runemark seriously. Where Arthur was nonchalant, Merlin was concerned. It was not just Arthur the Disir found wanting, but her too it would seem. She couldn´t help but wonder if they were right, had she abandoned her destiny? Merlin knew that she had grown harsher in her years in Camelot, she wasn't the naïve young girl who dreamt of freedom for all anymore. She had become jaded and bitter in her views on her own kind.

Maybe that colored her view on Mordred too, she had seen too much evil to believe in silly words and promises of loyalty and friendship. A good thing came from being judged by the Disir she supposed. She at least didn't have the time to think about Mordred, or what had happened with her near-rape.

As Merlin lead Arthur through the door into Gaius´ and her home, the man in question rose from the table and addressed the king. "Sire, thank you for coming. Please." Gaius indicated for Arthur to sit, at the table while Merlin followed behind her king, whom she also considered being one of her brothers, her best friend.

"Tell me Merlin's got you believing her nonsense too, Gaius," Arthur said as he made his way to the table and sad down. Merlin made a face to the back of his head, just because she could and she felt like it was the, well not polite, but more logical than hitting him would be. Gaius, however, ignored her completely in order to hold up the runemark between himself and the King.

"This is a runemark, my lord," Gaius said instead of answering what was clearly a rhetorical question. Merlin could almost feel the way Arthur internally rolled his eyes as if he was getting ready for whatever Gaius would say, that he clearly didn't agree on. "So everyone keeps telling me." Ended up being his response, while Merlin just looked at him to see how he would take this. From what she understood, no one wanted to cross the Disir, or at least that was what she had gathered from Mordred's waring and what Gaius had said before he had sent her after Arthur.

"In times past, this mark aroused great fear. It was given to those found wanting by the court of the Disir." Gaius said, and Merlin just had to ask, "The Disir?" both because she wasn't sure what it even was other than someone who judged you, and because Arthur would expect her to be as clueless as him when it came to magic and most things related to it. Even if she often had to explain magic to Arthur when they ran into it.

"The highest court of the Old Religion. Three women were chosen at birth to be trained as seers and soothsayers. Their only task was to interpret the word of the Triple Goddess. When they sat in judgment, their word was final." Merlin could feel her blood run cold at the explanation. These three women had interpreted the Triple Goddess´ word about her to mean that she was failing in her calling, her destiny to bring magic back to the land. To make Artur The Once And Future King that so many people were waiting for, were praying for.

Normally she really couldn't care less what people she didn't know the thought of her, but this time it mattered. She had heard what some in the magic community called her; The Killer Of Her Own Kind. In the back of her mind she also saw Mordred´s face as he had told her what she was called, he had been disappointed in her. As though he expected more from her. In the old days, she herself would have expected more, but that was then. Now she wasn't so sure but looking at Arthur, she could see him weaver. She could see the unease he felt.

"This worn-out superstition has no relevance now. I don't see how what bearing it has on me or Camelot." Merlin frowned when she could also hear Arthur´s unease in his voice. It was a testament to just how rattled he was that he let it show to others than her or Gwen. Merlin let her eyes turn from Arthur to Gaius and could also see how worried he was for the King, and it showed when he answered in a worried voice to warn Arthur.

"Because, sire, the Disir saw fit to give you this. This is the judgment of the gods against you." Arthur was silent as he looked worried in a way Merlin rarely saw when it didn't have anything to do with Morgana. "It wasn't just for me. The runemark. It wasn't just for me though." "What do you mean Sire?"

"Osgar said that the judgment also is for someone named Emrys. A witch he said. Something about her being promised didn't matter when she was abandoning her destiny. He also said that she would not need to be handed a runemark, because she would know that it was also for her. He said she always knows when something happens to me. Do you know the name?"

Merlin looked to the floor as she felt Gaius turn his disapproving gaze to her. "Emrys? Yes, I know of her. All in the magical community know of her. You say that The Disir thinks that she is abandoning her destiny?" Merlin had rarely wished to be able to sink into the floor as much as she did at that moment. She hated when people talked about Emrys and she was there to actually hear it. They were talking about her, and sometimes the people who did the talking had no idea that it was her.

"What do you know about her, and this destiny that she is abandoning?" Arthur leaned forward with his elbows on the table and stared intensely at Gaius. "I´ll tell you what I know Sire, it´s not much I can tell because of the extended time period since I have had contact with the druids. That being said, Emrys is a witch of legend, she is said to be born of magic. She didn't have to learn it the way it is with just about everyone else, for her, it is just who she is. Her destiny is supposed to be to protect and guide The Once And Future King. I suspect you have kept her quite busy since before you were king."

Artur frowned at Gaius before looking to Merlin, with a skeptical look as though he didn't believe that some witch could possibly want to protect him. While Merlin could understand his disbelief, considering how much she had busted her ass off trying to save him multiple times, it did hurt a little. She could admit that, at least to herself.

"… and the part where she knows all that happens to me? Does this mean that she is here in Camelot, or that there is some magic at work?" "This I cannot answer Sire." Arthur leaned back in the chair and had a pensive look on his face before focusing back on Gaius. "This is...nonsense, surely? The Disir?" Merlin could both hear and see that it was important to him that Gaius would tell him that it was nothing that he should be concerning himself with. She could have told him that that was not going to work because she had heard the conviction in his voice as he talked about the Disir.

"The Old Religion held that the runemark not only contained a man's guilt but the path that the gods had chosen for him. That is why it is both a judgment and fate. However, it is surprising that they saw it necessary to include Emrys Sire." Arthur stood from the chair and Merlin could she bot on his face, but also in his body language that he was annoyed. "I make my own path." Merlin pushed off the table she had been leaning against to follow Arthur out. She was not going to stay around to listen to the lecture she knew was in her future, if she could postpone even if just for an hour or two… she would take it.

"Do you? It is said that only the gods can alter a man's fate... And even then, only when he repents and appeases them." Gaius said after Arthur and Merlin turned to Gaius at the same time as the King. There it was again, one of her least favorite words. Fate. She really didn't need more on her plate right now. She had quite enough to deal with, without three old women in a cave. They were probably in a cave, because… well, weren't there always a cave?

"You don't believe any of this? Gaius?" Arthur implored the physician who held up the runemark and looked from it to Arthur and sighed while carefully saying, "I am an old man, sire. Old enough to be wary of dismissing other people's beliefs. And they believe that you and Emrys are found wanting." Arthur was holding the runemark in his hand as they left for his chambers.

Merlin was leaning against a pillar in the royal bedchamber, while she was watching Arthur agitatedly walking at a brisk pace across the floor in front of her. Back and forth, back and forth while pulling on the strings on his tunic. "Have I not made Camelot a fairer and more just kingdom?" Arthur asked her in an equally agitated tone. "You have, my lord."

"Have I not rid it of the cruelties and injustices of the past?" Merlin´s eyes followed Arthur´s form to the cabinet and watched as he pulled the tunic off. "You have." Merlin kept her answers short, because really, what could she say? She had her own worries.

Arthur was hanging his tunic inside, as his shoulders sank as if they were suddenly carrying a great weight. "I am not my father." "No." Arthur shut the door and turned to look at her, "Then why do they judge me so?" Merlin looked to the floor with a frown before looking back up and met her friend's eyes, she gave a slow answer, "I'm not sure I'm the person to ask."

"I am asking you...Merlin. Friend to friend." Arthur had been walking again but had stopped in front of her and was looking her in the eyes. He wanted her thoughts on this, it mattered to him what she was thinking. Merlin figured it was because she had known him for years and had never minced her words just so he could hear what he wanted. Sometimes Merlin hated that he wanted her truth when she spent so much of her time lying to him. About whom she really was. "Well, perhaps they feel you are worthy enough to be judged."

"What do you mean by that?" Merlin was considering her words carefully, because just because she told him how it was didn't mean that she couldn't formulate it in a way that didn't offend. This was too important. "Judgement is wasted on a...man who won't listen." "Merlin? Do you have a moment to meet with me?" Merlin almost jumped a foot in the air in fright and was quite happy, that Arthur was not looking at her right then. She would have been in real trouble if that had been the case.

"Not at the present time, no. Is it important?" Merlin felt proud that she could act so nonchalant because she was feeling anything but it. She didn't know if it was done on purpose, but with his mind speech came a feeling of his magic wrapping around her. It brought her a sense of security, of peace. Merlin let herself be swept away for just a moment as her mind took her back to just a few days ago. She could hardly believe that she had been wrapped around in on the ground as he made her forget everything, so much had happened since then.

"Will you let me know when you have time? If you want to meet me of course." "I'll talk to you later, okay." Sometimes Merlin was a master at lying to herself, but this time she didn't want to. She wanted to be selfish and take what she wanted. But she knew, she couldn't. Mordred himself had told her, that as long as she didn't trust him, he could not be with her. And she understood that she really did. However, that did not make it stink any less.

If all she was going to have of him was their one night together, she would just have to be okay with that. She really, really wasn't okay with it. She knew that she should be more affected by what had almost happened to her, how it shouldn't make her want to crawl into man's arms and have sex. But somehow, she had put her attack behind her. Maybe it was because, well compared to all the other shit that kept happening to her, it was really nothing. She hasn't violated, even if it had been a close call.

"You think I should take them seriously?" Arthur's voice broke through her inner monolog and brought her back into the real world again. It took her just a few more seconds to figure out what he was talking about than she would ever admit to anyone. Here she was, off in Mordred Lala land while her best friend and king were having a crisis. "I think you already have. What will you do about the witch? This Emrys."

Merlin barely took a breath while waiting for his answer. "Magic is outlawed in Camelot. There is but one thing I can do if I have to. Now get out Merlin, I need to think and you need to take a few hours to yourself. I really am sorry about what almost happened to you, and how far he got. He will never be allowed to come near you again."

Merlin gave her king a small smile because even though she didn't need the time because of the attack, she needed it to find Mordred. "Thank you. I'll be fine, don't worry about it, but I could need a bit of a laydown."

"Where are you?" Merlin let her feet carry her to where they wanted, all the while her sub-consciousness called out. "I'm in my room, but I can meet you somewhere else." Merlin could feel Mordred's magic wrap around her again. While Merlin thought Mordred's concern was sweet, she didn't have any need for it. She wouldn't break by being alone with him. She may not trust Mordred when it came to Arthur, but she trusted him to not touch her. But did she really trust herself to not touch him?

The problem was that she did want him to touch her, but she had made a promise to herself. One night would have to be enough. It had to be. "I´ll come to you." Merlin almost snorted when she noticed where her feet were taking her. She was almost at his room as it were. As she let her feet take her the rest of the way to him, she let her mind wander to wherever it wanted to go, and it went to her newest problem. The Disir.

It would seem, that she was in real trouble this time. This wasn't just your random sorcerer who had it out for Arthur and the kingdom, this was the high court of the old religion, and Merlin had no idea how she was going to get out of this one. Maybe they were right about her, she did spend more time making sure that the only magic in the kingdom was her than she did try to make Arthur see that not all magic was bad. But how exactly could she tell him that magic didn't make you evil or corrupt you when Arthur´s own sister was a perfect example of just how much it could corrupt?

As Merlin raised her hand to knock after looking around to make sure that there was no one around to see her, the door opened before she even touched it. Mordred stood in the doorway and Merlin tried and failed, to not notice that he had had the chance to wash away the dirt of the last few days. His hair was still slightly wet, so the ends of it clung to his skin. On his neck it caused droplets of water to leave trails down to his shirt, a shirt which was almost identical to the one she was still wearing. This was going to be harder than she expected it to be.

It surely didn't help either that Merlin noticed how Mordred´s eyes darkened at the sight of her still in his shirt. Merlin walked past him into the room when he stepped a bit to the side to let her in, and Merlin did her best to not let her eyes stray to the bed at the other end of the room. Merlin went to the table and leaned turned around to face Mordred and lean her ass on the edge. Merlin let herself have a small victory dance as she saw his eyes snap away from where her ass had just been.

"What do you know about the Disir?" "Gaius told me about them and what they do." Merlin crossed her arms in front of her. Mordred took a step closer to her, his hands folded behind his back and leaned forward, tilted his head slightly to the side. "And?" "And what? I´m screwed, that's what. I have no idea how I´m going to make this one right." Merlin threw her hands in the air, only for Mordred to smile at her. "Are you telling me that the great Emrys doesn't know how to convince some women, that she hasn't given up?"

He had been moving towards her while speaking and ended up standing right in front of her, his hands on her shoulders. Merlin felt lightheaded as she felt his thumbs move under her scarf to trace her collarbones. Her eyes left his and looked at his lips because sweet Nimue she wanted to taste them. Merlin both saw and felt herself lean in at the same time as Mordred did, only to jump back at the sound of knocking on the door.

Merlin stared wide-eyed at the door, someone had just saved her from herself and her stupid hormones. "Who is it?" Merlin looked around her in panic for a place to hide, in case it was someone who wanted to come in. "It´s Arthur. Do you have a moment?" Merlin didn't hear his answer as she drove as fast and silently as she could at the bed to hide behind it. As she landed on her stomach, she could have sworn she could hear Mordred laughing quietly at her. "Don't laugh at me Mordred. You can let him in now."