"Because of the life that I lead, I think it's better to not be with someone I could really care about."

Sometime during his teens, Oliver forgot what it feels to dream. Between having too much money to buy whatever he wanted and more and the five years he spent away from his life, left to die and reborn as a killer, it wasn't surprising that he lost the ability to yearn – something as simple as wishful thinking.

Of course, that was when he met his undoing: Felicity. She was beautiful, smart, adorably awkward and the only one to be able to make him crack a genuine smile. Felicity captivated him from the first moment he saw her. But like the stubborn fool that he had always been, he'd only realized what that meant almost one year later when he was back in his purgatory – the island where he almost died surrounded by grief and bittersweet memories.

It was in the island that he realized that the most vivid memories of his life – aside from Tommy dying in his arms – was Felicity smiling or frowning in deep concentration while looking at her screen. She's one of those people his mother warned him about: the ones who burn brighter than sunshine. Not just because of her colorful style sense or her bright lipsticks and colored nails, but her whole personality. She was so cheerful, lighthearted and genuinely good that sometimes Oliver was afraid that his own darkness would touch her and stain her vivacious character. That was one of the things he was most terrified of. So, when he realized the reason behind the constant presence of Felicity in his mind for all these months were because he wanted to be with her and no one else, he vowed to keep his distance. He knew she also felt something more for him than just friendship and he could get her to care for him even more. But he realized that he couldn't do that to her.

When Felicity became part of the mission, he promised to himself and to Diggle that he'd protect her. He would keep his promise, even if it means that the person he would need to protect her from was himself. He wouldn't let her in more than she was already. It was dangerous for both of them. Even if the Hood life was the reason that brought them together in the first place, it was the same reason keeping them apart. Felicity would become a more obvious target if she is with him and someone finds out that he is the vigilante. So it is better that he keeps his heart to himself.

Oliver scoffed at the thought and shook his head.

No, that has already happened. He cared about her more than he should. If Oliver ever started a relationship with Felicity, he would fall head over heels in love with her and that was a frightening thought.

Oliver needed to be in control of his life and his feelings. As the city vigilante, he couldn't let his feelings take over his life. He needed to think, be smart and always keep his guard up. Even around Felicity.

Especially around Felicity.

He hoped Felicity would not ever realize that if she pushed him instead of respecting his space, all the walls he built around his heart would all come down. He was walking on thin ice with her. One of the two things would eventually happen; he would either succumb to his wishes or she would find someone who will give to her what he cannot. He had no idea which option would have the worst fallout, but he tried to concentrate on his original plan. He believed that his stubbornness and willpower would keep his actions in check but that would not mean control over his thought – his thoughts about Felicity.

He couldn't deny that sometimes when he looked at her, he could almost see the life he would not ever have.

He felt foolish every single time his mind would wander and he would end up thinking how all of his daily scenarios with Felicity would play out if they were together.

Instead of only seeing her in the morning when he arrived at the company, she'd be the first person he would see when he wakes up. Her hair would be sprawled on his pillows, her skin a little red thanks to the scratches of his beard and her arm around his waist. She'd be hogging the sheets and pillow, but he wouldn't care because he'd be too busy snuggling against her warmth. While she would be working, he wouldn't need to watch her from afar, he would just stand behind her chair and play with a few strands of her ponytail or kiss her shoulder just to make her pay attention to him for a bit. If she had her hair tied, he could annoy her by setting it free and muffling all her complaints with his mouth until she would gave in and let him kiss her senseless. When they would need to be away from each other instead of saying "see you soon" or "talk to you later", he could lean in and give her a peck on her lips. If he was hurt on a mission, he wouldn't need to hide it from her. He would take comfort in her taking care of him.

Felicity would touch him all the time: they would hold hands, she would cup his face to kiss him softly, and her shoulder would brush against his when they would be sitting next to each other. He could openly ogle at her in those lively dresses that seemed to be designed to drive him crazy. He'd be the reason she would cry in throes of passion.

He'd put a sincere smile on her lips when he would surprise her with her favorite coffee or the most expensive flowers he could find. She would go home with him. No more lonely nights with television and an empty house for company. She'd fill all the vacant spaces of his mansion and his heart too. She'd bring her light into his darkness and he'd do anything he could to keep her burning as bright as ever.

If he was honest, he would admit that the only thing he desperately wanted was to be the reason that makes Felicity happy.

And he knew he could not ever be that reason.

Everything he touches is damned: Sara, Laurel and even McKenna. He would not do that to Felicity. Not her.

He could not be her happy story, even if he wanted to. Not with the life he lead.

She deserved someone who wasn't broken like him. Someone who has been good all his life, not a man whose life was a series of one terrible decision after another.

He may need her, but she honestly never needed him at all. On the contrary, she would be better off without him.

Even if it was foolish, he kept daydreaming about an alternate life with Felicity. It helped him to keep things in perspective. His wanderings made it clear to him just how wrong he was for her and why he needed to keep his distance. It was the least he could do for her.

So, tomorrow when he would go to his office, he would smile at her, wish her a good morning and pretend that he did not spend half his day watching her through the glass that separated their office. At night, the two of them would go to the lair and fight crime with Diggle's help. And then he would say good night and watch her walk away from him as he would try to not think about his empty life and how different it could be if they were together, building a life.

Notes: Title based on 'In another life' by Ashlee Simpson. Special thanks to Elsa (dedication2em), Katie (everythingisbloomable) and Tanya (tanya-posts). To celebrate Olicity Library tumblr hitting +600 followers, I wrote this ficlet about Oliver's state of mind about Felicity pre-2x06.

Reviews would be great :)