I was debating whether to upload this because it's pretty OOC and unrealistic but I wanted to write angsty stuff and this happened.

Warnings- Mentions of self harm, nothing explicit/graphic

"I'm sorry, Nezumi." I whisper before committing my nightly ritual.

I don't know when the idea struck me, not the first night without him. Maybe a week or so after.

It was just so hard. So difficult being without him.

I spent four years of my life longing to see him again. Now he'd been snatched away.

I exhale deeply, trying to control my shaking breath.

I don't remember any details of the first time. Except rain. I remember the rain. Pounding on the glass of my window, pummeling the streets and washing away the scent of him on my clothes. That was the hardest part. A couple of weeks had gone since I'd returned and I had refused to change or wash my clothes. They smelt of him. Of dust and books and damp and watery soup. Of memories. Of a small room underground. Of the mice.

The rain had caught me off guard. I was drenched before I had a chance to find shelter. I ran home and hung my clothes to dry frantically. Praying the scent would remain. Praying I could have a part of him still with me.

But they dried, and the smell faded.

I cried. Bitter salty tears.

The clothes became damp again.

That's when I got the idea.

I just hated everything. I hated him for leaving, I hated myself for hating him.

He said he'd come back. That was my mantra. I sat, curled into a ball on my bed, rocking backwards and forwards slowly. Repeating it. He's coming back. He's coming back. He's coming back.

It didn't help much.

I was scared I'd forget him. Forget how long it had been.

So I did it.

One for each day without him.

Scratched deep into my arm with a piece of shattered mirror.

I'm beginning to run out of room now.

Tomorrow I think I'll have to start on my other arm.

I run my fingers over the damaged skin. Counting.

One cut, one day, two cut, two days.

I count up to forty before I give up, not even halfway down my arm.

I might have to start on my legs once my others arm's full.

Somehow it makes me smile.

I'll remember forever now.

There's no way I can forget.

It's etched deep into my skin.

"Nezumi, I'm sorry."