(November 23 '13, 6:46 pm)

Believe it or not (you probably will, though), I started writing this last year as a sort of celebration for the world not ending. (Suck it, Mayans!) And also because I decided there need to be more Christmas DRRR stories on this site that aren't Shizaya-themed. I mean, yes, this is about Shizuo and Izaya, but not in a romantic way.

So... enjoy! Happy Holidays, everybody!

disclaimer: Durarara is not mine, it is Ryohgo Narita's. Genius that he is.

Shizzy & Izzy Ruin Christmas

Part One:
There Arose Such A Clatter

Christmas was a special time of year in Ikebukuro. There was a kind of magic in the air that lifted everyone's spirits and caused all the anger and violence typical of a sprawling city to disappear.

Well, almost all of it. We are talking about the home of Shizuo Heiwajima, after all. And on the night before this magical holiday in the home of this irritable man, something most peculiar was about to happen.

It all began when he heard a crash.

Shizuo woke with a start to the sound of glass shattering on the kitchen floor. Instantly, he jumped out of bed and ran to the source of the noise. However, when he saw what caused it, he froze, his eyes wide in a state of disbelief.

Standing in Shizuo's kitchen, looking through his fridge, was a figure dressed in a red-and-white coat, red pants, a red cap, and big black boots.

He blinked, muttering to himself, "Can't be..." He had long since given up believing the childish tale of a man who delivered millions of presents in a single night, and yet seeing him here in his own home made him question that doubt... At least, until the figure turned to face him.

"Ho ho ho," smirked the dark-haired man.

For some reason, Shizuo couldn't be mad. Sure, on the inside, he was just as infuriated as always by the mere sight of Izaya Orihara, but that fury just didn't quite make it to the surface right away. Maybe it was the festive season; maybe it was the half-asleep state he was still in; hell, maybe it was the fact that Izaya was dressed like freaking Santa Claus. But whatever it was, it made his brain short out a little. "Wha... what the hell are you doing?" he finally snapped.

Izaya chuckled, closing the refrigerator door. "Now, Shizu-chan, is that any way to greet Father Christmas? I'm here to bring gifts and spread joy and cheer!" He glanced at the floor. "By the way, that glass committed suicide."

Of course, Shizuo knew the glass that woke him didn't just shove itself off the counter, but that couldn't have been farther from the point. "How did you get in here?" he growled, his teeth gritted.

"Why, through the chimney, of course!" laughed Izaya.

Shizuo knew he was only fueling the informant's fire, and yet he replied, "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I live in an apartment."

Izaya looked around, as if this hadn't occurred to him. "Oh, look at that," he mused, then shrugged. "It's a Christmas miracle!"

"Izaya," Shizuo hissed, his anger finally beginning to boil, "you have five seconds to leave before I take that hat and wrap it around your throat." As he spoke, he heard an odd noise behind him, but he was on too much of a roll to stop and inspect it.

However, Izaya took note of what brought about the sound, and it turned his expression from its usual cockiness to complete shock. "Uh..."

This alone should have been enough to stop the blond man, but neither that nor the footstep-like sound coming from behind him could bring his fury to a halt. "You have taken this too damn far, flea. I can handle it when you're just roaming the streets lookin' to wreak havoc, but this is a crime."

"Sh-Shi-" Izaya tried again, pointing past his foe.

"I ain't screwin' around, Izaya," Shizuo growled. "Now GET OUT!" It was at this moment that his fist jutted out and punched the air to his right, pointing in the direction of his front door. Or rather, it would have punched the air, had it not made contact with somebody's face. When he heard the familiar sound of a body hitting the ground, Shizuo finally snapped out of his state of rage and felt the color drain from his face. "...What was that?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

Izaya shook his head, regaining his composure and taking a small amount of joy in seeing Shizuo in such shock. "I tried to warn you."

Slowly, Shizuo turned to look at his unintended target, and when he saw what he'd hit, he froze, his eyes wide in a state of disbelief.

Lying on Shizuo's living room floor, quickly developing a black eye, was a figure dressed in a red-and-white coat, red pants, a red cap, and big black boots.

"Wow, Shizu-chan, you finally did it," Izaya smiled wickedly. "You killed Santa."

It took only a second for the blond to find the words he was looking for. "That ain't Santa, you moron, Santa's not real!"

"Fine," shrugged Izaya, "then you just killed some poor, confused old man."

"First of all, I didn't kill anyone, the guy's still alive. And second, whoever this jackass is, he broke into my home. Sound like anyone you know?"

Izaya took the briefest of pauses to pretend to think before saying, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Shizuo groaned and bent down, hunching himself over the man. "Guy's gotta have some kind of ID on him," he muttered, searching for a pocket somewhere on the intruder's costume.

"You really think Santa would bother to bring his wallet on his Christmas run? Everyone knows who he is."

"It's not Santa!"

"No?" Izaya replied, craning his neck as he watched. "Then what's that?"

Shizuo glanced up to see Izaya pointing to the stranger's hand. He looked back and saw that the man had, indeed, been holding something when he'd gotten knocked out. Shizuo opened his hand and removed what he quickly realized was a rolled-up piece of paper. Written on the outside was a single word: Ikebukuro. "What the...?" he mumbled, unrolling the paper. What he saw then took him by surprise. Inscribed on the paper were the names of every resident of Ikebukuro, accompanied by a wish or an object.

"That's interesting, wouldn't you say?"

Shizuo jumped, startled by Izaya suddenly peering over his shoulder. With a scoff, he crumpled up the paper and threw it to the floor before standing up. "I'm calling the cops," he said, approaching his phone. "This guy's obviously some sort of creep."

"I wouldn't do that," Izaya commented.

Shizuo turned around, his eyes narrow. "Why not?"

His foe bent down. "Take a look at this." He stood, holding the paper Shizuo had made a big deal of ruining just a moment ago, and Shizuo was surprised to see that it now looked brand new. "Still don't believe he's real?" Izaya grinned.

After a brief silence, Shizuo huffed, "If you set this up-"

Izaya raised his hands innocently, still holding the list. "I swear, Shizu-chan, this is not my doing. Scout's honor."

"...You're not a scout."

"It was worth a try."

Regardless of Izaya's seemingly empty promise, Shizuo walked back to his two unwelcome guests. "So now what?" he asked, defeated.

"Well..." Izaya tapped his foot against the unconscious man's head, to no reply. "Santa's down for the count... Whaddya say we get some sushi?"

"We can't just- Gimme that!" Shizuo yanked the paper from his enemy's hand. "We can't just leave him and his crap here! We gotta do something!"

There was a sudden twinkle in Izaya's eyes. "Why, Shizu-chan, do I detect some Christmas spirit in that small heart of yours?" He stuck out an index finger to poke Shizuo in the chest.

"Touch me and I top my tree with you."

He snickered, lowering his hand. "Guess that's a no. Aren't you a little old to believe in Santa, though?"

Shizuo shrugged. "I've seen weirder things."

"I can respect that," Izaya replied with a mischievous nod. "I'm assuming you have some sort of plan?"

The blond was silent, his eyes moving back and forth as he tried to come up with an answer. "…Dammit," was all he said.

"Here's an idea," suggested Izaya, flicking the paper in Shizuo's hand. "Since we have this list… what if we took the Ikebukuro run in the big guy's place?"

Shizuo glared at him, silent for a moment. "This is just another one of your dumbass attempts to get me arrested, isn't it?"

Izaya pulled the pockets of his jacket inside out and extended his arms. "Do you want to search me?" he asked in all sincerity (though it probably didn't come across that way).

Somewhere in the back of Shizuo's mind, he did, just to be sure. But the bigger part of his brain knew it wasn't the wisest idea, so instead, he huffed, "And how exactly are we gonna pull off this master plan of yours?"

Pointing to the list, Izaya replied, "We have this. I already look the part. And you… Well, you can scare off any unwanted attention."

Shizuo surprised himself by actually taking the idea into consideration. Sure, he didn't exactly enjoy having the tendency to turn into the city's biggest rage-monster, but if it would help them get this ridiculous job done and all these people out of his home, it might be worth it.

He groaned. "Let me get my coat."