In the name of the law! Chapter 1: The Program, a les miserables fanfic

Disclaimer: I am not a programmer. I am only a fan of computer jokes. This piece of "code" has been inspired by a joke about Microsoft.

Part I: The Program (coming sequel - Part II: The Execution)

~~~~~=======^**^*~^**^*~^**^*~^**^*=======~~~~~

#include tenacity.h
#include austerity.h
#include melancholy.h
#include investigation.h /* For Prefecture Archives */
#define look(x) glare(x)
#define breadthief MUST_SIT_IN_THE_GALLEYS
#define availableCompassion (0)

void main()

if (VALJEAN_gets_away twice)

if (cannot_confirm_1823_child_abduction)
demand(FUNDS_FROM_PREFECTURE_TO_ORGANIZE_PROPER_INVESTIGATION);
if (no_one_believes_that_Valjean_is_alive)
run(OUT_OF_OFFICE_CRYING);

while (everyone_chats_about_your_certain_insanity)

carry(several_loaded_pistols) ; /* Coup-de-Poing, Lepage dueling pistol, St. Etienne, English pepperbox, in coat_arsenal.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)

set_self(mode,angry);

make(raving accusations); /* "You all hate me!" */

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{

arrest_time=ripe;

set_self(mode,predatory);

pray("Lord, let me find him");
order(agents, follow_me_into_Petit_Picpus);
order(gendarmes, block_all_exits);
order(self, have_a_pinch_of_snuff);
break;

}

if (escape=TRUE)
become(agitated);
run(around);
if (TRACE=0)
become(depressed);
kick(self, repeatedly);
break;

switch (ridicule_at_the_Prefecture)

case WHEN_WILL_YOU_RELENT:
say("I will get him in", a few days," a year or two," I'll arrange to have the wall bulldozed over");
break;
case ARE_YOU_EVEN_SURE_IT_IS_HIM:
say("Yes I'm sure");
ask(self, why_can't_you_do_anything_right);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
sing(la_la_la);
develop(serious_snuff_addiction);
break;

while (moping_about_lifetime_of_failure)

arrest_date+++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_an_arrest)
say("I'll get the bastard in," today+ONE_MONTH);

while (Prefect_is_planning_your_forced_retirement)

distract(self, new_case);

mental_agitation += 2.7enraged_hungry_beasts+;

if (someone_wants_to_see_you)

admit(visitor);
listen(ramble);
examine(visitor); /* GlarePlus version 6.0 */

visitor=DOLTLAWYER
catalog attributesDOLTLAWYER

dumb
callow
pompous
pretty MONTPARNASSE

CONTEMPTUOUS mode ON

if (ramble=BELIEVABLE)

ignore(DOLTLAWYER);
address(self, "Patron-Minette must have had a hand in this");

if (DOLTLAWYER_insists_ramble=TRUE)

ignore(DOLTLAWYER);
kick(stove);
examine(burned_hole_in_coat);
approximate(cost_of_repair);

if (boredomskyhigh && bank_account=empty && promotion=agreeable)

examine(coat_arsenal);

#define least_favorite_gun Coup_de_Poing

if (Coup_de_Poing += 2)

give(Coup_de_Poing, to DOLTLAWYER);
instruct(DOLTLAWYER, "When you think matters have reached a crisis, fire a shot.")

#define desired_gunshot_sound BANG

describe(BANG, to DOLTLAWYER)
kick(DOLTLAWYER_out);
plan(operation);
break;

}

switch (Prefecture)

case DID_YOU_GET_VALJEAN_YET_HA_HA:
growl(mentally)
smile(outwardly)
{

#define Prefect_Gisquet WILL_GET_WHAT'S_COMING_TO_HIM_ONE_OF_THESE_DAYS

}
case YOU_FOUND_PATRON-MINETTE:
nod;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_CAPTURE_REQUIREMENTS:
analyze(requirements)

#include agents+=14
#include handcuffs+=10
#include balls=colossal

list(66.66666667% requirements)
inform(GENDARMERIE ROYALE);
break;

switch (Gorbeau_hovel)

case NO_BANG_YET
wait(BANG);
wait;
wait;

see(TWERPS);
catalog attributesTWERPS
{

young
female
raggedy
smelly
}

{

#define TWERPS related_to_a_criminal
#define related_to_a_criminal CRIMINALS

arrest(CRIMINALS);

wait(BANG);
wait;

wait;
curse(DOLTLAWYER);
bust(door);
examine(situation);
suppress(laughter);
inform(PATRON-MINETTE, "Let's not fight like water-carriers, but behave like gentlemen");

imply("Make my day, punks");

laugh(Thenardiess, i_am_way_prettier);
if (Thenardier_pulls_out_a_gun)
activate(The_Evil_Eye); /* EvilEyePlus version 3.1 */
sabotage(trigger_mechanism);

when (probability_of_successful_fire=0.05%)
await(inevitable_surrender);
cuff(bastards);

scan (PATRON-MINETTE, for MONTPARNASSE)
if (MONTPARNASSE_not_detected)
shed(lonesome_tear);
yell(DOLTLAWYER);
thank(GENDARMERIE ROYALE);
case VICTIM_IS_MISSING:
develop(dreadful_premonition);

break;

switch (Prefecture)

while (everyone_gaping_over_spectacular_arrest)
secure(raise);

secure(promotion);

jeer(colleagues);
break; switch (Home)

{brush(sideburns);

dream(arresting_VALJEAN);

dream(MONTPARNASSE);

dream(VALJEAN+MONTPARNASSE);

wake(screaming);

break;

} switch(Barricades)

{

memorize(faces);

{ ident=10 unident=27 }

search(VALJEAN);

if (VALJEAN_detected)

arrest(VALJEAN);

{

/* printf("This is the last time I'm doing this the hard way. Next time I'll just shoot your ass."); */

}

else

keep_searching_loop();

} return(0);

}