Rec listening to Lilac Wine by Jeff Buckley while reading maybe. Not-edited

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Antonio remembers falling in love with Romano in high school when they were still young and their thoughts in scrambles. He admits at first he wasn't fond of the eruptive Italian boy but it was hard to ignore him when he was his lab partner in their chemistry class. It was frustrating for him to work with the boy when he didn't know what would set Romano off leaving him to finish their project by himself. But he tries and eventually he learns the mechanics behind Romano's personality.

At least he thinks he had figured it out. Through the years they spent together it slowly dawns upon him that what he thought he knew about Romano was merely the surface of who the boy was. Antonio soon realized in their senior year that even though the Italian was an open book, he was a book written in a language that was beyond Antonio's understanding.

He spends 2 more years in college trying to study and decipher that language. He couldn't just scratch the surface. The Spaniard wanted to know more. He spend days, weeks, months—eagerly counting the heartbeats in between the letters and the smile hidden behind the crude words. In their junior year in college Antonio thinks he's finally done it until one night Romano breaks down before him in a jumble of words and tears.

And even with all the studying he did, none of it taught him what to do in that moment. So with what he hope is his understanding of Romano, he hesitantly wraps his arm around the other and softly assures him that everything was going to be okay. Antonio waits until Romano is calmer and listens to what he had to say. As Romano talked Antonio realized that he had been doing things wrong all along.

Romano wasn't something to study and observe, he was someone to listen to and understand. There was no difficult equations or words to find the definition of. It was just Romano, the person, the man that needed someone he could trust in and not be afraid of being judged by. He was the Italian that was too aware of himself—who tries so hard to not be a failure in everyone's eyes. The man of which Antonio had unknowingly gave him heart to.

Antonio remembers the feeling of being in love with Romano and the feeling of ache that came along with it when Romano broke the news to him that he proposed to his girlfriend. The ache that he tries to get rid of on the day of his friend's marriage but only increased as he listens to them say their vows. Their words were like the clang of a of a hammer beating away at metal—loud and clear.

To quiet the sounds of his broken heart he tries to drown himself in his best friend's happiness. But it only works for a few years. The dull ache was still there; echoing in his heart like an old song. It wasn't until he decided drowning himself in alcohol was better that the ache stopped. Every time he drank they disappear. To where, he doesn't know, but he didn't care as long as there were gone. Instead, it fills him with a rage he couldn't let others see. A rage that was directed at himself because he couldn't allow himself to be angry with Romano.

It was his fault. Nobody could convince him much as they try. It was his fault and he regrets being too much a coward to say the three words he had always wanted to tell Romano.

Antonio remembers loving Romano but he tries to forget.

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