AN: Feeling retro. Back to bold ANs! Thank you to Tako Naegi who sent me an incredibly detailed and above all useful review for the last chapter. I haven't yet replied to you, but I will do because wow, like, wow. That's the kind of review that people dream about getting when they do this kind of thing. You have no idea how much people such as yourself are appreciated.

The problems really started when Susan missed her first stunning spell, Harry instinctively casting a reflexive shield as he caught the movement out of the corner of her eye. If she had waited until he was occupied with opening the door from the Apparition Room into the main hallway of the house then, perhaps, she would have managed to avoid the entire situation.

"Turn yourself in Potter!" she scowled at the doorway in front of her now, her wand raised switching between the three doors around the upstairs dining room that she'd managed to fight her way into, "We'll get all of this sorted out and then look into Azkaban."

It was, in hindsight, a terrible idea to start a fight with Harry Potter in what had become Potter Manor. Putting aside the fact that she had already tried to fight him once and failed somewhat miserably, there was the simple fact that this was a battleground which he knew intimately. It was, in hindsight, a mistake to break what had been a somewhat tolerable unspoken agreement between them for an opportunistic attempt to do her job, but, really, it was her job. And he was a Dark Wizard, and one that hadn't even tried to explain himself. It was unforgivable.

His form flickered past the far doorway, spell hitting the table and throwing it towards her, forcing her to blast it back towards the far wall, even as animated chairs swarmed towards her like a pack of dogs fighting over a bone. Blasting a ring of fire out around her, she saw the wallpaper blister as the chairs exploded into ash, the lower half of the flying table scorching itself beautifully as she danced forwards into a half-crouch to dodge the spell he'd tossed from another doorway.

She was almost sure that he was apparating around, which given the location was possible, albeit unlikely. Any form of apparition ward was weakened by a general exclusion and she suspected that outside of the dedicated areas there would be no exclusions. Which meant that he was just fast. Making a decision in an instant she parried another spell, throwing it into a wall before running towards the doorway it had come from and throwing herself through it, into a corridor, and then immediately into another room.

"Miss Bones."

A stunning spell immediately blew it's way towards the desk in the centre of the room, the voice it's target, the red light pin-point accurate. Spinning back towards the door she used it to support a shield, turning a spell into a burst of light before she started scanning the room.

"That really wasn't very nice." The voice was somewhat dry, like parchment in a desert, "Though I'm glad to see that your natural predilection for hard work and enthusiasm gained you some rudimentary skills."

A second stunning spell was blocked by the desk, and it was only as she vaulted over it, casting a third into the ground that she realised that the target was a rather old, rather tatty, familiar-looking hat.

"It would, afterall, put your House to shame otherwise." The Sorting Hat, lacking eyes, didn't quite manage to stare at her disparagingly, but somehow managed to communicate it's disapproval physically nonetheless, "I hope your tendency to violence at least has some excuse."

A second spell bursting into sparks as it hit her shield confirmed both that there was only the one door that her rapid scan of the room had revealed and that she had more important things to be thinking about than a piece of sentient clothing. "Silencio."

There was an awkward pause for a moment before the hat flexed in what could possibly resemble as a sigh, before the voice emerged again from the creases in the artefact, "That, Miss Bones, was positively rude." It flexed again, this time seeming to edge closer to where she was crouched behind a desk. "Imagine if I could be silenced! Hundreds of children who could be denied by a passing prank." A second silencing charm hit it as it edged closer for a second time. "Though I admit that a surprising number of headmasters dedicated a surprising amount of time to trying to work out how to silence me."

A hurried glance at the hat was all she had time for before her nervous eyes swept back up to the golden shield blocking the door, "What do you want?"

"Company would suffice." The Hat finally reached her foot and nudged her knee, "But just in case, is there any chance that you could wear me?"

"You want me to put my head into a magical object of unspecified origins?" Her nose crumpled in a dignified fashion as she snorted, "I'm not eleven any more."

"And I'm not in Kans-" The Sorting Hat froze, "No, no, no. That can't be right. The line wasn't that. It was very different." It spun away from her, the base edging closer to her foot as it did so. "What was the line? I don't suppose you watch Muggle films do you?"

Her eyes flicked down to the hat as she nudged it away with her foot, taking her eyes away from the wall for the barest of seconds. It was all he needed this time. The wall exploded inwards, stone flying across the room, plunging her into darkness.

~TDD~TDD~TDD~TDD~

The problems really started when Susan failed to absorb the first major spell. Dobby froze for a second, glancing at the Auror's he was convincing to back off (with the use of one of the more playful Grim cubs) before jumping back to the Manor. Like all bound Elves, he could feel the wards humming around him and, like all bound Elves, he had a duty. Protect the Manor. That was his command, that was his duty, and that would remain his duty until he was released from him. Dark Lord Harry Potter Sir wished it. There were only two magicals at the manor, and if there was this much magic being thrown around both of them must have escaped.

The Grim looked at the place the House Elf had previously stood in and whined pitifully. Nice thing with bone and food had gone. Nice thing with bone and food and thing had taken bone. It barked at the empty space. If it barked loud enough maybe the nice thing would come back? Maybe it would bring it a plaything?

"I think the crazy elf has gone."

Nice elf had promised to let him play. Maybe this was where plaything was.

"Shall we get the others? First time he hasn't been here to stop us."

The Grim cocked it's head at the two robed men who had been designated today's advance party in the interests of following the letter of the marching orders: attempt to gain access to the Manor. And given just how many of the first group to try really hard hadn't come back from their attempt to follow the spirit of the rules, it had started to be the losing hands of poker that were sent into the field.

"Suppose we'd best. Our lot or their lot?"

It edged closer, wagging it's tail. Was this plaything?

"Our lot. Never liked the others. You want to summon them? Might get a promotion out of it."

The wizard raised his wand.

"Go on then."

STICK!

~TDD~TDD~TDD~TDD~

"When you said to distract the girl if I got a chance, I didn't realise you meant her."

"It's only Susan."

"Do you know what the Gargoyle told me about her?"

"Relax. I'm sure she'll forgive you." A spell washed over her. "She's awake."

She cranked her eyes open, the book-lined walls blearily spinning around her head. She could feel the soft fabric of a hat on her head, and see the weary-eyed wizard sat in front of her behind his ancient oaken desk.

"I hope you will forgive me Madame Bones." He nodded towards the table, "Your second wand was rather difficult to find."

"It's supposed to be." Hands barred, she flexed a little. There was no give in the binds that tied her, but she could at least see the important things, "I see you had the decency to tidy up after yourself."

He blinked for a second, emerald eyes a little startled, "Should I have not used a summoning charm?"

"It was warded against summoning charms." A fierce scowl crossed her face, the shadow of the hat casting her face into deep relief.

He lent forwards, needing no hat to lend his persona a dramatic air, "Wards are my thing."

"And common decency is mine."

He ignored her, reaching for a book, before leaning back in his chair and opening it up to a marked page. "Is it going to take long?"

"Common decency isn't something that req-"

A puzzled look caught her off guard. "I wasn't talking to you." With a sigh, he closed the book and pushed it back to one side. "I was talking to the hat that's reading your mind."

"We could be here for a while then." Her eyebrow arched, her upbringing having introduced her firmly into her aunt's world of noblesse, "I have the best Occlumency barriers in the ministry."

The hat shifted a little on her head, settling down around her ears a little more, "And very interesting they were too, Susan Bones. Positively fascinating how Occlumency has developed since I was last used."

Her red hair highlighted her narrow face as she shook her head slightly, "How long was I out?"

"About thirty seconds." He reached for the book again, opening it at the marked page, "It's a remarkable artefact."

"Thirty seconds." Dryness crept back into her voice, a look of incredulity dancing in her pupils, "You cracked the most comprehensive Occlumency shields in England in thirty seconds. That's impossible."

"Thank you." The Hat had never sounded more smug, "I've always been an overachiever."

"Because it's very difficult to sort children into houses." Harry flicked a page of his book, putting his boots up onto the desk and leaning back, "Shut up and do your job."

~~TDD~TDD~TDD~TDD~

The problems really started when neither of them noticed that Susan had cast her first spell. In their defence, they were prisoners. It was not the duty of prisoners to observe and protect, but rather to fill their time with whatever pursuits they could possibly find, which was also perhaps the reason for the exhaustion that had caused the lack of attention in the first place

"Another round then?" Remus leered at Nymphadora's form for a second before ducking as a lacy bra was thrown at his head.

"You're like an animal." She poked him in the chest firmly, "Insatiable, unstoppable…" she let her voice trail off as she stalked towards him with a sway of her hips.

He raised an eyebrow before snorting, the two of them collapsing together on the bed in a tangle of limbs and laughter. He stared into her eyes for a second, watching as she shifted them between brown and blue and golden, the colours sparking different memories, different occasions, different people.

It had been like a holiday this, for which he was grateful. Remus made a note to surrender to Dark Lord Harry Potter Sir's house elves more often, especially if they were Dobby. He knew that the elf was somewhat peculiar, having met him before. Perhaps he remembered all too well the event after third year when he was politely, but firmly, informed that if he ever threatened Dark Lord Harry Potter Sir whilst he was in his werewolf form again he would be castrated. Perhaps it was the events of the year when Umbridge, that foul women, had been at Hogwarts and a nervous house elf had asked if he could intervene. Not that he'd been able to, of course. Dumbledore had asked him not to get involved beyond providing assistance for Harry's group, in light of the increasingly tight restrictions on werewolves. The fact that one of the off-duty Aurors that had the temerity to approach the Boy-Who-Lived in Hogsmeade had immediately been deported to Azkaban sans trial had only driven the point home: Umbridge was not to be trifled with.

He had understood, and he supposed that had been part of what had driven him to the beautiful young women in front of him. The need to vent, to voice his frustrations. To someone, anyone, to something. Sirius had never quite recovered from Azkaban, and never did, so it fell to the prettiest person he could find. Presuming that she wasn't doing her entire pig nose thing, which simply made her the most intriguing thing to him. Respect for her talents, and a healthy amount of love for bacon, meant that both sides of his nature were pleased on a regular basis.

With a smile on his face that Nymphadora knew all too well, he wrapped his legs around her and rolled over until she was trapped underneath him. Stroking her gently with his fingers, he spr-

"Policewoman and her dog must stop using magic in Dark Lord Harry Potter Sir's Ho- EEK!"

Dobby's mouth dropped open. They were doing it again. When Dark Lord Harry Potter Sir was in danger! Feeling another surge in magic come from the front door downstairs, he chose to open the door and run through it to investigate, leaving behind two somewhat baffled, and generally intrigued, Enforcers.

~TDD~TDD~TDD~TDD~

"She was unaware." the Hat spoke, its parchment-dry voice a little raspy, "She simply sought to fulfil her civic duty by arresting what she perceived as a dark wizard at a time of opportunity."

Harry checked his watch, noting the time, before pulling the Hat off of the redhead and putting it behind him. "You're an idiot Susan."

"Fuck you."

"Why are you so set on my being dark anyway? Was it the killing? Or was it the Horcrux thing?"

"You did make one then!" Her voice was somewhere being justified and outraged, a spark of distant fury surging to the forefront of her eyes, "By the rights installed in me by the Ministry of Mag-"

He held up a hand, stopping her. "I was a Horcrux. That's why I went into the forest in the first place."

"Please. Humans can't be turned into a Horcrux. Living animals would have their personality subsumated and slowly converted, they'd be possessed at comm-" she trailed off, fury subsiding for a second, "Oh. The Ministry Battle I suppose?"

"Quite. Once more after that too, though he struggled and the effort nearly killed him in the process." He eyed her carefully before reaching for the two wands on his desk that weren't his and tapping them against the palm of his hand, causing red sparks to fly into the air briefly, "You can't possess someone diametrically opposed to you, no matter how hard you try. Part of the reason why the war ended as it did."

"And you were? Opposed to him that is." A cheap shot, and she knew it, but he had tied her up. Again.

A slight tense of his shoulders were the only sign that he'd taken offence before he relaxed, "I'll put that down as you currently being in shock."

"I'm afraid to say that she isn't in shock Headm-"

"And that's quite enough from you." Harry glared at the Hat, and, despite it's lack of eyes with which to see, it seemed to shrink away from him as if terrified.

"Headmaster?" Susan's rage was completely gone now, replaced with curiosity, a burning need to know, "Why does it call you Headmaster?"

"Tradition." He left no doubt that the conversation was categorically over. He glanced at the wands in his hand once more before continuing, "I'm going to need an oath from you, you understand."

"Why now?"

"Because things are about to get interesting." He hesitated. "I need to talk to a few people and then finish up some business at the Ministry. Vow to not interfere until after I finish talking to Dolores and I'll let you go free to start working on the paperwork for my arrest, or follow me, or whatever else you want to do. I'll even give you answers to whatever questions you want to ask."

"Including the ones about the Sorting Hat?" She viewed the artefact, now on his desk, with some suspicion, "You know I can't just let that go right?"

"I understand." He hesitated for a moment, "I can't answer everything to do with that, but I can probably answer some of it."

"Done." She didn't even hesitate. For all her doubts on the island, for all their posturing, they both knew that taking down Harry Potter would not be done easily. It would save them time, hassle and manpower if he would just turn himself in. A flick of his wand and the bindings to her chair were undone, three sentences from her later and she was bound. No interference for one week or until he had talked to Dolores Umbridge. "And I'll be sticking with you I think."

"How good are you at handling the Muggle world?" He seized the Hat and began to move towards the door, "We'll be spending time there?"

"I've got the same basic training that all Au-"

"In the name of the Ministry, freeze!"

Harry's wand was out, with a shield surrounding the two of them, faster than Susan could blink and before she'd even started reaching towards either of the wands that she'd just stowed away in their holsters. Glancing around, she could see now that they were at the top of the stairs downwards towards the front door, which was lying on the ground, half a dozen Aurors just inside the door, wands pointed up at them.

"This is awkward." He glanced over at Susan, "Don't suppose you want to tell them to stand down?"

Her mouth opened and the beginnings of a first word began to escape towards the increasingly sheepish Aurors when a house elf stormed out of one of the side passages next to them. Barely glancing at either of them, his eyes focused dramatically on the aurors, who were now not only sheepish but also somewhat pale. Throwing himself dramatically off of the railings and onto one of the auror's heads, Dobby's words easily carried up to them, muffled as he was by the screams of panic from the Auror in question, "You'll not hurt Dark Lord Harry Potter Sir's house! No! Not on my clean tidy floors."

They'd barely begun to turn their wands towards the House Elf, Harry's mouth open in vague surprise, when a nude women clutching a somewhat ripped and torn bedsheet around her, revealing more than she covered, strode out of the same passage and peered down curiously. "Well, that's new." She scratched her head dropping half of the bedsheet and revealing most of her chest. "Remus! Get out here!"

The male aurors, apart from the one now rolling around on the floor trying to escape the surprisingly strong punches of the elf, stared at her, their mouths also dropping open, when the tall lean figure of Remus Lupin appeared, wielding his wand, and exposing both wands. "Aurors! You are encroaching on Enforcer operations! Retreat immediately!"

Susan glanced at Harry, "Why do you have two naked Enforcers?"

Tonks glanced across, "We're prison'rs."

"You have prisoners?" Susan glared, "That wasn't in our agreement!"

"I.. have prisoners?" Harry glanced dubiously at the house elf, who was still protesting the damage done to his nice clean floor via punches to the head, before glancing back at the short redhead, feeling out the uneasy truce that seemed to have been created by the vow and the promise of answers after he'd finished talking to Umbridge. "I didn't know?"

"We'll sort this out after." A frown creased her brow as she saw him raise his wand, intent clear, "They're just doing their jobs as well. You can't stun them."

He shot her another look, expressing his displeasure, before lowering his wand. "It's going to take a while doing it without that though."

She nudged his shoulder, "I appreciate it."

Maybe he could be trained. It bore some merit for consideration. They hadn't had a pet Dark Wizard in the department for some time. As if proving her words right, he conjured a chair for her, flicked a patronus off, which galloped through the upstairs window, and then conjured a second one for him. "I'm fairly sure you aren't going to like my other method of doing this though."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Ten seconds of pregnant silence between them later, there were three knocks on the frame of the front door, and a blonde woman stepped through, daintily avoiding the brawling couple on the floor and reaching inside her robes for a scroll as she tapped the Auror captain's shoulder and waved up at the naked werewolf.

"Could I have a moment of your attention please?"

The Auror Captain froze, and then stared at her suspiciously, "Who the heck are you?"

Susan groaned as the Blonde grinned, obviously enjoying the question far too much. "Does she ever get tired of that?"

"Nope."

"Who the heck is she anyway?"

"If you have to ask…"

The mischievous grin still dancing on her face, she leaned forwards and stage whispered loud enough for everyone to hear in the near-silence that followed, "Classified."

AN: Whilst this chapter may feel like filler, it was needed to pull characters out of the off-screen stasis that they were in. Similarly, you have no idea how satisfying it is to have characters ask who Blondie is. Harry's answer to Susan is, nonetheless, perhaps the best answer to that question.

On another note, I feel like this chapter and the previous one might be pushing the bounds of a T rating a little. Whilst there has been implicit things in the past, the somewhat more explicit nudity in this chapter might present a concern. If you are a teenager who feels as if your innocence has been stolen by my relatively non-sexual references to nudity, I apologise.