NOT DEAD YET

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Entry: 06

"You know what the best part of this is?"

"Wha?"

We were sitting on the forest floor, back-to-back in the dead of night, waiting for sleep to arrive. "There's probably a short supply of men which means that there'll be a surplus of women who want to carry on the species, if you know what I mean."

"Don get id."

"It means I'll be happy."

"Oh-ke."

"You'll be happy too. There'll be plenty of chickens to chase and children to traumatize."

"Want too fahl-ow Lovi."

"Well, things will be different. We'll get married and have families of our own so we won't be seeing each other as much."

"Wha? Why not?"

"We'll be busy with our own lives. You'll find yourself a girl to love and you'll be busy running her chores and brushing her hair. Girls require a lot of work, you know."

"Luff?"

"Love. It means you'll like her a whole hell of a lot."

"Luff Lovi?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no. It doesn't work like that. Boys, like us, love girls."

"Why?"

"I don't know, that's the way it is. I mean, it's only natural. Boy plus girl equals baby."

"Doni cood make bah-bee."

"No, you couldn't. It's a special girl power."

"Doni cood bee gurl."

"You know what? Even if you were, the answer in no."

He let out a long, exasperated groan and plopped over onto his side. At first, I ignored him to see if the temper tantrum would stop. It didn't. The silence bored him so he had to start playing with my jacket like an imbecile.

"Will you quit it?" I growled but he wasn't persuaded. He continued to run his fingers along the outline of the patches.

"Whatz luff?"

"Jesus Christ, TonyBoy, I don't know."

"Ys! Tell meee!"He rolled onto his stomach in a lazy thump.

"I said I don't know! I never had none of it so don't ask."

"Loviiiiiii~"

"No."

Then he started whining "Loviiiiiiiii" again but this time, carrying out the "iiiiii" until there was no more air in his lungs. At that time, he took a deep breath, and continued just where he left off. I thought he'd get bored of it but he just kept going and going until it drove me insane.

"Alright! Shut up already!"

He obeyed, sitting back up and giving his most attentive silence. I don't know how I had become such a push over.

"Now, I don't know very much about it but I remember asking my mother once and she said that the person who loves you is the person who knows just how selfish and mean and terrible you are inside but stays anyways."

"So…"

"Don't say it."

"Doni luff Lovi."

"Dammit, Carriedo, NO. No more of this."

"Wha?"

"I said no. I don't want you to be all like this."

"Like wha?"

"Like…this! Don't say you love me and stop acting all shitty! Just be my dude friend! You're screwing it all up!"

"Yu not want Doni too say id?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Okay. But stihl feel id. Not stop dat."

"Feel what!? You're dead for crissake! Y-"Before I could finish, my hand was yanked from my side and pressed against a warm surface that pulsed from deep within. I could barely see his face but it looked real serious. I tried to reclaim my hand but he was firmly holding it in place.

"If Doni cant say, den Lovi cun feel." The bumping raced under my hand at an impeccable speed. I looked up and became trapped in those captivating, green orbs. He looked right into me, breaking through all my barriers without even trying. Slowly, his lips moved but his serious eyes didn't ever leave me. "Ther are thngs I cant find wurds too say. Da wurds I'm look'n fur might not evan exist but if dey did, they'd jus bee wurds. Da thngs I reely want to tehl yu are thngs I cun onlee show yu. Yu wudn't un-der-sand my mouth if I tried too say dose thngs but may-bee yu cun un-der-sand dis." He pressed my hand against his chest harder, making the pulsing more undeniable.

I tried to make words come out but nothing happened. I tried to pull back my arm but it didn't even twitch. I was frozen there, my eyes trapped in his. I started to think I might never be able to move again. I kept telling myself to fight and swear but nothing happened. It was as if I weren't even Lovino anymore, I was just looking in on him as his mind was blown and he struggled to put back the pieces. He didn't know anymore. He didn't know how to feel, how to act, how to respond. For the first time in his life, he was caught with his defenses down and he didn't have the will power to fight back.

Oh God, things happen so quick. You would be amazed. Suddenly, the conversation turns South then he's look'n at you with those eyes then you're caught. There isn't time to figure out what you're going to say or anything. Hell, I'd have given anything to be able to consult WikiHow right then. I'd have given anything to not be in that situation. I wish he'd have just kept those words in his god damn mouth. I knew he was heart-crazy when he first blushed at me but I wish we could have just ignored it.

I'm sure you want to know how I felt about him. Well, that's a complicated thing and I can't answer you for sure. I cared about his life, I knew that much. I would take measures to ensure that he stayed "alive" and I somewhat cared about his happiness. I felt crappy when I made him sad and I felt happy when I had done something to deserve that big, dopey, smile. Of course, that's not what you really want to know. The question is, did I love him back?

The answer is no. At that time, I felt like all of my dirty secrets had been exposed and I was naked. That's not love, that's fear. I felt helpless and like he had put me on the spot. I was desperately trying to put my pieces back together but I was jammed. I was afraid, not in love.

Here's your follow up question, did you love him before?

Maybe? Yes? No?...I don't know. I felt things I hadn't felt before. I felt comforted when he told me not to worry about Beppe and those bastards who hurt me. I felt safe when he sat at my side, keeping watch. I felt happy and sad and excited and scared all at the same time. The past few days had been ones of peace. We talked about dreams we had once had, our favorite colors, and anything else because we didn't care. When I was with him… I felt like myself.

"Lovi…? Hurt Lovi?" His seriousness has begun to dissolve and his eyes softened.

"I don't understand." I finally answered.

"Wha?"

"All of the things you say, they don't make sense. None of them."

"Doni luff-"

"Yeah, I heard but it's just a bunch of stupid mumbo jumbo. Knock it off, got it?"

"Lovi!" He cried, as if he hadn't expected those words from me.

"Go to sleep. I'm done with this game, I don't want any more of this."

"Doni's hart-!"

"Fuck'n go to sleep!" I spat, cutting him off again. The boy whimpered but eventually submitted. I made a deal with my sanity to ignore all sniffles and hicks from the form beside me. I closed my eyes and sleep came but not fast enough. I was stuck listening to his heart break.

I woke up in the morning on my own, not by the prompting of my immune companion as usual. In fact, there wasn't a warmth against my back as there had been the past few days. That scatter-brained nitwit wasn't anywhere.

Before calling for him, I considered last night. He told me he loved me… then he gave me those eyes and a full-blown confession. I didn't have anything to say, actually, scratch that. I told him to shut up and stop playing jokes. I dismissed his confession as being meaningless mumbo jumbo then I fell asleep. Hell… this apocalypse thing ended up being a whole lot harder than I had anticipated.

"ToniBoy!" I called, cupping my hands around my mouth. There wasn't a response. Damn him. He's so much work.

"ToniBoy! Ya didn't run away now, did ya?" No answer. My chest instantly tightened. He should have answered already. He didn't run away, did he? Why am I so god damn fussy? Maybe he just took a walk. Regardless, I tried again. "Toooooniiiii!" For some reason, the only thought that managed to chant along in my head was He hates me.

I really shouldn't care. Who needs zombies? What's it to me? Why am I worried? I shouldn't be. Whatever, I'm not worried. I stood up and smacked the dirt off my pants. For a while, I just stared at things and pretended as if it were on my to-do list. Finally, that pain in my stomach twisted and grinded, driving me to inasnity.

"ToniBoy! Where the hell are you!?" He didn't respond and my heart took up a rapid beating. "You run away?! Is that it?! COWARD!" At that point, I was screaming as loud as I knew how and it felt great. "COWARD! YOU STUPID BASTARD! COME BACK AND FACE ME! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS! YOU MADE ME THIS WAY SO SHOW YOUR UGLY FACE AND SEE WHAT A MESS YOU MADE! COWARD!" It wasn't even about him anymore, it was about me. I needed to throw my voice as far as it could go and finally let the words loose.

I opened my mouth but was drawn to a halt when a face across the clearing met mine. Be aware that when you create such noise, you will attract zombies (and not the curly headed, light hearted ones either). This son of a bitch had a face that even a mother would disown. It could have been male, it could have been female, now it was only defined by it's lack of life. It's hair was long and matted into one untamable lump. Better yet, it was a noobie, freshly immune which means it hadn't had the chance to kill over from infection yet.

It was missing a jaw, leaving its tongue to spill out like a fat, pink, slug. I guess it had broken an arm, seeing as there was a long, white, bone popped out from the skin that had once confined it and what was left was hanging limp and dead. Damn, what a mess. It was starved and more than willing to accept me as a meal. As first reaction, I threw back onto my heel and got the hell out of there. As soon as I propelled off one foot, the next was ready to catch me. My heart struggled to pump blood fast enough and my lungs did their best to catch up. It chased after; I could hear it clear as day. That bastard was fast as hell.

If I hadn't been sharing my food supply for the past week or so, I might have been able to go like that for longer than five minutes. I ran my hand along my holster but when I checked, I wasn't holding a gun. In fact, I didn't have a gun at all. All I had was a leather strap and a cartridge of bullets, not that there'd be any use now. Dammit! Damn Toni! If I still had my good senses, I'd have never let him keep the gun at night in the first place. In my defense, I didn't know he'd turn out to be such a traitor.

So, it was just me and the souls of my shoes, back to the basics. I knew I couldn't run for much longer so I focused on what I did have. A bobby pin, an old army jacket, a blouse with two missing buttons, a belt, a gun holster (but no gun), a cartridge of bullets (but no gun), a pair of worn out jeans that had been sewn up several times, and a pair of hiking boots that I took off a dead guy. It seemed like all hope was lost.

Maybe, if it got close enough, I could get the bobby pin into its eye but that's really a last resort, seeing as I don't want to be within that close a perimeter. Even the bullets were cushioned by newspaper to enhance silence, so I couldn't have thrown them. I had nothing. Even my air supply was running low and once that was gone, tie would follow. I really hadn't expected to face death like this, I'd always had my gun or at the very least my wits.

God, my chest hurt like a bitch. I should get in shape. Actually, I should do a lot of things. I should cut off my bangs to get them out of my face, I should take up a respectable career, I should grow a beard and adopt a cat. Thing is, I'm not going to do any of that shit because in a minute, I'll be dead. I should stop swearing so much and start reading more. I should take up a cool hobby and start doing sporty things like hiking. Unfortunately, all I had time for was to desperately scream the name of my lost comrade and pant hard out my mouth.

I guess that was it then. We all die someday, I knew that when I got into this whole business. I knew there would eventually be one that I couldn't outrun and that my fate would become knotted together with all the rest. I knew this would happen, I had been predicting my own death for years now. At some point, you'll just have to stop. It wasn't a glorious death, it certainly wasn't a hero's finale or a martyr's tragedy. It was just the story of when Lovino Vargas was finally done. No one would remember it or write it down in a book. It would just be my turn and I would become a part of human history.

I can't say that it ended that way though.

That's not how it went down. I did finally collapse, bracing myself on the smooth trunk of a Quaking Aspen and choking up gritty coughs. I forced air into my lungs as if it were still worth fighting. I looked up at my executioner who was appearing into the brush, hunger violently obvious on his face. I was completely vulnerable now, good for the taking. I let my eyelids fall and my breath subside. Time to die. If that was to be my fate, then let it come.

In one hot second, a panther-like being lunged from the brush behind my head, clearing over me and leaping right into the arms of the corpse. When I opened my eyes again, the two were having an animalistic standoff, circling around each other until one jerked forward and they began mauling on each other's heads. I only really paid attention when I heard one curse. Zombies don't swear… unless they've been exposed to that kind of language for weeks.

On the same note, zombies don't usually carry glittering, silver, pistols or send you green-eyed glances. God damn. I should have known. That bastard never leaves.

"ToniBoy!" I screeched, for fear that he'd end up with gashes in his sides or his head split open. He didn't even flinch at my calls. I watched as he got a hand around the corpse's neck and pushed it against a tree. He pushed the gun against the offender's stomach and gave him two pops in the stomach. It was simple as that and the immune slid down to the ground.

"Lovi." He said in a scolding voice and turned around, revealing the fresh blood splatters over the ones that had just finished drying. I got to my feet and took defense.

"What the hell are you doing here? I thought you ran away." I sneered, my arms crossed.

"Not run awee frum Lovi, not aver."

"Are you sure!? Because you weren't there when I woke up and you didn't respond when I called, so, yeah, you ran away."

He answered by pointing to the pile of twigs and dried leaves that were scattered behind me. "Make feye-er."

Well, I felt stupid. Not that I'd admit that though. "Whatever, I don't care. Just be glad I didn't whoop your ass."

I watched as his irritated face softened into a big smile. He chuckled slightly. "Lovi needs Doni."

"No I don't! I'm fine on my own!"

He looked from the limp form behind him to me, cowering against a tree. "Lovi need mee."

"Toni need a brain. Let's go. I don't want to hear all your shit anymore." He laughed and cocked his head, so damn accepting of everything. It would be hard to break that guy. It wouldn't be impossible, he can get in a crumby mood sometimes but he can also take just about everything I throw at him. He never hates me, even when he should. He never leaves me, even when I want him to. He never even says I'm a selfish, intolerable, bitter, tight-fisted asshole, even though I deserve it. I remember my Ma saying something about people who can accept you like that, people who still think you're fantastic, even though no one else does. Maybe Toni is more than a friend. Then again, maybe not.

One kept his mouth running the whole time we walked, telling me about how he woke up early and about how he found me on his way back to our little campsite. After that, he babbled on about wanting to get running shoes. I listened with what little interest I had. I was replaying the events of the last five minutes and wondering how I survived. Did I really need Toni? No… If I didn't have him and he didn't have my gun, I'd have shot the immune. Then again, I'd have never made it this far. I'd still be sitting in my shitty motor home, eating caterpillars and hating myself. So what is it? Do I need him?

To survive, no. To be happy? Well… I wasn't happy on my own…so yes? No? Yes. I don't once recall laughing when I was living alone but once I met him, I laughed all the time. I never used to get excited about anything. I never had reciprocated conversation. I guess I do need him… but only just a little bit and I'm never going to say that out loud.

We walked for only about two hours, following Toni's unreliable, foggy, directions until we were able to follow the smell of livestock and motor oil. I didn't quite believe it would actually exist but it got harder and harder to deny. It smelled like people, it sounded like people, I could practically feel the greed and blood lust from here. I wasn't sure how to feel. In my heart, I wanted to go back "home" but in my head, I wanted to forget the pain that species had always brought me. Is it worth it? Do I want back what I had before? It was good sometimes but it was bad other times. Do I give it a shot or do I shut it all out?

Well, it didn't matter what I wanted because my zombie friend just kept strolling along eagerly, dragging me with him. We came face to face with a concrete empire. Stationed at what I assume was the only entrance/ exit was a guard, holding a rifle and staring into the forest. Holy shit, that means I actually have to deal with this now. I pulled Carriedo down into behind a bush, out of the view of the human. "Look." I told him. "I want you to keep your mouth shut when I talk to that man up there, got it? I'm going to say some things that you're not going to understand but don't say nothing about that, okay?"

He nodded.

"What are you going to do?" I quizzed.

"Not say noth-"

"Mm!" I zipped over my lips.

"Ohh!" He nodded and repeated the motion.

"Just do that that the whole time. No words."

He nodded, lips smacked together tight. I was sure they'd let us in, even if Toni does look stupid as shit. He's strong, that'll be his redeeming factor. Every town needs a good worker, they'll take him. Then we'll be home free, I'm sure of it.

We got up when I motioned to and made our way over to the guard. When he caught sight of us, the gun was raised and we were ordered to stop and drop any weapons we had. Toni gave me a nervous look but I eased him, repeating the instructions. He set down the revolver then we were give permission to advance. "Human?" He asked, checking our eyes over and over.

"Yeah, human." I answered but the gun didn't lower. The guard demanded to know where we came from. "We're travelers, we came from up North looking for other humans. I'm Lovino and this is my brother, Toni."

He looked from me to One again and again, making One nervous as hell. "He mute?" The guard asked, gesturing to Toni.

"No sir. He's rotten in the brain, if ya know what I mean. He had his umbilical chord 'round his head when he was born." I explained. The guard checked him out extensively.

"He doesn't look quite right."

"Piss off, He's just a little quirky that's all."

"You sure? He's not sick, is he? He sure looks it."

"He ain't sick and he doesn't need you judge'n him, okay? What's it to ya anyways?"

"We just had a villager get sick earlier in the week, we're on high alert." His attention was redirected to me. His eyebrows raised. "Hey, you're Sunny's boy, aren't you?"

"What? No, I don't know a Sunny." Dammit… there's something I forgot to mention…

He looked me over closer. "Jesus Christ! You look just like the pictures, I swear it! Yo Danny!" He called, looking back over at a guard on the other side of the gate. "Where's Broozer?"

"Seen him go off in his car just earlier, why?" The man answered.

"Who's this look like to you?"

The second guard leaned forward, examining me. "Hey!" He exclaimed after snapping his fingers for a little while. "Sunny's kid, right?"

Okay, confession time. That one guy, Domenico, the one me and my brother looked like… he had secrets. I never really saw the guy more than once a year but I always suspected something. We had this tradition where he would have me and Feli shopping every year around Christmas time. He'd take us out to dinner, let us pick out a present, and sing Domenic the Italian Christmas Donkey as many times as we asked. He wasn't so good at the whole "parenting" thing but he tried. He asked us how we were doing in school, if we had been good all year, all that sappy shit.

While we were out, he'd often have to step outside to take a call. Sometimes he'd ruffle our hair and say, "You kids got it easy. Enjoy your innocence, kay Sport?" I'd say "whatever" and he would laugh. He really like to ask about our Ma, he said they were good friends. He wanted to know things like Does she talk about me? How's your old man? He still around? Do your ma and him fight sometimes? Did she ever mention wanting to move with you guys? Does she talk about me?

That's pretty much how I figured out the whole situation. He fell for Ma, I don't blame him. Even a big tough guy like him can't resist her, she's beautiful. She had such subtle, delicate features, it was truly spell-binding. Our mother had to leave town for a while and we stayed with Domenico. He showed us his studio and even gave us a sneak peak of his current work entitled Santa Lucia da Syracuse, Saint Lucy of Syracuse. Me and my brother exchanged looks, asking each other the same question in mutual silence. Is that…Ma?

Indeed, the resemblance was undeniable. It was our mother…in the nude. I was the first to speak, asking why she was naked. He didn't have an answer at first but finally came up with, "Because all angels are naked. In heaven, nobody is ashamed of god's creation."

Feliciano posed the next question: Why does she have eyes? We all knew the story. Saint Lucy had her eyes gouged when she was being tortured for her beliefs. Domenico told us that was because God healed her. Finally, I asked what we really wanted to know: "Is that Ma?"

He continued to smile down at me, the pudgy little five year old with shaggy hair and lots of questions. "Well, Lovi,"

"Lovino!"

"Right, Little Lovino, It looks like your Ma because… because she's so beautiful that I had to borrow some of that beauty, y'know? So that I could do justice to such a remarkable woman like Lucia. You can understand that, can't you?"

"Yeah, sure I can." I dismissed then continued to give him some empty compliments. He always went on business trips but he never failed to come back and visit Ma. Sometimes he'd run into Beppe, they'd awkwardly shake hands and talk some business talk out on the porch. We weren't allowed to ask about their business talk and it wasn't until years later that I learned what their business was. I read an article in the newspaper about Broozer and his purge of the immune race. I guess Ma had finally told him to stop coming around. I wasn't surprised to hear that his gun was named Lucy-Baby. He missed her and his bitterness had to escape somehow.

In short, Sunny Broozer is kind of my dad.

"Is he here?" I asked Danny, the second guard.

"Boss of the whole place." The first guard chirped then started searching around inside the gate. "Dan, go see if you can find him, won't you?"

"Hey! No, no way. Just forget it." I interrupted. Look, you can't deny that Toni's a little bit dead and Ol' Pop will catch onto that the moment he lays eyes on him. Danny went off, regardless of my protests. "God dammit." I growled under my breath.

I had a decision to make. I promise, you'll be just as confused as I was. If you were as screwed up as me, you'd have done the same thing.

"Common Toni, let's go." I ordered, clutching his hand in mine and turning around. He didn't budge. He just looked at me with his eyes wide and his brows quirked.

"Not steey?"

"No, come on." I gave his hand a stern jerk forward yet he resisted movement.

"Lovi not want humns?"

"Shut up!" I spat and finally managed to drag him along, retrieving my silver revolver on our way out. Just like that, we walked away from the last humans I ever knew. I just up and left what I wanted more than anything. Actually, that's not true. What I wanted most was to go back home with Toni.

I can't believe that thought just crossed my mind. Man, I really am screwed up.

If you want to know the truth of it, I'm kind of glad I walked away. Who needs people? They're all assholes. I'm doing myself a favor, I really am. I'm happier without them.

"Lovino!" A gruff voice rang from behind us. I didn't even need to turn around, I knew who it was. I didn't answer and instead just pulled Carriedo faster. "Lovino! Stop! Please!" He called again. I didn't turn around but the corpse at my side did, forcing me to follow.

"What do you want?" I demanded.

"It's you…" He sighed, a smile pulling up across his face. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to, you my biological father, Domenico Broozer.

Without emotion, I lifted my firearm, pointing it directly at his face. "Just go. I don't want to waste bullets."

He lifted his arms in submission then looked back and forth from me to my taller counterpart. "Where' your brother?" He asked.

"Gone." Toni answered simply. I dug my nails into his hand just enough for him to get the sense that his input isn't needed.

"He's dead."

"Feliciano?"

"Do I have another brother?"

"How did that happen?"

"None of your business. Just piss off, okay?"

"Are you okay? How did you get here?"

"I flew. Any more questions?"

"Who's this?" He nudged toward the tall, curly-headed man.

"George Washington. Alright, we're done now. I'm going this way and you're going the other. End of story."

"Wait! Come with me! There's a whole town down there. You can stay there with me. I've got a big house for you to live in and-"

"And nothing. I've got a house of my own, I don't need your crumby shack."

There was a moment of silence as his eyes trailed down to our inter-twined hands. I noticed and instantly ripped my hand out of Toni's. "You going there with him?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Lovi… he's immune." One of his hands slipped down to his belt were a hand gun was hanging.

"Don't move!" I spat, taking a step forward and straightening my aim. "Don't move!"

He sent me a look of confusion but obeyed regardless, raising his hands again. "Lovi?"

"Go back to your town. NOW!"

"You can come too. Come on, I know you're not stupid enough to pass that up."

"Both of us?"

"Yes. You and me."

"NO. I mean, both of us." I nodded my head towards Toni.

His confusion only grew stronger. "What? No, Lovi he's a corpse…he's immune-"

"All or nothing. Both or none."

"Lovi, don't be an idiot."

"Both or none!" I demanded, cocking my gun.

"Lovino! What the hell is wrong with you!? You don't… have feelings for it, do you?"

"None." I decided. "Give me your gun."

"What?"

"Give. Me. Your god damn gun."

He tossed it over to me and I hooked it into my holster right beside mine. "It doesn't have to be this way!" He called as we walked away. "Think about what you're doing! Lovino! He's dead! Lovino! Lovino!" And that was about all we heard from him.

"Here, now you have your own gun, congratulations." I handed him the jet black shotgun that I had confiscated from my father.

"Lovi, why not steey?"

"I didn't want to."

"Whoo waz dat man?"

"Some guy I used to know."

"Beppe?"

"No."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Wher we goin?"

"Home."

"Yur hom?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

"Cause I think… I like hanging out with you more than all those other bastards."

"Luff Doni!?"

"Hey, hey. I wouldn't go that far."

"Then wha?"

"How about…like. Just like for now."

"Oh-ke. Leek."

"That's right."

"Hey!"

"What?"

"Id bee cool if dis wer akshully a storee. We wer jus peeple in a storee."

"Sure, I guess."

"A luff storee."

"A like story."

"Oh-ke."

"Okay."

Then we went home.

THE END.