Warning: Angst, and character death.

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What You Don't Surrender

"All this time I've hated myself for it. I thought I'd given it up for nothing. But if I hadn't fallen, I wouldn't have met you."―Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

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"I like you."

The faint sunlight shone at his shoulders as he looked at the surroundings of the shopping district, finding everything strangely familiar and nostalgic. Kanda shifted slightly, tucking his hands into his coat as he stared at the parade square which he was now standing.

It had been two years. The memories of this town were already fading, yet for some reason, this particular place still stayed vividly in his mind. Although most of it had been changed, the feeling that he experienced remained the same.

"I like you, Kanda."

That particular voice echoed at his ears, as though he just heard it yesterday. It took place exactly on this day two years ago, at the same position that he was currently standing while he was facing him. He had always thought that it was a moment of impulse, and such feelings definitely would not last. They weren't even friends, so it was impossible that this even happened. It was simply ridiculous.

His long strands of raven hair fluttered lightly as street lamps started lighting up. The feeling at his legs were slowly numbing away. His lips parted as he inhaled, and as he was about to leave, he stopped. Kanda stared at the ground for a long moment, before he finally looked up, seeing a familiar white-haired man standing a few metres across him.

"It sounds really ridiculous right? But yeah, I like you."

His breath was stuck at his throat. The crowds were getting thicker, yet he could not look away. Another figure soon appeared beside him, entwining her hand with his. He smiled, and the expressions which he would always make had never been peaceful as what he was seeing right now.

He remained silent. It seemed ironic to watch this at the place where he rejected him, yet there was no reason for him to reach out to him at this moment either. Kanda looked down, twitching his fingers which were turning stiff from the cold. His legs were losing the strength to support his body, and he turned himself around, forcing himself to leave. And even if his heart was feeling strange right now, he walked out without a word, throwing all the emotions away.

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"I like you, Kanda."

It wasn't like he cared. He hated him, and he did not want to be related in anything to him. He was annoying, always saying that they should spend more time together, and he was the one who forced him out most of the time. He would always be the one inviting him to outings. He would just ignore him as always, treating him like an invisible wall as he talked to the others. There were no feelings considered.

Then, their bickers and fights reduced all of a sudden. It somehow stopped, though he had no idea why. The both of them still met, but Allen seemed to avoid having a conversation with him, choosing to chat with the other friends whenever possible. Well, it wasn't that he was bothered by it. It was even better this way. He could have the silence that he wanted, and he was somehow grateful towards him for doing the right thing.

They stood in front of a Christmas tree, at the middle of the parade square. Allen was shifting nervously against the ground, that pair of silver eyes wandering elsewhere as he waited for his answer. Seeing this peculiar expression from him was completely new, and it almost made him laugh out loud. It was simply hilarious and plainly weird, for him to have such feelings towards him. Kanda smirked lightly under his lips as he leaned a little closer to him.

"Are you serious?"

The white-haired teen looked down at the ground for a few minutes, before he looked up at him with a smile on his face.

"It sounds really ridiculous right? But yeah, I like you."

He was supposed to yell at him for being a bastard for not treating this seriously. He was supposed to scold him right at his face, yet he didn't. Allen just admitted it with a smile and repeated what he had said just now. Those words echoed in his mind, and for that second, he couldn't say anything.

It wasn't right. It wasn't right between them.

"You got to be kidding me."

It shouldn't be this way.

"I hate you."

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After delivering the parcels to the assistant at the Chemistry laboratory, Kanda signed himself out at the main counter and stepped out of the building. As he walked, his feet stumbled halfway, causing him to fall onto the pile of snow which was in his way. He hissed in irritation, touching the side of the vehicle as he opened the door and entered the truck. While waiting for his colleague to return, he rubbed his hands repeatedly and began massaging his legs which were getting numb.

"Does it happen again?"

He turned, seeing his colleague and close friend, Alma, who was staring at him worriedly.

"I'm fine," Kanda snapped in irritation, buckling his seat belt as Alma just shrugged in response and started the engines.

"You shouldn't overwork yourself."

"Do not act like that old man," he warned in a low tone, his eyes still closed.

"It has been two years, Kanda, and you know that."

He opened his eyes, staring at the traffic ahead. It was getting warmer, the soothing sensation gradually seeping into his body as he felt better than before. Kanda let out a soft sigh, his eyes wandering outside as he gazed at the scenery listlessly.

"Are you going back after this?" Alma asked, turning the vehicle to a narrower road.

"Yeah. That old man never stops in his nagging."

"You know that he is concerned about your well being."

He did not say anything, his gaze following the trail of decorating light bulbs hanging on the trees. They returned to the main factory in silence, and as he got down, he spotted a familiar car and a person standing outside the gates, waiting for him.

"Hi, Yuu-kun."

He stared at the same unwavering smile which was plastered on his face whenever they saw each other. Kanda ignored him, opening the door as he entered the car without a word. None of them said anything during the journey, and he chose to stare outside once again, enjoying the cold breeze blowing at his face. The car passed by a long stretch of white of an abandoned land, and he stared at the remaining snow, wondering how long it was since winter began. His breathing quickened slightly at a sudden stab of numbness attacking his right leg, yet he ignored it as he continued to peer at the scenery in front of him.

"We have reached."

His vision blurred, and before he realised it, the car stopped in front of a white building. The old man got out of the vehicle, and Kanda opened the door which creaked along the way, stepping out. He then faced the entrance, staring at the nurses and doctors who were moving around.

"Let's go."

He walked up the stairs and entered the hospital, staring at the surroundings which looked too familiar that he could memorise everything that he saw. They turned to the corridor, stopping at a particular pink room where he frequently came in and out. The old man knocked on it, before he opened, revealing a doctor sitting at his desk.

"Hello, Kanda."

The doctor looked up with a gentle smile as usual, greeting him in his usual friendly way. Kanda ignored him, sitting down as he stared at the same brown file he was holding on with his particulars inside. His hand was busily scribbling something on the paper. The stench of the disinfectant was getting thicker, and he wished that he could hurry up and get this over and done with.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine," he merely answered. The doctor smiled again as he stood up, telling him to lie down on the side bed behind them. Kanda stood up and turned to walk to the bed. The doctor slowly approached him, and he laid down, feeling the light touch of his gloved hands on his calves as he started pressing them down lightly.

"Do you feel anything?"

Kanda shook his head. They were the same questions came out of his lips during each examination, and he responded with the same answers. He stared at the blinding fluorescent light at the ceiling which made the surroundings a little brighter than before. His vision went white for a second, and the image of that particular person he did not want to remember flashed in his mind once again.

He wondered why he was still thinking of that person, even now.

"There isn't any serious problems for now, but you have to be careful. Two years have passed, so the symptoms will be showing up very soon."

They got out of the room, sitting at the front of the pharmacy to collect his medicine. He could recognise the old lady who would always be sitting at a corner alone, staring into space. The annoying child would start bawling as his mother was comforting him. Everything that he was experiencing was exactly the same, and he was getting sick and tired of it.

"Kanda Yuu."

Kanda stood up, walking to the counter as he saw the same nurse who gave him the medicine ever since he came here for treatment. A smile lit on her face as she handed him the medicine, and she would always use a tender voice as she told him to take care of himself, which he found it extremely irritating. He took it with an expressionless face, going back to the old man as they went back to the car. The revolting disinfectant stench slowly dissipated as they went out, and he took a deep breath of fresh air, his mind clearing up slightly.

"I need to stop by our old house to collect something. You wouldn't mind right, Yuu-kun?"

He shrugged, saying nothing. It was only thirty minutes of journey, and he could see the faint figure of the white house where they previously lived. The car gradually came to a halt, and Tiedoll came out first, pressing the pass code at the side of the wall before he entered.

Kanda came out of the vehicle, walking to the red letterbox as he opened it. Numerous letters started flooding out, some of them falling onto the ground. He took one randomly, tearing the slight yellowish envelope and unfolding the paper as he began to read the same words and phrases which were all too familiar. He sighed, putting it aside as he opened the next one which were surprisingly filled with little words.

Kanda,

It has been a long time since I met you, and I feel that this has to stop.

I have already forgiven you, and one of us has to make the first move. Thus, I decide to move on.

Whatever you do, I believe that there is a reason behind it.

Goodbye, Kanda. Hope we will see each other again.

Allen.

It was dated last Christmas. It was a simple farewell, with no lingering emotions behind it. He gripped on the paper tighter than usual, his heart clenching in slight ache. It ended just like that, and it was obviously clear that it was over between them. He could not even remember when it was that they had exactly started. He then remembered the girl who was with him at that time. His heart felt surprisingly calm, and he wondered if this was meant to be glad―that he had stepped out of his life completely.

"Is there a reason why you did not tell them?"

Kanda turned, staring at Tiedoll who just walked out of the house. His gaze slowly drifted to the blank sky, staring at it for a long moment. He just wanted to leave, and he did not want unnecessary confrontations and tear-jerking moments before he departed. They only met one another at that moment, and when it was time to go, he would leave without hesitation, because he was not someone who would turn back.

There wasn't any reason behind it.

No reason was ever needed.

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"Anyway, I can see that Lou Fa likes you, Allen! When are you going to accept her feelings?"

"Wow, are you serious? She's a nice girl, Allen! I support the both of you!"

Lavi exclaimed in excitement, before he turned to him.

"Isn't it right, Yuu?"

He already stood up, slipping his hands into the pockets of his school pants as he started walking away. Ignoring the irritating cries of a certain redhead idiot, Kanda returned to the school, deciding to get his belongings and leave for the day. He was walking along the corridor at the first floor, and he slowly stopped at the front of a classroom where Allen would be at. He would pass by this corridor whenever he was going home, and Allen would always be sitting at his desk by the window alone, sleeping under a heap of opened books and notes.

After the day he confessed, and after he clearly rejected him, he was not there anymore.

Kanda shook his head, walking up the stairs as he went to his classroom at the third floor. He took his sling bag and carried it by his shoulders, making his way out. He stepped out of the school building, and he almost stopped as he saw Allen with someone else standing at the school gates. She was talking to him rather shyly, and he presumed that she was the girl who had a crush on the bean sprout.

He slowly increased his pace. They stopped talking after noticing his presence, and he did not look up as he walked out of the gates, heading to the bus stop which was just a few metres away and boarding the bus which arrived.

It was just a confession. It meant nothing to him.

Kanda alighted at the next neighbourhood, walking to his house. He stopped by the gates, pressing the pass code at the side. Just as he was about to enter, his legs suddenly gave way and he fell to the ground.

"Yuu-kun! Why are you sitting on the ground?"

The main door opened and a man in his late forties called Tiedoll walked towards him hurriedly. Kanda grunted in irritation, taking his hands as he slowly stood on his feet. He had probably tripped from a rock and fell. Ignoring the old man who was asking whether he was alright, he took his shoes off and entered the house.

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He grimaced as he collapsed to the floor, his hands grasping on the wooden leg of the table as he struggled to stand up, but his weak legs just wouldn't budge. His muscles were contracting strongly, and the pain was swiftly spreading up to his thighs and upper hip.

Kanda hissed, forcing himself to move a step forward as he reached the couch, before he released himself as his body sank on it helplessly. He was already too exhausted to do anything and just stared at the reflection of himself from the television screen with a blank expression.

He could no longer feel the coldness on the chilly floor. He would sometimes drop things that he was holding. He would slip without himself knowing. Even till now, he still couldn't bring himself to believe that he was reduced to this pathetic state whereby he couldn't even help himself.

Kanda stared at the medicine in front of him, wondering why he was still doing this.

Either ways, he was going to die.

His hand twitched, and he grunted in frustration as he reached out and took the glass of water and pills, swallowing them down his throat. The bitterness from the medicine, and an unknown feeling mixed with disgust and disdain remained. Despite how he hated himself, he still relented to the responsibility he was forced to take―that promise he made to his family: to continue living despite all cost.

He slowly stood up, making his way to the door. He touched the doorknob, opening it as he stepped out into the open, stepping on the soft snow on the ground. The tips of his fingers were slowly numbed by the coldness, yet he had never felt this peaceful before. Kanda gradually closed his eyes, feeling the brittleness of the wind as he wished that it would bring him away.

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Kanda groaned at the limited space he could move in the storage room, staring at Allen who was staring elsewhere, shifting uncomfortably in his position. He glared at the acting props and other old stuffs which had not been used for a long while, before he let out a hiss, turning to the locked door and tried opening it again. They knew that the door of this room was faulty, but he hadn't expected them to be locked inside, and with this bean sprout to add!

"Oi, Moyashi."

"My name is Allen," Allen replied coldly. Kanda ignored his statement and continued what he wanted to say.

"Did you have your phone with you? I left mine in the classroom."

Allen took out his mobile phone, dialing someone's number as he held it at his ear, waiting for someone to answer, but he doubted that anyone would answer at this point of time when everyone was at the hall, actively promoting each of their activity clubs to the freshmen for this year's Open House. The white-haired teen listened for a few more minutes, before he gave up and put his phone down in frustration.

The two of them stood in the darkness, not saying anything. The lights weren't working, and they couldn't risk moving around and bump into the props that the drama club members needed for their performances. He could only see part of his shadow with the help of the faint light from the small window just right above. The place was so silent that he could hear his shallow breaths, vibrating at his ears very clearly.

"Hey, Kanda."

He folded his arms and listened. It wasn't surprising for the bean sprout to break the silence first, since he wouldn't be the first one to talk.

"You are graduating four months later right?"

Kanda snorted in response. Was he stupid to ask something like that?

"Yes."

"I see."

His shadow shifted slightly, and he could see his hand which was lifted up, as though it was reaching out to the faint evening light shining upon him.

"Why did you ask? I thought you knew."

Allen laughed softly, and his laughter gradually became louder, as though he was facing him at this moment.

"It feels so fast, that I haven't taken notice of it till now."

His voice quivered slightly as he finished his sentence, and he could somehow figure out the face expression that he was currently making. And even though he knew the reason behind this, he did not intend to say anything.

"Are you going to a university?"

"Yeah, I guess," he answered half-heartedly, wondering when exactly someone would come and open this damn door already. Allen somehow caught his hinted irritation and stopped talking, and they just remained silent like this, waiting. He considered everything which was present in this room, and after a few minutes of contemplating, he had no choice but to return to the last person whom he tried to ignore. And no matter how he thought of it, he wondered why Allen had feelings for him.

"Why do you like me?"

There was no response from the other. Or rather, the bean sprout should be staring at him in complete shock at this question. He tried reasoning this out himself, but no matter how many different possible scenarios he had thought of, he was unable to come out with an answer. It was simply irrational. They were supposed to hate each other.

"I just do."

Why was he feeling guilty towards him? Why was he trying to find excuses to get himself out of this, such that he could feel the reassurance that he needed when he faced him―that what he was feeling right now was nothing but his own imagination?

"But it's okay now. I will slowly forget about it, so let's treat it as nothing happens."

He couldn't help but widened his eyes at this statement. The door opened before he could answer, and he just stared at the disappearing figure of Allen who walked out. It was certainly relieved that he was willing to let it pass, yet why wasn't he feeling good about it?

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He was in a conference room of a marketing company. The department was literally filled with people running about, and they could only come here to settle it. Kanda sighed, placing the parcel down as he handed the receipt to the manager for him to sign. As he was signing halfway, the door suddenly opened with a hard slam.

"Manager! Allen is finding you!"

He couldn't help but widened his eyes slightly at the familiarity of the name, almost dropping the receipt he was holding. The manager thanked him for coming, before he exited the room hurriedly. Kanda slipped the piece of paper into his pocket, taking his phone out as he checked his schedule for the day. He could not figure out why he had thought of the bean sprout all of a sudden, but that name was common. It could be just another person with the same name.

He stepped out of the office, heading to the lift lobby. He heard a faint voice at the corridor, his whispers getting louder by each step that vibrated on the floor. He frowned in slight annoyance, deciding to just ignore it, but there was something which made him slow down his pace, the distance between them diminishing.

"But are you alright with it?"

He could not comprehend why he was trying to hear their conversation. Or rather, seeking out the voice which sounded so familiar. The lift lobby was just metres away, and he heard laughter behind. It sounded irritating and extremely unpleasant, triggering memories which he did not want to remember.

"Of course! After all, you are the most important person to me, Allen!"

He froze. Kanda stopped at the side of the corridor, feeling the wind scraping his face sharply as their shoulders brushed past. As he looked up, he could only see strands of white hair before his eyes. He did not see his face, yet he instantly knew who he was. A sudden chillness entered him, sending shivers across his immobile body which was unable to respond when he saw this scene.

Goodbye, Kanda.

The corridor became quiet once again as the lift doors closed. He almost chuckled out loud, mocking at his own reaction in this situation. It was definitely a coincidence that he had the same name and voice as that bean sprout. There was simply no way...no way that he would see him again at this time.

After signing at the main counter, he stepped outside, returning to the truck where Alma was waiting. As his hand touched the handle of the door, Kanda stopped again, turning back as he peered at the group which was now standing at the traffic junction.

"What are you waiting for, Kanda?" Alma shouted from the window, but he took no notice, his gaze continuing to focus on him.

"Sorry. Can you go ahead first?"

His hand left the door, ignoring his friend's cries as he started walking. They went across streets, and he followed them behind, staring at his white hair which would always stand out among everyone else. The group went to a restaurant, and his feet slowed down, standing behind a withered tree as he saw them sitting at the back, chatting happily among themselves. He stared at the reflection of his silhouette by the glass pane, and he simply watched in silence.

He could not comprehend why he was doing this. There was nothing between the two of them. He was perhaps a friend whom he knew two years ago, but there was nothing more. Allen Walker was someone from the past, yet he somehow could not erase him away completely from his memory.

Kanda closed his eyes, feeling the cold breaths of the wind blowing at his pale, frozen lips.

Did he regret reading his letter?

Was he regretting for what he could have actually done two years ago when he was still here, with him?

It was not possible.

There was no way that would happen. He did not love him.

That was not love.

His legs gave way, and he crumbled to the ground weakly. His hair was slightly wet from the melted snow which fell, and his hands were too stiff to move. He just stayed this way, hearing the faint ringing sounds of his phone in his coat pocket. Sapphire eyes slowly peered down in exhaustion as he tried moving his hand to reach it, but it wouldn't even budge.

After a few minutes, he let out a sigh, looking up as he stared at the blue sky, mesmerised by how plainly beautiful it was. It was getting colder, and he was trying so hard to keep his eyes open. His senses were gradually numbed, and all he could feel and hear right now, was the solid beats of his heart which was barely keeping him alive. And as his vision slowly darkened, he wondered why his chest still felt warm despite the surrounding coldness which was gradually freezing him up.

"Kanda!"

He felt hands wrapping around his shoulders and his legs as he was lifted up. Kanda let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes as he felt his consciousness drifting away.

And even if everything was slowly disappearing, why was the shadow of white-haired teen from two years ago still inside his mind?

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It was the last day of the year, and he was standing in the middle, surrounded by people and the piercing noises echoing in the long night. Many road carts with colourful lights hanging on them were situated at the side of the road, and the aroma of the food was just hard to resist. Just as he was about to take a step, a hand grabbed his arm all of a sudden.

"Let's go, Kanda!"

He frowned as he was pulled away by that bean sprout once again. Kanda followed Allen behind, not bothering to make a fuss this time as he allowed the other to bring him to wherever he wanted to take him to. At first, the four of them were together, but the crowds of people in the shrine were numerous, and he had to end up together with Allen while Lavi and Lenalee were out of sight.

Their footsteps quickened, and he just watched his fluttering white hair strands which stood out among the people here. Before he knew it, the surroundings was quieter, and they were now in an empty field with no one around. They finally stopped as Allen released his hand and bent down slightly, panting heavily.

"We are here."

"I know that, but why are we here?"

Allen turned to him, and he noticed a faint glint in his silver eyes as his lips curved into a small smirk.

"You will see."

Kanda raised his eyebrow in response. Allen turned around and went to the tree at the back, sitting down. He did the same, leaning against the solid bark as he let out a content sigh, staring at the night sky. Although he did not understand the reason for this, he somehow liked it, and was slightly glad that he brought him here.

They sat there in silence, and he closed his eyes for a moment. As he opened them again, sapphire eyes widened slightly at a bright golden orb shining in front of him.

"Can you see it?"

Allen's voice echoed faintly beside him. He continued to stare as the golden orb split into two, and then three, and then before he realised it, he was surrounded by them, brightening up the area of the field. The white-haired teen stood up and stepped forward, stretching his hand out as one slowly descended onto his finger. A breeze blew past, brushing his white hair strands aside as he saw the faint yet real smile on his face for a second while he was staring at the firefly.

Kanda slowly stood up, making his way to him. Allen looked up as the firefly flew away. As though he sensed someone coming, he turned around, his gaze meeting his. He continued to shorten the distance between them, until he was just right in front of him. His feet finally stopped, their shoulders briefly touching. Their hair strands were entangled together slightly, their warm breaths lingering at their lips as they continued to stare at each other.

And as though something within Allen attracted him strongly, Kanda leaned down and kissed him.

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Kanda opened the window, the lively chirps and the scent of greenery greeting him early in the morning. He stared at the buds of the flowers which had grown over the last three months.

Before he realised it, it was already spring.

He greeted Tiedoll and the rest in the house as he settled in for his breakfast. As he took his mug of coffee and was about to drink it, his fingers somehow lost the strength to hold it. It slipped from his grip swiftly, landing on the table with a hard slam as some of the beverage spilled out.

"Are you alright?" Tiedoll exclaimed, throwing the newspaper aside as he rushed to his side. Marie and Daisya stopped their current tasks as well, staring at him in concern. Kanda snorted, clenching and unclenching his hand repeatedly as he just shrugged in nonchalance.

"I'm fine."

Kanda took the mug, deciding to pour it away and get another refill. But as soon as he stood up on his two feet, his body started swaying to the side, and it was only a few seconds later before he realised that he was falling.

"Kanda!" He felt hands holding his waist, and he knew it was Marie who caught him this time. His eyes narrowed in irritation as he stared at himself who was in this pathetic position. He pushed the other away immediately, getting up and going into the kitchen to put the mug into the basin. He then came out, meeting their shocked gazes which were still frozen on their faces for the past minutes.

"Why are all of you still here?"

"Is it better if I bring you to see the doctor, Yuu-kun? To see whether―"

"There isn't a need to! I already told you that I am alright!" Kanda finally snapped, cutting his words off with a dark glare, warning him not to say anymore. He then left, not intending to stay and wait for their answers. He forced his weak legs to move forward, and it was until when he shut the door behind him did he finally release himself. He let himself fall, onto the cold hard floor which numbed his senses further.

Even if it was supposed to be painful, his legs could not feel it anymore. It was just a dull ache, pulsing lightly against his skin before it slowly faded away. Words of comfort began ringing at his ears. He did not know when this started, and he couldn't even believe that it would resort this low. Yet he could no longer care.

No.

He had not lost yet.

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"ALS?"

"Yes. Also known as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, it is a debilitating disease which will cause your muscles to weaken and lose its function. The numbness will continue to spread upwards, causing eventual paralysis throughout your body."

He could only stare at the doctor in silence, unable to say anything.

"The cause of it is unknown. The progression will be slow, starting from the limbs. You will eventually lose the ability to walk and speak, and in later stages, a ventilator will be needed to aid in your breathing. There will also be other implications along the way. What we can only do is to give medication to slow down the progression and prolong your lifespan. Which would be around three years."

This was ridiculous. Did he actually mean that he was going to die?

He got out of the consultation room with Tiedoll who led him to a row of empty chairs while he went to collect his medicine. He still remained silent as they got back home, his diagnosis being explained to his two other stepbrothers who could stare at his stepfather in shock. He returned to his room, and as he stared at his legs which were shaking slightly at the slightest pressure exerted on them, he swore that he was not going to be affected by this nonsense which was simply absurd.

He continued his activities as usual, but he knew that something had changed. His legs wouldn't move as he wished, and he would fall down for no reason. The tugging pain which was causing the numbness was slowly getting to his nerves.

And one day, he finally could not take it anymore.

He roared, throwing everything which was in his way. Vases were smashed, and the books and papers were all over the floor. He grabbed his sword and unsheathed it, raising it up as he aimed it at his legs. If he could not move his legs as he wanted to be, then they were deemed useless.

"Yuu-kun!"

"Kanda!"

He felt someone grabbed his arm, and he shove whatever person aside roughly, his hateful gaze onto his legs which were an eyesore. As he was about to stab down, something hit his hand, causing his grip to loosen as the blade fell, flying a few metres across the floor. Tiedoll held him firmly by his arms while Marie kicked the weapon out of his reach before he could retrieve it.

"Get off of me."

There was no answer. Kanda growled, struggling against his grasp as he yelled at the top of his voice.

"Get off of me! GET OFF!"

Blood was drawn out of his fingers clawing at his skin. It felt extremely unfair, and this frustrated him greatly. Despite how hard he tried to erase it away, it just kept coming back. Why was he living a pathetic life like this? And even though he continued to question himself, he couldn't come out with an answer.

"You should treasure yourself more, Yuu-kun. Despite everything, you are still living now, isn't it?"

He felt wet tears falling onto his shoulders, yet he did not move, choosing to stare at the sunset beneath the hovering clouds.

He did not know that living could be this tiring.

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Kanda stared beyond the fences, at the same college where he previously attended.

It was his official graduation today.

Many people were strolling inside, joining the celebration which was held in the hall. He peered at the graduates who were streaming out of the hall, crowding around the garden as they took photos of one another with their gowns and certificates in their hands. It was not hard to spot Allen with that striking white hair of his as he stood at the fountain with Lenalee, Lavi and a brunette who looked extremely familiar.

I can see that Lou Fa likes you, Allen! When are you going to accept her feelings?

He continued to stare as the said girl came up to Allen who leaned down and gave a kiss on her lips.

Something inside him snapped. It was a faint sound of breaking, the broken pieces falling to the very bottom of the abyss. It actually hurt, more than the numbing pain that he experienced every day. And yet, he continued denying it. He denied it again, and again, and again, and even though he was getting sick and tired of this, he still did not stop denying.

The clenching pain he got from seeing this wasn't because of him.

It definitely wasn't because of him.

"Let's go."

"We are leaving already?" Marie questioned in bewilderment. Kanda nodded, and Marie took his hand, leading him back to the car. His face was downcast for the entire time, and it was only when the college was completely out of sight did he finally look up, staring at the shrinking reflection of the building from the side mirror.

"Do you have anywhere you want to go, Kanda? Or do you want to go home?"

He slipped his cold hands further into the warm sleeves, coughing slightly. Even though he knew he shouldn't return to that place anymore, he had to make the last trip there, in order to erase the past for real.

"Bring me back to the old house."

They arrived in front of their old house. He heard a slam of the door, and he waited inside as Marie came to his side, opening the door and pushing the wheelchair towards him. After he was tucked comfortably on the seat, he slowly wheeled him to the red letter box, opening it for him. Kanda felt something being placed onto his hands.

"There is one letter for you."

He stared at it for a long moment, before he slowly opened it. It was a letter written by Lenalee, telling him about the day of their graduation. The ink felt fresh, as though this had been written just yesterday.

"Yuu...?"

He froze, his eyes widening in shock. Kanda slowly turned to where the familiar voice came from, staring at the tall figure of Lavi who was standing a few centimetres across him, an envelope in his hand. He remained frozen in place as the redhead slowly walked to him, inspecting him from top to bottom, before he stared at him again, horrified.

"What...what happened to you?"

Kanda let out several hacking coughs, breathing heavily as he wondered why he couldn't focus properly all of a sudden. He suddenly felt unbearably warm and lightheaded.

"Kanda!"

His vision darkened, and he could only see a brief glimpse of Lavi running to him, before everything went black.

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"How ridiculous. Do you really think that I would fall for the likes of you?"

The whole classroom was deadly silent as everyone was staring at the both of them who were the centre of attention. Allen was staring at him in trembling anger, gritting his teeth hardly as he was trying his very best to bear with the utter humiliation that he threw right at his face.

"To me, you are nothing but a bean sprout."

He could clearly see the hurt which was inflicted onto him. He chuckled under his breath for a moment, the smirk on his face widening.

"How stupid you are, Allen."

"I HATE YOU."

His voice thundered loudly across the vicinity. His hands were clenched into tight fists, but he made no attempts to punch him which he usually did most of the time, and as the firm tone in his voice started to shake, he did not expect the tears to fall, streaming down his face.

"I will never forgive you. Someone like you should just disappear."

He knew he had hurt him badly, and he would never forgive him.

And deep in his heart, he was somehow relieved.

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Kanda opened his eyes, finding himself lying on the bed in a hospital room. His vision on the ceiling slowly cleared as he inhaled large amounts of oxygen from the respiratory ventilation mask he was wearing. He then let his eyes wander, noticing Marie and Lavi who were standing by the bed.

"You are finally awake! You really scared me back there, Yuu!" Lavi exclaimed, gripping his hands tightly.

He was still feeling dizzy, as though what he was seeing now was a delirious dream he was currently experiencing in his sub consciousness. Kanda let out a soft groan, his eyes peering at Marie questioningly as he wondered what had really happened.

"It is pneumonia. Your lungs have considerably weakened for the past two years, and you are prone to virus infections from outside. And..."

He somehow stopped talking, and he knew very well what this silence exactly meant. Kanda diverted his gaze back to Lavi who was not looking at him. He slowly reached out, his trembling hand removing the oxygen mask from his face, before he reached out to Lavi.

"I did not know that it would be like this."

The redhead crouched down, his face downcast as his shoulders shook violently.

"And I had been blaming you for the two whole years ever since you disappeared. I'm sorry, Yuu. I'm so sorry, so sorry..." Lavi muttered softly, tears falling out of his eyes as he knelt down by the bed and continued to apologise.

"Stop it, Lavi."

"Does the others know about this?"

He remained silent.

"What...about Allen? Does he know?"

"Lavi―"

"He has to know, Yuu! Everything is all a misunderstanding, isn't it? He has been hating you for the entire two years! You have to tell him!"

His hand slipped away from his grasp, and he panicked when Lavi slipped out of his reach quickly, making his way to the door.

"LAVI."

His footsteps stopped, his hand touching the doorknob as his loud voice thundered throughout the entire room.

"If you dare tell him, I will kill you."

His breath stuck painfully at his throat from the sudden inhale, and he broke out into fits of hoarse coughs. Marie came to him, putting the oxygen mask over his mouth immediately to ease his breathing. Lavi rushed to the bed anxiously as he started apologising to him all over again. Kanda gasped, feeling the constricted pain at his chest gradually residing as oxygen started to flow into his lungs more smoothly. The three of them just stood in the ward, silent for a few minutes.

"How many remaining years...does he have?"

"Probably a year," Marie answered for him. Kanda said nothing, choosing to stare at the sakura which slowly fluttered into the room, landing on the thick covers where his legs were.

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Kanda sat across the table, staring at his bowl of porridge in front of him as Tiedoll took a spoonful of it, pressing the utensil at his unmoving lips. He moved the stiff muscles on his face with much difficulty, opening his mouth as the spoon slipped inside his caverns. The lukewarm porridge stung his tongue slightly, before it flowed down his throat rather easily. He felt something trickling at the corner of his lips, and the older man took a piece of clean tissue and wiped it away.

"It's done, Yuu-kun."

He felt someone lifting him up in his arms, carrying him to the wheelchair which was at a corner of the living room. His arms fell limply at his sides as he sat on it, a warm blanket covering his legs. Then, he was wheeled outside, towards Lavi who was seeing him again.

"Let's go, Yuu! Where do you want to go today?"

He wanted to reprimand him for daring to use his first name, but he found it hard to even open his mouth to talk. He could not bring any strength from his body which felt nothing, as though it wasn't part of him. He was constantly tired, and all he had in mind was to retreat to his bed and just lie there for the entire day.

They went to a nearby bench in the park which was facing a small cafe. Lavi pulled the wheelchair over, before he sat down, peering at the scenery surrounding them.

"It feels good to be here."

Kanda watched as people streamed in and out of the cafe. The waiters were serving the customers, and some of them were sitting under the umbrellas outside the cafe, enjoying the evening atmosphere as they drank their beverages. How many times had he imagined himself walking up to the cafe, sitting down at the table as he slowly savored his beverage and enjoyed this tranquility?

"We should come here often. Breathing in fresh air is good for your lungs."

"Stupid," he breathed out. "You...know...it's impossible..."

"Don't talk," Lavi said, patting his back. They remained silent for a moment, as though they were waiting for each other to speak first. He watched the number of people walking inside the cafe hazily, noticing one who had the same mop of white hair among the crowd. A smile grazed his features as he served the food to the customers, before he headed to the counter. He almost chuckled at their resemblance, wondering why it would always lead back to that same person.

"At that time, did you really mean what you said to Allen?" Lavi asked.

In the past, he would have said the same answer, but now, he wasn't really sure. No matter how many times he told himself that, he knew that it wasn't just nothing.

"No."

He knew. He knew this very well. Ever since he kissed him during the Hatsunode Festival, he knew that those feelings were slowly changing, and he was dangerously slipping further into it. He thought it was just a mere impulse, and he had never intended to have anything in relations to Allen, but those memories just refused to leave him alone.

"It was the easiest way to end it."

"So you did it on purpose? To make him hate you?"

"We...detest each other all along," Kanda replied. "It is better for the both of us."

"How can you say that so selfishly?! Can't you consider Allen's feelings?"

"There is simply no meaning to linger onto someone who is dying."

Lavi froze as he stared at him, shocked. Even he was astonished at what he had said, as though he had finally admitted that his eventual death was inevitable, and there was nothing they could do to undo it. So what if he was still still alive as he saw the world which he was currently living in it? It was only going to be a short fleeting moment, before he found himself gradually forgetting, until he let out his last breath.

He could not let himself waver. Not even if it was Allen whom he was now constantly thinking of.

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He stared at the writing pen on his desk, his hand just centimetres from it. He bit his lip, his eyebrows knitting tightly as his face contorted into a grimace, gathering all of the strength he had to move his fingers. He let out a soft hiss, slowly redrawing his hand to a piece of paper which was already in front of him. He stared at it for a moment, before he lifted his hand to write the name of the white-haired man.

This wasn't him. He wasn't one to do something as hassle as writing letters to someone, and it was addressed to Allen to add. But he was bored, and had nothing to do. He could treat it as practice before his hands were gone for good.

Moyashi,

It looks like you are doing very well. I do not know why the hell I am writing to you, but this letter isn't going to be sent to you anyways.

You still look the same. Hah, you still look like the same bean sprout. Well, I wasn't expecting to see you again after two years.

Okay this is getting ridiculous. I shall end here.

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He wasn't surprised when he was sent to the hospital again for pneumonia.

His vision was in dim shades of monochrome colours when he woke up. He practically could not feel anything from his limbs and his arms, and it even felt tiring to keep breathing. He turned to the people who were present, all staring at him with solemn expressions. He could see that Tiedoll had cried earlier. Lavi just stared at him with saddened eyes, not saying anything.

He was soon discharged, returning to his home. The ventilation tube was attached to his nose to aid his breathing, and adding to his irritation, he was expected to wear it every day. Despite the doctor's advice telling him not to exert himself, he refused to lie on the bed like an invalid. Even if he could no longer move his arms and legs, he could still use his eyes to watch television programmes.

Kanda peered at the ten letters on the desk which he had written through the time. Marie somehow noticed what he wanted and took a pen and paper out, placing it in front of him. He slotted the pen into his hand, and he stared at the paper, knowing that this would be the last one he would write.

Allen

The pen slipped, falling onto the paper. Marie walked up to him, and he felt the firm hold of his hand over his as he put the pen back into his hand once again. He did not know when the addressing of his name had changed, but he did not care.

This is the last time I'm writing to you. Even till now, I could not understand why I'm doing this. I guess since this is the last one, I shall be honest to you. Though you will not find out anyways.

I am dying. It feels even harder to write this piece of letter to you. As time passes, I have thought of the days and the memories since college. The confession you said felt like something which has just happened yesterday. It feels funny that I actually do not want to forget them. Is it because I have finally realised that this is about to come to an end?

He let the pen fall out of his fingers, the sense of his touch slowly slipping away until he could no longer feel it anymore.

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He did not know which day it was. How long had he been staying here, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling of his room?

Kanda turned, staring at a particular redhead who was sitting by the bed. It was only a few minutes of thinking did he finally remember that Lavi was here to visit him again.

"You are awake, Yuu. I was wondering when you are going to wake up. It's already noon," he said with his usual annoying grin on his face. He peered at him, swallowing the saliva at his throat as he parted his lips slightly.

"You...don't...here...anymore..."

The words were slurred and unclear, yet he knew that Lavi understood what he had wanted to say for the past few weeks.

"It's okay. I have nothing to do anyways," Lavi replied, pulling his chair closer to the bed as he slipped his hand into his. He did not know if he should be glad or annoyed at him. It was already enough, and he did not want to trouble him more than this.

He turned, his eyes always wandering to his desk where the letters were.

"Don't worry. They are always there, untouched."

Lavi showed a bitter smile, and they did not say anything more. His chest was heaving by its own, the oxygen rushing into his lungs from the large tube which was inserted in his mouth and connected to his windpipe. His doctor suggested to him to do a surgery, in which he would cut an opening at his neck and insert a breathing tube into the windpipe directly, but he refused. It could only prolong his life for just one to two months, and he did not want to be confined in the hospital.

He stared at his katana, Mugen, which was left lying at the far corner of the room since he graduated from college. It was really a waste having to leave such a exquisite sword behind. It was a possession which he treasured a lot, and he did not want to give it to others either.

"Want to hold your sword again?" Lavi asked. He stared at him for a while, before he slowly nodded his head. The redhead smiled, standing up as he went to get the sword, putting it in his hand. At that instant, the sword skills which he always practised every day all came back to him, as though he was wielding it.

"Thanks," he mouthed out softly, smiling as he closed his eyes.

All that was left were the unsent letters, and the unsettled feelings he had for the other.

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"I like you."

He was standing at the parade square once again, facing Allen who was across him.

"It sounds really ridiculous right? But yeah, I like you."

The snow started falling, blurring the view. He widened his eyes as large as he could, focusing on the figure of the white-haired teenager which was becoming unclear. He was afraid―that if he looked away for a second, he would disappear completely.

"Kanda?"

He wondered why he was still here. But he did not want to miss it. Even if this was only a dream, he wanted to say it to him this time―the feelings which he had not realised from the very beginning.

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"I like you too."

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Allen stared at his unmoving figure on the bed as the continuous beeps of the electrocardiography reflected on the screen echoed loudly throughout the silent room. His hands were shaking badly at what he had just seen, not able to register what exactly had happened a few seconds ago. Tiedoll was weeping at a corner, with Marie supporting him by the side and Daisya who simply watched in silence.

"I'm sorry, Allen. I should have informed you earlier, but he said not to disrupt the life that you have having now."

He stared at the envelopes which were handed to him. He looked up, staring at Lavi who smiled.

"The letters are for you. Although they are never meant to be sent out, I feel that I have to give them to you. Read them when you have the time."

Tears slipped out of his eyes, falling onto the unaddressed envelopes which he was now holding. His hands clenched tightly, and strangled sobs finally fell out of his trembling lips as he thought of the incidents between them two years ago, and what could have been if he noticed it earlier.

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Anyway, the moments we have shared aren't really bad.

I see you soon.

...though I know that this is impossible. But yeah.

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I see you soon.

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End

Author's Notes: I have always wanted to write an angst fic based on Kanda's POV, because I haven't come across one in the fandom (well, maybe there is one that I have missed out). It is definitely easier to write in Allen's POV, but I want to try this out for a change. For readers who have read and favourited this during my first update in 2013, this story is edited and completed as a one shot. There will be no multiple chapters. This is my second attempt, so please do drop a review and tell me how you think of it! I do hope that I've captured the feelings Kanda had as he reflected his thoughts on Allen over the past two years.

To clarify the italics in the last paragraph, they were the last sentences he wrote before he signed the last letter off. It hinted that if there is a next time, he will not mind starting all over and meeting him again. And yes, the last second paragraph is Allen's POV.

The story 'Seasons' will be the last update next week. After that, I will be in hiatus until the end of May to prepare for my final examinations.

Until then, see you all soon!

SingingBlues