HOW TO BE A TINKER
starring Tinker Bell

Done (somewhat) in the style of Goofy's "How To..." cartoon shorts

Disclaimer: Tinker Bell, Disney Fairies, Goofy and all associated characters and content are the property of The Walt Disney Company, the character of Tinker Bell originated by J. M. Barrie. This fan fiction is not intended for profit or monetary gain and exists solely for the purpose of fan entertainment.

A narrator, speaking with clear and precise diction and using a voice as though speaking about an important documentary or news report begins. His voice sounds familiar, yet oddly digitized.

"Today we will demonstrate to you, the viewer, How to be a Tinker," the narrator states breathlessly. "And here is our demonstrator, Tinker Bell."

Tinker Bell, who is walking past stops to listen to the disembodied voice of the narrator. She looks around but cannot find who is speaking or where the voice is originating. She appears quite confused when she hears her name and purpose. "Hey, doesn't Goofy usually do these How To shorts?" she asks.

"He's in the hospital recovering from his last one," the narrator tells her. "Besides, who else can teach all of our viewers how to be a tinker than the most famous tinker of them all?"

Tinker Bell smiles rather smugly, "Well, when you put it that way, I'm in."

"Excellent." The voice then speaks to an aide, "Tell Bob Villa he's out."

"Hey!"

A title card pops up with the name of the current section: HOW TO PREPARE. "Now let us begin with How to Prepare," the narrator says.

The scene changes to Tinker Bell standing in her tea kettle home, her hair is untied and flowing. She is wearing a loose and billowy collection of leaves that have been hastily stitched together. They drape all the way to the floor and her hands and feet can barely be seen.

"Why am I wearing this thing?" she asks the narrator.

"You'll see," the narrator states. "First you must select the proper clothing."

"You got that right," Tinker Bell says.

"Who's narrating this show?" the narrator berates Tinker Bell. "Sorry," she replies.

The narrator begins again. "First you must select proper clothing. Loose fitting clothing that dangles or billows can be a hazard in the work place." Tinker Bell demonstrates as the narrator describes each possible hazard.

"It can restrict your range of motion and get in the way of swinging your hammer." Tinker Bell grabs her hammer and tries to swing it, but it gets caught in the folds of the loose clothing. The fairy attempts to free it by pushing it against the leaves, then pulling in towards her, then swinging it around. "C'mon, c'mon," she grunts with growing impatience and frustration. "LET GO!" she yells while swinging the hammer wildly. It finally releases from the leaf sleeve, but the momentum causes it to swing straight into her forehead. Tinker Bell falls to the ground with a thump. When she sits up there is a huge, red knot on her head and she wobbles about woozy from the hammer strike. "Does it look bad?" she asks the narrator.

"You look just fine," the narrator tells her, lying through his teeth. The tinker fairy stands up and tries to hold her balance in front of the camera as the narrator continues.

"Poor choices of clothing can make it hard to lift and carry items necessary for your project," the narrator says. Tinker Bell reaches down to pick up a stack of lumber and immediately the leaves fold and bend and push up over her head. She cannot see and the fairy stands up to smooth out and pull down the leaves. Once more she leans over to pick up the stacked wood and once again the leaves fold and push up over her head. Frustrated, hurt and impatient Tinker Bell stands up and jerks her clothing down so she can see.

Then she leans down quickly to grab the wood, but once more the leaves just get in her way. Tinker Bell simply proceeds to grab the stack of lumber and tries to walk it to the worktable. The long and ill-fitting leaf clothing gets under foot and she trips and falls face first onto the floor. Her head, however, smacks right into the stack she was carrying and she gets flipped up and over where she thus lands flat on her back. Her hammer, jostled by Tinker Bell's crash landing, falls off the edge of the table and conks her on the head once again. "OOOWWWWW! Stupid hammer!"

The narrator charges on as he begins to describe another hazard. Tinker Bell struggles to her feet to keep up. "Loose clothing and clothing that dangles can also become a problem when working with equipment, such as this spinning lathe."

A lathe, which now sits next to Tinker Bell with a board already fixed, spins up to high RPM's. "We don't use power tools," she tells the narrator. "Everything around her is fairy mYAAAA!" FWUMP!

The lathe grabbed hold of Tinker Bell's clothing and sucked her in, spinning her around and violently slamming her body into the floor with each revolution.

WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP!

"OW! OW! OW! OW!"

WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP!

"OW! OW! OW! OW!"

Finally the lathe is turned off and it spins down. Tinker Bell is freed from the power tool and slowly she crawls to her to the camera. She gingerly grabs hold of the worktable to pull herself up into camera range. "I'm so glad my insurance is paid up." Tinker Bell, too weak to hold herself up any more lets go of the table and falls into a heap.

A new title card reveals the next segment HOW TO FIX YOUR HAIR. The narrator echoes the title card with, "Next is How to Fix Your Hair."

"It just said that," Tinker Bell says.

"Who's in charge here?"

"You are," Tinker Bell replies.

"And don't you forget it."

The scene changes to Tinker Bell wearing her iconic little green dress. She appears no worse for wear after the previous incident with the lathe. Her hair is still untied and it loosely drapes over her eyes and ears. She stands before her worktable in Tinker's Nook. Bobble and Clank stand at their tables on either side of her.

"Long and unruly hair can block your vision making it difficult to see your workspace and tools and can cause serious injury or death." The narrator tells the viewers.

"What?! You never said my life would be in danger!" Tinker Bell protests.

"Haven't you watched one of these shorts before?" the narrator tells the little tinker fairy. "Someone's life is always in danger."

"No wonder Goofy wound up in the hospital," Tinker Bell mumbled to herself.

"Now then, as I was saying, long and unruly hair can block your vision making it difficult to see your workspace and tools and can cause serious injury or death."

Tinker Bell takes her hammer and swings it at an acorn. Her hair prevents her from clearly seeing where to strike the hammer and she slams the tool right onto her thumb.

She screams out in pain, "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Tinker Bell grabs her injured thumb and jumps around, her face grimacing. Her thumb, while not broken, is bright red and pulsing with terrible pain.

"Now we come to our next segment, taking a visit to the emergency room," the narrator suggests quite sarcastically.

"Hmmph. Not funny."

The narrator presses on. "Hair that impairs your vision can not only create an unsafe work environment for yourself, but also for your neighbors."

Tinker Bell continues, although is clearly in serious pain. She takes the hammer and slams it down on the acorn which splits in two, rocketing the nut into Bobble's unprotected head. THOCK! He collapses to the floor like a sack of pebbles. When he comes to he looks over at Tinker Bell and Clank who are both looking back with great concern.

"He did it," the narrator lied unhelpfully.

"What?!" Tinker Bell shrieks in disbelief.

"Clank? You hit me in the head?"

"Of course not, Bobble. It was Tinker Bell," Clank replied.

"It couldn't be Tinker Bell, snail brain, she's too nice to do something that rotten," Bobble roared back.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"Yes, a lying, liar."

"Guys, guys, it was me," Tinker Bell confessed. "It was me and the narrator. Didn't you hear him speaking?"

But they weren't interested. Bobble and Clank start a fist fight and the two start rolling on the ground.

"You take that back," Clank yelled at Bobble.

"Never, you're a no good, back stabbing liar of an ex-friend," Bobble shot back.

"Well if I'm such a lousy friend why don't you move out," Clank shouted. "Then you can move in with your girlfriend, Gliss, in the Winter Woods."

"I will, and then I won't have to worry about her lying to me," Bobble screamed in return.

"You do that, and I'll just share my place with… with…," the two stop fighting as Clank comes to a sudden realization. "I'll be alone. All alone without you Bobble. I don't want to be alone. It's awful lonely."

"I'm sorry, Clank. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"And I shouldn't have yelled at you, either."

"Friends?" Bobble asked putting out his open hand.

"Friends," Clank replied taking Bobbles hand in his own and shaking it, sealing their newfound respect for each other.

"Aw, c'mon, guys," Tinker Bell says to them. "How about a hug?"

"Not until you tame that hair, Ms. Bell," Bobble tells her. "You're a menace with it like that."

Tinker Bell just looks confused and a little insulted at the same time. "But…, but… I'm doing a show on how to be a tinker. Can't anybody else hear the narrator?"

"You're hearing voices, Ms. Bell?" Clank asks her.

Tinker Bell sighs. "Oh never mind. I'm going back home."

"And this brings us to our next segment," the narrator announces as a new title card appears. It reads CHOOSING A HAMMER. "Choosing a hammer," the narrator parrots.

"Choosing a hammer may seem like a simple thing, but the right hammer can make all the difference in the quality of your workmanship and the success of your projects," the narrator tells the viewers with the same breathless pace.

Tinker Bell came across two hammers: hers and another, larger hammer with odd scribbles on it.

"The proper hammer should be the proper size for your hand," the narrator explains helpfully. It is advice which Tinker Bell fully ignores when she chooses the larger, inscribed hammer, which seems inappropriate for tinker work. Rather than a curved head with a large flat end and a sharper end on the opposite side, this hammer is large and somewhat rectangular in shape and the ends were flat and blunt. The handle was long, wrapped in leather and possessed a loop through which she put her arm to gain a more secure grip.

"A hammer should never be too heavy or too light for you to use," the narrator carried on. When Tinker Bell tried to lift the massive hammer she couldn't. No matter how hard she lifted, nothing she tried seemed to be able to dislodge it from its resting place.

"Your hammer should swing easily without causing you to lose your balance," the narrator continued. As soon as he said this the massive hammer that Tinker Bell was trying to lift suddenly released and flew off to the right, taking Tinker Bell with it out of camera range.

"Whoa-a!" she yelled as the hammer flew across the camera's view finder left to right. "Whoa! Heel, heel!" she yelled as the hammer continued to zip about in all directions as if trying to yank free from the tinker fairy's grip. Tinker Bell would have none of it and held steadfastly as it bolted away from her in all directions.

"Your perfect hammer should be a part of you, an extension of your arm and body," the narrator spoke as if nothing odd were happening with Tinker Bell and the massive hammer. "You should be able to swing around in a single, smooth motion. Don't fight the tool, let your power flow through the hammer effortlessly and gracefully."

Tinker Bell was suddenly, and harshly yanked straight up by the hammer, which now seemed to have developed a life, and mind, of its own. "A-aaaaaah!" she yelled. The massive hammer jerked and dodged and spun around as it attempted to dislodge the unwanted passenger. Tinker Bell was pulled in loop de loops and zig-zags. She spun around and around and flipped over and over again. Still Tinker Bell refused to let go, but the hammer would not allow to her to cling and it began to employ less ethical methods. It stopped in midair and bonked her in the head repeatedly.

THONK! THONK! THONK! THONK!

"Ow, ow, ow, ow. Stop that!"

When this failed the hammer dragged her through trees and bushes and brambles with the sharpest thorns. Tinker Bell screamed and cried out in protest with every new plant she encountered. The hammer than slammed her against every hillside, mountainside and crevasse wall it could find. Then it dragged her through rivers and streams and into the ocean itself, but Tinker Bell would not yield.

"When swinging your hammer always be mindful of your environment," the narrator said, still talking in unchanging tones.

As a last resort the hammer shot straight upwards, taking Tinker Bell to heights she had never experienced before. Suddenly, the massive hammer stopped, holding her so high above Never Land that it appeared as a tiny, green speck in a giant sea of blue. Even the mainland seemed small and insignificant at this altitude. That is when the clear sky turned dark and clouds appeared from nowhere. The winds picked up and there was the rumble of thunder. Tinker Bell and hammer were struck by a huge bolt of lightning which left the tinker fairy burnt and crisped. The tip of her bangs were aflame and she licked her fingers and thumbs to put it out. FSSSHHHH!

Then the hammer plummeted towards the ground at an insane speed. Tinker Bell screamed out in utter fear for her life, a stream of smoke trailing behind her as she and the hammer descended through the low level clouds and through several flocks of birds. Never Land Island grew quickly in her gaze and Tinker Bell wondered if she would survive the impact.

Meanwhile, in the Pixie Dust Tree, Queen Clarion had received a rather handsome visitor. He was The Mighty Thor, the Asgardian god of thunder.

"I seemed to have lost my hammer," the told the queen. She didn't respond. Instead, the queen, Fairy Mary, Snowflake, Sunflower and even Viola merely stared with dreamy looks and mouths agape.

"It is a rather large war hammer with writing," Thor said to them, describing it. Still, the women did not respond. They just… drank in the handsome sight.

"Its name is Mjölnir. Although my friend Darcy tends to refer to it as MyumMyum," he said with a winning smile and charming laugh. Queen Clarion and the other women could only sigh. They could have sworn that his eyes twinkled and his teeth sparkled in the light of the pixie dust glow.

"Can you help me?" Thor asked them once more. "My brother Loki played a rather nasty trick by hiding it somewhere in your kingdom."

KABOOOM! A thunderous crash shook the Pixie Dust Tree. Thor was the first out the door onto the terrace. Queen Clarion, Fairy Mary and the others followed behind, nearly swooning as his billowing cape revealed even more bulging muscles and a perfectly sculpted body. Outside, on the terrace was Tinker Bell. The hammer had returned to its owner and left the tinker fairy lying on the floor, burnt, blackened and in a very unladylike pose.

"You found it," Thor bellowed cheerfully. "Come to me," he ordered. Tinker Bell's grip no longer of any concern to the hammer, obeyed and flew into Thor's hand. The thunder god turned to Queen Clarion and spoke in his eloquent tones, "Thank you for retrieving my hammer, Your Highness." He took her hand in his and kissed it reverently.

"Now, on to New York City to rejoin The Avengers!" With that Thor spun the hammer and flew off into the sky. Queen Clarion and the others just watched in awe.

Finally, the queen spoke in hushed whispers. "Fairy Mary, did you see that?"

"You mean the impossibly handsome blonde god of thunder and wonderful dreams?"

"Yes, exactly. Could you make an exact replica of that armor?"

"Of course," Fairy Mary replied, her eyes still transfixed on the skies where Thor disappeared.

"Then make one for me," Clarion responded. "Make it so that it fits Lord Milori."

"Yes, Queen Clar-," Fairy Mary was shaken from her revery. "Lord Milori?"

"Yes," Queen Clarion replied, still enraptured by Thor's charm and handsome body. "And a matching hammer."

"What did I tell you about choosing the right hammer?" the narrator said scolding Tinker Bell.

"Ow," was all she could croak.

End Part 1

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