Now That You're Gone
"Everyone has been telling me I need to move on. But what they don't realize is that I don't want anyone else and I'm never going to. Only you. No ones ever gonna complete me like you did."
…
She thought about him all the time.
Especially when she looked at her -their- son. Little three year old Jett Lynch was just like his father. He was fussy, and stubborn, and quite ornery, but he was also an absolute sweetheart and Laura couldn't stay mad at him for very long.
Sometimes he'd find her in the kitchen, crying, at times when he was suppose to be taking a nap, but he'd get out of bed and sneak downstairs.
Her pale face would have red tear stains running down it and a crumpled up tissue would be incased in her shaking hands.
Jett would quickly rush to her side.
"What's wrong mommy?"
And because she couldn't lie to his face, she would tell the honest-to-goodness truth.
"Jett, sweetie, I miss your dad. A lot actually. I think about him quite often." She pauses to wipe her nose on the already very much used tissue before continuing. "You remind me so much of him," she says in a voice that's barely above a whisper, yet somehow the kid still manages to hear it.
Jett's face contorts into a thoughtful expression, like he's putting two and two together. "Does that mean… I'm the reason you're crying?"
"No! No! No!" She's quick to correct him. "No, baby, if anything you're the reason I smile."
She bring her son up onto her lap and grips onto him for dear life. She's already let one of the most important people in her life slip away from her. She doesn't plan on losing anyone else.
…
It's five-thirty in the morning, so why the hell is her doorbell ringing?
She sighs angrily, tying the knot on her robe around waist and finger-combing her messy brown hair.
Laura's feet parade on the cold kitchen floor until they're met with the warmth of the welcome mat.
She opens the door to reveal non other than her favorite brother-in-law, Riker Lynch.
"Riker, do you have any idea what time it is?" She growls at him.
He simply smiles and ruffles her hair. Something that he knows annoys her, but obviously that's not an issue right now. "Good morning to you too, sissy."
He pushes past her, a cardboard box resting on his hip, and into her living room where little to no sunlight is streaming in through the windows.
"I found something that I thought you might want," he places the box down on the sofa and Laura gives it an incredulous look.
"An old box that smells like dust and mold. Gee, Riker, you really shouldn't have."
He rolls his eyes, pretty much expecting this sassy attitude from her. Especially at so early in the morning. "Take a look inside."
"But-"
"Just look."
She looks back and forth, from the box, to Riker, and back to the box again before lifting the lid up carefully and peering inside to find it full of papers.
She raises an eyebrow, taking a piece out an unfolding it.
"Dear Laura," is written at the top in sloppy cursive writing. Ross's sloppy cursive writing that he was never very good at, but somehow she always managed to know what he had written.
Dear Laura,
If you had any doubts that the whole time I was on earth that I had known you, I was completely in love with you and no one else ever crossed my mind, then obviously I failed my job.
It's just that the thing about you is, there will never be enough words in the world to express fully and completely what you mean to me. I could write for hours on end, billions upon billions of pages that explain how much I love you and I still wouldn't feel like I'd gotten my message through to you good enough. It would even begin to scratch the surface.
But I'm gonna try my best to do that. So that way, even when I'm not around, you'll still know that I love you.
You were my whole world. My costar, turned best friend, turned girlfriend, turned love of my life, turned wife and mother of my son.
In the simplest terms; I love you. That's not all I can say about my feelings for you, but it's a start.
Love, Ross
With each word Laura's heart aches even more. Hot, salty tears raced down her cheeks in large streams.
This was just one of the many papers that were in that box. A box full of love notes to her. All written by him. All about her.
"It's funny," the blond pipes up for behind her. She had honestly forgotten he was there. "Even when he was sick and laying on his death bed, all he was worried about was that you didn't know he loved you."
Laura right then made it her silent promise to read every single one of those fucking notes. No matter how long it took.
After all, he had spent the rest of his life writing them. The least she could do was spend the rest of her life reading them.
…
"Mommy, can I get a cookie?" Jett looks up at her with those pleading brown eyes (yet another thing he'd inherited from his father) as they pass by some free sample tables at the grocery store. Of coarse the one with color frosted cookies would pique his attention.
"I don't know, babe. Have you been a good boy today?"
"Yes mommy! I have!"
She smiles and bends down to par his head. "Okay then, but only if you get mommy one too."
His face breaks out into an ear-to-ear smile as he eagerly asks the lady if he can have a cookie.
Laura's smile quickly fades when a compete stranger bumps into her, knocking her to the ground.
"I'm so sorry. I should have been looking where I was going. Sorry."
The stranger offers her a hand, but she subtly rejects it, helping herself up and brushing her hands off on her jeans.
"I'm really sorry about that, I'm Ethan by the way," the stranger informs her, extending a hand toward her. He looks to be about her age or somewhere around it, who yes, she'll admit, has a handsome face and seems to be staring at her with that look in his eyes that she knows all too well.
She accepts his hand shake and smiles back friendly. "I'm Laura."
The fact that the handshake lingers a little bit does not go unnoticed by Laura, but she brushes it off as best she can, hoping maybe she was just reading too much into the situation.
"I don't normally do this, ya know, literally run into pretty women in the supermarket and ask them out, but I don't know. Maybe we could get coffee sometime or something.
"Oh, um," she looks down and blushes. Embarrassed for him more than herself really.
He smiles charmingly, thinking that he's got her and all he has to do is reel her in.
"I'm flattered, but I'm also married. So no thank you."
The smile on Ethan's face is quickly replaced by a look of shock. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just- I noticed you weren't wearing a ring."
She looks down quizzically at her finger, and low and behold, there is no ring on it. Laura quickly remembers how she had waked the dishes the other day, and remember how she had once lost her grandmother's ring down the drain once, she took it off and apparently never put it back on.
"Well, you better put it back on again. You're husband might get mad at all these guys coming on to his wife because of a misunderstanding," he says and chuckles.
She laughs too, but it probably comes out more forced than she had hoped it would. "I should probably tell you that my husband isn't actually alive, but I guess you could say I'm still emotionally attached to him."
"Hey, yeah totally understandable," he takes a step back, offering her an encouraging smile. "The first year's always the hardest."
'Really?' Laura think, 'because its been almost sixteen months and everyday feels like I just lost him yesterday.'
…
The nightmares are horrible. And the worst part is, is that nothing really happens in them. She just sees him, laying on that hospital bed. Sick, and only getting worse because of that damn leukemia.
And Laura's just standing there, caged by an invisible force field of uselessness, because that's honestly how she felt that day. Here was the man she loved, who she would do anything for, about to die, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
She would have switched places with him in a heartbeat, but she knows that if switching places would have been an option, Ross would have switched right back with her. And she with him. And him with her. And it would have kept going on like that forever.
Now, Laura curls up in a ball on a bed that's far too big for just her (not that she would ever think f inviting anyone else to join her. Even on her loneliest night, replacing him with someone else doesn't cross her mind) she hugs tightly to her pillow and sobs into it.
"It should have been me," she mumbles against the fabric of the pillow, "it should have been me."
…
It's been a year and a half, a very excruciating one at that, and she keeps hearing the same things over and over again.
"Laura, maybe it's time you moved on."
"Laura, you need to start the healing process."
"Laura, you're never gonna feel better if you keep grieving."
She wants to tell them all to just fuck off, she doesn't but she comes very close to it sometimes. How dare they say those things. They don't know what she's going through. Yes, the lost someone very important to them too, but it's not the same. They aren't her. Everyone is affected by things differently, and they have no right to tell her when it's time to move on.
Her girlfriends offer to hook her up with someone, even if its just for one night.
They say that it'll make her feel better. It'll take her mind off of him for awhile, but she knows that if anything she'll just end up comparing the guy to Ross, and they'll end up paling in comparison.
She's not looking for a relationship or even just meaningless sex. If the one person she wants more than anyone else is the person she can't have, than she'd rather just forgot about love and sex at all. It means nothing to her anymore. Love is just an empty word of anyone else is to say it. At least that kind of love.
It's one simple October night that she's visited by him in her dreams. Not her nightmares, but an actual dream, where he stands before her in perfect health, glowing like the sun. That perfect smile he always wore so well is the one he's adorning. Just the sight of him, no longer suffering is enough to make her feel better.
"Ross?"
"Hey, Laur, you miss me?"
She attacks him in a hug, jumping on him and tackling him to the ground. She gets a hold of him, a vice like grip, and cries into his chest. It all rushes out at once and once it's started, Laura doesn't think she'll be able to stop.
"Hey, hey, hey," Ross lifts her he'd up toward his, "don't cry beautiful. You know I hate it when you cry."
She bites her lip and goes to wipe her tears away, but he stops her, holding her hand in one of his and brushing her tears away with the other.
She reddens under his touch and a weak smile etches its way to her form.
"There's that smile I've been waiting for," he kisses her temple softly and murmurs against her forehead, "you look gorgeous, Laura."
Her head sinks into his neck as she fights off tears. "What are you doing here?"
"I came here to see you."
"I know, but," she breathes out a shallow breath, "is it really you? What's going on?"
"Kind of. I mean this is your dream, but I'm just visiting you. I was allowed to visit both you and Jett one time each. I decided that I couldn't wait to see you anymore."
"I don't understand," she says.
"It's kind of complicated to explain. I'm not really here, but I am." He brushes a piece of hair behind her ear. "I came here tonight because I need to talk to you."
She nods, gesturing for him to go on.
"I've been watching you, Laur. I know you're having a really tough time right now. What's going on with you?"
She sighs and shakes her head. "I can't do it, Ross. I just- I…. can't!"
"Can't do what?"
"Everyone has been telling me I need to move on. That it's time to start healing and getting over you. They think I need to meet someone new to get you off my mind.
But what they don't realize is that I don't want anyone else and I'm never going to. You are the only person I've ever met that i would want to be with for the rest of my life, and no matter how much anyone says otherwise, that will never not be true. I want you. Only you. No ones ever gonna complete me like you did. I'm never gonna feel the way I did -and still do- about you toward anyone else."
Ross swallows hard, and takes both of her hands. "I understand that, Laura, because honestly, if the roles were reversed, and I was the one on that earth without you, I'd feel the same way."
Laura steadies herself, she's getting so worked up and she can't help but let a few tears spill over.
"But listen, okay?" He grabs her by the shoulder tightly. "I need you to be strong, okay? I know it's tough, but it hurts me to see you so sad everyday, crying all because of me, and I can't do anything about it. I want to comfort you, but knowing I can't makes it even harder.
I'm not telling you to move on with someone else, unless you want to, but just be happy. Life is a blessing no matter who you're sharing it with and who you're not. You've got an amazing family. Two loving parents and a sister who all care so much about you. Not to mention my family who will always consider you one of them, no matter what, they will always have your back. You have a son, who is going to grow up to be an amazing person all because he has you as a mother."
Now both of them are starting to get emotional.
"You can do this, Laura. I know you can. I believe in you. You're my hero. You're the most amazing and strongest person I know, and I love you so much. Always have, always will."
"I love you too, Ross," she says, her voice cracking.
They share one last warm hug, both wishing this is how it could be forever, but unfortunately it can't.
Ross pulls away, a tear running down his cheek as well.
Laura wipes it away, returning the favor from earlier and kisses his cheek softly.
"I have to go now, Laura. This is it for me."
She swallows the lump in her throat. "But I don't want to say goodbye."
"Then don't," he shrugs, "say goodnight instead."
"Goodnight, Ross," she latches into him.
"Goodnight, Laura," he releases her, hesitantly and backs away from her, fading with ever step. "I'll see you in the morning."
Laura wakes up in a panicked state. She surveys the scene before her and indeed, she's in her bedroom. Alone.
She wipes her sweaty forehead and gets out of bed to get a drink of water.
On the way to the kitchen, she stares out of the window and up into the sky.
"I love you, Ross," she whispers, "Always have. Always will."
End.
A/N
Okay, so I posted this on my Tumblr quite awhile ago but I decided I wanted to post it here too. Why? I don't know, because I want to make you cry? Maybe. Either way, I recently came across it again and I though, "what the hell? Lets see if I can actually evoke any emotion from you little shits.
Haha, I kid kid! I've never written anything this depressing before, but after the last Chapter of Moving In With R5, I got all these reviews saying how people were gonna have to go out and buy tissues to continue to read my story. So yeah, here's this for you.
Leave a review if you like and even if you don't. Leave a review if you're mad at me for ripping your heart out with feels.
Oh, and this is a question I meant to ask before; does anyone know where I got the name "Jett Lynch" from (the name of Ross and Laura's son in this story) or am I the only one who remembers that? *probably*
Alright guys, it's only ten thirty here I live, but I should probably be heading to bed -and yes I am lying- since I've got school tomorrow. Ugh! So goodnight!
KKthanxbai,
Morgan :)