Donna tokidatte
Soba ni irukara
Kimi to iu hikari ga watashi wo mitsukeru
Mayonakani
Things are always so simple when you're a kid.
Too bad only hindsight allows you to understand that--I might have taken advantage of it had I been as smart as I am now. To go back to when love was as simple as walking down the street with a girl you cared about, catching half glimpses of her face out of the corner of your eyes. Laughing at stupid jokes, trying as hard as you could not to be as transparent as you were anyway.
But then what would be the point of growing up, if you already knew it all?
The shuttle is about to land, and I can feel the knot in my belly wind a little tighter. It's that same feeling you get right before a Gundam Match with an unknown opponent, that almost painful lump of the unknown causing tenseness to radiate throughout your body. A good fighter can undo the knot, calmly focus his thoughts until the fight is all that's left. Too bad this isn't a match--at least that has a set outcome. You either lose or win.
When your feelings are the only constant in the face of change, then taking on the Devil Gundam again might seem a bit easier in comparison.
Oh, God, what am I going to do if I come out of the gate and she's standing there with a boyfriend? Arm in arm as she smiles and laughingly introduces me as an "old friend". Maybe I'm over exaggerating a bit, but I honestly think I would crumple up and die on the spot.
The worst part would be that I'd have no-one but myself to blame. Somehow it seemed easier over these past three years to tell myself "soon". It was always "I'll go see her soon, but first I have to oversee the temple repairs", or "I'll begin answering her messages sooner, right after I process these new applicants".
What? That doesn't sound like me? Well, everyone has to grow up sometime, me included. When responsibilities are threatening to overwhelm you, one tends to grow up pretty damn fast, especially when you've got a monkey in the form of two badgering monks constantly on your back.
It wasn't that we never talked, or that I didn't think of her, it was just that there was always so much to do. She seemed like the only thing that would be there after all was said and done.
And, I was afraid. Things that had seemed so clear became muddled over the months. She liked me, didn't she? Then why were our conversations always so platonic? What had that kiss really meant? Was it a kiss-kiss? Or a friendly hope-you-do-well-kiss? Could I handle it if it was the latter and not the former?
Argh, now I really DO feel like I'm that sixteen year old brat again. I have to admit a part of me wishes I had never left the temple, there at least, I know my place...
I've never been a coward, but only an idiot can't see when they're scared.
***
Isn't it funny? When you're young, you never really give thought to what love really is. You just kinda accept it as one of those things that you'll understand when you're older.
Then, when it hits you over the head like a two-by-four, you understand that you'll never "get" love. All those things you've seen or read are thrown out the window because it's different for every person. You stumble and grope your way through as best you can, only hoping you'll get to a place where you can relax and piece it all together. You tell yourself, "I'll never be mushy, or dorky." And then before you know it, you're making an utter moron out of yourself.
I've heard, that when you're in love, all you think about is that person.
Maybe for some people that's the way it is, but it was different for me. Maybe it's because I'm a fighter, I dunno.
I have so many things to think about all the time. Maybe it's not romantic, but days can go by without me even thinking about her.
Then, something out of the blue will remind me and I can't keep from smiling. Or I'll have a bit of time to myself, and my thoughts will wander to her. She may not be front and center of my mind all the time, but she's always there.
That's what I think love is to me, I suppose.
Not really a fixation--where you have to constantly think of that person every waking second--just something almost, well, simple and clean that's always there.
I wonder if she feels the same way...
***
We've touched down. My luggage is sweaty in my tense hands as I peer through the crowd, looking for a face I couldn't forget if I tried.
There she is.
At first I almost don't recognize the man she's with, and my heart hurts for a brief second. Then I realize it's her brother, and I can breathe again.
She's so beautiful, she really could have the pick of any guy she wants.
All I have to do is make sure that the one she wants is me. Shouldn't be too hard.
Yeah right, who the hell am I fooling? Anything could have happened over the years, there could be--
She meets my eyes and the most radiant smile I've ever seen overtakes her face. It's just how I remember her.
My heart stops, and I am that nervous sixteen year-old once more.
Suddenly, everything is simple again.
owari