Make Believe

Dave perched silently behind the large black couch in the common room. Beneath his shades he could detect Terezi sitting cross-legged on the floor, her back facing towards him. Engrossed inside a small leather journal, Terezi traced the pages of colorful incomprehensible scribbles with small gray fingers. Her engrossment puzzled and alarmed Dave, but he found it reassuring to figure she did not yet realize he was hiding. Springing to his feet, he grabbed the back of the couch for support as he pushed himself up and over, rolling clumsily over scattered pillows and cushions onto the floor directly behind Terezi. His cape was now wrapped awkwardly around his neck and torso. The troll, twisting her head around without any trace of alarm, rested her sightless gaze upon the Knight of Time. "What is it now, Dave?"

After straightening up his cape, Dave curled his fingers to match the shape of a gun. He lowered his voice into a rasp. "You thought you'd get away with it, didn't you?"

Terezi groaned. "Please, Dave, not today."

"Dave? I don't go by that name. Although it's quite unfortunate, seeing as that name is so unfathomably charming. Clearly, though, you would have recognized me by now."

"Cut it out. I'm not in the mood."

"The name's Bond. James Bond. James Harrison Elizabeth Bond the Third. And I won't let you give Russia those nuclear launch codes." He moved his finger-gun closer to the teal-blooded troll threateningly, tilting his head slightly towards the left to catch the light.

Terezi closed her journal. She stood up stretching her arms behind her back, and without looking back she slunk off towards an open doorway leading to another part of the meteor. Dave raised his voice in mock desperation. "This isn't over, you coward! I'll find them, Miss Valentino, I swear on the death of my dearly beloved Sasha—or was it Amy?—I swear that the last lady I picked up at that one bar with the martinis that she did not die for nothing! You hear me, Valentino? You will not get away with—"

The room echoed back his own voice. Terezi had left. Dave silently lowered his finger-gun as he stared towards the open doorway before collapsing back onto the metal floor with a sigh. His space-alien girlfriend was clearly avoiding him these last few weeks. Time and time again Dave would try to pique her rapidly deteriorating spirit with just about anything that used to make her smile; role-play scenarios, writing profanities on the walls in crayon, laying down sick rhymes about dragons— the teal blooded troll would brush off each and every suggestion and continue to sulk. Trolls sure are complicated.

He scrunched and fluffed up his cape into a make-shift pillow, cradling the back of his head in his hands. The barren ceiling began to bore him, and eventually he closed his eyes. What was it that changed? Something dark had rooted in Terezi's thoughts, and as she began to withdraw Dave found himself spending more and more time alone. Nights began to pass by slower. Solitude began to feel docile, even welcoming. And yet, every so often, Dave would catch himself staring at the chalked up wall in the main hall—covered in colorful scribblings—comparing his artwork against hers. He was just about done comparing. He was done trying to figure out just how she wanted him to draw. Metaphorically, of course. Dave rolled onto his side. Fucking hell, what does that even mean?

"Pffft….."

Shit. Dave focused hard on remaining still, but his face burned hot with embarrassment. He breathed in and out leisurely for a few moments before responding. "I obviously knew you were there, Kitkat. I understand if you want to pretend like I couldn't sense you hiding if that helps you sleep better."

Roosting on the couch with his legs curled up to his chest, Karkat covered a smile with his hands. He snickered for a few moments more, before his usual scowl returned. "Don't fucking call me that you nookbiter. I wasn't hiding."

The two sat in uncomfortable silence. Fuck, I must have looked so uncool, and not even in the cool ironic sense of being uncool. Why is Terezi continuing to treat me like shit? Why did he of all people have to witness it?

"What's her fucking problem, anyhow?" Karkat pushed himself to one side, his cheeks resting on his hands. "I'm not completely daft. This isn't the first time she's bailed on you like that, is it?"

"I really have no clue dude. And I'm not really interesting in spending six hours psychoanalyzing her. If you wanna do that, you can go talk to Rose."

The troll lowered his eyes into a glare, spitting, "Oh, forgive me for expressing a shining shit of curiosity and concern for my former matesprite!"

"I thought she was your former kiss-my-sis or whatever?"

"Don't fucking remind me of all my vacillation drama. It's still a sore subject you cretinous scumbag."

"If it's still such a tender topic for conversation, then what were you doing chilling with her?"

Karkat frowned. "Why are you such a bulge nipple? I was obviously trying to talk to her, to help her out. She is clearly depressed."

"Wow you really are some kind of wizard at the troll-girls."

"I bet it pleases your easily-satisfied thinkpan to hear that despite my best efforts, she avoided my attempts to comfort her. Rather, she just continued to gawk at her fucking scribbles. She wouldn't let me see them, but she kept licking all the purple pages. It was awkward. So instead of leaving her to slobber in depressed stupor, I just kind of sat here, trying to figure out the right words to say. And then, you came in here diving off the glorious fucking deep end in an even more pathetic attempt to reach her. My god, Dave, it was just so damn hilarious. Pathetic, but hilarious."

"Yeah. She's a mystery, that Pyrope." Dave dismissed, rolling over onto his stomach and perching his head in his hands. He continued to avoid eye contact with the troll.

"No you incompetent seedflap, it wasn't just Terezi that was funny. It was that deplorable little grub game you were playing. Do you even understand how pitiful that was? I know Terezi is usually all into that kind of poignant make-believe bullshit, but even she couldn't stand your nonsense. How does it feel to know that the queen of lame game scenarios doesn't even want to play along with, well, whatever the hell that was?"

"I was James Bond you uncultured swine. And it was awesome."

"Ironically awesome? Because I still don't understand where you draw the line."

"No, like, seriously awesome. Double-Oh-Seven, man. You couldn't possibly recognize that level of class, charm, and badassery if it were staring you straight in the face." Finding his moment, he finally turned his head to face the troll. "I mean that much is evident considering I'm staring at you right now."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Strider, you don't know the first fucking thing about what it means to be badass."

"And you clearly don't know a damn thing about how to have fun. Always taking things so seriously."

"What a joke." Karkat sat up defensively, his fingers gripping the edge of the cushions. "I have more fun smelling Equius's smelly ass crack than you've had in your entire filthy bane of existence!"

"Well I'm not too surprised there that actually sounds like a once in a lifetime endeavor, please tell me all about it."

"How about I replicate the pleasure and privilege of that occurrence by shoving my fist down your shitsmoking throat and ripping out your voice tube?"

Dave snickered at the troll he was clearly working up into a frenzy. "Please do. I've waited my entire life for this. Let me let you in on a little secret. When I was very young, my brother used to tuck me into bed every night and whisper in my ear, 'One day, Dave, one day a spooky gray alien is going to stick his entire fist down your esophagus and take your breath away' and I have looked forward to that glorious day ever since. It kept me going. It keeps me looking forward."

"What the incredible fuck are you talking about?"

"Who knows."

A faint growling sound began to roll off of Karkat in tiny waves. Dave turned his body towards him, and noticed Karkat tensing up.

"Woah there, Kitkat. Looks to me like you could relax a little. I know you can barely resist from putting your hands inside my mouth but—"

That did it. Karkat sprang from the couch with his his hands curling into fists, eyes flashing furiously. He grabbed Dave in anger, but was pulled downwards. Since Dave was significantly stronger—and heavier—wrestling Karkat to the floor was easy. Smiling deviously, Dave sat on top of the troll's chest stubbornly.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU VACUOUS NOOKSTAIN." The growl in Karkat's throat had spread into a rumble, and his sharp teeth began to clatter.

Dave shrugged, positioning his hands into a pistol. "Not until you give me the codes." He pressed his fingers hard against the underside of the troll's chin.

"What the fuck are you blathering on about—"

"The codes, Doctor. I know you have them, and I won't let an innocent country burn to the ground because of it. Give me the codes and maybe I won't blow your brains out."

The red blooded troll glared at Dave while his teeth clattered and echoed throughout the room. Karkat furiously considered his options. He wasn't really one to role-play, but he wasn't one to argue against someone with a finger-gun pointed towards his thinkpan, either. Life was getting a little monotonous on the meteor. And Dave looks so damn pathetic in that pose, it would be cruel of me not to play along Maybe this would help him? Karkat tried to relax his jaw as he rolled his eyes in compliance. "…if I tell you what the fucking codes are, do you promise you'll spare my life?"

Dave raised his eyebrows, surprised at Karkat's reaction. He mimed himself straightening out an invisible tie with his free hand. "Of course. I'm bound to the ancient blood-oath secret agent honor code or some shit."

Slowly, the growling in Karkat's throat ebbed. "They don't belong to me, but I know where we can find them."

"Liar. I received top-secret information from your deceptive Intel that you, personally, had stolen the codes from the UK Government Agencies."

"Stop accusing me you idiotic fucksponge, why the fuck would I steal some bullshit codes?" He threw his head back in compliance. "Well, okay, alright, I did steal the codes. It was just so damn easy, sneaking into the UK, uh, building place thing."

"Well? Where are they?" Dave jammed the nuzzle of his finger-gun against Karkat's skin, lowering his body.

"Alright alright I'll give you the fucking codes you anthropomorphic shitsponge—!" Karkat noticed Dave's fingers were warm and clammy. He swallow back his insults nervously. At this proximity, he could barely make out the human's crimson eyes behind his dark shades, beaming with whimsical intensity. Karkat knew he was in no real danger, but he piqued his voice desperately to appear dramatically sincere. "I don't have them anymore! I was, er, working under someone else. They have the fucking codes, not me, so let me go!"

Dave relaxed his hand and raised an eyebrow as he lowered his fake weapon. "So, will you help me locate and return the nuclear launch codes, if I set you free?"

The troll glanced up at Dave, with an extended, melodramatic pause. "Of course fucknut." Dave released Karkat from his weight, granting Karkat a brief moment to brush the dust off his shirt before standing up.

"Here," Dave said, swatting his empty hands towards the troll.

"What kind of episode are you having now?"

"I'm giving you a gun, dude. We can't go into the heart of the Russian KGB's CIA without proper protection."

"Oh." Karkat tried positioning his fingers similarly to Dave. He was beginning to experience a sort of thrill—something he tended to avoid at all costs—rising from his stomach and into his chest. This is…actually kind of fun I guess. Straightening his back, he shot Dave a dramatic look. If he was going to go along with this, he might as well get into character. "Okay, Mr. Bond, I'll lead the way. Follow me, but keep your mouth shut. If a single word escapes that huge gaper of yours, they'll be onto us. We need to sneak into my boss's headquarters undetected. Make sure you have enough ammo, you might need it."

Dave had forgotten that Karkat was the troll session's leader. Upon arriving at the meteor, Dave distinctly remembered Karkat completely freaking out and abdicated his leadership—as if it really meant anything, anyway—to the humans. Since then, the troll had mostly avoided any position of authority. It was slightly enticing to see him take charge. Even if it was in a lame make-believe game. He brushed aside his ego and nodded towards Karkat. "Ready when you are, Doctor."

The pair tiptoed into a smaller room, where Dave found Rose delicately sitting on a lounge chair, reading an old tome. Something about those night-terrors that keep speaking to her, I'm sure. Karkat interrupted Dave's concern by rapidly flailing his hands, signaling for him to follow. They darted behind a potted plant and huddled closely together.

"Okay," Karkat whispered, his breath warm on Dave's face due to their proximity. "The codes are hidden in that book right there. We're going to have to find a way to swipe it from her. Got any bright ideas?" He was slightly disappointed that Dave didn't respond to his cleverly placed pun.

Dave stole a peak from behind the long stems of the plant. "She's facing our nine-o-clock. All we have to do is continue counter clockwise, knock out those guards right there," he whispered, pointing towards two of Terezi's scalemates a couple yards away, "…and sneak up behind her. We'll have to tie her up or something so she can't alert her evil mob crew to our infiltration. Got any rope?"

"No but I'm sure you do for some fucked up reason."

Dave had already taken out a spool of rope from his modus and began slinging it over his back for easy retrieval.

Karkat nodded blankly. "It's a plan, then. On my count—"

"No, dude, you got us this far, it's my turn to—"

"Hey sploogehumper, what the fuck did I say back there? You have to follow me. Ready on my count."

"No that's stupid. I'm the hero of this lifetime movie, I should be the one to lead."

"Fuck being the hero and fuck your movie, I don't give a single voluptuous shit about any of that!"

"Karkat,"

"Have you even experienced a real infiltration mission, let alone guide them to victory? I've led so many, I couldn't even begin to count them all! Oh wait, fuck that, I have! And it's 36 in case the veins beneath your squishy human exterior couldn't handle the suspense. I think it goes beyond safe to say I would have more experience leading infiltrations than you. What the hell did you spend your entire session doing anyway, fucking around with time and shit to earn worthless boonbucks?"

"Karkat, you need to—"

"Reall though, what good was that even for? So what, you earned a lot of abstract currency that is now currently useless? Like it really mattered in the end? What the fuck was the point of that shitty time loop. What did it earn you? Was it all in order to impress some psychotic space chick?"

"Oh my god you really need to shut—"

"But no, by all means, go dance your way over there your glitchy time bullshit to jack those codes and save whatever the hell the UK is, because I—someone who has successfully led 36 fucking infiltration missions—clearly am not intelligent enough to maneuver around a bunch of cotton-stuffed dragons—"

Dave cupped his hands over Karkat's mouth. The troll flailed against him in anger, which prompted Dave to reach behind Karkat's neck and pinch. After a few moments of infuriation, Karkat stopped fighting out of confusion. He tilted his head and arched his eyebrows inquisitively.

"Whuthfuckareyoudoin" Karkat muffled through Dave's hand.

"Don't trolls have that thing that cats have? Like, a pressure point on their necks or something that makes them chill, roll up some catnip and stop flipping the fuck out?"

Karkat noticed Dave's sunglasses had slid down his nose. Dave was now staring at him without anything disrupting his vision, and Karkat realized that this was the first time such a thing had ever happened. His eyes were warm and unusually red. Karkat shook his head, and instinctively looked away from his gaze.

Dave stopped pinching, but his hand remained on Karkat's neck. He dropped his voice down to a whisper. "Listen Doctor, you need to keep quiet. We don't want to let your boss know we're here, and you definitely don't want to alert those guards, do you? They're fucking dragons for Christ's sake. For someone so keen on keeping my mouth shut, you really ought to learn to control yours." He grinned. "I can teach you how to control your mouth later, but for now, let's stick to the mission, alright?"

He meant it as a dickish jive, but Dave noticed Karkat's cheeks flushing with color. He removed the hand he held at the back of the troll's neck, and then removed the one he held against Karkat's mouth. It was slightly wet with saliva. Dave wiped it off on his cape, and repositioned both his hands back into pistol-formation. To his surprise, Karkat didn't shoot back with any sort of retort. He just squatted there silently, behind the potted plant, the pupils of his eyes widened.

After an uncomfortable couple of seconds, Dave asked, "Well? Are you gonna let me lead this one?"

Karkat nodded quickly, snapping out of his stupor. He positioned his hands similarly to Dave.

"Woah, woah dude, you're not holding your gun right."

"Ridiculous. Of course I am asswipe. I'm doing exactly what you're doing."

"No, you're just forming both your hands into a single gun. It doesn't work like that. One hand has to support the gun."

"Well crucify me for never holding a fucking gun. How do I do it?"

"Like this." Dave showed his finger-gun to Karkat by shoving it in his face, causing the troll to stumble backwards slightly.

"Oh wow, thanks! Well that cleared everything right the fuck up."

"Seriously, it's really easy. Just take one of your hands and cup it against the other."

"Does it really matter—"

"Do you want to be a god damn amateur you're entire life jesus this is embarrassing."

Karkat grabbed his right thumb with his left hand. "Like this?"

"Oh my god you're so bad at this. Here—" Dave took his left hand and swatted Karkat's support hand away. He scooted closer to him until their torsos touched. Placing his right arm behind Karkat for support, he took his left hand and positioned it underneath Karkat's right. "See, you have to support the gun, like this, or when you shoot the gun's gonna rear back into your face. This is how real spies do it." After a moment of no response, Dave turned to make sure Karkat was at least trying to pay attention. Karkat appeared motionless, frozen, his pupils fully dilated.

Oh, shit. Dave realized he was being a little bit too friendly with Karkat. I hope he doesn't think I'm hitting on him or anything, fuck. He turned back towards the hand he had perched beneath Karkat's. Does he think I'm hitting on him? He isn't freaking out about it or anything. Wouldn't he freak out about something like that? He noticed that his hand was still in contact with Karkat's, and after a few more lingering seconds he let go. Karkat instantly began trying to copy Dave's hand-pistol. Dave watched the troll fumble with his smaller grey hands until he finally positioned them correctly.

"Like this, asshole?"

"Yeah, see how much more natural that is?"

"Whatever like it really matters. This is a stupid game." He continued to avoid Dave's eyes, but Dave could tell the troll felt accomplished. I can read you like a book you know.

The two regained their action stances and stared-down the two scalemates lying ahead on the floor.

"I'll take out the red one," Dave said, pretending to cock his gun.

"Then that leaves the green one for me." Karkat dramatically cracked his neck.

After Dave counted down, he sprang forward into a roll with Karkat sprinting next to him.

"Pew! Pew!"

"Take that!"

"Bet you didn't see that one coming!"

"Blam!"

Karkat kicked the stuffed scalemates away, and pretended to wipe sweat from his forehead. "That was sure a close call, Mr. Bond. I hope you still have ammo left to take out the boss."

"That's my secret, Doctor. I always have ammo left," Dave cooed as Karkat lowered his eyebrows. "Now, for the codes."

Dave dived behind an empty chair resting next to Rose, but because his socks did not allow for much grip on the cold tiled flooring he slipped clumsily. He played it off as if he had meant to slide over into position, and signaled for Karkat to follow. The troll tripped mockingly over to him. The two had maneuvered themselves around the room so that Rose's back was now faced towards them.

"She'll never see us coming," Dave whispered, grinning.

Rose, of course, was fully aware of the two Knights at this point. They were about as quiet and stealthy as two dolphins swimming through a room full of balloons. Ignoring their tomfoolery, she had continued reading, successfully passing through a few more chapters before her peace was officially disturbed. She dramatically gasped as soon as she felt two fingers jab against the back of her head.

"Oh, no, wvoo cood that be?" She exclaimed in her best Russian accent, genuinely caught off guard at this surprising new development.

"We know you have the codes. Give them up, or my fingers might just slip on this trigger."

Rose lazily placed her hands above her head. "Alvight, you've got me. But, wvoo, oh, wvooever told you that I—Anna Amasova—was in possession of this sequence?"

Karkat pivoted around Rose, his fingers pointed towards her quasi-threateningly. "I did I guess. I'm sorry, boss, but it's for the best."

Rose dropped her jaws wide in an exaggerated gasp. "It vas you? Oh, vat despair! How could I have been so blind? I thought you loved me!"

Karkat dropped his hands to his sides. "Come on, what the fuck."

Dave groaned. "Rose, no, please don't—"

She began to shake and wipe her eyes. "We were going to rule the new world, together! You, and I! Side by side! You vould have been the Bonnie to my American Clyde! How could you betray me like this? What about our six children?"

Karkat's teeth began to clatter. "This woman is crazy! We have no such things!"

"Here! Take the codes! My plans for world domination are spoiled!" She pretended to tear a piece of paper from her tome, handing it to Karkat. "I understand completely. You have found yourself a new lover." She gave the troll a wink. "I have no need to subjugate and enslave the daft and vapid masses now that such woe has entrenched itself in my heart. Take it! Take it and leave me alone with my tears! I only ask of his name, so that I have a target for my next sonnet series."

"Hey, this asshole here isn't my—"

"The names Bond. James Bond." Dave pivoted around Rose so that he stood next to Karkat. "But you aren't in love with the Doctor, you're supposed to try to kill us, okay? Please Rose, just this once can you not ruin everything?"

"But it's true! The Doctor and I have been engaging in sweet, sweet love affairs for quite some time!" Rose tilted her head deviously. "Shall I tell you, in vivid detail, about our first lovemaking experience?"

"Rose, shut the fuck up this isn't funny."

"It was on the beach. It smelled of salt and mildew, and the thunderous roaring of the ocean dizzied our senses into a stupor of innocence and concupiscence. The light of the sun transformed our bodies into silhouettes against the cliffs, crashing into one another like the waves mere inches away from our toes—"

Dave bolted towards the doorway. "I have the codes, lets get out of here, Doctor, before the whole place blows!"

"Right behind you!"

The two fled from Rose's words, skirting the hallways with spins and rolls. They made it back to the common room, collapsing together on the couch in exhaustion. They sat side by side, leaning against an opposing armrest for support.

Karkat let himself breathe for a few seconds before asking, "So, did we accomplish the mission?"

Dave looked towards his hands, then up at Karkat, then down at his hands again. "Doctor, I believe…these aren't the right codes! She tricked us!"

"Dave, please, I can't play this game any longer."

Dave frowned. "How come?"

"Because I'm fucking tired is why."

"Lame." Dave slid his legs onto the couch and rested his feet on Karkat's thighs to distract himself from his disappointment. He pressed his neck into the armchair of the couch and let his cape drape over the side, gazing upward. To Dave's surprise, Karkat did not protest the intrusion of his feet. A sudden self-conscious concern over whether his socks smelled was briefly replaced by the troll's sudden giggle. "What is it this time?"

Karkat turned towards Dave, biting his bottom lip to prevent himself from bursting. "I'm the one who's lame, now?"

"Shut up. You liked it."

"I did not—pfft—it was stupid. I only participated because I felt bad for you after Terezi fled the scene." His body shook as he suppressed his laughter.

"Whatever man. You just don't understand the irony of it."

"Dave,"

"Yeah?"

"Fuck you and you irony."

Dave understood that this jab was friendly. It was rare to witness Karkat enjoying himself—even if the hot blooded troll would have denied that sentiment—so instead of pointing it out, Dave simply smiled and stole a peek at the spectacle from beneath his glasses.

There he was, hunched over, eyes closed and teeth clenched. His lips were pulled ear to ear in a grin, one small grey hand over his mouth and the other clenched in his lap. The longer the troll stifled his amusement, the more he found it amusing, and the harder he shook. Every so often he would cease, but the quietness would only add to the absurdity of it all and the cycle would repeat itself. His cheeks began to flush red from the loss of air, his breathing disrupted.

The longer Karkat tried to stifle his amusement, the harder it was for Dave to look away. Something about it was satisfying. Of course, Dave was well aware his attempt to play secret agent was only a quarter ironic in nature; he mostly genuinely enjoyed messing around and pretending to be someone else for a while. But he did initiate the shenanigans in order to cheer up Terezi. His mission wasn't saving the world, it was her—it was always her. And yet, looking back, Dave never received such a level of amusement to his tomfoolery from her. Although Karkat was, undoubtedly, sadistically enjoying Dave's childish ways, Dave believed that on a deeper level the angry troll had genuinely enjoyed being someone else, too.

Karkat's laugh ebbed into a long sigh and his usual scowl returned. He opened his eyes and stared transfixed at Dave's socks, which were still pressed into his legs. "Your socks are red."

"No shit. Red is kind of my thing."

"No I mean, redder than usual. I think your ankle is bleeding on me."

"Nah."

"No seriously dipshit, you're bleeding. Let me take a look."

"Don't you dare—"

It was too late. Karkat had removed his sock, and proceeded to scrupulously inspect his foot. Dave clenched his body, the sensations uncomfortably and simultaneously enjoyable and painful. The boy had always been incredibly ticklish.

"Ah-ha!" Karkat found the source of Dave's bleeding. "You must have hit it on something when you were jumping around like a raging lunatic."

Dave couldn't control himself out of courtesy any longer. He began to unconsciously and violently kick Karkat away.

"What the fuck, Dave? I'm trying to help you, you worthless sack of ass." He gripped his hands firmly on Dave's ankles in defiance.

"Karkat, please, let go, it hurts!" Giggling, he shot his other foot upwards, his knee squaring Karkat in the jaw.

"Jegus fuck, I know it does, that's why I'm trying to help you dipshit!"

"No, I mean—" He thrashed violently, striving to sit up but failing miserably. Grabbing the trolls arm, he wound up pulling Karkat towards himself and endured an angry hiss. Karkat eventually freed Dave's ankle of his grasp and fell onto the boy's chest, teeth clenched. Dave relaxed with relief. "I'm sorry dude but you were—"

Karkat lifted himself off of Dave. His right hand pressed into the couch, and his left hand pressed and examined the wound Dave had bestowed upon his jaw.

"Oh, shit Karkat, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine. Whatever. I'm leaving." He began to sit up, but Dave grabbed at his sleeve.

"No wait dude, I said I was sorry."

"Fuck off. I was just trying to help. You didn't have to kick me to tell me you didn't want to be licked."

"I kicked you on accident, I'm extremely tickil—excuse me?"

"Extremely what?"

"No, hold up, 'licked'? What do you mean, 'licked'?"

Karkat tilted his head. "Do humans not lick their wounds?"

"Uh, dogs and cats do that shit, not humans."

"So cats do the licking for you? That's quite frankly fucking nasty and actually really abusive"

"Shit, I mean, no, nobody does the licking for anyone but themselves. But humans don't do it ever, that's weird."

"You know, saliva has a lot of healing properties, so it's perfectly natur—"

"Karkat, were you going to lick me?"

Flustered, Karkat began to growl again. "Don't say it like that, you just don't understand the sophistication of troll culture. It is custom to lick the wounds of a friend in places that they, themselves, cannot reach."

"Sure you aren't just into feet?"

"Fuck off."

"What if something like, bites your ass? Is it customary for a friend to give you a friendly ass-licking?"

"Obviously not, you delerious maggotshit. Let me go." Karkat tried once more to pull his sleeve free from Dave's grasp.

"Wait wait wait—does this mean, you see me as a friend?"

"What?"

"You said trolls lick the wounds of their friends?"

"Yes I said that, but—"

"So, are we friends?"

Karkat stopped trying to free himself, and averted his gaze. "I guess so? Why does it matter?"

Dave let go of the sleeve. Karkat didn't move from his position. He was kneeling over Dave uncomfortably, his arms crossing into themselves. Smiling, Dave moved his arms behind his head. "Fine, then go ahead, lick my foot."

"No! Not now! It's too late, and you're making it sound incredibly weird and filthy when you phrase it like that. I have no way of knowing if you're one of those weird humans with a strange attraction towards foot related sexual foreplay."

"But I'm bleeding, Kitkat!"

"Fuck off. I told you not to call me that."

Karkat seemed incredibly uncomfortable, but he didn't reposition himself. His shirt had stretched and fallen over his shoulder on one side, and his hair was even more disheveled than normal. Dave pushed himself up into a sitting position, his legs still stretching outward. He reached out and touched the bruise he had left on Karkat's jawline, which was beginning to darken.

Karkat flinched. "Ouch, that fucking hurts, Dave, don't tou—"

Dave leaned in, his fingers firmly grasping the troll's chin, and slowly licked the darkening wound. As Dave pulled his mouth away, a string of his saliva webbed between them. Dave expected Karkat to wildly flail away, but Karkat remained very still. After a brief confused stalemate, Dave let go and fell back onto the couch with a smug grin. Karkat silently wiped away the slobber.

"So…like that?"

"You did it wrong. First of all, I wasn't bleeding, so it was absolutely useless. Second, you're not supposed to drool all over someone like a sick mutated dog." He continued to wipe the remaining spit onto his sleeve.

"Then how are you supposed to do it?"

"Like a fucking normal person? Jegus!"

"Shit, sorry I'm not as good at this troll thing as, gee, I don't know, trolls?"

Karkat frowned and sighed. "I get it though. You wanted to show me you see me as a friend. I appreciate that. So fuck you, but thanks." He raised the corners of his lips ever so slightly.

Fuck. He was doing it again. He was smiling. Dave was almost certain his action would piss Karkat off into the fifth dimension or something, which would have been fine, but he certainly didn't expect a smile from it all. Fuck. Why the fuck did I do that? Shit. Dave could almost understand how being the source of someone else's smile gave him joy, but he could never even begin to explain the sheer, perplexing excitement and satisfaction he was experiencing having made Karkat smile. Why does he look so damn adorable when he smiles?

Fuck.

FUCK.

"Hey, moron," Karkat had stopped smirking as Dave gawked at him. "I just said 'thank you.' This is where you chime in with either a sincere 'you are most welcome great Karkat,' or some snotty rabid half ironic retort." Karkat was now scowling. Dave found it fascinating just how quickly the troll's contempt could return.

Dave raised his shades, his vision now free from any obstacles or discolorations. "Smile again."

Caught a little of guard by Dave's doffing, Karkat immediately glanced away from Dave's stare. "You must be delusional. I did no such thing."

"Yeah you did. Just do it. Please?"

"It is too late to use such pleasantries, they are clearly wasted on you."

"Karkat, I'm serious here. I need you to smile. I think I—uh—I think I just need to confirm something?"

"Like that you're a persistent asshat?"

Dave noticed Karkat was averting his gaze. "Why are you looking away?"

"I don't know, you wear those ludicrous glasses—for no real reason by the way—all the fucking time. So, in a weird way, it's like you're naked? And I sure as hell don't want to see that, take as much offense as you please."

"I'm pretty sure you've seen them before."

"What? When?"

"Millions of times probably. Didn't you watch me grow up on that creepy computer of yours? I haven't always worn these, and I'm almost certain you're perverted enough to have at least watched me bathe at least three times. But for sake of conversation, I noticed, when when we were behind that plant in the other room, I noticed you looked away there too." He frowned. "Are they really that disgusting to you?" His voice wavered slightly.

"What a ridiculous assumption." Karkat continued to avert Dave's gaze. "Your eyes are fine. Are you really that concerned that they're red?"

"Are you really that concerned that your blood is red? Because I feel like you of all people shouldn't be in a position to judge my crimson insecurities."

"I got over that ages ago." He bit down on his lower lip. "You should too."

"I am over it."

"Then why the fuck—" Out of frustration, Karkat finally shifted his gaze to Dave. His red, piercing stare unnerved him, but he could no longer look away. Karkat's voice slowed to a halt. "—do you still…consider it, a, uh, an insecurity?"

"I don't think this insecurity is something that will ever go away. I mean, I personally can accept it and get over it—yeah, easy, no problem—but it takes a bit longer for me to feel that way about other people, you know? I guess it's like, you've probably accepted that you're some wacky mutant by now, but if someone were to stab you and discover you bleed red, I'm sure you would suddenly snap back into that needy stage of validation. All it takes is one observant prick to point out something you've spent years trying to accept, and you're right back in square numero uno."

Karkat eyes glossed with an old memory, and he nodded. "I guess I understand, although I wouldn't equate being born with red eyes to being polluted by a blood color that literally castes me as undesirable and cullable in my society. But sure. If it makes you feel any better, I have it off a hell of a lot worse than you."

"Oh wow, you sure know how to make me feel like shit. Thanks."

"Shit, sorry, that probably sounded inconsiderate? I didn't mean it like that."

"I'm kidding, obviously. I don't really care too much about my eyes. I just like the shades. They're rad."

"You're a filthy liar and you know it. I hate it when you do that."

Dave raised his eyebrows. "Oh? Do what exactly?"

"When you tell the truth for fucking once, and then freak out because you're being a bit too honest and real. You revert back to this childish way of coping by insisting insincerity. It gets tiresome."

"Who's to say whether or not I'm being sincere but me?"

"And I hate this even more! Deflecting the truth and avoiding any real confrontation with yourself! I'm beginning to understand why Terezi doesn't let you in. You probably beam some kind of false confidence when you dance around her, which only adds to the alienation she feels in her misery."

Dave lowered his shades back over his eyes.

"Make-believe only works for so long, Dave, before people start craving something you could never give: real, heart-to-heart conversation. You're too much of a coward to admit that you're a coward. You want everyone to see you as this strong, daring hero, when in reality you are a scared shitless worm wriggling beneath a canopy of crows. It's only a matter of time before we get fed up with you and—"

"Shut up. Fuck you. You're the shittiest friend I never wanted." Dave sat up rapidly, ready to leave, but his fists were gripping the edge of the couch.

"Fine, go, I don't really give a damn what you do."

Dave found his feet heavy and weighted, gluing him to the floor. He felt nauseous.

"And for the record—" Karkat chimed, as Dave sat motionless, "—I think that make-believe scenario you wanted to play with Terezi was more for you than it was for her. And I think she knows that. Sure, she has some fucked up demons she needs help facing, but since she clearly has no interest in helping you with yours, she could never really fill your red quadrant. It's so painfully obvious, Dave. Just let her go."

Choking back a wave of anxiety, Dave asked, "Then why are you trying to help me?"

"What?"

"Why are you so intent on having this heart-to-heart conversation with me?"

Karkat scoffed uncomfortably. "I'm not. This is more of a knight-to-knight conversation. We're supposed to be the protector class. How can you protect those around you if you don't know how?"

"What do you mean I don't know how?"

"The best way to protect others is to admit that you, yourself, are subject to the same horseshit that others wade knee-deep in everyday. The shit is never ending, Dave. There is an ocean of foul shit out there and here you come along with some kind of irony-fueled steamship trying to 'rescue' as many shit-stained plebeians as you can. But the reality is, the universe is shitty, and most people don't want to stay where it's nice and warm and comfortable. We find comfort in misery, because it is a truth we all share. Except you. And that's why no one can ever really open up to you. That's why you can't save anyone."

"So you're saying I should fuck up these nice duds and go shit-swimming?"

"Yeah, sure, pretty much."

"That's dumb."

"You can't save anyone from afar. You can't reach out to Terezi when she doesn't think you can ever understand what she's going through."

"Then why couldn't you reach out to her?"

Karkat scoffed. "Isn't it obvious? Because I'm drowning in shit and nobody—and I mean, nobody—wants to deal with that."

"Can we cool it with the scat metaphors?"

"Why. You have a problem with bodily excretion?"

"No, but I'm beginning to think that you do."

"Are you fucking listening to me?"

Dave raised his voice in anger. "Yes, I get it. Okay? I'm a horrible Knight and an even worse friend. You really solved that mystery, Doctor, thanks."

"Yes of course, that's exactly what I was saying! Congratulations for disregarding your swollen ego for once in your shallow existence to actually pay the fuck attention to what I was saying. Really, nice job."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying, that if you want to help others, you need to let others help you."

Dave didn't budge, remaining silent.

Karkat relaxed himself, took a deep breath, and put his hand on Dave's shoulder. Sitting next to the boy, he let his knees brush against Dave's thighs. "Dave, I wasn't rolling around as a Russian spy or whatever because I wanted to. I did it because you wanted me to. Because you needed that escape. It's obvious, to apparently everyone but you, that you are incredibly lonely here. If you can't see that, if you refuse to admit your own dissatisfaction with yourself, how can you possibly get others to do the same?"

"I'm not lonely." Dave smirked.

"You see? With that kind of attitude you'll never become a fully realized Knight."

"No really, I'm not. At least, not right now." Dave turned his head at the persistently intrusive troll, shrugging his shoulders. "You're right, Karkat. Of course you're right. I am a coward."

Karkat's eyes widened with disbelief and satisfaction .

"But I'm not lonely. Not when…" Dave swallowed nervously, adjusting his cape. "Not when I'm, uh,"

"When you're what?"

"Okay, I admit, I'm not really good at this whole honesty thing."

"Just fucking say it."

"Err, I, uh, I actually don't know if it'll come across correctly. So never mind."

Karkat's disdainful scowl twisted itself into a smile. "You really are ridiculous. You have the biggest fucking walls I've ever encountered. I got damn close to knocking them down though." He slunk into the couch comfortably and gazed upwards at the ceiling, as if it were as limitless as the night sky. "I'll consider that an accomplishment for today."

Shit. Dave was certain now. Karkat's smile was the most precious thing. It was pure. It was sincere. It was something Dave wasn't, but wanted to be. He failed to suppress a smile of his own at the sight. As Karkat glanced over, Dave held his gaze. For a few moments, the two Knights stared at each other, their smiles slowly fading as a strange realization settled in, as if the air had been drained of its oxygen. Dave found it hard to breathe. He knew the familiar stirrings gushing up inside of him very well. And this time, instead of swallowing and forcing it back down, he let the new emotions take over him. I wonder if I could just…sort of…reach over and…

Karkat was the first to look away. "I should probably go now. Leave you alone to think? I mean, I'm here for you and all, but uh…" He scratched himself anxiously.

"No, I understand. I think I need to be alone too." Dammit. So close.

Karkat stood up hesitantly. He gave Dave a curious glance before walking away.

"Karkat?" Dave called after him.

"Yes?"

"Thank for messing around with me today, for trying to help me. I don't admit it often, but I actually really appreciate it and sort of needed it. You are a much better Knight than I could ever be."

Karkat curved his head towards Dave. "That much is obvious, shitfeathers," he joked.

He spun back towards the doorway to leave while continuing, "But really, it was nothing. I mean, that's what friends are for, right?"

Dave chuckled. "Yeah. I guess. Let's play again sometime, Kitkat."

"I told you never to fucking call me that," Karkat spat back, his voice gradually fading as he exited.

Dave was now alone, staring at the empty doorway. Friends. He plopped onto his side, his cheek pressed onto the couch cushions. He continued staring, blinking, and replaying the day's events in his mind, until he began to feel dizzy.

'Friends'.

He smiled.

I guess I can play make-believe for a little while longer.