Chapter 16: Arrivals

My visit with Alice and Carlisle had been bittersweet. While a part of me was ecstatic that they were back in my life, it only accentuated what was still missing. I couldn't try and put the Cullens in the past - they were here, right here, back in my life in the present. After spending some time out at the pond, I knew what I needed to do.

"Bella!" Jacob yelled. "Isn't it a little late on a school night to be on the phone?"

I snorted. "I should ask you the same thing. Besides, we're still on break."

"You know, I've been waiting and waiting by the phone -"

"You have not!" I laughed softly.

"Okay, er, well, 'by the phone' I meant in my house. But I've been waiting to hear about what really happened in Italy with the old bloo- ... er, vampires that you went to hang out with. I mean, you obviously lived, so that's good, right?"

"Ugh," I groaned, "You have no idea what has happened to me in the past couple of weeks. I guess I should start from the beginning ... wait - did you think I was going to die?! You encouraged me to go!"

"Ah, well, I thought that you'd most likely be fine, really. And it helped you, right? I mean, last I heard, you were training with some meathead vampire dude."

I snorted, but quickly sobered. "Jacob. Let me get this out in order, and don't say anything until I'm done."

"Sounds ominous. Wait - how long is this going to take? Unlike some people, I have school tomorrow."

I sighed. "Okay. You get the abbreviated version. But no complaining. Are you sitting down?"

"Uh, sure ... go for it."

"Let's see ... During a training session, meathead vampire dude kissed me. Alice showed up in Italy. I left Volterra, although the Volturi weren't thrilled about it. Alice showed up in New Hampshire. I went to the Cullens' house and talked to Carlisle. Edward was not there. The end."

"Whaaaaaaaaat? Wait ... wait ... " Jacob sounded dumbfounded. I heard the heavy sound of his body hitting a chair.

"I told you that you should sit."

"I'm sorry - can you repeat that? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I heard you say that you've seen some of the Cullens."

"Uh, ... yeah?" I trailed off, waiting for the freak-out that I was sure would follow.

Jacob was silent for a minute. Finally, I heard a long exhale, "Christ, Bella. How the hell did that happen? Are you okay?" I could hear the worry in his tone. "You're gonna have to give me more detail than that."

"Honestly, I don't know how I feel," I started. "Overwhelmed, mostly."

"And how the hell did Alice find you in Volterra?"

I figured I owed Jacob the full story at this point. "Alice ... well, Alice is clairvoyant."

"Wait ... WHAT? Come on ... really?" Jacob sputtered.

"Yeah, you know, some vampires have gifts. Hers is seeing the future ... kinda. I mean, the future changes all the time, so she only sees snippets, and those can change depending on people's actions. Anyway, she saw me training with the big meathead vampire dude - whose name is Felix, by the way - but she thought I was in an actual fight and was going to be really hurt or die or something, since she couldn't tell that I was a vampire, apparently. So, she flew over to Volterra to save me."

"Hmmm." There was a tiny amount of grudging respect in Jacob's tone. "But wait - if she can see the future, how come she saw this dude, but not all the other crap with Victoria?"

"I haven't figured that out, Jake - even Alice seemed surprised that she hadn't seen it. Anyway, when she got to Italy, things weren't exactly as she thought they would be. We ended up talking for an entire night outside the city. She told me stuff that I didn't know before." I stopped, unsure of how exactly I should continue.

"And ... ?"

"Well, she said that Edward left to protect me, that he still loves me."

"He sure has a funny way of showing it," He said it lightly, but I could hear an undercurrent of anger.

"I know, I know. But, at the same time, maybe I don't know ... you know?"

"That was a lotta 'knows', Bella."

"I kn... nevermind."

Jacob snickered, then quickly sobered. I could tell he was trying to keep things light, but his coiled tension was radiating through the phone line. Jake had been the one to see me at my lowest points; he was the one who had put me back together. I knew his anger and tension stemmed from fear that I would somehow end up back in that horrible place that I existed in after Edward left.

His next words surprised me, though.

"You want me to come up there? Kick some vampire butt? 'Cause I will ... happily."

I smiled. "Aw, Jake, that is ... an amazing thing to offer. But, I'm okay, really. Holding it together."

"You would tell me, though, if you needed me, right? You promise?"

"I promise." I felt a rush of warmth listening to his words.

"Didn't you say you saw Alice again, though? And Carlisle?"

"Yeah, they're actually not far from here. Alice wanted me to come over to their house. Only Carlisle was home. I kinda wanted to see him, too, to talk about Italy and other stuff. Out of all the Cullens, he knows the most about what I've been doing."

"And how was that?"

"It was, I don't know, happy and sad all at once."

"Are you going to see them again?"

"I said I would. But, I don't know ... I think I need a little time to process everything." And it was true. I had finally been starting to feel like I was out from under Edward's shadow, that I wasn't looking for him every time I glanced around, that there wasn't a tiny piece of me that hoped he'd be standing there with that crooked smile on his face, every time I turned a corner. But Alice showed up, and my world had shifted ... again.

"Well, you can call me anytime, okay? And if you need me, just say so. I will always be here for you, okay, Bells?"

"You are the best person in the whole world - you know that, right?"

I could hear his grin. "Of course I know that - I mean, come on!"

I hung up with Jacob not long after, and then realized that it was a good thing I didn't sleep anymore, because there was no way I'd be able to do it now. Instead, I headed to the computer lab, and decided to send a message to Edwin. I had tried to return his books before I left for Volterra, but he had told me that he thought he was being followed, and asked me to hang on to them for a little longer.

Edwin,

I just wanted to check in with you and see if you wanted me to return your stuff. Are you okay? Let me know where I should send everything.

Bella

I then spent about an hour randomly surfing the 'net, since I was up for anything that would help distract me. When I checked my email again, to my surprise, Edwin had written me back almost instantly after I had sent my original email.

Bella,

I'm so glad to hear from you. If you still have that paper you wrote, don't publish it anywhere, okay? I think something bad is happening - someone hacked into my servers, and I think my identity has been compromised. Please, hang on to my stuff - I can't risk trying to get it. I know you'll take care of it. I think the only thing I can do now to protect myself is to go public - I'm trying to get a news outlet to pick up my story. I'm switching email accounts right now, so I'll email you soon from my new one. And don't worry, I cleaned your previous emails from my system, so you should be safe.

E.

I looked at the browser window in disbelief. Oh no. I didn't know anything about hacking, but I thought it didn't really sound like something the Volturi themselves would do. Maybe another vampire had stumbled across Edwin's site? However, if Edwin was trying to get his story published, that was incredibly dangerous. Now worried, I decided that I should email him back and tell him not to do it, but to my shock, my email bounced. Holy hell, that was fast. I guess I was now cut off until he contacted me again. I hoped he would be okay. One more thing to worry about. I couldn't imagine how things could get much more complicated than this. I needed school to start, pronto, so I could have something else to focus on. Thankfully, break was just about over.

...

It was the end of the first day of classes, and I was stuck somewhere between mental exhaustion and culture shock. I had only had two classes that day, the one bright spot finding that Matt was in my Abnormal Psychology lecture class. I was having such a hard time focusing, though, as I kept thinking back to Volterra, Edwin, Felix, Victoria, Alice, Carlisle, ... Edward. I know freshman year is supposed to be tough, but come on!

I had originally intended to go for a run to try and clear my head, but I was sitting outside instead, sheltered by the corner of my dorm, waiting just a little longer until it got too dark for others to see me slip into the woods. Or, so I told myself. In reality, I knew there was an equally strong chance I would just remain there, staring into space. The late afternoon was bleeding into a peaceful evening - there were patches of snow on the ground, but spring was beginning to assert itself. I could hear the twittering of birds just through the trees, the distant laughter of other students, and smiled at the hush of oncoming twilight.

Then, around the corner of the dorm, I saw him.

Edward.

I bolted to my feet, then froze. After a moment, I slowly backed up until I was virtually out of sight, but so I could still see him by peeking around the corner of the building. So many thoughts, so many emotions were coursing through me that I couldn't otherwise move, couldn't react. Was he real? Maybe this was some sort of hallucination that I was having. Never mind that my vision was a thousand times better than it had ever been. What was he doing here? He hadn't spotted me, but instead was walking in an unassuming, relaxed manner towards the trees. In a moment, he would be lost in their deepening shadows. Even though I could only see him in profile, I marveled at his beauty. I truly had never seen him before this. As I watched his graceful walk that turned the heads of the students he passed, something in me clicked into place. And with that alignment, the floodgates of emotion opened: all the sorrow, all the anger, all the frustration that my weak human shell had not been able to handle. I realized in that moment that since that fateful day in the woods, when Edward left and shattered my life, I hadn't felt anything - not really, not like this. Even the pain of my transformation was nothing compared to this. It took all of my self-control not to make a sound. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, whipped by a tornado from black-and-white to bright Technicolor.

He was almost at the trees. He's going to leave. It was an oddly lucid thought. He must still not be able to hear my thoughts, either; otherwise, the torrent of emotion overflowing my brain would have blazed like the sun.

Ironically, I was so focused on him, locked on to his form, using my new superior senses to memorize every new detail that I could discern, that I did not hear Matt approach me from behind.

"Bella? What are you doing? Are you hiding?!" When I didn't react, he took a few steps closer. "EARTH TO BELLA!" he said loudly, in a voice laced with laughter.

Several things happened at once. Edward froze. I snapped my head around to look at Matt, and when I returned my gaze back to Edward a half-second later, he was staring at me, an unreadable expression on his face. I wasn't ready for this. I turned to Matt quickly, "Sorry, Matt, I'm late to meet someone."

Matt was looking over my shoulder with a wary expression. "Uh, do you know that guy?"

"What guy?" I replied anxiously, my eyes locked on Matt, feeling more and more like an animal in a trap.

"The one who looks all kinds of crazy, and is coming over here."

"Uh - I gotta go!" I yelped, and took off at human speed until I broke eye-line with Matt, then I ran full out, not caring if anyone noticed a blur; hopefully, they most likely would attribute to a trick of the light. I was careful to keep several buildings in between myself and where I had last seen Edward. I ran a good twenty miles into the forest, still knowing that he could track me if he wanted to.

My head was reeling. The axis of my existence had just tilted again. If I were human, I probably would have thrown up. Instead, all pretenses of coherency gone, I sat down, stunned, as all the pain from the last year slammed back into me.

"Bella?" The word was quiet, hesitant, ... afraid, even.

I looked up to see Edward standing about ten yards away, shock evident on his face.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered. I couldn't seem to force any more air out of my lungs.

"I came home yesterday and Alice was acting really strangely, and I caught a glimpse of the campus in her mind. She wouldn't talk about it, but I knew I had to come." He paused, "Oh god, Bella, what happened to you?"

A new sound rose uncontrolled from my chest. I realized it was slightly hysterical laughter.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I had never felt so out of control, even in my first days as a newborn. However, my wildly shifting emotions were rapidly coalescing into incandescent rage. "WHAT does it LOOK LIKE?" Apparently, I was capable of yelling.

Edward remained frozen in place, his eyes wide. "Bella, oh god, why didn't Alice tell me?" he whispered.

"I told her not to." I spat out. Grief was struggling to overpower my rage; I clamped down on it.

"Oh, Bella," Edward said brokenly, taking several careful steps toward me, hand outstretched.

I tensed, and he froze again. I was still on my knees. I did not look up. "Do you have any idea what happened to me? Did you ever bother to check?" I whispered, intently focused on the shifting rainbows of green within the blades of grass in front of me, droplets of melting snow clinging to their tips.

"I - " he paused. Hesitantly, he started again, "Please, tell me."

My voice was still quiet, but steady. "You destroyed me when you left. You took everything that was good and beautiful and right and ripped it from me. I know that human memories are supposed to be hazy, but there is no amount of time, no change that could mute that experience. Even if you didn't love me anymore, how could you be so cruel?"

"Didn't -?" he choked out.

"And then" I continued, slightly louder, "once Charlie decided that I didn't need to be hospitalized, when I was finally able to go through the motions of living - eat, go to school, do homework, apply to college, sleep - well, maybe not that last one, Victoria came back."

"She -"

"I. am. not. done." I looked at him now, unprepared for the wild stream of emotions pouring across his face as he reacted to my words. More than that, I was unprepared for the ache building inside of me. I knew that I had never stopped loving Edward, that I would never stop, in however many countless days that I had left. I unflinchingly met his gaze. "She came back and attacked me. The wolves drove her off before she could finish the job."

His eyes were wide with horror, and I held up a hand to forestall him before he could open his mouth.

"Yes, the Quileutes. They stopped Victoria, and ran her off. They guarded me for three days during my change. They taught me to hunt, they kept me from hurting any humans. They became my family."

"Bella," he whispered, "this doesn't even begin to cover it, but I am so sorry, so very sorry. This is all my fault."

My voice was rapidly gaining volume. "You're sorry? You didn't want me anymore, Edward, or have you forgotten? You LEFT, your family left without a goodbye." I ended with a barely-audible whisper, "You didn't even know it, but you took me with you, too."

His face was stricken, sick. He spoke low and rapidly, "I thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought I was saving you, allowing you to live a normal human life."

The powder keg that my emotions had become finally ignited. I wanted to punch something. "Who do you think you are? My DAD? GOD? At what point did you decide that what I want, that my control over my own life, was worthless?"

"You couldn't see correctly, like you said, you were "dazzled" by me, you didn't know what you were asking for," he continued, insistent.

"Yes. I did." I countered firmly. "And I say that will full knowledge of what I am now. Edward," I sighed, suddenly tired. "I wanted this. I'm okay with this," I gestured at myself. "I'm okay with this lifestyle, with immortality. I am not damned. What I am NOT okay with is the fact you left me alone." Finally, I couldn't keep my sorrow from breaking through. "I was supposed to do this with you - but you left me to face it alone. Why couldn't you trust me?"

Edward was shaking, with what emotion, I wasn't sure. I was breathing slowly and deeply, the knot of tension inside me unraveling at finally being able to say all of this out loud, to his face.

"I will kill Victoria," I heard him mutter to himself.

"You're too late." I said flatly, standing up. "I already did."

He looked absolutely floored.

"You know, it's ironic," I continued, as I brushed the grass off my jeans, "but the wolves treated me as an equal. They helped track and trap Victoria. And then they let me kill her."

His expression was frozen again, shocked.

I stood there for a moment, reflexively taking a deep breath. I was so mentally drained at this point, I wasn't sure I could talk any more. I looked at Edward, again memorizing the perfect planes of his face, the curve of his smooth lips, the way his bronze hair was ruffled by the slight breeze. A lance of pain speared through my heart.

And I turned and walked away.

...

What are you doing?! Part of my mind was screaming at me, He's back, he's here! Don't let him leave again! But I kept walking, at human speed, taking a moment to appreciate the glimpses of stars that had emerged through the tree branches above, the way the light from the rising moon glinted brightly off the leaves. The night was quiet, although I could hear a nightingale's sweet trilling some distance away, and the even more distant hoot of an owl, and squeaks of things moving through the undergrowth. The air was fresh and clean: slightly damp, like fresh-turned earth, with a hint of pine and that green smell that comes from living things.

As I stepped over the knotted roots of an ancient maple, something smooth and soft and almost warm carefully grabbed my hand, pulling me gently around.

Edward was silent, the ghost of grief on his face, his eyes burning with that strange intensity that had haunted my dreams while I was still a human. I looked up at him, my back now pressed against the tree trunk. His other hand moved up to gently touch my face, cupping it slightly while he ran his thumb over my cheekbone, over my lips. His eyes moved over my face non-stop, taking in every feature, every detail, every nuance. The well of fury that had sustained me up to this point was gone, replaced with an aching sorrow.

"Don't." My voice broke slightly.

His hand froze, but did not leave my face. "Don't what?" he replied quietly.

"Don't you dare pity me."

"Bella," he sighed, "I don't pity you ... I love you. I have always loved you."

And with that, his mouth was on mine. Electricity shot up my spine, and Edward stepped into me, deepening the kiss. My mind shut off completely, and for a blinding instant, there was nothing in the world except the two of us. My heart shattered and re-formed, now held together by a thin thread of hope.

A moment later, though, I broke it off, pushing Edward back slightly. He looked at me in confusion and possibly fear.

"Edward, stop. I can't do this." The fact that I was echoing what I had said to Felix before leaving Volterra was not lost on me. "You can't just show up and expect everything to be okay. I'm not okay."

"Bella ..." He trailed off, at a loss for words.

"I need," I paused, "a moment. Several moments."

Edward reluctantly took a half-step back, but kept hold of my hand. I shook my head slowly from side-to-side, feeling like this must be a dream. Even with that kiss, Edward's abrupt reappearance in my life, after everything, seemed like it had to be fantasy, that it would slip away in an instant, like every other dream of him that I had. I reached out and touched his face. He stood absolutely still, as if the smallest movement might scare me off. For a precarious moment, I simply marveled at the smoothness of his cheek; I traced a line along his bottom lip. His eyes were scorching, but he still did not move. As I trailed my hand up to cup the side of his face, he exhaled softly and closed his eyes, leaning slightly into my palm. It was then that I noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the exhaustion underlying his countenance.

"I want ..." I said softly.

His eyes opened. "Anything. I will give you anything. Just, please," his voice fell to a whisper, "give me another chance."

The pain in my chest was changing, as if the rift that had been there for so long was slowly knitting together, leaving tender scar tissue in its wake.

"I want to take this slowly," I said. "I understand a little better now why you left, but you destroyed my trust, destroyed me. I can't just go back to the way things were ... I'm not that Bella anymore."

The gleam of hope in his expression made my heart twinge just a little. "Whoever you are, you will always be my Bella," he said with an air of determination. "But I can do slow. Just promise that you'll give me a chance."

I shook my head somewhat ruefully, saying quietly, "When have I ever denied you anything?"

Edward pulled me forward into a hug, and after a moment, I relaxed into him. We stood there for what seemed like a lifetime, the sounds of the forest slowly enveloping us. Finally, I looked up, raising a hand to gently trace under his eyes.

"You need to hunt."

"I know. I thought I would once I got home. I just ... after Alice's vision ... I had this overwhelming sense of urgency that I had to get here."

"You should go do it now." His arms tightened around me reflexively. "You can come back," I continued, as a small sigh of relief escaped him.

"Can I see you later tonight?"

"Tomorrow," I responded.

I could see the control it took for him not to argue. "Tomorrow," he echoed. He sounded unhappy, but resigned.

"No cheating, either ... this time if you're outside my window, I'll know it." I gave him a half-smile. "I'll be done with class at 3pm, okay?"

I stretched up to brush my lips against his cheek, pausing a moment to drink in his nearness. Then, before I could change my mind, I turned and started running back towards the dorm. I glanced back once, to see Edward standing in the same place, the intensity of his gaze making me shiver. I gave a small wave, and was gone.