Not So Tough After All

You call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here cause I remember it all too well.

The late afternoon started with the sound of thunder rumbling overhead. Most days, she experienced grey clouds that loomed violently over the cabin and harsh rains that nearly tore her shelter apart. Despite her dislike for such casualties, she favored those than the familiar thunder that indicated the arrival of a particular deity.

Hera sighed out of contempt – knowing that this day would come, and foolish enough to think that no one would find her. Any god that particularly favored the notion of knowing her personally knew exactly where to find her should she decide to cover.

But despite the little lot that knew of her personally, there's only one god who would know her exact location.

"What do you think you're doing?" A familiar voice boomed, causing her to jump in surprise. Hera turned, only to meet his dark, stormy grey eyes dreaded with anger and deceit. Normally, one would tremble under such a gaze. But she certainly knew better. She returned the look with a frown that was, much to her own surprise, now a permanent mark on her face.

"Hiding. Have you any other ideas on what I'm doing?" Hera spat as she walked past him, moving over to the burning hearth. "In case you haven't noticed, the entire pantheon is enraged with my little... exchange of leaders."

"That's not a reason to leave Olympus without telling me." Zeus grumbled, crossing his arms on his chest. "What if Porphyrion captured you again?"

"That giant would be crumbling before he could even land a repulsive finger on me." Hera responded roughly as she poked at the burning woods of the hearth. "But better him visiting me than you, I always say."

"You're being childish, Hera." Zeus groaned, and a little smile graced the queen's lips upon hearing his frustration. "Stop this nonsense and come back to Olympus."

A sarcastic laugh escaped her lips as she turned to examine him this time. Despite the condition that she's heard of regarding Olympus, Zeus definitely knew how to suit up when necessary. He still wore the same pinstriped suit she picked out for him once the modernity of the Western civilization came to light. And while images portrayed him with a large beard and unkempt hair, his true form was that of a male model with a lot more muscle and less female-looking attributes. There were stress lines on his forehead, possibly from the amount of time stopping childish fights between his Olympus-knows-how-many-children. At the sight, she fought the urge to kiss those stress lines away. Gazing at him had caused a familiar distraction, and she left the trance as easily as she had entered it.

"Are you really sure they want me back there?" She asked as she rose from where she knelt. "After all the profanities they threw at me? They all think what I did was to gain attention, when in fact, I have been doing it for the sake of bringing our families together. If they can't see past that, then no thank you."

Hera sighed. She had no intention of going back there. It would, however, be a great deal just to see how wrong the gods were. The Olympians thought that uniting Greeks and Romans was a task more impossible than Hercules's twelve labors. Given, it did seem to look that way under normal circumstances – but if they could just see the light at the end of the tunnel, they wouldn't even be second-guessing the idea in the first place.

The one thing the gods thought impossible was the one thing Gaea suspected they wouldn't do. But Hera didn't live more than a thousand years not to do the impossible. She was the queen and the mother who was known to be one of the strategic goddesses, despite what history has passed. But no, not even Athena had thought of that. It would appear that the Olympians merely wished to bask at the destiny that the fates would give them.

Zeus shook his head as he rubbed his temples in frustration. No matter how much she hated Zeus for... well, basically everything, it pained her in the slightest to see him like this. The slightest. "You're being very difficult right now."

"That makes more than one of us." Hera muttered as she sauntered towards the kitchen where she began to take out ingredients from a magical refrigerator Hephaestus built for her. She immediately regretted not getting enough food before leaving Olympus, but who's to say she didn't know – a mother, of all things – how to cook her own meals?

"What was that?" Zeus snapped at her as he followed her into the kitchen.

"Zeus, if you're just here to exchange pointless banters with me, I suggest you leave. There's not even an iota of a chance of you convincing me to go back." Hera replied incoherently as she grabbed some tomatoes and carrots from the fridge. "I am queen, henceforth, I will return at my own discretion."

"And I am king. Henceforth, if I cannot convince my queen, I shall then stay with you till' you're driven mad to come back." Zeus proclaimed, causing Hera to glare at him. Much to her surprise, a playful smirk graced his prominent lips.

"What do you mean you're staying?" Hera asked, obviously petrified.

"I'm not leaving until you come back with me." Zeus said simply.

Hera rolled her eyes. "Look who's being childish."

Zeus looked as if he was ready to say a nasty remark, but he decided otherwise by pressing his lips in a straight line. "Just go and start making dinner."

Before Hera could reply, he had already left and made himself comfortable in the mini living room. The queen fumed and muttered insults under her breath. Every time her grunts about how incompetent of a husband Zeus was, he'd yell out that he heard it. She chopped the vegetables rather furiously, and she could have sworn she felt Demeter's glare from stories high above.

This small cabin was one of her only refuges when she wanted to be away from the gods-awful Olympus graced with so much drama and half-witted arguments. Now that Zeus found it, she had to find a new one, in case she does escape the next time. Her husband was annoying, if not a pain in the rear. Because no matter the amount of convincing him to leave, the god was as stubborn as she – at least, that's what makes them the right deity for each other under Eros's eyes.

With a frustrated sigh, she continued cooking dinner, which was supposedly only for one, but she doubled it because of Zeus. Perhaps she would go back to Olympus tomorrow. At least there, he wouldn't bother her and she wouldn't be getting this sort of face to face moment with him.

"Why did you come here?" Hera asked aloud as she did the finishing touches on the roast beef. Even though the answer was obvious, she needed an explanation. Was she needed in Olympus? To do what, exactly? Not that she was that useful to them. They've made that perfectly clear when she screwed up the Greek-Roman fiasco with the camps and the exchange of leaders. She was only the bitter, heartless queen who everybody hated. So what's with all the trouble of forcing her to go back?

"Like I said, I need to take you back." Zeus answered above the minimum noise of the television, as if the question Hera had asked was that of a child's.

"For what? I thought you have everything under control there." Hera washed her hands at the sink before she began to prepare the table. From the little window just beside the microwave, she saw how dusk was slow. It would have been a sight to ponder over if she wasn't so preoccupied with an uninvited guest.

"It's not that easy." She could have sworn she heard his voice almost break.

"Nobody said it was easy ruling Olympus." Hera commented as she placed the last plate on the table. "Dinner's ready."

Zeus entered the kitchen in a matter of seconds before taking a seat adjacent to her's. As she poured garnishes of her salad on her plate, she studied his face. Although he still had that proud, handsome feature; he looked beat up, if not spent. No matter how much she hated him and no matter how much of an unfaithful bastard he was, she wasn't an idiot to press any more pressure on him when he looks exactly like someone who was fortunate enough to escape Tartarus.

"Yes, well, it's not that easy without you." Zeus admitted as he went on to take a slice of the roast beef.

Hera nearly choked on her salad. It was rare to hear Zeus admit anything good about her. Moreover admit that anything doesn't exactly go well without her. She very rarely wounded his pride as he does with her. They were like two candles unwilling to go out without the other taking down their defenses. But if Zeus was willing to admit his desperation, then conditions in Olympus were clearly at a near apocalyptic-end.

"You're the brain of all this... Greek-Roman charade. I'm not exactly sure how this will result. You never really had the weakness to tell me your unexpected plan." Zeus shook his head before looking at her. "If this is about Jason..."

"Don't." Hera pressed bitterly before swallowing her salad. "It's bad enough I'm trying to fix this problem. I don't need to hear about any of your... other children."

With that remark, they finally ate in silence.

During the first three hundred (yes, three hundred) years of their marriage, dinner together was a bliss. They'd often light a candle in the middle of the table and talk of pointless little things that made them happy. Dinner was the core of their marriage, apart from their children. It was a time where she always felt free to open up to him. She felt no shame crying until he brought her to bed to make her feel better. He used to listen before. But those years were long gone and this was the now. It's impossible to have those years back, much less attempt it by brute force.

After dinner, Hera immediately went to bed. Zeus, thankfully, was smart enough to sleep on the couch. They haven't slept together in a while. Ever since she found out that Zeus broke his pact about not having any more demigod children, their relationship just went from the Underworld to the depths of Tartarus. There was simply no hope in developing their relationship any further. They considered marriage counseling, but that would be far more embarrassing than Zeus siring another child.

Alas, they are as they always have been. Just like a typical, bantering mortal couple.

Hera was already broken, inside and out. She didn't need him to make it worst. With that thought in mind, she pulled up her body in a fetal position. For the first time since Porphyrion's kidnap, she cried.

It was an empty feeling to cry. Crying was not something she often did in public, but it sure was something she does when she's alone. Crying was a sign of weakness and being queen, showing weakness means she's not the right goddess to rule beside Zeus; the unbreakable rock that often feels nothing at all. But crying had helped her dealt with the undeniable pain that she and the gods have been causing her. It was the only thing that lessened the burden of being Hera.

Moments later, her tears dried and her cheeks sored from all the sobbing. In the finality of her cries, it was worth it. At least she knew that she wasn't as proud as most people think she is. Even though she was dreaded as the iron queen of Olympus... she wasn't as tough as she thought she was.

Her cry was the most deafening sound. Oftentimes, she'd cry in silence upon having a nightmare. But this nightmare almost killed her. Almost. Hera was back in the Wolf House where she had been trapped a few years ago. But during that time in her dream, she wasn't trapped. She was trying to find an exit. Her powers had weakened by that time and no demigods were there to save her. Porphyrion had risen and he hovered over her, his entire physique larger than that of the other giants. Fear coursed through her as he grabbed her and eventually, began to abuse her – similar to what Zeus had done to her until she was forced to marry him.

The dream felt real. It was like reliving the months trapped with no help. But this time, the situation was worst. No other pain could succumb to whatever Porphyrion had done to her in it. Hera hadn't realized that whilst her heaves of heavy breaths, Zeus was already holding her in his arms.

Not even caring about the fact that he was seeing her weep, she sobbed into his chest. Her breaths grew heavier as she tried to release the pain from the dream that felt so real. The aftershock of being kidnapped was bad enough, what more of dreams that constantly haunt her? Ever since she was released by the three demigods, she had nightmares about that place. It was mentally tearing her apart.

Zeus shushed her softly as he caressed her back. "It's okay, Hera. I'm here."

Hera shook her head against his chest, her voice stifling. "I-It's not going to be okay. As long as that monster lives, none of this is going to be okay."

"Porphyrion?" Zeus asked and Hera wanted to punch him for being so obtuse. Instead, she simply nodded and clung to him tighter. He sighed before kissing the crown of Hera's hair. "He's gone. He's not going to hurt you again."

"How are you even sure of that?" Hera's voice was laced with fear and discernment. For the first time since the countless years she's been with Zeus, she was finally breaking in front of him. At least he knows what she looked like torn apart, humiliated by the essence of a simple memory.

"How are you sure that he's not going to take me again and use me like a rag doll? Zeus..." She sniffed, balling her fist against his now damp polo shirt. "I'm scared. I feel like a ghost, walking endlessly into a void of the moment's aftermath, and I can't wake up. I'm not as tough as you think I am."

"I know you're not." Zeus whispered, gently cupping her chin so that she can look up to him. Of course he knew. Because if there was one person who thought that Hera was possible of weakness, it was him… only him. "How long have you been bottling all of this?"

"Longer than you can imagine." Hera laughed sadly, shaking her head in the process. "I just... I knew you wouldn't listen to me. That no matter how much I tried to tell you, you wouldn't understand because you don't care. I thought it best to keep it to myself... to keep these fears bottled up. It never worked out for me."

"I don't care?" He asked, pained by the accusation. He let his thumb wipe her tears, catching the droplets that were attempting to slip down her cheeks. "Hera, you don't often see it in hindsight, but I have always cared. I'm not as heartless as you think I am."

"When was the last time you asked how my day was?" Her voice was so lithe and small in the dark of the night, he hardly heard it. "When was the last time we talked nonsense out of nowhere and come to enjoy it? If I force myself to recall, it's been centuries, perhaps thousands of them since we've done so. What changed?"

"We changed." He answered, staring into her warm, chocolate eyes that were beginning to cloud with redness due to her crying. "If people change, so do we, Hera. I know it's not the best reason, but it's the only obvious thing. I understand this isn't the life you had hoped for but... it's all we are."

Hera didn't know how to respond, not after that admittance. They were screwed up. No, they were fucked up. Despite the profanity, everyone would still think it. They were so trapped in their own minds; they hardly felt the need to let each other in.

"What did he do to you?" He asked after what seems to be a silence that she found rather… comforting.

The queen shook her head as she bit her bottom lip. "Zeus, I…"

She immediately read the fear in his eyes once she looked up to him. "What did that bastard do to you, Hera?"

If only he knew. But perhaps it was high time to rid of her pride and just tell him. Would it kill her to tell him the truth? Quite emotionally, it would. But would it be worth dying for? Then certainly, only if it meant opening Zeus up to the horrible truth.

"He raped me." Came her reply.

Thunder shook from above.

Hera could feel the electricity hum against Zeus's hold, and when she searched his grey eyes – he sent her a look so rarely… so rarely graced by the king of the gods. It was the look of defeat. It was the look that she wanted him to give her the minute she came back after her kidnap. It was the look that indicated the destruction of his defenses.

"Oh, Hera…" His voice wavered, grey eyes still unblinking with alternating emotions: grief, anger and regret. He carefully took her face in his hands, staring at her with what looked like years' worth of kept weakness. "Hera, if I had known I…"

This time, he was panicking. He looked so lost, so defenseless after she had told him. He let go of her, almost afraid that he had done the same thing to her. Which is something he, historically, did – but it was a much more naïve time. This time, it was far more volatile than what he had done to her.

"You will never forgive me." He told her, realizing it all of a sudden with panicked eyes. "By tartarus, you can't even look at me."

"You didn't do it." This time, she felt the need to be strong for him. He's held out so much for her, she hadn't realized it was more than she hadn't thought. "You aren't him."

"I could have stopped him." He muttered to himself as he ran his hands out of frustration through his hair, tousling it into a heap of mess. "If I had just…"

"Were you looking for me?" She asked in a small voice. Her tears have halted and all that was left of her were sore, red eyes and a trembling need to hold her husband.

"Of course I was looking for you!" Zeus exclaimed, his voice cracking at the last word. Thunder shook from above as the first drops of rain began to fall. "Hera, it was beyond my power. The fates stopped me the minute they found out I was searching for you. They told me that it wasn't my destiny. By the gods, I even argued with them and you know how they are when someone goes against their word."

This was news, even for her. "But… what happened after you stopped looking for me?"

"Mad." The king shook his head, laughing humorlessly at himself before finally reaching out to her and holding her gaze. "I went mad."

"Zeus..." Hera whispered hoarsely as she wrapped her arms around him, holding onto him for dear life.

"Hera, forgive me." Zeus begged as he leaned his forehead against hers, his lips just a breath away from her plump ones. "It was never my intention to fail you. I tried… I tried so hard but I couldn't. I just couldn't—"

He was immediately silenced when she placed a finger against his lips. "I forgive you. Despite everything, I will always forgive you. But you need to promise me one thing."

"Anything." He answered quickly, sounding so desperate to give her everything. Tartarus, he could give her the world and literally so, he's already done it before.

"Don't dwell on my pain." She whispered to him as the rain outside rang louder while thunder and lightning collided like forces that can only be controlled by two beings. "Be strong for me. I have endured, and the last thing I need is your pity. I need you to be my rock, Zeus. Don't take me as a fragile being. Take me as your wife. I may not be so tough, but the last thing I want for you is endless pain."

"Let me have your pain, Hera." He insisted as he cupped her chin. "I can take it, as long as it means having a piece of you with me."

They spent the night conversing about things that they haven't told each other in years.

Gradually, their shared pain subsided upon the admission of light laughter and hints of quirked smiles that generated every once in a while. His words warmed and calmed her, causing her to relax for the first time in a long time.

She temporarily got rid of the pain.

This pain, this undeniably, excruciatingly inevitable pain has brought her to dangerous extremes. And despite being a goddess, immortality was never the pill to that kind of pain. The pain that's conquered by fear.

Fear of what's to come of forever.

Fear of loss.

Fear of being taken away.

Fear of anger.

But most importantly, fear of love.

Hera was not the kind of goddess to actually love. Perhaps her love is in a form of one's being family-oriented, but her love for Zeus had grown beyond blood. She loved him as a friend and companion. But most all, she loved him as her husband.

We can never tell when Zeus will finally end his proclivity of sleeping with other women and we can never tell when the end really is. But if there was one thing Hera learned in the countless millenniums of being married to Zeus is that she can never, not even once, give up on him.

And hopefully, as the dawn approaches and the horizon lights with the rising of the sun that day, so will her husband.

To Télos

Don't you think I was too young to be missed with? The girl with the dress cried the whole way home.