A/N: okay so this probably needs a lot of editting and I know it's short bit a lot of people have said they wanted me to continue this sooo here's more. I'm actually very happy with this chapter. I think it covered a lot of feelings I've been having trouble getting across in the last chapters. Any way. Sorry it was such a long wait. I have not given up just yet. Let me know what you guys think :)

The datapad fell from her fingers, hands reaching to grasp at the short strands of her hair. She though that maybe hearing his voice would help, seeing his face... All it did was make her hate herself more. It made her wish she were dead, that she were with Thane, that she could feel his arms around her and hear his rumbling voice in her ear as cool breath washed over her neck.

Another broken whine escaped her as she realized this was never going to happen.

Because, surely, if there were an after life, if there were a God, she would be dead. They would take mercy on her and she would be dead.

There was no God, because he was dead and she was alive.

And it wasn't fair.

Broken sobs escaped her chest, her fingers only gripping tighter at her hair, almost pulling the strands out from their roots. The pain felt real, because she was real and it was all so utterly and completely wrong. She could feel her lips moving, making words, though she wasn't sure of what they were or if they had any meaning. Just existing was hard enough - making sense of things was hardly high up on her agenda. Even breathing was unfair, and she wished she could stop, but her lungs wouldn't allow it, raking gasp after gasp through her airway as she cried. She thought maybe she was getting better, that maybe she could accept living.

That maybe had gone out the window the second she had heard his voice.

She could've been crying for seconds or years when she felt the bed next to her dip and a tentative hand touch her shoulder. She tried to ignore it, pretend it wasn't real. Maybe if she pretended it wasn't real, it would go away. "Shepard," a soft voice said beside her. She didn't acknowledge it, instead shifting to bury her face farther into her knees, her hands in her hair coming up to wrap around her head, as if protecting herself from falling debris. She still cried, though the bonewracking sobs had faded to something closer to pathetic whimpers as she tried to blot out the world. The voice said her name again, the hand on her shoulder tightened.

"Look," the voice said. Joker, her mind supplied. It was Joker. "I know that this is hard. Hell, I came here to yell at you because... Well, fuck, Cadi I am mad. I can't believe that you would kill her, that you didn't think about me... but when I came in here, and I saw you watching him, I realized something. You didn't kill EDI. You didn't even kill the Reapers. You killed yourself. Fuck, I didn't even realize it... but..." He let out a shaky laugh, and Shepard was sure he was scratching at that stupid beard he refused to shave. "You... you did it all for them, for those people out there. You know, the ones who are alive... and none of them realize the sacrifices you had to make, the part of yourself that you had to lose, the absolute pain that just existing costed, even if you were - are - a hero. They only know Shepard: Hero of the Universe. They never even thought about Cadi: the Girl." There was a silence, where Shepard absorbed his words and he gathered more of them.

"Cadi," he said quietly. "I never even stopped to think about you. I never stopped to think about the fact that you had feelings or wants or that you could be hurt... and I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of me, but I was just like them, Shep. The Great Commander Shepard. What could ever hurt her?" There was another sigh. "I just realized that anything... anything can hurt you. You're human. It took me a long time to see that."

Shepard finally raised her head at this, meeting the emerald eyes of her ship's captain. They were red rimmed and tired, completely humorless, and it cut something deep inside her to see him like that. She opened her mouth to reassure him, to let him know that everything was fine, but he cut her off.

"Don't, Shepard," he said firmly, a small smile gracing his face. His eyes remained dull. "Don't you dare pretend its all okay."

Shepard felt something inside her break at his words, and suddenly she was sobbing again. She tried her hardest to choke out words, to tell Joker that it hurt, that she hated it, that she wanted it to be over. She's still unsure how much of it was coherent. What she does remember is Joker's arms circling around her, holding her as violent tremors rocked her body and she cried until her tears ran dry. She remembers soft hands rubbing her back and combing through her hair, and meaningless words of comfort whispered in her ear. She remembers Joker taking the data pad and hiding it away in a drawer, and flipping down the picture on the bedside table so she no longer saw Thane's face.

She remembers being with a friend, someone who cared and understood.

And she remembers soft lips on her hair before she fell back into oblivion.