It's been like 9 thousand years (or a few months) since I wrote anything, so I'm sure I'm pretty rusty. But this season is giving me major feels, so here you go.
Technically my second story for this couple, which means I'm still feeling it all out. Let me know what you think! :)

i.

Memory is a funny thing.

It's not like a switch is flipped, or like she opens her eyes and suddenly she's someone else. It's more like shifting puzzle pieces, sliding around in her head and revealing new information.

She wakes up in a field with a headache and a funny taste in her mouth.

Imaginary tequila, kids. Drink responsibly.

Someone touches her hand, strokes her neck. She opens her eyes and looks into a face that seems so familiar, and yet she just can't put a name to it. She lets the man help her up, and her eyes drift to the armed company behind him.

It's like being stuck in a room full of people you've run into at the gas station or at the library; they all look so familiar, but something's blocking her and she can't say why.

The man reaches out, touches her cheek, tucks her hair behind her ear. It should feel uncomfortably intimate, especially in front of this clearly angry crowd, but all she wants to do is feel his skin on hers again.

"You made it." He sounds relieved, like this is all he's been waiting for. Another piece shifts and she almost wants to cry.

Nathan, god that's it. Nathan and Duke, too, they looked for her and they brought her home and God how could she have forgotten even for a second.

"Hi." She answers, unsure if anything else could fill the space. More pieces begin to move, and sections of her past, of Audrey's past come flooding in. She thinks of going into the barn, of leaving Haven behind. She thinks of Nathan and their goodbye, of how hard she fought to stay.

"Hi." He parrots.

She takes a good look behind him, and it's like that name game from elementary school, where you have to go around the room and name every kid.

Duke, Jordan, Vince, Dave…

Everything clicks into place. She's in Haven; she's home. Whatever was going on in the barn is over, and she's made it back to them.

"Killing me's the only way."

She wants to smack him upside the head for even considering that option, for even thinking for half a second that she would shoot him.

She wants to tell him off right there but he cups her cheek and kisses her. He catches her off guard for once and she's slow to react. Part of her deep down pushes for her to throw her arms around him and never let him go, but all she manages is a hand on his forearm before he pulls away.

Nathan presses a gun in her hand and points it at his chest and she's screaming inside. She's just got him back, she's not going to lose him again.

"Please, Audrey."

He's begging her to kill him. There's no way this situation is real, no way this is happening.

She knows how FBI agent Audrey Parker would react in this situation. She'd plead with Nathan, try to convince him he's wrong. Try to convince the Guard.

But Audrey also knows Nathan's too stubborn and Jordan's too trigger happy for that to work.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she realizes she knows how Lexie DeWitt would react too, and that seems so much more useful.

Suddenly the final piece shifts.

It's all so easy now.

If she's Lexie, all bets are off. Lexie's not going to be in love with a man she just met, and if she's not in love with him then she doesn't have to kill him.

The look on Nathan's face is almost enough to turn her away, but she's made up her mind now, and for once she's going to be just as stupidly stubborn as he is.

"I'm not killing anyone."

ii.

It's not the lying that's the hardest part.

She remembers everything about Lexie's life, the way that she remembers everything about Audrey's. It's weird, having two pasts in your head, and it's even weirder to know that you didn't live through either of them.

But she knows how Lexie was, and she knows how to use that. Knows how to push Nathan away.

They end up stuck in the storage room together and he almost makes it easy to be Lexie, to be brazen and off-putting. He barely wants to look at her, let alone have a heart-to-heart.

And yet she can tell that he's trying. He's trying see past Lexie's brash attitude, just in case there's any bit of Audrey left.

She's made sure there isn't.

She brings up peyote and he still pushes, makes a comment about how he's glad she feels better.

She's almost mad at him for it. Can't he just give up? Accept that Lexie is the exact opposite of who Audrey was and leave her alone?

The second the thought crosses her mind she knows he won't.

Nathan would never have stopped trying to save me.

He'll never stop trying to find her either.

"Maybe once we get out of here, we could get something to eat."

Whatever quick response Lexie would have had falters in her mind as she looks at Nathan. He looks so earnest, hoping against hope that deep down inside, she's still who he remembers.

She feels her resolve begin to weaken, so she forces herself to remember the feel of his gun in her hand and the way he'd urged her to kill him.

"Maybe some pancakes?"

And there it is, his final test. She probably should have known.

Audrey wants to laugh, but she bites it down. He's given her the perfect wedge to drive between them, she's not going to pass this up. She knows what he's doing, and she's got to be much better at this game.

"Pancakes?"

She gags in response, and as he turns away she pretends the hurt on his face doesn't feel like someone's stabbing her in the stomach.

iii.

She wasn't careful enough down in the basement.

But her adrenaline's pumping and Duke's going to die and instinct kind of takes over and she just steps aside.

In all fairness, Lexie would probably have done the same, but not the Lexie she's been presenting to the rest of the world.

She should have known Duke would catch her mistake. To be honest she's almost relieved that he does.

For the first time since she stepped out of the barn, Audrey lets her guard down. She turns and hugs him tightly, glad to be able to be herself for half a second. She wasn't given a proper welcome back, on account of the guns and death pacts, and she lets herself revel in this for a moment.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asks when they break apart, and she almost laughs out loud.

"Sorry but I didn't have a lot of time to come up with a better plan." She sighs, pressing her hand to her forehead.

"Why didn't you tell us? Does Nathan know?" He's talking quickly and a bit too loud for her liking. It's empty outside, but she's certainly familiar enough with Haven to know that you're never truly alone in this town.

"Shhh!" She smacks him lightly on the arm. "We're not talking about this out here."

Duke groans loudly and throws his hands in the air. "You can't think you're gonna get out of this that easily."

She bits her lip, wanting so badly to explain everything, to have at least someone to confide in. But they're out in the open and she's not stupid, the guard might think she thinks she's just a bartender but that doesn't mean they're going to stop keeping eyes on her.

A car pulls into the lot behind him and she shakes her head quickly.

"Not now. We can talk later, okay?"

Duke opens his mouth but she turns before he gets anything out, and she hears him cursing as she bolts up the stairs to the apartment.

iv.

Her slip up in front of Duke was understandable, given the situation. At least someone knows now, and if this all goes south she's got one person in her corner.

But then she makes a dumb mistake in front of Nathan, and it's like the whole world freezes. He's the one she's doing this whole thing for, he's the reason she's pretending she's never held a gun before and he's the reason she's still wearing this ridiculous nose ring, and suddenly he knows.

In that instant she knows she could get out of it, could play it off that she overheard him and Duke call the cop Tater, she was just joking, it didn't mean anything. She would leave him suspicious, but a few more teasing barbs and he wouldn't touch her with a four foot pole.

But she doesn't want to. It's only been two days of this, but it's exhausting. Lexie, or the version of Lexie she's created, is so jarringly different from who she really is she has to remind herself every second how to stand and what to do with her hands. She misses Nathan, misses the closeness they used to have so long ago.

And now he might turn to stone in a little over ten minutes if she doesn't find and fix this troubled guy. They work better together, they always have. Maybe she can still do this if Nathan knows, maybe she can still protect him.

So she caves.

It starts off as a half-attempt at a cover-up, but it doesn't get very far.

"That…. That's the kind of thing that starts a trouble, right?" She's still got Lexie's pose and she's fiddling with her hair but her words are all her. She's simultaneously hoping that Nathan sees through her and hoping that he doesn't.

Nathan stares at her in confusion, almost non responsive to her words, so she keeps barreling through. They've got to get to the troubled guy before Nathan's next, that's what's most important.

"He's setting a fifteen minute time clock on people that leaves them motionless when it ends." She remembers this part clearly, the adrenaline rush of solving a case. This time it's so much more intense because she knows what's on the line if this doesn't work out.

"That's the kind of thing that causes a trouble?"

Last chance to back out. She glances down at the timer, watches the seconds Nathan has left tick away.

"Yeah." She answers, barely above a whisper.

This time his response is instantaneous.

"Audrey?" He sounds caught between disbelief and shock, like he so badly wants this to be true, but he can't possibly believe that it is.

"Yes." She thinks she ought to sound more certain in telling him this, but her voice almost wavers just getting out that one word.

"Parker?"

Hearing him call her that nearly makes her want to cry. Time might not have passed the same way in the barn, but it feels like years since she's seen him.

"Yeah." She can't fight the smile as he launches himself at her, can't keep from wrapping her arms around him and holding on as tight as she can.

God, she missed this. Even before she went into the barn everything was so difficult between them. All she wants is to carry him off to some other town far, far away from Haven and the troubles, where they can lead average lives and where they'll finally be allowed to love each other.

But she knows that will never be more than a dream, so she closes her eyes and squeezes him tighter.

v.

Audrey storms out of the station, boots clunking on the stairs as she brushes past a group of uniforms. She's vaguely aware of their eyes as she half runs to the car, yanking open the door and getting in as quickly as she can.

She almost cracks as she pulls the door shut, closing her eyes and covering her face with her hands.

God, he's so….

A thousand and one words come to mind, and she pinches the bridge of her nose. She takes a deep breath, willing her sudden anger to dissipate, but it doesn't work.

She means it, of course; she loves him. She's known it for such a long time that it almost feels like it doesn't need to be said. But she could have lost him today for the umpteenth time, and he's still so set on letting her kill him, it nearly felt like she was going to burst if she didn't let it out.

How could he ever think that she would be willing to do that? To end his life, even for the sake of the town? If he couldn't let her go, let her sacrifice herself for Haven, how the hell does he expect her to be able to kill him?

She slams her palm down on the steering wheel in frustration, forces herself to ignore what she worries are tears pricking at the edge of her vision.

There's a knock on the window and she turns suddenly, her hand going to the gun on her waist automatically.

Nathan pulls open the door and gets into the passenger seat without a sound, swinging the door shut with a click.

Audrey looks over and stares at him for a moment. He's watching straight ahead, seemingly ignoring her. She opens her mouth to say something when he suddenly speaks.

"I love you too."

She turns away from him, presses her lips together. There's still anger coursing through her, confusion over how he could expect so much of her. But she's waited so long to be able to tell him what she just did, and to hear the same from him.

She reaches over and grabs his hand, threading their fingers together. She watches his face as he closes his eyes briefly, his skin registering the contact.

"If you love me then how can you possibly think that I could kill you?" They're sealed inside the car but she still whispers, her voice just barely carrying across to him. "How can you ask that of me?"

"If you kill me, then the troubles end-"

She almost rolls her eyes, but the move reminds her too much of Lexie.

"Goddammit Nathan, don't give me that speech again." She takes another breath, giving herself a moment. "I don't care. I don't care if the troubles stay forever, it's not going to make me kill you."

He releases her hand and she feels a jolt of panic; she's gone too far. He reaches up and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and despite everything she finds herself leaning into his touch.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, and he's leaning in close enough that she feels his breath drift across her face. "I don't want to hurt you."

"And you thought killing you wouldn't hurt me?"

He gives her the ghost of a smile. His palm still rests against her cheek, warm and comforting in a way she'll never be able to describe.

"I'll never forgive myself for what I did." His tone has shifted, it's cold and measured. Regretful. "I cursed this entire town."

"That wasn't you." She mumbles almost to herself, but she knows he can hear it.

"I need to pay for what I've done."

Audrey looks up at him, sees the absolute pain and grief in his eyes. She doesn't know what he did these past six months, but if she knows Nathan at all she'd bet he spent most of the time berating himself over and over about forces beyond his control.

"No, you don't. And neither do I." She reaches out and grasps his hand again. "We can find another way. There's got to be one. And even if there isn't, this whole town is just going to deal with it." He has a look on his face like he's about to refute her, so she keeps on. "I won't do it, Nathan. I don't care what the Guard says, or even what you say. If I'm the one who has to kill you, then it's my call."

Nathan pulls her in for a kiss just as she finishes speaking, his hand sliding to cup her neck. She leans into him, coaxing his mouth open to deepen the kiss. He's the first to break away, his head coming down to rest on her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry."

Audrey brings up her hands to hold him to her, pressing her lips against the top of his head.

"We can do this together. I promise."

He lifts his head, looking at her with an intensity she's only seen a few times before. He grabs both her hands, holding them tight in his own.

"I love you." He says plainly, and even with all that's just happened she can't fight the smile that spreads across her face.

"I love you too."