So after all this time, after we've gotten the wedding, the marriage, the bout with stomach flu, the fight about kids and religion etc, I was rummaging through my folder of unfinished fics and fic ideas, and I found this. Apparently I'd written out an ending. I feel really bad about this now, because it had such a cruel cliffhanger. So I'm publishing it now, when it no longer will provide the same satisfaction. It starts a little while before the last chapter ends, but it wouldn't flow well if I didn't (and I did edit the part that looks almost identical so it'd fit better with the cliffhanger). If anyone reads it anyway: Thank you! I am sorry and I hope you can still enjoy it.

'I am an asshole,' is the first thing he says. He can't really gather his thoughts. He hadn't expected this. His instinct is to run away so he doesn't have to deal with this right now.

'You're right,' is the next thing he manages to articulate. She's not looking at him.

Suddenly he can't take it anymore. A floodgate opens, and he just... Understands. And it is painful. Looking up at the ceiling, clenching his fists, groaning through his teeth, he can't take this frustration. This should have been obvious. All this time he'd been hiding behind anger, trying and failing to be grown-up and reasonable about the entire thing. He'd mistaken the dullness with Stephanie for stability and maturity, thought that his passion and love for April was just pain and dramatics.

'This should have been so simple. What the hell have we been doing?' Correcting himself, he continues: 'What have I been doing?'

April has raised her eyes, gazing at him wide-eyed now.

He knows that in front of him stands the woman who's been driving him mad for the past year. She's made him dizzy with desire and joy, but she's also driven him to despair, constantly hurting him, tearing at his self-esteem and his entire being. He is desperate for her and he has never really told her.

In one stride he is standing right next to her, towering over her. He can't take this anymore.

'You're right.' He almost growls, still not touching her.

'But if we try again, we both have to know exactly where we're at. I think neither of us wants to play games anymore.'

April nods. 'I'm sorry that I kept pushing you away before.'

Jackson shakes his head at this. 'It's not your fault. We both screwed up. But I never wanted to admit to my part in it because I am such an idiot.' He says the last part through closed teeth again, the frustration rising again.

'I've blamed you all along,' he adds. 'I've been... I don't know,' he looks up, searching for words.'I've been a coward, an immature selfish coward.'

Staring down at her, he feels a bit dizzy. It's something he's missed. Why hasn't he realized it before?

'If you really mean this, April, then...' He hesitates for a second. 'Then let's give us a real chance. We'll be together for real, a real couple', he almost laughs with relief at saying that last part.

'We can go on real dates,' April says, so many tears in her voice. Now he does laugh and he raises his arms to encircle her waist, puts his head on her shoulder and hugs her close.

'Yeah, and we take it slowly this time,' he murmurs.

Then she isn't in his arms anymore. She's pulled away.

'Before we do this, you need to speak to Stephanie and I to Matthew,' she says, biting her lip, not looking overjoyous at the prospect.

He swallows and nods. 'Yes, you're right. Again.'

So they exit the room, not holding hands, going down different directions down the corridor. He turns around, looks at her red curls sweeping down her back, bouncing with her brisk steps. It brings back the joy and passion and excitement, the shame still intermingling through it. He has a lot to make up for and he knows how lucky he is to get that chance.