Pitfall

"If this is to end in fire

Then we shall all burn together"

— Ed Sheeran

Did you know that I had always wanted to own a little black dress, so when I was nineteen and freshly graduated, I bought a six hundred dollar Givenchy dress on impulse. The first time I wore it was at a freshman party, and I got more looks than I asked for so after that I never wore it again. Ever since then, it would sit in my closet, my suitcase, my new closet, never knowing the outside world, never wearing out of love. Six hundred dollars was sitting in my closet.

But I did love that dress, was my point. I just never liked being the center of attention. When I dated I thought it was too provocative to wear for him, and when I married, that dress had truly lost its purpose.

Tonight I'd worn it. I'd worn it for Levi. It was a little tight but whatever.

"Are you celebrating my engagement by looking so darn pretty, or is the whole thing at the back of your head compared to what you're really here for." Eld handed me a glass of champagne, I snatched it from him and took it down in one gulp.

"Do you want the truth?" I asked, but said it anyway, "you getting engaged is rubbing salt in my wound, me being here is so I can spend all night with Levi not giving two shits about your party."

"You're starting to talk like him."

Surprisingly I didn't hate that. "It was a joke, Eld. I love you of course I'm here because I want to celebrate your engagement to some girl I hardly know. But I guess that latter part is my fault." Eld had tried to get us acquainted, but well, I was too busy moping out of the country.

"Yes. You're nervous aren't you?"

"No I'm not, it hasn't been that long since I last saw him."

"But now you're divorced, and now you're expecting Noel and Levi to meet face to face. It was awkward enough I had to invite them both."

He was right. Not only was I nervous about seeing Levi, but the idea of my ex-husband meeting the guy I kind of left him for had me on edge. I wasn't expecting a fight or some dramatic tug-o-war, especially since this would all be one-sided in the end. Plus I could never imagine Levi doing any of that. He would probably say nothing, and silently judge me.

"I'm a little nervous, but not really."

"What? You're either nervous or you're not."

I sighed. "I don't know anymore. Why?"

"Do you really need me to answer that question?" Eld raised an eyebrow quizzically. I shook my head, and he handed me another glass of champagne. "You'll be okay without me," he gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and went over to his fiancée who was eyeing me rather jealously. She was quite the looker, Eld did well.

I once again downed the champagne in one gulp and proceeded to sit in an empty chair, ignoring the attempts at socializing with strangers I couldn't care less about. When did I become so disassociated with the world around me? I never minded meeting new faces before...everything. Maybe Eld was right, Levi was rubbing off on me. And just as I was about to grab myself another glass, he was standing there, a few feet away between two groups of people. From what I could tell her was still in his work clothes - a dress shirt, unbuttoned enough that I could see something aesthetically pleasing, it looked like he'd made a last minute attempt to neaten himself up. Everything about his expression read I don't want to be here.

I bounced to my feet and gave him a shy wave. Levi noticed immediately and relief washed over him as his shoulders relaxed. He hurried over to me like I'd just come to save him. My cheeks were getting red from more than just the alcohol.

"Hey you," he said casually, "thought you forgot about me." If he sounded pleased to see me, it didn't show. But I had to stop myself from smiling like an idiot.

During my hellish week, begging and waiting for my divorce papers to be signed, and finally succeeding after dramatically threatening to kill myself (as a last resort), all I wanted was to see Levi so badly. "I told you I needed time," I said, as if it were just a matter of paperwork and lawyers.

"Time's up."

I chuckled at his deadpan tone, it was all worth it in the end."Well, I'm a divorced woman now, no one's gonna want me anymore."

I meant the last part to be a joke, but he didn't say anything. I felt slightly disappointed, and was embarrassed that I even expected him to answer with something as cringe-worthy as 'I still want you' while smirking with those alluring lips of his. This was Levi, not Ryan Reynolds.

"How do you feel?" he asked, and I could have sworn I saw a grin.

I shrugged. "Like I'm in high school again, waiting for the perfect guy to come pick me up in his Lexus."

"That's sad. You'll be sorely disappointed with those expectations."

"I don't think so." And before I could stop myself, I blurted, "I mean, you're above them." That may have given me a permanent ulcer, with how tasteless it sounded.

His eyes widened. I thought he was going to say something snarky, or hold back a laugh even, but instead, he went quiet. Was it really weird, what I'd said?

"Sorry, that was embarrassing."

He looked away. "No, that's not it."

"Then what—" Oh. No way. Really? He just couldn't take a compliment. I basically confessed to being attracted to his weird and unapproachable personality, and he'd gotten flustered – in a very Levi-way where it doesn't show – but damn. "That is adorable."

He scowled. "Shut up."

"Petra," I heard someone say. Before I could turn around, I felt a hand on my back and Erwin had me beside him. Levi didn't look too bothered by it, but he didn't look too happy to see Erwin either. I sometimes wondered about these two, it was almost like they were past lovers. The idea didn't sound too bad. Erwin was a good looking man.

"Are you doing well?" he asked with a smile.

"Uh, yeah. A little tired that's all."

"Because of him I'm guessing," he pointed to Levi, who scoffed in response.

"I won't deny that," I shamelessly giggled like I was flirting. I blamed the dress.

Erwin shot Levi a challenging look, but he was too smart to care, sadly.

"Erwin, between you and me I think I know who gets the most meat."

Okay I didn't expect that. Erwin stopped smiling, and looked a little disappointed with the comeback. "Have a good night, Levi."

"Oh I will."

Erwin pat me on the shoulder and whispered a good luck before leaving us as we were. I turned back to Levi who was smirking.

"I don't understand you two."

"Would you believe me if I said we used to date?"

I hesitated before replying, "No."

"Good, because I'd rather be a eunuch."

"That's no good."

"Why? Because that's all you wanted from me? My junk?"

I pursed my lips. "Yes, exactly that."

"Heh."

This time I let myself grin. "Are you enjoying yourself now?"

"Possibly," he replied. Surprised, I dropped my smile. Levi did not enjoy parties. Levi was not particularly anti-social to the point where he'd openly tell you to stop talking, but he was definitely not a party person. So was he admitting that I was the sole reason this party suddenly became enjoyable? I felt the need to push the topic, but he was already shooting me glares like he was telling me to drop it.

But this was going somewhere, so I said something bold, "Let's talk about us."

He cocked an eyebrow, "Now?"

"Yes, now."

"I mean, it's not like we're in the middle of something but—"

"Who cares? Eld knows how we are. Eld knows everything."

He grimaced. "That's fucking great. Look. Petra. Let's just enjoy ourselves."

"No, we can't. I'm done waiting."

As I predicted, he shot me a glare. But I was stubborn and Levi knew that. He looked uncomfortable enough that I considered backing out. I knew he didn't like talking about feelings, and the few times we had had been in very roundabout ways. Yet now was a perfect opportunity to continue from that night. We were in a crowded place, celebrating our good friend's happiness, I was dressed for him with the full intent of seducing his attention no matter how lacking my assets were. I wanted us to be something so badly that it was borderline obsession.

"Well?" I urged.

"I'm shit at being a boyfriend," he said frankly, "you should know."

"If you mean going on long walks on the beach, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, and candlelight dinners at home, then you've got the wrong idea. I'm not all about that."

He sighed. "I'm just saying I can't express myself like you can. If we date, you're just going to feel insecure, making wild assumptions that I don't feel the same way, that I'm fucking some other blonde, and then you'll go into depression and regret sharing your life with me."

Every part of my felt insulted by what he'd just said. "God. What do you take me for?"

"Shit. That came out wrong. What I meant was, I'm going to disappoint you." Levi almost looked panicked, but as usual he composed himself before letting it show. He gave me his dead, indifferent, blank face that I hated. It was the one where I knew something was going on inside of his head, but he was sitting too comfortably on his pedestal of pride. I was losing him.

"Tell me," I demanded, "what you're thinking."

He ignored me, and snatched up a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. As he drank it, I felt the blood sneaking into my ears. "Don't ignore me!"

This was supposed to be a good time for us. It was supposed to be the place where we finally got our shit together. Now I was already getting mad? That escalated fast. Levi returned the glass to another passing waiter then stuck a hand into his pocket. "Look. I'm going out for a smoke."

And then, something clicked in me, all the stress and emotional turmoil I'd built up from the very first day I'd met this goddamn enigma exploded in his face. "Levi! Don't you dare turn your back on me!"

He stopped in his tracks, the hand in his pocket unmoving. I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around so he would face me. "This is my choice and I'm the one that decides if you're good enough!"

"Hey pipe down," he hissed.

"Fuck you," I spat. "You listen to me. This insecurity of yours is driving me mad, what are you so afraid of? That you'll actually get something good out of letting yourself feel some real, human emotions? and maybe I'm being cocky when I say I'm reason you're all choked up? But no. No. You don't get to be half-assed about this anymore, because even though I fucked up the first time, I've fixed everything for us. I've given up all I ever had just to be with you, and people hate me for it! For god's sake, how do you think I felt all those months knowing you hadn't even tried to contact me? I would ask Eld every single fucking day whether my name was even mentioned by your dirty mouth, heck I would have been happy even if it was an insult – I was even mad at you at one point and considered giving up! Like...was I really just a fling for you? I was really so insignificant that you're just going to forget about me like that? Do you have any idea how HAPPY I was when you told me you missed me?" I realized my outburst was attracting attention, but it only spurred me on. "No you probably didn't, because all you think about it how you feel. How you felt. Well let me tell you how I feel and how I felt because apparently I wasn't clear enough the other day. Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you so fucking much. I didn't even know I could love like this. I'm not asking to get married, start a family or anything like that. I just want to be happy knowing I can't rock up at your apartment, switch on your TV and have a conversation about nothing with you, maybe eat dinner and then make love, that is all I'm asking for. That's it. Nothing else. Is that not good enough?"

People were staring. Levi was too overwhelmed to respond to my outburst. I was too livid to care about my surroundings, but he noticed both the unwarranted attention and my instability, and decided to grab my arm and lead me from the buffet in a hurry. My emotions were in a jumble so I just let myself by pulled by him. Not a single word was exchanged as we walked further and further away from the party.

We eventually reached a quiet corner, away from prying eyes and ears. If I wasn't so annoyed I would have found this situation to be thrilling. The first thing he did after letting go of my arm was drag the longest sigh of frustration I'd ever heard him sigh. I folded my arms, letting him know this wasn't over until he said some kind of satisfactory response to everything I had to say.

"Jesus Christ you're a handful," he frowned.

I frowned back.

"And impatient."

"I have every reason to be."

"You know we're going to become a hot topic."

"I don't care."

"That's fucking selfish."

"I can do this all night."

"I believe it."

"Well?"

"If," he started, "you're asking me if you wearing that tight dress makes me want to bend you over then yes you're doing a great job."

"Levi!" My heart was still beating from earlier.

"But if," he continued, "you're asking if I'm ready to admit that I love you then no, I'll never be ready, because that's not me, I'm not sentimental." He leaned towards me and gave me a testing look. My lack of reaction gave him the okay to bring his fingers along my cheek. I realized he was fond of touching my face whenever it was difficult for him to say something. But the feeling of his fingers against my skin felt more sad than euphoric, almost like they weren't meant to be there in the first place. Unease crept inside of me.

I shook his hand off and reached for his shirt. It was like defying an unknown entity when I forced a kiss on him. I was essentially pushing away his miasma of doubt. Whatever it was that made him hesitate, I wanted it gone. The kiss was deep. Deeper than I intended. And the next thing I knew I had my back against the wall with the taste of his saliva inside my mouth. It was disgusting. It was sloppy. But it was passion. I don't think I'd ever been so easily aroused by a guy. It reminded me of the time at the gym, the night of our first date, he day he called me a whore, and I realized that our relationship was filled with random spikes of sexual tension at the most unpredictable times. He moved to kiss my neck. The feel of his lips suckling against my skin suddenly made me self-conscious of what this was leading to. Still, I didn't want to let go no matter how many times the world tried to stop me.

Fate will revoke everything.

Huh?

I felt his hand push up my thigh, and with his breath ragged and erotic he growled into my right ear, "Where the fuck have you been all my life, I'm almost thirty."

It's too late.

I froze. The world seemed to tilt to one side. Levi began to kiss along my jaw, down to my clavicle. My dress was climbing its way up.

You gave it up.

But no matter how much that voice was begging me to stop. I still wanted him. I traced my fingers along the undercut of his hair and drew him closer. He was finally accepting us, and I was so unbelievably happy. I pulled his face up so I could kiss him on the cheek, and when he pulled away to gaze at me, there was a sense of satisfaction knowing that one small intimacy made him so ravished. He pushed his hips against mine and I moaned out loud.

Petra. Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

The sound of his belt coming undone.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

STOP.

"Stop!"

Levi backed away, stunned. My breathing was frayed and I had no idea what was going on. Who was that inside my head? I looked down and saw that my dress was disheveled and folded up so my panties were showing. I then looked at him with his shirt unbuttoned, his hair in a mess and his belt hanging loose. Why did we stop?

Guilt built up on his face and he murmured in an uncharacteristically anxious voice, "Sorry."

It all clicked into place. I was the one that stopped it. "No!" I yelled, pulling my dress down and awkwardly stumbling toward him. "No I don't mean that!"

He caught me before I could trip on my heels. "That wasn't me, my god I don't know why I said that! Shit, I ruined everything, I'm sorry." I didn't know how I could explain that it wasn't him that I wanted to stop without sounding crazy. A voice inside my head? Was it just my inner conscience telling me I wasn't ready? No, that couldn't be it. That voice was real and I knew who it belonged to. I just couldn't remember. My mouth gaped open but no words came out. The mood was so killed I wanted to cry. What in the world is going on?

"Hey, hey." Levi put a hand on my arm, noticing I was starting to panic. "It's whatever, don't worry about it." He gently brushed the flyaway strands on my hair and knelt down to fix the hem of my dress. My god, this was making me feel so bad. He got to his feet and started fixing his belt.

"I'm so sorry," I apologized again, not knowing what to say. I bit my lip.

When he was done with his belt, he returned his attention to me, and pushed a thumb over my bottom lip so I'd stop clamping my teeth over it. "Don't do that."

"Sorry."

He rolled his eyes. "We were going too fast and you backed out. This isn't the first time it's happened." Talking about past experiences wasn't making me feel better, but worst of all he had it all wrong. I shook my head desperately, swatting his hand away.

"It's not too fast, if you count the number of years I've been alive." God, that came out stupid. I wasn't sure how to say I was so ready to spend the night with him without sounding like a desperate little whore. All I could offer was vanilla sex too. Ugh. I didn't have time to feel insecure, especially after I'd preached to him about dropping his insecurities. I went with a lie. "I just don't think a remote corner on the sixth floor of a hotel, three doors down from the function room with all our friends, with cameras everywhere, is a great place to spend our first time." It occurred to me that that was only a half lie. I couldn't believe we were going to go all the way – in public. Actually I was quite horrified.

"Touché." he said like that was never a problem for him. I didn't want to think about the places he'd done it.

"But we're cool, right?" I asked with a sudden spike of anxiousness. "You're not going to forget this ever happened?"

Levi rubbed my shoulders to calm me down. "Yes, we're cool. I'll be your stupid boyfriend if that's what you want."

"It's what I want," I hugged him.

"Okay. Good." he said feeling awkward. "Now go back and enjoy yourself, I really need a smoke."

"And we'll continue this later?"

"Goddamn right we will."

I let go, and we kissed one last time before I unwillingly head back to the function. I decided that the voice I had heard was really just my conscience. And it was a good thing it didn't happen there. I didn't expect romantic from Levi, but tacky wasn't on my mind either. I was all giddy and excited about the possibilities for us from here on.

When I was back at the party, the few people that had been there to see my outburst had dispersed into the crowd. I was thankful Eld's fiancée was quite the social butterfly, so even though I was pretty loud, it was only loud enough to grab the attention of anything within a one meter radius with the noise level as it were. Hopefully I didn't become hot topic, like Levi predicted. I was feeling myself again, so I put the effort into mingling with new faces, finding Oluo and Gunther, meeting the new missus properly. I was in such high spirits I had failed to notice Levi return and slip his hand around my waist like it was the most natural thing ever.

I had also failed to notice one last thing that would be my undoing.

"Well that was fun," Eld chuckled. I was in his car with Oluo and Gunther. I hadn't told Levi I was still living at Oluo's, and was lucky that he didn't seem to notice. But it was okay, I actually found a cheap apartment. I would be in my own place faster than he could worry. Eld was dropping us off, while his fiancée was staying with her family for the weekend. Levi went home with Erwin, I could tell he really didn't want to sit in his car.

"Petra, don't you have something to tell us?" asked Eld as he made a stop at a red.

I dodged the question. "Yeah, you're fiancée is hot."

"Petra baby, you know lesbianism is a turn on for straight men," Oluo interjected.

Gunther nudged him in the shoulder. "Dude, that's fucking gross. Petra is our little sister, that's borderline incestuous."

I laughed for the first time in a while. I knew they all knew. I knew Oluo was hurt, even a little. And it was even harder for me to watch knowing he'd gotten used to it. But I had nothing else more than familial love to offer him. This was my family apart from my dad. They were my brothers as much as I was their sister, and it felt nice to end the day with the people I loved. I think I was happy – like – real happy. Levi was the last piece of the puzzle, that's all.

But I guess happiness was short-lived. No matter how much you hoped for it to never end. No matter how hard you worked for it. It's like a game of Russian roulette, except this time, happiness was the bullet you were waiting for. The blanks were the chances against you. I was never meant to pull that bullet, not now, not ever. I gave it up a long time ago, so that everyone else could share it.

And it was all coming back to me, why?

The light turned green, and as Eld pushed his foot against the accelerator, I saw a familiar red car in my line of sight. It came from the left, too fast for anyone to react, too fast for anyone to notice – besides myself. But it's not the fact that it was coming at full speed that surprised me, but the person behind the wheel. As the car rammed into us, my body was jerked sideways. I felt a sharp pain.

The last thing I saw was the crying face of the man I had ruined.

Noel.

He'd seen me with Levi.

You brought this on yourself.

...

...

It's been so long I can't remember how long. Sorry guys, uni and all. Hope you liked the long chapter though?

And oh my god snk is just what the fuck now.