You won't admit you love me
And so, how am I ever to know?
You always tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

~ Doris Day

Tsukuyo is a tsundere through and through. It's something Gintoki pretends (like any good JUMP protagonist worth his salt) not to enjoy.

Fortunately, he doesn't see her too often. He likes that. It keeps things simple. For him, he can only handle cute weather ladies and maybe the occasional porn video when Kagura's busy out walking Sadaharu at the park. His philosophy is out of sight, out of mind.

But then Seita comes and messes that plan up. Dumb kid.

-x-

It was completely gradual. First he offered to serve an hour for free in exchange for snacks and the chance to see the Yorozuya occasionally. After that he came over more and more often. Then Otose finally caved in and gave him a job on the weekend. She was always glad to have a helpful staff on hand and Seita fit the bill. Clever, quick, and nimble, he was again proving he was more competent to serve customers than Ms. Catherine herself.

On one of these lazy weekends, Gintoki dropped by. "Yo, kid, how's your mom?"

"She's doing good! Our toy shop gets lots of customers."

Gintoki suppressed a look of approval. He shouldn't congratulate a ten-year old boy for working at a sex toy shop in the midst of Yoshiwara, but even so, he grinned. While Otose wasn't looking, he swiped a flask of sake from Seita's tray and mischievously took a sip.

"I'm going to add that to your rent," Otose said flatly, without turning her back. Gintoki feigned innocence.

"Shouldn't you charge the kid for being an irresponsible worker?"

"HEY! THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!"

When Otose left the bar again to restock the snacks, Seita resumed the conversation. "Yeah my mom's doing really well, but uh, when it comes to Tsukuyo-nee..." His voice trailed off, as if he was waiting for Gintoki to say something.

He swirled the alcohol in the flask, feigning disinterest. "Yeah?"

"She's turning twenty-three in a week. She's getting old."

The man snorted. "Then I must be ancient."

"Well, I was just thinking - maybe you could visit her on her birthday?" Seita looked up at him hopefully. "She likes you, you know."

"... I doubt it."

"No, she really does! She just tries to cover it up, because of the whole I-gave-up-my-womanhood thing."

"Look, kid. She's a drunk terminator. I'm pretty sure she's incapable of actually liking actual human beings."

"Okay, but disregarding the fact that she's violent when she's drunk, she's actually a really nice person."

Which was also true, unless you accidentally touched her tits or ass. But Gintoki wasn't about to say that to a ten year old, no matter where he lived.

"...I'll see what I can do."

"Yippee! You're the best, Gin-san!"

After he finished his drink, he went upstairs and looked up Hinowa's shop number in the phone book. Then making sure that Kagura was deeply entranced in the wonders of Ladies 4, he dialed the number.

Hinowa picked up first ring - "Hello?"

Gintoki had already considered the implications of blaming her son as a complete moron, and as such said flatly, "Your son is an idiot. Stop making him say stupid things."

He hung up, slamming the phone.

-x-

"Okashira! I heard from someone that your birthday is coming up!"

Tsukuyo looked up and tapped off the excess ash from her pipe. "Hmm? I don't remember telling anyone that - "

"It doesn't matter! What kind of gift would you like?"

The Courtesan of Death looked down and examined her weapons. "A sharpening stone, I s'pose. I could use some more kunai, now that ya think about it..."

Her subordinates looked slightly disappointed.

"What?"

"You don't want a cake or new hairpins?"

"Ah, you don't have to go so far," Tsukuyo said fondly. "I don't have plans for something as small as my birthday."

"You mean you don't have a date either?"

"N-no," Tsukuyo said, a little lamely. "Why would I, anyway?" She laughed a little bit and scratched her neck.

"But Boss, nearly everyone here in the Hyakka has a nice boyfriend," somebody meekly ventured. "You're saying that in all your years of service you've never gone on a date with a guy before?"

A pink flush was starting to make its way noticeable onto Tsukuyo's cheeks. A kick of stubborness made her retort, "I don't need a man."

There was a pause so that the Hyakka could digest this before a knowing look descended on all of them. "Yeah, I bet she wouldn't say that if it Sakata-san was in front of her - "

"OI! WHO MENTIONED THAT LOSER'S NAME? WHY'D YA DO THAT?"

Sadly, they were well acquainted with Tsukuyo's short temper and before she could say anything they leapt across town, ostensibly to patrol. Tsukuyo fumed, rummaging through her pockets for a matchstick so she could light up her pipe.

"Damn them," she mumbled.

It was like the world was conspiring to put her and Gintoki together, and while she could admit honestly that he was one of the few men she could tolerate, there was just no way that she could ever be with him. He was lazy as hell. He always said something that would piss her off.

But what it pissed her off the most about him was the fact that she found him inexplicably attractive. It wasn't fair. She had gone through most of her life without being attracted to men and now it was like she couldn't even act like a normal person in front of him.

Really. Panicking in front of him when he wasn't really shot in the chest - what was she, his wife? Nobume hadn't panicked, no not at all. She'd been calm, cool, collected - a complete professional.

Then again, maybe it wasn't her fault. Thinking about him made her heart skip a beat, a possible health condition. (Yes, perhaps that was the problem - she wasn't eating as well, and she did smoke too often...)

She liked that he always looked so relaxed. It was like he wasn't in a rush to do anything - as if he'd already seen enough of the world and was content to simply exist. She didn't meet too many people like that. The men who went through Yoshiwara were sophisticated and ambitious - hungry for more, more, more. They wanted the best courtesans and the best sake and the best entertainers in town. And they were never satisfied enough; they had to return for something else beyond their reach.

But Gintoki was a simple man. A gentle man, even if he pretended he wasn't.

Maybe that was why people gravitated to him naturally. He helped others without asking for anything in return. He'd go beyond the call of duty if it made someone happy. That was how it was with Sakata Gintoki.

-x-

Seita. That dumb kid made things complicated.

"She likes you, you know."

"She just tries to cover it up, because of the whole I-gave-up-my-womanhood thing."

Why couldn't she have been flat-chested or a somewhat normal woman or even a psychotic stalker who hung from his bedroom ceiling?

If she had been any of those three - or all of the above, Tsukuyo would have not been a problem. See, Gintoki lived life as simply as he could.

Women were a hassle. This was a fact - he lived with Kagura and an old hag who were responsible for the continual drain on his finances. Adding one more to the mix would spell disaster. Albeit a very beautiful disaster.

He looked at his remaining pile of money and sighed. Pachinko was fun, but her birthday -

"Women," he grumbled.

-x-

She came late one night at the end of her patrol shift. Hinowa and Seita had already gone to bed, but the kitchen light was still on. Narrowing her eyes, she whipped out a kunai, approaching the room with a stealthiness that had been honed for years.

A lazy voice interrupted her preparations. "Gee, you don't need to be so paranoid. It's me, Gin-san."

"Can't be too careful," Tsukuyo said roughly, although her heart was fluttering madly. "When did you come?"

"Half an hour ago. For some reason, the door was unlocked... You guys don't really have the best business practices, now do you?"

"Hinowa usually locks the door," Tsukuyo said. "Maybe she forgot or somethin'."

"Maybe," Gintoki conceded. There was a small bag on the table. "Happy birthday, by the way."

Her mouth opened. Then closed. "You shouldn't have."

"It's from the Yorozuya, not just me," Gintoki lied.

"Well then, I thank ya, Gintoki, for bringing it all the way from there to here."

He was mortified how the warmth in her eyes and the shy smile made him look away awkwardly. He couldn't say anything - couldn't brush it off, couldn't help but notice she said his name with all the gratefulness in the world.

"Um... you want some tea?" she offered. "It's probably a long way from here to Edo - mighta need some refreshment or somethin'."

"No, that's all right," he said. "You should open it."

Her hand extricated a slim, handsomely carved pipe from the bag. "The one that you gave me when we were trying to fight Hosen got all messed up - and then you told me - "

"My pipe isn't a cheap piece of crap. It was made by the name brand 'bitch'." Tsukuyo repeated, a little overwhelmed. "You remembered. I can't believe you remembered."

She turned away to swipe a teardrop in her eye. "Thank you," she said, looking at the ground. "No one's ever given me such a nice present before."

"It's nothing," was what he replied. "I really do have to go, though."

"Seriously? I know we have some really delicious plum sake somewhere... You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Guess I'll wish ya goodbye, then. Have a safe trip," she said, smiling at him.

It was the strangest feeling he'd ever dealt with in a long time when he realized that was probably one of the very few times when neither of them were arguing with each other.

-x-

"YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RENT MONEY LEFT?! YOU'RE THREE MONTHS OVERDUE, YOU KNOW!"

"Aw c'mon old lady, you own this house in the Kabuki district - surely you can let me stay for another month?" Gintoki's wheedling made the morning typical of one who lived with the Yorozuyas.

Otose chewed him out for a few more minutes before stomping down, somewhat disgruntled.

"Gin, you really shouldn't put off paying the rent," Shinpachi repimanded him. "What did you spend it on this time? Booze? Gambling with Hasegawa-san?"

Gintoki pointedly ignored Shinpachi and went back lazily to reading his Jump. The quiet sounds of a broom sweeping the floor made the house cozy and comfortable.

"There's nothing to do here," the teenager sighed. "Hey, Gintoki, can I take the day off? There's a sale on Bargain Dash - and you know how my sister is about Bargain Dash, so could I... ?"

Gintoki dismissed him with a wave, picking his nose shortly afterward. Ah, progress. Kagura was still sleeping - bless her, she could sleep through even an earthquate - and decided to take a nap himself. It was a good sort of afternoon - no nagging glasses, no old ladies to harass him anymore.

At least that would have been the case if the doorbell hadn't just rang. A little annoyed, he yawned and stretched.

"Shinpachi, the door's unlocked," he grumbled - but walked to the entrance of the Yorozuya abode anyway. So it was a bit of a surprise when he found out it wasn't actually Shinpachi - nay, it was Tsukuyo herself in the flesh.

He could only respond with the eloquence of a man who is faced with an unspeakably beautiful woman.

"Uh - hi."

"Hello," she said, blue eyes meeting red. "I - I heard Seita said somethin' that made ya feel uncomfortable last week, and I wanted to apologize if he offended you so."

"..."

"What'd he say, if y'don't mind me askin'?"

Gintoki pondered over this before deciding to be honest. Seita would probably suffer the wrath of Tsukuyo later, but eh. Not his problem.

"He told me you liked me."

Her reaction was priceless. She took a step back, turned beet red, and started yelling at him, "Wha - what NONSENSE are ya talking about? I don't even like you - I mean, I do! Just not - not THAT way!"

"What way?"

"You know! Between a man and a - a woman!" She turned even brighter red at that.

It was a little hurtful. He supposed they could only be friends - in theory, if he wasn't so absorbed into checking out her chest. She really did have a nice rack.

Thankfully his little ogling excursion went unnoticed. "I'm going to KILL that kid once I get home! Making me come all this way for somethin' stupid like THAT!" She whipped out a matchstick to light up her tobacco pipe.

"That the new pipe I gave you?"

"What? Oh, yeah. Works amazing - you wanna try it?"

It wasn't an offer that people usually made to another. Tsukuyo probably thought it was a gesture of gratitude - he supposed it was normal in Yoshiwara to share drinks, pipes, or the usual seminal fluids...

He took the pipe and experimentally inhaled the smoke into his lungs. And coughed. Violently.

Tsukuyo laughed, her eyes merry and bright. "Ya don't smoke, do you?" He looked up, and belatedly realized that his lips had momentarily touched where hers once rested.

"No." He coughed some more. "Oi, that is such a terrible habit for a woman like you."

"HEY! What's that s'pose to mean?"

"Tobacco's going to kill you," he said rather bluntly. "One day you're going to get lung cancer."

"I don't care. Why'd ya smoke my pipe if you think it's bad for you, dummy?" She stuck it back in her mouth, woefully unaware of the indirect kiss. "You're such a weirdo. Anyways, I got to get back - "

"Wait, Tsukky."

"Yeah?"

He plucked out a piece of fluff that had dropped onto her head.

"You've got something in your hair."

She shivered involuntary as he accidentally grazed his fingers against her cheek. There was an odd look between the two of them - perhaps it was the uncertainty of everything that had happened lately. She took a step back and repeated, "I gotta get back to Yoshiwara."

"Aa," Gintoki said. "See you later."

Are we really friends?

-x-

"Boss. There's a phone call for you," one of her subordinates said.

She tossed her cell phone to Tsukuyo. The courtesan narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "How'd they get your number?"

"Beats me," she said.

Tsukuyo put the headpiece to her ear. "Hello?"

"It's me." A familiar husky voice drew her at attention.

"Uh - okay." On further realization, her eyes widened. "Wait, are you drunk, Gintoki?"

There was a slight pause before the other person replied. "Maybe. I might be tipsy - hic! - but not drunk."

"Geesh! You say weird things and I don't know what to make of it."

"Sorry."

"It's fine," she said, relaxing a little bit. "So, what's the occasion? Ya miss me or what?" She grinned, fully expecting playful banter from the samurai.

"Yeah. Kinda."

It came like a dizzying, powerful blow to the stomach. She wasn't ready for that.

"Uh - Gintoki, you okay? I think maybe yer drinking a bit more than usual..."

"Nah, I'm fine," he said. "Like I said, I miss you. I just wondered why you wouldn't."

"You're not makin' any sense. Why what?"

He answered her question with another. "Are you scared?"

"Scared? What would I be scared of? I'm the - "

" - Courtesan of Death. I know. Are you scared of me? Is it because I used to be the Shiroyasha?"

"N-no."

"Then what's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, I don't know what you're talkin' about! You - you caught me off guard. And sometimes you piss me off, but I don't completely hate you."

"Oh," he said. "I see. Do you even like me?"

Her throat swelled and rendered her almost mute.

"I - ! Of course I do. You know I do - but as friends - "

"You oughtta know that I've never seen you as a friend. You're fucking hot. Even if you were a drunk terminator, even if your psychotic shishou sliced me into pieces, even if Sa-chan has sent you those New Years cards saying that I'm married to her even though I'm not. I told you I'd follow you to hell or under the sheets."

"Gintoki..."

"See that? I hate that I love hearing you say my name like that. I might have a thing for you. And I hate it, but it's true."

"Even if what you're sayin' is true, I can't - I can't return your feelings. I like you too, but - I only like you as a friend."

"What's that supposed to mean? I thought you'd be different," he said, clearly unsatisfied with her reasoning.

"I'm not a woman you'd want," she said.

She'd hung up after that, knowing that in exactly an hour after her night patrol ended, she would probably burst into tears because she had done a very stupid thing. But he really did deserve better. She made herself repeat it until she fell asleep, dreaming of lifeless moons and suns in the sky.

-x-

"Tsukki?" A cool hand smoothed her forehead. "You've been laying in bed for a while. Are you sick?"

"No."

"Your eyes are a little puffy. Don't tell me someone made you cry - "

"I wasn't crying!" Instinctively Tsukuyo pulled herself out of bed and made her way to her closet. "What time is it?"

"Noon, darling." Hinowa looked at her, the worry beginning to etch premature lines on her eyes. "Tsukki, what's wrong? Can't you tell your big sister your problems just this once?"

"There's nothing wrong," Tsukuyo said, slipping into her black kimono and fishnet tights. She twisted her hair in a ponytail before extricating a hairpin from her mouth to secure it on top of her head. "I slept too late - doesn't mean that I was crying."

"I didn't say that it was," Hinowa said slowly. She was still kneeling at the edge Tsukuyo's futon, legs tucked in. "Does this have anything to do with Gin-san?"

All the tensions dropped from Tsukuyo like the air from a hot balloon. Her shoulder sagged and her throat swelled with emotion. She was never a good enough actress in front of Hinowa, who had known her inside and out from the day she was sold in Yoshiwara.

Looking up at her mentor, she smiled feebly. "I could never fool ya," Tsukuyo said softly. "You always knew everything."

"Of course I do," Hinowa said serenely.

The other woman put her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on top of her knees. In this way she resembled more of a girl than a fully grown woman; defensive yet vulnerable. Beautiful but unconfident. Weak and strong.

"I just hate how confused I am... about everything. I wish I never met him."

"You don't mean that."

"I do. Life was simpler for me when I didn't know who he was."

Hinowa started to pull out the mismash of pins from Tsukuyo's hair. Smoothing it out with her fingers, she then took a boar bristle brush to comb out the tangles.

"Tsukki, when I saw you after Jiraia burned himself during that terrible fire, I saw a lost girl. You didn't know what you were fighting for. All you could do was to help protect us, in your own small way. I remembered when Hosen locked me up, I loved you because we were both caged birds, and I envied you so because you still had the freedom to save others. The difference was you felt it more keenly than I."

"How could you not love the man who set you free, Tsukuyo? He freed you from all expectations. You don't need to stop being a woman and to stop loving others. You're being too hard on yourself."

"Well maybe freedom ain't all that great for me," she mumbled. "I can't even talk to him like a normal person. I hate how I get so damn flustered, like some fool on her first date. I hate how whenever I see him I get all giddy-like."

"Well maybe that's a good thing," the other replied. "It was about time you got a proper boyfriend anyway."

Her fingers deftly twisted Tsukuyo's hair into a relaxed, messy bun. "There, that looks better, doesn't it? I think Gin-san would appreciate you better like this. Your day-to-day hairstyle is so militant."

"..."

"Surely, I wasn't going to do that for nothing." Hinowa raised an eyebrow.

"But, Hinowa - "

"Don't you see? I'm the official captain of this ship," she explained with a bright smile. "I refuse to deny true love when I see it. Now go! I told the girls to take over your shift and I command you to confess your feelings for him!"

"... what ship are you talking about?"

-x-

If this had been a film, then it would have started raining and both of them would have met in the street while she confessed her undying love.

If this had been a drama she would have been hit by a car, entering the hospital in critical condition, complete with a sobbing Gintoki always vowing to stay by her side.

If this had been a trashy romance novel he would have swept her off her feet and carried her to the bedroom where unspeakable things would have been done that night.

But nay, unfortunately this was not a novel, or a film, or a drama. Such things would have been abominable to both of them anyway.

The fact of the matter was that Tsukuyo had stood for exactly forty minutes in front of the door debating whether love and or eternal humiliation was worth sacrificing for her dignity. She was about to ring the doorbell before freaking out and running downstairs at the sound of footsteps approaching the entrance.

Hiding beneath a crevice, she held her breath while Shinpachi laid out a mattress pad on the balcony of the upper front porch. She guessed that he was there to beat out all the dust for a bit of spring cleaning. She waited before he retreated back into the Yorozuya's apartment before she tiptoed out, intending to go back to Yoshiwara and avoid Hinowa for the rest of the day.

That was, of course, before she had stood in front of Otose's snack bar.

"Miss, you going to stand around here all day or what?" The wooden floor slid open to reveal an old woman with a cigarette between her fingers.

"I'm sorry - I didn't mean to loiter in front of your shop," Tsukuyo apologized.

"Well, I wasn't sure if you were going to come in, y'know. Just wanted to check."

"I'm sorry. I'm not here for a drink."

She took out her pipe and stuck it in her mouth. Somehow it'd been a comfort object, even if she wasn't smoking. It just made her feel better.

"So what's your name, miss?"

"Tsukuyo."

"Huh, ain't that pretty." The old woman knocked the ash off her cigarette stub. "Mine's Otose. I run this snack bar."

"Nice t'meet ya."

"What are you doing here anyhow? I don't see pretty girls like you hanging around this seedy neighborhood all that often."

Tsukuyo sighed. "I thought I was goin' to confess my feelings for an idiot, but I chickened out. Lame, huh?"

Otose snorted. "I know too many idiots in this place. Some live above me. You're probably better without him."

This advice was met with a profound silence. Tsukuyo took it as a sign to head back until she heard the raucous cries of a person behind her.

"OI! OLD LADY! I can finally pay the rent now!"

"Come down her and gimme the money, then!" Otose yelled in return. "Tch," she said in annoyance. "I swear I've got to kick them out someday."

A flash of silver passed down as the tenant ran down the stairs. "Finally! That damn client paid us." When Otose stretched her palm out, he grimaced as he gave her the envelope with a wad of cash in it.

"Glad to know it," the old lady said in clipped tones, tucking the money behind the folds of her kimono, making sure that no one could swipe it from her before she knew it. Catherine wasn't above stealing a few dollars if she could help it.

When she looked up, she was a bit startled to see the two of them looking at each other in silence, neither of them paying any attention to her.

Otose was sixty years old. She wasn't as much of an idiot as she was back when she was a married woman, and she easily saw the situation looming ahead. This woman had guts loving someone who was by nature a man that never settled down for anybody. But at the same time, Gintoki seemed just as entranced as she was. She supposed that grandchildren might be an viable option in the future...

Grandchildren. God, I'm getting too damn old.

It was Gintoki who finally spoke. "Oi. What are you doing here?"

"I - " Tsukuyo glanced at Otose, who shrugged (and smirked) and went back inside the shop to give the two some privacy. "I just - I don't know. I was just thinkin' that I was so scared of... of seeing you."

"Why?"

"Because I lied to myself and you ... I think I met someone that knows me better than I know myself, and that person is you."

"So you like me."

Her cheeks flushed hotly. "No! I mean - yes. Dammit, Gintoki, why do you have to make it so damn hard?"

"As I recall," he said slyly, "You were the one who couldn't come to terms with it."

"I couldn't help it," she said, turning her face away so that he wouldn't see her in such an embarrassing state. He was quietly amused by this.

"What made you decide to come here?"

"Because... " She paused, thinking about it. "Because I hate the way you look at me, the way that you always have a plan. I hate that you live life so carelessly, without regrets. And... I especially hate that I don't mind at all."

He was close to her now, very close that she could smell his shampoo. "That so, Tsukuyo?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah," she said.

"Then you should have said so a long time ago," he said.

"I couldn't. I - "

He interrupted her by tilting his head to kiss her on the lips.

Even though it was midday, the time where traffic was heaviest and people stared from afar, they stayed like that for a while.

-x-

There are Saturdays where he comes to the pachinko parlor down the south streets in the Yoshiwara district. He knows her patrols like the back of his hand. He picks a machine near a window and plays a few rounds. Then he'll see her stopping at a tea shop because she always takes a break at noon - five minutes minimum, fifteen maximum. He thinks she's the most beautiful when he sees her relaxed with not a care in the world.

Somehow she's the best and worst parts of him. He enters the shop and sees her staring out of the window. Then he'll tug slyly at her hair because she keeps it all tightly bound up and he'd rather see it tumble down like golden sunshine.

But the best part is when she turns her head - to yell at whomever it is, to stop pulling her hair - and then she'll see him. He'll see her eyes widen and her mouth flop open. And then, he'll see her lips curl into a shy smile, as if she (still) isn't used to any of this.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," she replies back.

- the end -

please review : )

After all, it's the first GinTsu I've written that doesn't involve hot sex :O It's so odd to me. I need teh lemonz. Maybe next time. ;)