Summary: AU Season 8 – Lies, torture and never-ending humiliation. What happens when Sam, depressed and on the verge of suicide after Dean's disappearance, stumbles across someone – or something – who he believes is his brother, but really isn't? Already vulnerable, it doesn't take much for Sam to completely and utterly break apart when his worst fears, worst memories and Hell flashbacks are thrown at him all over again. Will there be any hope left when Dean finally finds him…or is Sam lost forever? Humiliated/Tortured/Suicidal/Given-upSam, Livid/Desperate/Impatient/Comforting big brotherDean, Awesome/HelpfulCharlie and Unsympathetic/AngryCastiel

A/N- Okay, I know many of you are waiting on the next chapter of "Nothing I Fear", but I have come to the conclusion, after much thought, that I will be putting that story on hold for the time being. I haven't been "feeling" it, so to speak, lately and I've had this new idea floating around in my head for quite a while now and to tell you the truth, I've been more excited for this story then that one. I try these days to not start a new story w/o finishing my current one, but I'm going to have to make an exception in this case. I will finish "Nothing I Fear", I promise, just not any time soon. Hopefully as I'm writing this one, my creative juices will start flowing again and I'll feel more up to finishing it.

A/N2- Just a forewarning, this story is RATED M for prolonged graphic torture and the death of a major character. I normally don't write M-rated stories, I usually try to stay away from that rating for fear that I'm going too far…but I've decided to put that fear aside and just go with it. So if the subject matter causes you discomfort in any way, I recommend you don't read this. The torture in this story is extreme and what I put Sam through in some of my past stories will be nothing compared to this. Also one more thing…

A/N3- I HIGHLY recommend all fans of the character of Castiel to either stay away and not read this, as the character is not dealt with in a kind manner in this particular story, or please don't review (unless of course you can handle it). I am NOT a fan of Castiel and really, a part of the reason I'm doing it this way is to get some of my anger and frustration towards him out. So if you do by any chance read this – I won't stop you if you do – I ask you to please NOT send me hate reviews or hate PMs or asking me to change the plot because I won't and I'll just block you from commenting if that happens. I'm not putting this out there to be mean, I'm not that type of person, but I just want to make things clear because I won't be holding back in this story, hence the rating; I'm also going to be putting Author's Notes in every chapter, just in case anybody chooses to skim through this or just ignore it in general.

A/N4- Now that that's all out of the way…if any of my readers/followers are still with me…I hope you enjoy! Reviews are welcome!

Trapped in This Memory

Written by: Erin

Chapter 1

It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

It didn't matter if any of this was supposed to happen, if it was just destined to happen from the beginning or not. Any tiny sliver of hope that he had left inside of him was gone, vanquished…it had disappeared all too long ago, along with who he used to be. How long had it been actually? Months? Years?

It didn't matter.

Ever since…THAT happened all that time ago, the days, months and possibly years all blended together into one. But then again, what did it matter if he knew what time of day it was, what day or year it was? Monsters weren't supposed to know that; monsters weren't supposed to receive any of that hope or love that he vaguely remembered ever receiving throughout his life.

Monster. That was what he was. He was a monster and that's what he was going to be for the rest of eternity, he just knew it.

And he couldn't care less anymore.

After all, his brother never lied to him. He was always telling him the truth, no matter how painful it was; it wasn't the first time he had ever been called a monster, so this was nothing new. But now…now he knew the extent of what that word really meant. How could he had not seen it before when it was staring him in the face, when the word was thrown at him?

It doesn't matter, The monster's thoughts flowed through his brain and for the first time that day, he didn't even pay any attention to the scorching, red-hot poker pain flowing through his entire body,

I deserved it after all.

He deserved everything that was thrown his way and nobody could ever convince him otherwise. After all…his brother never lied to him. He always told him the truth. Dean always told him the truth.

Opening one hazel eye and taking in his surroundings again, the monster tilted his head back, not bothering to struggle against the chains that bound him and met Dean's hardened, green eyes from across the room. The monster stared straight into them and watched as the smirk appeared on his brother's face once again as he rose to his feet and walked towards him.

0000

2 years prior…

Sam's heart was hammering loudly in his chest as he looked around the now empty lab, save for himself, Kevin and Crowley, which was now covered in nothing but black goo. Dick Roman was dead, that was obvious; Dean and Castiel had killed him, he had seen it with his own two eyes…but where were his brother and the angel? The youngest Winchester's mouth was hanging open as sweat beaded on his brow and he met the Crossroad demon's dark eyes,

"Where are they, Crowley?!" He demanded once more, terror etched plainly in his trembling voice,

"What did you do-"

"Can't help you with that one, Sam," The demon smirked and rolled his eyes as he held up a hand to silent the hunter,

"You got what you wanted, didn't you?" He arched an eyebrow innocently and looked over Sam's shoulder at Kevin Tran, who had yet to move from where he was standing behind the younger Winchester brother,

"Dick's dead, you saved the world again, blah blah blah," Crowley rolled his eyes once again to the ceiling and allowed another cruel smile to stretch across his face,

"Sorry, Sam, wish I could help-"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sam demanded, his voice lowering slightly although the trembling never left it. He glanced around the room once again, at the black goo covering every inch of the place…what was Crowley trying to tell him? That Dean was dead? No, that wasn't even possible; it couldn't be possible,

"Tell me, Crowley!" Still making sure he was standing in front of Kevin to try and shield him as much as possible, the younger hunter glared furiously at the King of Hell,

"Or so help me God-"

"God?" Crowley snorted loudly,

"Oh, come on, moose, don't you know by now that GOD left the building a long time ago?" He was silent for a few moments before adding with a smile,

"Your brother's dead, by the way. You know, you should've checked that bone in advance before you decided to go and gank Dick Roman's ass." He shrugged his shoulders and smirked in Sam's direction,

"Those God bones tend to have a kink in them, you see?"

Sam was already shaking his head as Crowley was talking. Demons lied, they always lied and Crowley was no stranger to that; he had learned his lesson years ago when he had made the fatal mistake to trust Ruby, so why in the hell should he believe what the Crossroad's demon was saying? Dean wasn't dead, he wasn't; he would know if his big brother was gone forever…wouldn't he? Shaking his head in desperation once again, the youngest Winchester couldn't exactly answer that question honestly. Would he really be able to tell if Dean was indeed dead or not?

Yes, Castiel had taken the worst of his Hell hallucinations and memories, he had taken the insanity that was eating away at his own head from the results of his collapsed wall…but just because he was – for all intents and purposes – healed, that didn't mean that all memory of his time down in Lucifer's Cage was wiped clean from his mind. That didn't mean that it was clean slate.

He still knew what happened down there, he would always remember for the rest of his life, but the intensity and the pain he was experiencing from the collapsed wall was taken from him. But at the same time, the younger Winchester had only been healed barely even 2 months ago, he was still tired and even up until that very day, Sam still found himself looking over his shoulder for Lucifer and his voice ringing in his ears; he still found himself looking down at the long-healed scar on his left hand.

Stone number one, Dean had made that quite clear to him earlier that year. His big brother was, and always would be, that "stone number one". No matter what they had been through, no matter who they had lost along the way – friends, family and most recently, Bobby – they were each other's stone number one and that was something Sam always had to remind himself, both in his head and physically.

But what if that "stone number one" was taken from him? What if that "stone number one" in the form of his big brother just…disappeared? Died? Then what?

A few tears built up in Sam's large, hazel eyes as he stared straight at Crowley, still shaking his head,

"You're lying…" He choked up, pushing back the tears that were threatening to fall at any minute. Crying in front of his bastard was the last thing he was going to do,

"Where's my brother, you son of a bitch?!" His hands trembling madly, the hunter reached into his back pocket and pulled out Ruby's demon-killing knife, holding it in front of him so that the demon could see it,

"Where is he?"

Not one to be swayed so easily by Sam Winchester and his threats, Crowley shook his head and let out a long sigh,

"Moose, you never learn, do you?" His smirk widened as he looked Sam straight in the eye,

"Your brother and that pet angel of yours…let's just say you won't be seeing them again any time soon." Fake sympathy formed on his face as he said his next words,

"Oh, don't look so glum, Sam. Things could be worse." With a quick head tilt and jerk of his hand, Crowley watched as he flung Sam's body to the other side of the room, ignoring the younger hunter's cries as he was stuck to the wall, right over a large pile of black goo…for all Sam knew, could be leftover remains of his brother himself.

"Sam!" Kevin cried out, speaking up for the first time in the last couple of minutes as he watched what was taking place between the demon and the hunter. Before he could say or do anything else, however, he felt himself unable to move from his very spot and soon found himself face to face with the Crossroad's demon,

"What do you want?"

"What do I want?" Crowley smirked and shot a wide-eyed look over at Sam, who was currently shouting curses his direction, but the demon ignored it and continued,

"I'll tell you what I want, what I need." He stepped away from Kevin for a brief moment and glared dangerously over at Sam, who was struggling relentlessly,

"What I need is for Winchester Jumbo Size to not follow me, to not come after me, to not KILL me…and I know that he would do just that if I ended up taking this dear ol' prophet over here." He narrowed his eyes at Kevin hatefully,

"You don't matter. We can always replace you with someone who won't attempt to run and hide. It's that easy."

"W-What?" The young prophet stuttered, confusion flowing through his body,

"What do you mean 'replace me'? Replace me to do what-"

Before the young, confused prophet could continue and before Sam knew what was happening, the next thing the hunter heard was the snap of Crowley's fingers and he gasped loudly as the young human's body exploded right in front of his very eyes. Sam didn't even have time to comprehend what was happening until it was too late and he closed his hazel eyes tightly as he felt Kevin's blood dripping down his own body and onto the floor. Loud, harsh gasps escaped Sam's lips and he forced his eyes open and immediately wished he had kept them shut when all he saw, on top of the black goo from Dick Roman's death, was dark red blood dripping off the walls and his own body.

And Crowley was nowhere to be found.

With a harsh gasp, Sam soon felt himself sliding off of the wall and collapsed in a heap in dark red blood – Kevin's blood – on the floor, right next to the demon-killing knife, which had fallen from his hand.

"Oh my God…" Nearing hyperventilation, the younger Winchester brother shakily rose to his feet and nearly collapsed back onto the floor,

"Oh my God…Kevin…"

This couldn't be happening; Kevin Tran was never supposed to have gotten involved in this to begin with! He was just an innocent kid, minding his own business; he was supposed to go to college and make a life for himself! He had his whole life ahead of him…and now, now all that was taken away from him in just a matter of seconds.

All because of him. All because he was unable to protect him, to shield him from Crowley and his demons. The kid was now dead – DEAD! – because of Sam Winchester, the very hunter who caused trouble and damage to everything and anything he touched.

Never-ending guilt tore through Sam's body and he soon felt himself shaking once again from head to toe and he collapsed in a heap again on the ground in Kevin's blood, feeling the red liquid seep through his jeans and watched it drench his hands. But the young man paid no attention to it.

This was all his fault.

Kevin was dead, killed, murdered. Castiel was most likely dead…or just disappeared; he was an angel, what happened to angels in situations like this? And Dean…

"Dean…?" Sam whispered to himself, finally allowing a few tears to fall from his pained eyes and down his cheeks. If Dean saw him now…he could only imagine the kind of disappointment he would be bringing to his older brother, what kind of anger. He had already let his brother down one too many times over the years; the things he had done and the ways he had betrayed Dean…he never deserved to be forgiven for any of that shit, but his brother had always had it in his heart to do it anyways and now, just when they were getting closer again despite everything…he had once again let him down in the worst way imaginable,

"Dean…"

0000

The explosion was powerful and disastrous, nearly knocking Sam right off of his feet as the ground practically shook under him. Before collapsing next to the classic Chevy Impala, which had been driven straight through a glass sign by Meg hours earlier, the younger Winchester shot one desperate look behind him as SucroCorp – the entire building, the lab, everything – exploded and fire balls shot into the air, the smoke surrounding him making it difficult for Sam to breathe.

Letting out a hacking cough, one that racked through his entire body as he stumbled over towards Dean's beloved Impala and collapsed beside her rear tire, Sam cringed as he stared straight off into the distance at what used to be the building where those dreaded Leviathans would plot to destroy the world again.

But they had already destroyed the world…his world at least. What kind of world was there when Dean wasn't in it? Cheeks flushed red from the heat surrounding him on all sides, Sam let out as many easy breaths as he could, but he was still finding it difficult to breathe. Coughing harshly once again, the younger man knew that there was only one thing he had to do right now and that was to get out of here as quickly as possible.

Kevin was dead. Cas was possibly dead and Dean was dead. He was all alone right now and who knew what other kind of trouble would follow him if he stayed on his ass?

Not that that mattered anyways…but he still knew that Dean would kill him himself if he didn't get his ass out of here now.

Wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, attempting to get some of the grime and dirt out of them, Sam slowly stumbled to his feet, but nearly collapsed back onto the ground when his knee buckled from under him,

"Goddamnit!" He hissed, feeling an intense pain slicing through his leg, but after a few tense seconds, Sam bit his lip and chose to ignore that agony as he pushed himself all the way up again. No pain could ever compare to the pain in his heart from Dean's death; no pain could ever match up to the empty feeling that was creeping into his chest and into his heart.

That empty, hollow feeling…one that he completely remembered all those years ago when the Trickster had placed him into a time loop, forcing him to relive Dean's death over and over again, before taking him away permanently for 6 months…and worst of all, being forced to watch that same big brother being torn apart by Hellhounds in front of his very eyes. No matter how many years passed, it didn't matter; it still felt just like yesterday and it would never go away. That same hollow feeling was back at full force; that place in his heart where Dean always resided…Gone.

Pushing aside any leftover tears that were threatening his eyes as guilt, despair and grief threatened to tear him apart, Sam leaned against the Impala's back door and rested his head on the top of the car.

What was he supposed to do now? Was there anybody even left in his life that could help him get Dean back? No demons would ever deal with him; witches were out of the question and the King of Hell himself had said that his big brother was dead. All of their friends and family were dead and gone as well…Reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out his cell phone, Sam breathed his first sigh of relief in hours when he saw that, despite a cracked screen, the battery was still working and after a quick scroll through his contacts, his heart nearly skipped a beat when he came across two names that he had almost forgotten about.

Two names, two friends who weren't dead…two people who just might be able to help him. They might be able to help him figure out whether Crowley was lying straight through his teeth about his brother or whether Dean…Well, Sam didn't even want to think of that other option.

Because in reality, a life without his brother by his side – it didn't matter what type of version of Dean he ended up with – was much, much worse then not having him at all.

Wiping a hand down his face, Sam let out a shaky breath as he clutched his phone in one hand and then attempted to open the Impala's front door with the other, thankfully finding it still being able to open despite being smashed into a plate of glass. Glancing down at the ignition, he let out one more breath when he spotted the car keys still dangling there, as if Meg had crashed the car and took off, leaving Dean's Baby where anybody could get to her. Pulling the keys out of the ignition and sticking them in his pocket for the time being, Sam scrolled down to the name Jody Mills on his phone and hit "Send". Holding his breath as he expected to hear ringing on the other end of the line, the youngest Winchester soon let it out and closed his eyes tightly, devastation flooding him when the automated voice sounded in his ear,

"The number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please check the number and dial again."

With a shake of his head, Sam hit "End" before going to the next name he had his eye on – Garth – and once again hit the "Send" button. This was his very lost option; if Garth didn't pick up, if his number was disconnected or worse…if he was dead-

"Took you long enough, moose."

Sam's eyes widened in shock, then horror, as the familiar voice spoke in his right ear. No. No, this was not happening,

"Crowley."

"I'm surprised, moose," Sam could tell, just from the demon's words, that he was sneering on the other end of the line,

"Did you really think you would be able to call these last remaining friends and NOT have me know about it? Really, Sam, do I look that dumb to you?"

"Where's Garth, Crowley?" Sam demanded, his voice shaking with each syllable.

"Oh, he's right beside me," The demon replied, removing the phone from his ear and placing it on speaker phone and before Sam could even comprehend what was happening, or try and figure out whether Crowley was lying again, Garth's frightened voice sounded over the phone.

"Sam, don't do anything that he says-"

"Now, I'd say that's enough talk for now," Crowley snickered, clicking the speaker off and placing it back to his ear,

"Now you know I'm not lying to you, Sammy."

"Why are you doing this?" The younger Winchester's voice choked up as he spoke the few words and he shook his head,

"Why are you doing this, Crowley?"

"Why do you think, Gigantor?" The Crossroad's demon demanded with a roll of his eyes as he turned his attention to the skinny hunter he had tied to a chair in the middle of the room, the knife he had in his hand pressed against Garth's throat,

"Let's see, Kevin was just in the way – but you already know that – I can easily replace him with a new prophet to do what needs to be done…one that doesn't even know you bloody Winchesters."

"What are you talking about?" Sam demanded, his heart racing as he took in Crowley's words. He was growing more and more confused by the second.

Ignoring Sam's voice, the demon smiled as blood starting dripping from Garth's neck from the knife,

"Course, I can't have you going around doing all of that; I couldn't have you and that brother of yours go around killing me and I know how much that dear ol' brother of yours means to you and I know you won't have any other family or friends left after this." He smiled as heard what sounded exactly like a choked sob coming from the other end of the phone,

"So this is the easiest way to deal with the trouble I like to call you two." He paused,

"Any last words?"

"Crowley, don't-" Before Sam could finish, the unmistakable sound of gasping and choking came on the other end of the line and the younger man clenched the phone tighter in his hand as he shouted,

"Garth! Garth, answer me!"

"Till next time, moose."

And the line went dead.

"No…no, no, no, no…" Sam was nearing hyperventilation as the only sound he heard in his ear now was the familiar buzzing of a dead line,

"No, please God, no…" Tears building up in his eyes and starting to slowly run down his cheeks against his will, Sam looked down at his phone and pressed Jody Mills' number one last time, slowly nearing complete and utter despair.

"The number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please check the number and dial again."

Did Crowley get to Jody as well? Kevin and Garth were now dead because of him…killed by Crowley, just because he was trying to save as many people as he could…but what about Jody?

With another shake of his head, Sam let out a loud growl and threw his phone to the ground right beside his feet and watched the pieces shatter before burying his face deep into his hands. This was all his fault. All of it.

Crowley was right. He really was well and truly on his own.

0000

All he saw around him was darkness and the only sounds he heard coming from all directions were growling and hissing of the very monsters he and Sam hunted. Pushing himself up to his feet and rising to take in his surroundings, Dean's green eyes widened in shock and fear as realization soon set in. It didn't take a genius to figure out where exactly he was.

Purgatory.

That was the only logical explanation after having killed Dick Roman with Castiel at his side.

"Shit," He growled to himself as he stood as still as a statue. This was not good, not good at all,

"Cas?" He took a step forward and looked around him, hoping to find the familiar angel somewhere nearby; after all, Castiel had been with him when they had sent Dick Roman packing…but where was he know? He was right beside him when everything had gone down, so he had to have been sent here as well, but the familiar trench-coat wearing angel was nowhere to be seen, even in the darkness, which Dean's eyes were slowly starting to get used to,

"Cas!"

But instead of the familiar sound of the angel's voice telling him he was nearby, that he hadn't deserted him, Dean's fear picked up as he soon realized he was very much alone in a place reserved for monsters only. Which meant…if he was in Purgatory and Castiel was nowhere to be found…where did that leave Sam? The last time he had seen his baby brother, he had just barged into the lab with Kevin on his heels and right before his entire world had dissolved into nothing but blackness, he had seen a look of terror etched on Sam's face.

"Sammy…" He breathed out as he looked around him once more as the snarling noises of the monsters grew closer.

0000

TBC