Chapter Twenty-Six: Where No Witch or Wizard Has Gone Before!

Friday was a decided improvement over the rest of the week. I was looking forward to shagging Granger and I was carrying myself with my normal swagger. Not to mention the cosmos seemed to be on my side for once. Astoria was too busy with her friends to pay me much attention so I actually had a peaceful meal once I was able to drown out Pansy's excited screams over post from Marcus Flint. My first class was Potions and it took everything out of me not to make eyes at Granger during the whole period. I sat next to Lavender Brown and she chattered incessantly about her night of passion with Won Won, causing me to dump an entire bottle of lacewig wings into her potion behind her back in retaliation. Her potion exploded all over her and she received a fail, while mine was the perfect shade and thickness. Slughorn gave me a pass!

In Defence Against the Dark Arts, Professor Snape complimented my stunning spell ("Not bad, Malfoy. Not good at all, but not bad!"). Maybe his blow-up doll gave him some superior shags over Christmas break which had him in a good mood. Whatever the reason, there was a spring in my step. In Transfigurations, I completed my quiz with new confidence. I hated to admit it, but Granger was a good tutor. I was completely certain I'd aced the test. Even in Divinations, Trelawney said I was "giving off a new aura". Now I'm NOT saying I believe any word that drunk goat spews out but it was honestly the only positive thing she's ever said while looking in my direction. I was feeling in control of my life and fairly… upbeat!

After the last class of the day, Crabbe and Goyle trailed me to the dining room.

"You'd better not decide you need us to guard you last minute tonight," grumbled Crabbe. "I have to rise very early to meet a few people to study Ancient Runes—"

"Crabbe, you wouldn't know an ancient rune if it bit you on the arse," I smirked, shoving his shoulder. "Anyway, I'm busy tonight but I'll let you know when I need you next."

He punched me back a little harder than necessary. "I mean it, Malfoy! Shit! I'm tired of being your bitch! It's gone on far too long. The least you could do is tell us what you're bloody up to!"

"Up to? I'm not up to anything. Quit whining. You sound like a little girl," I said and then smiled brightly. "Oh, right. You sort of are a little girl, aren't you, Crabbe?"

Goyle burst out into sniggers. "Crabbe's a little girl. Heh heh!"

"Oy! Come on, Greg! You're on my side," Crabbe declared. "Just this morning you agreed that Malfoy needs to be taught a lesson—"

I wheeled around and stared up at Goyle with a dangerous expression. "You agreed with what?"

"Oh, I—er—uh—nothing, I—" Goyle sputtered, looking terrified.

Crabbe smacked a fist into his other hand. "Greg, I've had it up to here with your indecisive behavior! You're such a yes-man."

"And you're a snake in the grass," I drawled at Crabbe loudly. "Why, only last year you were more than happy to do my bidding—"

"Well, doing your bidding used to be okay because school wasn't as important to me, Malfoy! I was soul-searching and figuring myself out. But after the O. my mind was opened and I'm really very interested in working for the ministry. I feel that working in politics is sort of my forte—"

"The ministry?" I scoffed. "What would you of all people do at the ministry? You haven't the disposition for politics, Crabbe!"

"Oh, you're right, Malfoy. You're so right. I've got absolutely no experience holding relationships with greedy, twisted people who manipulate everyone they wish so that they can hold power and esteem over the little blokes! I obviously don't know anyone like that so I'm sure I would be right shite at working for politicians, Malfoy," he said in a vehement tone.

I nodded. "Exactly! At least you know your limits—"

"You're so obtuse!" Crabbe growled. "More than once, Potter has spied Goyle'n me in the corridor and I just know he's going to tell someone soon, and then you'll be fixed! Then we'll all be fixed!"

"Perhaps Potter's seen you and Goyle, but he's seen you as other people, dumb arse!" I retorted, throwing up my hands.

"But what if he sees the three of us together? You're supposed to be clever, Malfoy! Haven't you ever considered that it would be more prudent if YOU were the one masquerading as a little girl?" Crabbe demanded. "I mean, wouldn't THAT be a better plan?"

Goyle burst anew into sniggers. "Malfoy as a little girl. Heh heh heh."

I ignored Gregory and fixed Vincent with a glower. "Oh, you're such a genius," I woobled. "Stand down, everyone! Here comes Crabbe the Philosopher!" A few first year Hufflepuffs gawked at my loud voice and watched as I made a deep bow to him. I immediately snapped back up. "NO, because then it would be obvious it was me as a girl! We'd ALL have to be girls for that to work, stupid!"

"Well, why can't we, Malfoy?" Crabbe shouted. "Why can't we all be little girls?"

"I would be HAPPY to be a little girl with you, Crabbe, if that's what you want! Will it make you quit whining? WOULD YOU BLOODY STOP COMPLAINING IF WE WERE ALL LITTLE GIRLS?" I hollered.

Crabbe smacked me in the shoulder and jerked his head to the side. I followed his gaze. Potter was lurking behind a statue of a one-armed knight, trying to listen to our conversation. At once, he took off running in the opposite direction.

Crabbe breathed out. "That was close. Honestly, Malfoy. You're going to get us all expelled. And then I'd really be angry."

We bickered throughout supper until I cast a silencing charm on Crabbe so everyone could get some quiet. It was difficult to focus on anything but my meeting with Granger. Once back in the dormitories, I decided I'd better get ready. I wondered if we were actually going to bathe in the Prefect Baths or if we were just meeting there. To be safe, I took a long, steaming hot shower and scrubbed every inch of my body. After all, I'd been working hard in class all day and I did not want to reek of potions ingredients. Ode de Snoitbloit Liver Juice is not my preferred scent, thank you very much. I selected a very flattering black shirt and the trousers that best showed off my assets. With that, I set off to meet Granger.

As I wheeled out of the Slytherin dormitory entrance, I ran right into Longbottom. He let out a small cry and fell right over. "What are you doing here?" I sniggered, poking his leg with the toe of my boot. "Lost, no doubt! Do you need to take my arm and have me direct you back to your own common room? Did you forget your own name? Did you forget you were a Gryffindor? I thought you had a Remembrall for that. Did you lose that, too?" I didn't get to see Longbottom much anymore as we weren't in many of the same courses so I hadn't been able to insult him much lately. I had to get in as many insults as I could, you know?

"Er—hello, Malfoy," he greeted weakly, getting to his feet and brushing himself off. "No, I'm fine. I'm just waiting for… er—someone."

I raised my eyebrow, a smirk curling on my lips. "You are the worst liar there ever was. Out with it, Longarse! Who in the blazes would you of all people be meeting up with?"

"I-uh-don't know," he muttered, going bright scorching red. "Study group. Herbology. I'm tutoring. I'm. Er. I'm…" he backed up against the wall and looked left and right.

"You must have a death wish if you're actually meeting someone from my house. You must hate yourself," I said, advancing on him and hoping my presence would drive the answer out of him.

But he just shrugged. "Maybe so," he said in a plain voice.

I was a bit stunned by that answer and so I sauntered away. After all, I didn't care that much about Notnormal Smallprick's dealings. That little sod was so boring, he likely was holding an Herbology study group.

Once at the Prefect baths, I did as Granger had requested and knocked three times.

"Er… Draco?" came her high, clear voice from inside.

"Yes," I replied, unable to mask a small smile. I heard Granger mumbling several counter-hexes and the locks began to pop open. The door creaked and pulled forward. I stepped inside, running a hand through my bangs. "Evening," I greeted.

She shut the door and locked it again, and then her eyes searched my face. "What's that look for?" she asked softly, and put her arms around my shoulders.

"Oh nothing. Just looking forward to getting shagged," I said, placing my hands on her waist. She clucked her tongue and rolled her eyes. "By you, specifically," I said quickly, with a smirk.

"That's nice," Granger said in a bit of a sarcastic tone. "You're really smooth, aren't you?"

"I don't like the implication that you think I'm not. When I want to joke, I joke. But when I want to impress a girl, I can stand up to the occasion," I said in a deep whisper and pulled her against me. She gave a surprised yelp as I pressed my lips firmly against hers and trailed my hands hungrily down her body. She shuddered as I moved my mouth to her ear. "Oh Granger, I've been thinking about being inside you all fucking day. Scratch that. Actually since last night when you left me out to dry—"

"Sorry," she said breathily, and moaned as I swiped my tongue across her earlobe and neck. "I can imagine that was no fun."

"It was okay once I wanked one out—"

"Draco, that's kind of disgusting," she chortled. "You certainly have a way with words—"

"For having all blokes as friends, you certainly get offended easily. And I'm not even that disgusting. Honestly, all my friends say I'm slightly abnormal in how not disgusting I am. You think I'm disgusting? You should hear a few conversations in my dorm room; I've had to clean my ears out many a time—"

"It's not like I don't know how some boys talk!" she declared. "But I suppose Harry and Ron and I just don't discuss those things—"

-"Oh, right," I interrupted. "Because Potter's a virgin and no one wants to hear whatever Weasel Bee and Lav Lav cook up for their evenings of succulent pleasure…"

"Ugh!" Granger said darkly. "Can we please not discuss that?

"Of course. I've had enough of that for one day. She wouldn't shut up today in Potions about how Weasley found her—"

Granger grabbed my shoulder. "Stop! Can't you just say something nice for once instead of petty gossip or nastiness?"

I took a fistful of her hair and leaned into her ear again. "If you want me to say nice things, I can say nice things. Do you want me to tell you what I was thinking about last night?" She nodded, and I moved behind her, massaging her breasts through her shirt strongly with both hands. "I was thinking about making you come by fingering you. I was thinking about my tongue inside your tight pussy. I was thinking about your lips around my cock, and you on top—"

"God, yes, Malfoy—take your clothes off. I got the bubbles going. Let's continue this in the tub."

She didn't need to tell me twice. I stripped down, watching her all the while as she did the same. She pulled her hair back and shimmied out of her jumper and jeans, revealing dark blue pants and a matching bra. I stared hungrily as she unhooked her bra, piling it neatly with the rest of her clothes on the chaise lounge on the side of the pools. I folded up my clothes and added them to the pile, flinging off my black briefs and stretching. Hermione threw me a mischievous grin and approached me, gripping me by my thin thighs. "What's that for?" I asked and bit my lip as her fingers trailed my inner leg.

"I like your body, Draco," she said, and went a bit red. With that, she removed her hands and walked to the edge of the large tub, testing the water with her toe. Deep purple bubbles were pulsing out of the jets and the water was steaming up.

I ran up behind her and shoved her in. She shouted out a protest as she hit the water. "Malfoy!" she yelled, and swam to the side of the tub, trying to grab me by the legs.

"No way, Granger. You can't get me!" I gloated, and then jumped in, landing next to her. The water was pleasantly hot and the bubbles smelled like lavender. I followed Granger to the edge of the tub where we sat side-by-side on the heated seats. "So, why did I never see you in here fifth year? I used to be in here all the time—"

"I know," she responded at once and then looked down at my questioning gaze. "I mean—it was kind of obnoxious because I was always doing hallway patrol and I heard you and Parkinson were constantly reaping the benefits of being Prefects while not actually doing much at all. You were spending all your time lounging about in here or sucking up to Professor Umbridge!"

I sighed. "I wasn't shirking my Prefect duties, Granger. Umbridge wouldn't stand for that. I was her Golden Boy, her darling—"

"That's so gross! Please stop talking now," Hermione said in a solemn tone and swatted my shoulder.

"Don't get me wrong. I hated that ugly bitch—"

"Honestly, Draco. Don't talk about the teacher that way!"

"I can't help it. She was an ugly old bitch. But I saw the benefit in aiding her and I took it—"

-"Yes, you were completely vile—"

I snorted. "Can we get back on the subject, please? Anyway, I wasn't abandoning my duties. Pansy and I were actually the best prefects there were because we did special night rounds and made certain everything around the school was in order. Of course, that was how we ended up shagging so I'm not exactly proud of myself. Boredom and the realization our virginity pact had to be fulfilled." I winced. "I would have liked to have left that Tarot card unturned."

"Right so, you were the best prefects there were because you went around shagging everywhere you could all night?" asked Hermione tersely.

"Everywhere? All night? We shagged once. Making our shag total the grand amount of twice. Pansy and I have done other things a great deal but not fucking—"

"Oh," she responded in a tone I couldn't interpret. "That's really interesting. I somewhat assumed you two were always…" She trailed off. "Well, I just don't want to discuss it."

"What do you care, anyway?" I challenged with a leer.

"I don't," she said with a quick shrug of her shoulders. "I just don't really believe you were the best prefects there were—"

"You might be biased and beside yourself with misinformation, but allow me to inform you that Pans and I are the top of year, aside from bossy old you! She's not just an evil slut—she's actually not a bad student. And obviously, I'm a genius." Granger made a face that told me she was holding back laughter. "Well, perhaps exactly a genius, but I'm very smart. And how was Weasley made a prefect anyway?" I demanded.

Hermione bristled, covering herself with soap suds. "Ron's also very smart. He's just lazy. But he shows lots of aptitude in school especially in Transfigurations and Defence Against the Dark Arts—"

"Yes, but don't even ask him to boil a pot of water in Potions or we'd all be doomed," I laughed, leaning back languidly with my arms behind my head. She glared at me. "So were you and the Weasel always sneaking off to shag or what?" The thought alone caused me to feel a bit sick, especially since Lav-Lav had been very informative about how good Weasley was in the sack. I wondered if he had a bigger prick than me. Was he more talented with his tongue? Ugh, I hoped Granger hadn't done him—

"Absolutely not," she said, her cheeks going pink. "Ron doesn't think of me that way."

I considered her choice of words. "And you think of him how?" I asked in a sharper tone than I'd meant to.

"I don't know anymore," she said despondently. "He's my friend and I think Lavender Brown, while not a horrible person, just isn't right for him. Ron's a decent bloke. He's one of the kindest people I've met and—"

"Look, Granger, do you fucking fancy him or what?" I snapped. The air suddenly seemed very thick. The bath was too hot. The bubbles were suffocating me. I had to leave, had to go, had to get out of there! The horrible, horrible Prefect bath! Why did I ever agree to come to this sweltering, dreadful place!? I tried to take a few deep breaths and forced a laugh. "I don't care, obviously. It just seems rather like you're on about him or something which is just sweet. You can live in a one room shack together and have hundreds of freckled children for all I care—"

"Shut it!" Hermione said strongly, and splashed water in my face.

"Ahhh, Granger!" I fussed. "You could have gotten that in my eyes!"

"I don't think I fancy him!" she said loudly.

"You don't think?" I burst out.

"I used to, for a BIT! But not now. He's too good of a friend. He's also not interested in me!"

I sniggered. "Hermione, if you told him you'd shag him I bet he'd drop his trousers for you straight away. You might be a wacky, high-strung nerd but you've got superior tits and you're fantastic in bed. So, do me a favor and don't give Weasley the option. I don't want to share you with him of all people," I said slyly, and went in to kiss her.

"First off, you don't get to tell me who I can or can't shag. We've discussed this, Malfoy," she trilled, pushing my face away, and I groaned aloud. "Second, you're beginning to sound a bit…" She seemed to be searching for the right word. "Jealous."

"I'm not even remotely jealous. I just don't want to share you with him. Shag anyone else. Well, except Potter. But he's definitely not interested in you or any other girl besides his dead mother, he's rather sweet on her—"

"DRACO!" she shouted. "That's so evil! It's really, really mean!"

I stared at her with a half-smirk. "So what? I'm evil. And really, really mean. Newsflash."

"There are limits, Draco. Don't talk about his dead parents! It makes you sound twisted! And it makes me feel guilty for shagging you when you act like that—"

"You want to talk about guilt? My father wrote me a letter from prison congratulating me on keeping to the family expectations and told me how much he loved me! My father doesn't love anything except cold weather, hair products and these fancy chocolate biscuits he gets imported from France! If my father OR my mother knew what I was doing with you, I'd be. . . Well, I don't want to find out. And it's not just that! It's so much more than that!"

She stared at me like I'd just pledged allegiance to Helga Hufflepuff. "We're not talking about your guilt right now," she informed me. "We're talking about how you shouldn't say such nasty things about my friends that make you sound like a demented arsehole. Where do you get off saying something like that?"

"I…" I stopped talking, not because I was searching for an excuse or a subject change but because I honestly had never been asked that question. Half the things that flew out of my mouth were to get a few laughs from my friends who knew my sense of humor or to elicit a funny, negative response from other people. "I don't know. Sorry, but that's my answer. It's not even like I think about. I just say it."

"That's a terrible quality," she commented dryly. "Definitely not something a genius would admit to doing. If you're jealous, admit you are. Don't make cracks about someone's dead parents. It's not amusing."

"It's not like he knew them! Why does he care?"

"Malfoy!" she huffed. "Imagine if your parents were dead—"

"How dare you!" I shouted.

-"You've already made my point for me, but I'll go on to really drive it home. What if your parents died and someone, say Harry, mocked you endlessly and rubbed it in your face that they were dead?"

I scowled and crossed my arms. "I suppose I wouldn't be very happy. There. I said it. Now can we drop it?"

"You can think whatever foul things you like but if I'm going to have sex with you it's not good foreplay for me to hear you insult my friends or their parents. Understand?"

"YES," I whined. "I understand. I apologize, okay?! I just don't want you to shag Weasley and Potter."

She grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to her. "Stop moping. I'm not going to have sexual relations with either of them. Though not because you asked me to."

"Fine," I smirked. "What do I care, as long as I get my way."

"I suppose you would be fine with me telling you not to shag certain girls!" she said, a bit hotly.

"Depends, Granger. Who don't you want me to fuck? Who would make you jealous?" I taunted.

She shook her head. "I wouldn't be jealous. And I'm not expecting you to refrain from shagging anyone. I don't play manipulative games with people. But I do want to know why it is you're so against me shagging my two best friends when I've clearly told you I don't want to."

"Because," I said, and closed my eyes, lounging back again. I stroked her hand. "I think it's inappropriate, that's all. Your best friends are two boys."

"Your best friends are a gay male and a girl you've been experimenting with since childhood. I think you're treading on very dangerous territory, Malfoy and you're going to lose," she muttered.

I opened one eye. "I'm not a homosexual and I don't want to sack Parkinson ever again. I wouldn't say they're my best friends anyway! They're my two worst friends. Crabbe and Goyle were my best friends but they're nothing to me after tonight. And I definitely don't want to shag either of them."

"I don't want to be with Harry or Ron! So we're even."

"Good," I said abruptly, sitting up. "Now can you please stop lecturing me? I won't mock Pottie's family in front of you. At least for the rest of the evening." She sighed loudly. "What? That's a big deal for me. You know it is. And I said I was sorry. And I mean it. I think." Whether I meant it or not could be decided later. Right now, I just wanted to get off with her.

"You gave me an apology. A half-arsed one, but an apology all the same," commented Granger. "And I didn't even need to call you a ferret."

I made a rude gesture at her. "Come on, Granger. Did you bring me here to fight or fuck?"

"Having serious conversations isn't fighting, Malfoy," she said quietly, and ran her hand down my chest. "Like I've said, you're good in bed. And if I don't take you too seriously, I can try to forgive the rest. Tell me more about what you thought about last night."

I grabbed her chin and drew her in for a hard kiss, biting her lip. "I told you already. But I can tell you what I thought about when I woke up this morning."

"You thought about me when you woke up?" she breathed. I pulled her through the soapy water to my lap.

"I thought about shagging you without pity. No frills. I thought about getting mine and leaving you begging me to suck your clit." I snaked my hand between her legs and kept it wedged close enough to her privates that her breathing quickened but far enough away that my fingertips only brushed against her. "Using you," I said deeply.

"That would certainly be interesting," she said formally, her breathing heavy. "Would you? Would you leave me or would you make me come?"

"It depends on whether I was in the mood," I said, feigning nonchalance. She moaned as I toyed casually with her clit for a few seconds and then pulled back.

"I think I might like that sometime," she whispered. "But now let me tell you what I thought about last night when I went to bed."

My eyes lit up and a proud expression played on my face. "Did you think about me?" I asked delightedly. That was just about the hottest thing a girl could say. If a girl was thinking about me while she was getting off, it meant I was doing something correctly. It meant I was inside her head.

Hermione nodded slowly and looked a bit nervous. "It was very nice—"

"Very nice? Come on, I want the juicy details. What was I doing? Was I fantastic?" I urged her, kissing her neck faster and faster. "Was this the first time you thought about me? Were you finger-frigging yourself during or what? Tell me."

"Hush and I'll tell you. I imagined us in the bath like we are now," she said quietly. "Snogging and touching each other." I immediately put my mouth to hers and she groaned pleasurably. "You were touching me like—" she grabbed my hands and put them on her chest and I massaged her tits roughly—" like this. Oh, God. And in my mind, you looked so attractive but you look even better in real life, right now—"

"Well, that's a relief," I said mockingly. She shushed me again and so instead I brought my mouth to her ear and breathed there. "Then what?" I mumbled.

"You wanted me to explore your body," she replied in a small voice and planted a soft kiss on my cheek, then my forehead, and when I closed my eyes she kissed me on them, too. Her lips felt so good against my skin that I sighed aloud and leaned back against the side, my arms relaxed. She moved to the side of me, her hand tweaking my nipple. The water around us gave our touching a slow, intense feel that was a bit hard to handle.

"And then what did we do?" I grunted, my groin beginning to twitch to life as Hermione brought her hand into my lap.

"This," she said, and began to stroke my hardening member as I breathed out slowly. With her other hand, she felt my back and then my arms. She dragged her nails down the small of my back, making sharp traces there. With the hand on my cock, she began tugging vigorously and lightly squeezing the head.

"Oh, Merlin, Merlin—Hermione," I yelped as she hurried the speed. I closed my eyes tightly again and felt her lips, her gorgeous lips, on my ears and neck. She nuzzled the crook of my neck and bit me there, hard. I squirmed in the heavy water, gritting my teeth and gripping the edge of the tub with eager fingers.

"And you asked me to make you feel really good," she said, the hand on the small of my back stopping its lazy, scratching traces. She spread her hand out and placed her palm on my lower back, then gripped my arse almost tentatively. Her speed on my shaft slowed and instead she palmed my sac. With the hand on my arse she made slow circles, feeling my posterior. I was glad she appreciated my fine maximus—I did a lot of Quidditch work to make it as sexy as it was. Honestly, she seemed to really be liking it, as she was massaging it deeply. And just as I was drifting into a blissful turned-on stupor, Granger did something Unspeakable: She slipped her palm between my arse cheeks and swiped what felt like two fingers (but might have been more!) against my very private hole!

I made a sound between a shout and a shriek and flailed my arms, resulting in a huge splash of water. "What are you—no! You can't—no ! What are you doing ?"

Granger's brown eyes widened and she immediately withdrew her hand. "Malfoy—I'm sorry!" she cried out. "I'm sorry! I thought—"

"What did you think?" I hissed. "What could have possibly gone through your mind? Have you been talking to Professor Snape?" I paused. "Or Blaise? Have you been talking to him!?"

She looked completely bewildered. "What are you implying?"

"Blaise—told me to! He told me I'd know whether or not I was a pouf if I shoved my wand—and I let it slip to Snape—" I managed to get out. "But I'm not—and I don't—"

"Calm down, Draco! I don't even know what you're talking about but I'm sorry! I should have asked—I just assumed! I mean—" she snorted and covered her mouth.

"WHAT?" I shouted, glaring daggers.

"Oh, it's just a muggle expression, it's nothing—"

"OUT WITH IT!"

She made a strained smile. "To assume makes an ass out of you and me."

I let out a long, loud groan of disapproval.

"I know, I know!" she exclaimed and waved her hands around, chattering in a high tone. "I was just feeling really bad over Christmas break because well, you've been pretty excellent. You've made me come so hard, Draco and I just wanted to repay the favor and so I checked out all these books on anatomy and male sexuality and well, actually, some rather silly Muggle magazines. And some were rather graphic but the point is I found out that there is a male G-spot and also that stimulating the rectal area can prove very pleasurable and that most blokes don't ever get to experience it, and well, I wasn't going to put anything in right then, but I thought—I thought sometime if you wanted I could try, but we'd have to use a decent amount of lubricant and I'd have to trust you would be well-maintained which I'm really not worried about—"

"I still don't understand why you were trying to touch me in…" I lowered my voice. "My place."

"Because I was trying to find something that would really please you and I read that stimulating the male g-spot can produce some wild orgasms for men!" she said hurriedly, and it almost looked like she was going to burst into tears.

My heart still beating wildly, I tried to take a deep breath. "Granger," I said slowly, "I could be mistaken but… you honestly tried to find ways to give me a more intense orgasm?" She nodded. I went on, but lowered my voice. "You were going to stick your fingers in or around my bum in order to give me a more intense orgasm?"

She nodded again. "I read all about it. Apparently it can make oral sex even better if you apply the right kind of pressure."

"Well… holy snakes, Granger," I said, cocking my eyebrow and looking upward in thought. "That is something I've never been offered in all of my experience as a Slytherin sex God. And while I am not a homosexual and in truth, it somewhat unsettles me to imagine it, it also sort of turns me on in a way I cannot really explain. Now, I'm not saying that I'm ready for that kind of…" I coughed. "Er. Contact. But I'm impressed you would study anal stimulation for my sake." I leaned over and kissed her on the lips. She smiled. Settling back against the side of the tub, I smirked. "You must really like me."

Hermione splashed me again with a dark look in her eyes. "Shut up," she said wryly. "So are we going sleep together or what? I promise I won't touch your… your bum… unless you say it's alright. But I would like to have sex with you, Draco."

Just as I was going to put on my most sexual smile, the door creaked open and Headmaster Dumbledore strolled in wearing a purple snorkeling suit, complete with a breathing mask.

Granger shrieked and covered herself with bubbles. "Headmaster! What-!"

I paled. "Do you knock, you old pervert?" Granger shoved me. I shrugged.

"Oh, I beg your pardon!" he said, removing the mask and smiling faintly. "I'm just here for my evening dip. But if I'm interrupting anything…"

"Nothing," Granger said in an instant. "You're not interrupted anything!"

"We were just leaving, Headmaster," I said loudly. "Accio towel. Accio Granger's towel." I leaned into Hermione and said quietly, "We can go somewhere else and shag, Granger. There's no way in hell I'm going to spend another second with Crackpot Dumblenut—"

She shushed me loudly and elbowed my side before quickly covered herself in the towel and getting out of the bath.

"Oh, it's alright, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore with a merry smile and a wink. "As Headmaster of this school, I am quite used to being the butt of student jokes."

My eyes widened and I gave Hermione a terrified look. She burst out with laughter and followed behind me as I ran off to grab my clothes. Dumbledore continued smiling in that disturbing way before holding his nose, running at full speed and jumping into the bathwater.