New Life: Chapter One

iWon't Say Goodbye

iCarly

Sitting on her bed, Sam read over her diary entries, unable to move her eyes or body. Outside, the seasons shifted; growing too cold too fast. Her long, blond, gently curled hair falling over her shoulders, the young woman let tears pour down her eyes, dripping onto the pages. While the world believed her career as the co-star of iCarly to be her crowning achievement, Sam knew it was really her writing; the perfect rendering of her life with her mother. All the moments, all the love, all the hardships faced together. The only problem was...it wasn't enough.

When I was...

A young girl,

My mother...

Took me into the city

To see a marching band.

Walking down the sidewalk of Seattle, Sam felt truly cold for the first time in her life; the mere thought of her mother brought her to her knees...And she was miserable. She was miserable all the time. Her chances for a happy life died when her mom did. Clenching her coat close to her heart, which seemed to be showing through her chest, the young woman wiped her eyes with her scarf, trying to hide her tears. The pain always brought her to her knees. It was never like this before.

Nothing had ever been so final; so absolute. Happiness didn't seem like an option; more an act of betrayal both self and to her mother. Clenching her eyes, Sam walked onward. Night after night bleeding into day after endless day; no sleep in sight; no solace to save her. People grow old. People die. People are forgotten. Not like this, though. Not someone this close. Thrusting her fist into the brick wall of a neighboring apartment, the girl walked out of the alley and into another cold night. Only the weak glow of street lights showed her the way forward.

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood's run stale

Cat found me. Took me in. Loved me like the sister I never had. She was happy; she cared. I couldn't give that back to her, though. I was broken; shattered. I was never getting better. I wished I could be the friend I knew she needed. Day after day, she skips on to school, wearing bright smiles and the passion of a child. Day after day, I sit still on my bed, hugging my pillow to my chest as tight as I can. No matter how bright the days are, they feel dark. I live in a cold, hopeless twilight. I can't see my future. Cat tries to raise my frown into a smile with her petite little fingers, but it doesn't last. Every day, I'm so afraid she'll end up like me. I never want that to happen, so I keep silent.

I want to hide the truth

I want to shelter you

But with the beast inside

There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come...

This is my kingdom come.

Mom, I'm so sorry...but it just doesn't hurt as much anymore. It was so many years ago. The wounds just couldn't stay fresh. No matter how much she wanted to; no matter how bad it hurt, Sam had to let go. You'll always be in my heart and prayers, she whispered, closing the final page of her diary and kissing the cover.

Made in loving memory of Debra McCurdy

and one of the most wonderful people in my life. It's been about 2 years, and we never let go.