Chapter 5 - Hopelessness

I was lying in a field of flowers.

Except, this must be a dream.

The sharp kick inside me reassured me that this was not, in fact, a dream.

I was very much alive, and the sun was beating down on my skin. I could not seem to find joy in the aliveness of nature around me. Once upon a time I could feel it seeping into my very being, but now darkness only appear to cloud my vision.

I was exhausted, that much I could recognize. The little person I had long been desperately hoping did not exist…was a being and fully existing inside of me.

"Aslan, I miss you. I wonder why this has happened." I murmured quietly into the sky.

It was not that I did not want Caspian's child, you see. I would love this being more than the breath in my lungs. But it did not change the fact that this being was coming into the world with a father who was so entranced by some form of evil that I knew there would be no bright light for either of us in the foreseeable future.

What kind of life was this? I was hiding from my own husband. And one that had truly not been my husband for very long.

I loved Caspian. I love Caspian today, but I have become completely and utterly terrified of what will become of everyone I love if I do not solve this problem.

I took it on myself at the beginning, but I could feel the life leaving my body every day, my energy being stolen away at the worst time by the being inside of me.

This child would be strong. Stronger than me, I hoped.

Truthfully, as I lie in this field and reflect on the past months, I did not care if Caspian found me here. James had warned me to hide. I was tied of hiding. I was tired of running.

I was tired.

The bond that shall not be broken,

A fate denied and taken,

Eternal slumber on a lover's heart,

For the debt of a Queen they must be apart.

To live or die lies in the hands of one,

A gift must be rewarded for none.

A path will be revealed,

But only for fate to be healed.

When would this be over? I had repeated those damning words over and over in my head and they had become my own undoing. They danced like demons around the edges of my vision until I felt I might scream.

I might've scream regardless if I had the energy.

I think I fell asleep in that place, lost somewhere between anger and hopelessness. It was there that James found me.

"Lu?" It was a whisper.

I mumbled begrudgingly, letting awakens settle over my mind once again. I was unsure of how long I had been in my stupor, but the sun was no longer warm and the chillness of evening threatened upon us.

"What is it?" I finally, asked, taking the hand James offered to me and letting him pull me to my feet.

After our exchange days before we had not spoken, mostly because I had been avoiding the questions he might have about my passing out in front of him. But he had not sought me out and I had been fine since. The kicks of the being inside me had reassured me enough that I did not seek out someone to aid my health. Food and rest were enough. For now.

"Caspian is leaving tomorrow. He has business in another City, but it's still not safe for you to be wandering about. The Witch has eyes everywhere…"

For a moment I was lost in a memory, I was staring into Mr. Tumnus' eyes and he repeated those words to me. Eyes everywhere. It was almost comical to think of at this moment, and the way the faun and I had become friend's despite everything that had stood in the way.

I jerked, startled to find that James had been repeated my name and I had not responded.

"Sorry," I shook my hair, letting the long tangled strands fall over my shoulders. "I am afraid that it's been a long journey and I've nothing to show for it. I know that whatever is come over Caspian is not him, but I am not afraid of this person he has become and I am not afraid of the Witch."

I glared at the ground in front of us. "I was not when I first came here and I refuse to be intimidated by the presence once again."

I realized how determined my words sounded and felt surprise rising within my own chest.

James just stared at me for a long moment, those too blue eyes piercing my every thought. We had been friend's for quite a long time now and I felt stripped at this moment, my secrecy torn away.

"Lu." He grasped my arms, and pulled me into an embrace. I resisted, but could not fight the urge to crumble just a little.

"I do not know what to do." I let the words spring out of my mouth, defeatedness and all.

"You are not alone, my Queen." He tapped me once on the forehead with a fingertip, teasing, but I could sense the urgency in him. He would not have used the name Queen if this was not important. He knew better.

"Where do we go from here?" I whispered, taking a step back from his reassuring embrace.

He slipped my arm through his and we strolled out of the field and towards the stables, near the castle. He did not speak for the duration of our walk and I knew he did not speak for fear of being heard.

Horses were saddled for us at the stables.

We arrived at a cottage just outside the city an hour or so later. I had been here once a long time ago, but the memory had nearly faded from memory.

It was only when we stepped over the threshold that James spoke again.

"It is alarming how many things have changed here, Lu. I help Caspian when he is gone and he has allowed me to handle certain matters. I have had to find ways to trick him to keep this place safe and home for our people." He stopped and I did not press him, but could feel the anxiety rolling off him as he raked a hand through his hair.

"I cannot do this for much longer. Are you sure you did not learn anything?"

His eyes roamed over me and his eyes thinned as he really took me in. As if he had only just now noticed the darkness in my eyes and the thinness of my body, the bump of a child scarcely hidden beneath my dirty clothes.

I spoke before he could manage a barrage of questions.

"I met many obstacles, none which relate to Caspian. At least not that I know. I don't know what to do now other than try to reason him out of his state." I spread my hands apart, now used to the familiar ache that clung to my side.

"I ask you, my friend, where do we go from here?" My eyes truly connected with his for the first time in a long time. "I am desperate." The words felt stiff, angry even.

I think I felt even more hopeless as he set his jaw and ignored my words, pushing them aside until they did not exist in this room.

"You need to rest, Lu." His face softened. "You cannot do anything until you repair yourself."

Of course, the words that proceeded thereafter danced in my ears, fading nearly instantaneously and completely when the cottage's door closed after him.

He promised to return.

I promised vengeance on what my life had become.

Something would have to break eventually.

I apologize for the long wait. I'm easing back into this project with the intent of trying to do shorter chapters once every couple of weeks. I really spat this chapter out quickly and I hope that it's not too rough and that it makes sense. I'd like to explore a darker side of Lucy as time goes on. Let me know your thoughts.