*DISCLAIMER:   yep, usual stuff.  I do not own Jhonen Vasquez (not yet anyway…bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!), nor do I own Devi, Nny, or Squee.  Also, I don't own Weezer or their song "Butterfly" off the "Pinkerton" CD.  God… this disclaimer stuff is depressing.  The only thing I do own is this story and that's pretty damn pathetic…oh well, ENJOY.

*Authors Note:  NEVER EVER read JTHM comics and listen to Weezer at the same time.  This song just reminded me SO much about Nny and Devi…ok, you've been warned.  This is a little (or very) confusing because the song R/R!!! I COMMAND YOU! Ok…I'm done now.

Nny stood there surveying his surroundings.  It was an awful autumn day outside...bright and sunny and beautiful.  He held the jar tightly in his hands waiting...silently waiting.

"Yesterday I went outside,

With my momma's mason jar,"

It fluttered by, beautifully and full of grace. He held the jar high and with one quick swoop he trapped the butterfly.  If it were a knife in his hands the person beneath him would be dead in an instant.  But he wasn't planning on killing anyone today.  He quickly screwed the lid tight.  He wasn't letting this one go.

"Caught a lovely butterfly…"

She, as he guessed it was a girl, was beautiful.  She was mostly white with purple outlines and stripes.  If he held the jar up to the light he could even see some green spots on her wings.  Her colorings looked so familiar.  "I'm proud of you Johnny, going out and all," said Reverend MEAT. 

"Go to hell" Nny merely responded.  Nny put the butterfly, which was not flailing anymore but sighing like it was hard to breathe, on the counter and went out to get a brainfreezie.  An hour later he crawled into Squee's window to find him writing. "Hey Squeegee!" he said enthusiastically.   

"SQUEE!' was all he got as a response.  It was either out of fear or joy…Johnny didn't know, or care, which.

"I got you a brainfreezie!" he said as he handed it to Squee.  Squee took it silently and stared up at him.  "Now, can I borrow some NyQuil?  I want a good sleep tonight."  Squee didn't hesitate to think about what he meant by that, nor did he delay in getting the medicine.  Johnny took it and headed back out the window for home, but not before traumatizing little Squee with a story about how brainfrezzies kill your brain cells.  Johnny returned home, took the medicine, and fell fast asleep.

"When I woke up today,

Looked in on my fairy pet,"

It was around eleven in the morning when Johnny woke.  He leaped out of bed and ran to the counter, desperately wanting to see his fairy pet.  He was like a child on Christmas morning, except minus the whole Santa thing.  That's just frightening, the thought of and old fat man coming into your house and leaving stuff for you.  He shuddered at the thought. He reached the counter and stared in horror at what he saw…

"She had withered all away,

No more sighing in her breast."

She was dead.  He had killed her.  Why had he forgotten air holes?  For a second time he felt remorse for an act he had committed.  He looked at her and began to sob.  Reverend MEAT chuckled at Nny's sadness.  "Foolish boy," he said, mockingly.  "Don't you know you can't catch a butterfly and keep it?  No wonder she died!  Who could survive in this hell? Well, other than you of course."  Nny glared in his direction.  "Glare all you want.  You know what I say is the truth.  You killed her Johnny.  A thing as beautiful and perfect could never survive around a monster like you.  You loved her Johnny…and you tried to kill her."

"I didn't try to," Nny said between sobs. "I did—" but Nny understood what Rev MEAT was really getting at.  He looked at his perfect butterfly and realized why she looked so familiar.  She WAS Devi, except he hadn't succeeded in killing her.  He sobbed some more, this time for Devi.  Rev MEAT just chuckled.

"I'm sorry for what I did,"

He was sorry.  He was immensely sorry.  He knew sorry wouldn't cut it.  He begged for her forgiveness on more then one occasion but it doesn't matter.  Nothing mattered except for her, and she despised him.  He thought back to that fateful day…

"I did what my body told me to,

I didn't mean to do you harm"

"Immortalize the Moment!" they had said.  Those damn doughboys, always fucking with his life.  Why had he listened to them?  He was so close to happiness and he ruined it.  His body had told him to do it, though.  Well actually his mind told him to.  He loved Devi.  He never meant her any harm.  If only she could see that. 

"Every time I pin down what

I think I want it slips away.

The ghost slips away."

He stood up, went outside, and unscrewed the top, letting the marvelous creature out.  It was too late, though, and he knew that.  At least she was finally free.  He headed back inside and sat on the couch, the recognizable stench of blood assaulting his nose.  He thought about Devi once more.  Reverend MEAT's words echoed through his head.  "Don't you know you can't catch a butterfly and keep it?" Nny sighed at this.  MEAT was right.  She was the one that got away.  It was better she got away.  He would of ended up killing her or she would have died in some other unfair and awful way.  He looked through a crack in his boarded up windows.  Outside he saw butterflies, similar to the one he killed.  This is the way it is meant to be.  He can observe butterflies, but he can never have them.  They are not meant to be had or kept.  They are meant to fly free, and he was meant to watch them, watch her, wishing with every fiber of his being to be with her.  He decided he would be content with this, for her safety.  All he had wanted was her, and all he would ever want would be her.  But she slipped away.  He was glad for this, but that did not stop his want for her.  All that was left was her ghost, which too slipped away.

"Smell you on my hands for days,

I can't wash away the scent,

If I'm a dog than you're a bitch."

He came back the next morning after a particularly violent night of killing.  He began to wash up but his thoughts turned to the butterfly.  The butterfly's blood would not wash off, nor would the guilt he felt.  This guilt was insignificant compared to that which he felt for Devi.  He knew what he had to do.  This guilt would never end by itself.  He picked up his phone and dialed her number.  "Hello" the voice on the other end was tired and strained, cynical and annoyed.  Johnny thought it was god-like. 

"Hi Devi…th—this is Johnny"

"Oh God…Nny, please stop calling me."

"I—I—I just wanted to apologize.  I really miss you.  Please forgive me."

At this Devi laughed.  "Forgive you? I could forgive you if you lied to me, or called me a bitch, or even if you cheated on me.  But forgive you for trying to kill me??  Forgive you for being a murderous dog?  Are you insane?  Wait, stupid question.  Of course you are."  Nny felt like crying, but held it back.

"I just wanted you to know I cared." He said but she had already hung up.

"I guess you're as real as me,

Maybe I can't live with that.

Maybe I need fantasy,

Life of chasing butterfly"

"Well so much for that" he said out loud to no one in particular.  She was just like him.  She was real.  She was angry, depressed, and alone.  Rev MEAT even told him that she had a voice.  A voice named Sickness.  Just the thought of this made his stomach crawl.  She shouldn't have a voice.  That would mean she was insane as him.  He preferred to think that she didn't. 

"That's lying to yourself, you know." Rev MEAT said

"It's not lying.  I live in a world of fantasy and I like it that way. I need it that way."

"I'm sorry for what I did,

I did what my body told me to,

I didn't mean to do you harm.

Every time I pin down what

I think I want it slips away.

The ghost slips away."

"You need fantasy?  No, Nny, you need a giant dose of reality." MEAT said with a sneer.

"Shut up" Johnny said, half to himself and half to Reverend MEAT.  He knew he was right though.  He left the room and Rev MEAT heard a nail being pounded into something…or someone.

"I told you I would return,

When the robin makes his nest,

But I ain't never coming back."

"If this isn't a dose of reality, I don't know what is," Johnny said in a hushed whisper.  Johnny looked through the little crack in the window.  Winter was coming soon.  It was his favorite season: cold, and dark, and bitter.  Winter was always very bitter.  He would have been with her 'till the end.  He would have loved and taken care of her.  He would have returned to her, again and again, to apologize.  This apology would never be accepted.  They both knew this; just as well as they knew the robin makes it's nest each spring.  He knew it made no difference, and that's why he was never coming back.  Never. Never. Never.

"I'm sorry,

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry Devi.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Those were Johnny's last thoughts before he kicked the chair away.

* Authors Note:  Phew! That's done! It was WAY longer than I planed on it being, but I'm satisfied. I hope you like it as much as I loved writing it! R/R!!