A/N: Well here we all are at the place I experience overwhelming relief, intoxicating euphoria and sadness – the final chapter of this story. This has been such an epic for me - approximately two and a half years. I'll really miss living with these characters, although finishing gives me the freedom to start new projects, which is exciting. I never intended for this to become the mammoth fic that it did – over 280,000 words and a bunch of OCs that have become like a family to me, especially Croc, Jack and Ruby. I've always been grateful for the way that my OCs have been made welcome by readers, as I frequently hear other authors apologising when they introduce them. Someone asked me if I'd ever write a sequel with Croc and Gus, and I have to say that I don't have any intention of writing a sequel – partly because I have so many sequels yet to be written. Which is why I vowed not to write any more stories in the foreseeable future that left them open to a sequel. It's why I've have made good and sure I wrapped up the loose ends here with such a massive two part epilogue. Still I won't completely rule out the possibility of one day returning to these OC's, perhaps in a prequel with Croc, Gus, Steve and Tony at RIMA. Maybe for a Christmas story… one day.
Okay, so I was really surprised that no one nailed the name challenge I posed in the last chapter, although shadocat came closest when she observed that MW's youngest child was named Liam. In the last chapter I also had an Olivia, which is his daughter's name and of course his eldest son is named August (Gus). In fact using the name August aka Gus Kaderson was also something of a nod to Gus Bricker – an undercover identity that DiNozzo played early on in the show. The Gus connection was deliberately used as a clue to Gus' real identity, as was a comment about the movie Ghost, hinting at his ID but I'm not sure anyone ever picked up on it. Other naming trivia for those of you who don't know already, the joke about Morty being the Angel of Death, mort is Latin for death. FYI Saffron Tippy and Charisma were both students of mine and Zanthe has always been a favourite name, so had nothing to do with any author lol.
I just want to warn people one final time that this chapter contains a major character death and for people who have lost a loved one to cancer, I understand if you chose to skip this chapter. My family has not be untouched by cancer or death either, so I empathise and hope I have written the scene with sensitivity. I have people to thank and a few final remarks but I'll save them for one final end note and let you get on to the story. Thank-you :)
An Eye for an Eye Leaves Everyone Blind
Chapter 24 Part Two Epilogue: A Time to Every Purpose Under Heaven
Dr Jimmy Palmer four months later:
Leroy Jethro Gibbs, aged 64 years, died today. Time of death was declared at 3.35am and he died peacefully, surrounded by friends.
Trite I know but in this case, true.
Ducky and Tony had been with him for the last 36 hours continuously, while I popped in and out of his hospital room at Cedars Sinai, between shifts and patients. Abby came and stayed for the last few hours when he'd lapsed into unconsciousness. She'd been unable to deal with being there when he was still conscious and fading fast – she got too emotional and Ducky had been firm with her. Jackie Vance came too and my wife, Graciela. We were finally married six weeks ago.
Jay, Tony's wife came by frequently. While Tony and Ducky took care of the dying, she watched over the living – bringing tea, coffee, sandwiches and cakes to keep everyone from crashing. Tony and Jay's baby, Rosalie was there with us too whenever her mother visited and somehow her presence seemed to calm Gibbs when he became restless. Even after he lapsed into unconsciousness, the baby babble and chuckles seemed to soothe him – soothed us all and reminded us that even though death stalked us this day, life does go on.
A further affirmation of life was Jack and Ruby's newborn, Joshua Rory Carrington, just barely six weeks old and definitely not going to be subject to the indignity of the moniker of Leyland Carrington IV. As Tony's partner at EMIS, Ruby flittered around him like a mother hen, making sure he was dealing with the stress. And since there was no way she was going to be separated from little Joshie - ostensibly since she was breastfeeding him - but more to do with their mother-child bond, he tagged along too. For Ducky and Tony, who'd barely left Gibbs' room, holding the newborn, breathing in that sweet, clean milky baby scent that Rosalie had all but lost, holding the soul still so vulnerable and pure, helped them stay centred and sane.
Graciela and I had been talking about starting our own family and even though we were newly married, Gracie wanted to start right away. As she pointed out, her older sister, Marisol had enormous difficulty conceiving, taking five years to do so. Plus their mother had over ten miscarriages, so she didn't want to put it off. I was hoping that it would happen without a lot of hoopla – Marisol had needed IVF treatments, but we wouldn't know if there was a problem until we tried.
So we'd been trying to get pregnant since getting married and thus far nothing was happening. Although it was early days, Gracie was so damned clucky around baby Joshua that under any other circumstances, I think we might have ended up in the on call doctors' room getting in some practise. Instead she made do with cuddling Josh whenever she could steal him away from the rest of the crew. Between him and our precious little rosebud, they made the unbearable bearable.
Later on in the day, Nikki Jardine stopped by to pay her respects, too. She'd only worked with Gibbs on a couple of occasions at NCIS, so I think she was there, more out of concern and support for Tony and Ducky. One thing I've noticed is that when he inspires people's friendship, most people become rather protective of Tony. Which is rather funny, since he's always been so stubbornly independent, due to his upbringing. Jay says it's because his 'aura' projects a wounded vulnerability, and that people want to mother him, but then again, she can sprout new age, touchy-feeliness and can come off sounding just a little bit flaky sometimes. Still, Jay is good for Tony.
Don't know about the aura stuff, but his team are definitely extremely protective and even though Nikki's still a newbie, she's settled in well and been quick to jump on the 'protect Tony' bandwagon, too. He handles it graciously, most of the time but I'm sure it drives him up the wall on occasion… still that's family, I guess.
Tony had also called a few people in DC to let them know about Gibbs and now Tim, Tobias and Tom Morrow were flying out to say good bye. It was doubtful that he'd know they were here, but then again, one never knows. Besides, they deserved a chance to say their goodbyes too and he refused to see most people after his release from Leavenworth – antisocial to the end. So Mike had gone to pick them up at the airport and he was bringing them straight to the hospital.
And in the meantime, apart from Jay with Rosie, Ruby with Josh, and Jack who refused to be parted from his fiancée and son, the rest of Tony's ERS family flittered in and out of the room, fussing over him and Ducky. Everyone had expressed their concern to me about them – Ducky because he was getting up there in years and had been a close friend of Gibbs for a damned long time. So we watched him carefully, knowing this was going to be hard on him. I ordered a pull-out sofa chair to be put into Gibbs room and Tony and I bullied Ducky into resting at regular intervals, since he wouldn't hear of going home to take time out.
So I get why people were concerned about him, though I'll admit I was bit perplexed at why everyone was so antsy about Tony too, but I just figured that there was stuff I hadn't been told. It hadn't escaped my notice that right from the start – even when he flew back from Tel Aviv, there seemed to be an unusually strong bond between Abby, Ducky and Mike's team. Jack and Ducky in particular were as thick as thieves. It was almost as if they'd met before and I had my suspicions but never asked. Although, I was even more convinced that something had happened to DiNozzo by the protective phalanx they'd formed around him when he returned with them from Tel Aviv.
Now, once again, I saw evidence of their concern, with all of them taking it in turns to drop in with something hot to drink from a nearby coffee shop, and offering up a word or two of comfort or a simple hug. It was nice to see how much they all cared for him and how they rallied around.
Mike's wife Molly was taking care of Xanthe and Liam, with help from Jonathan and his friend Ryan. Not really sure how to describe him – boyfriend, lover, not partner – as they weren't living together yet, but maybe soon. Turned out Ryan was a speech pathologist, specialising in working with children with Autistic Spectrum disorders and he is patience personified. Anyway, they helped keep two little Paddingtons and four lively Kadersons occupied so Tony and Jay didn't fret about them. Much to Jon's relief, Ryan wasn't in the least bit fazed by our crazy, raucous but caring, extended family of misfits. He just fitted right in.
Still it didn't tell me why Tony was being watched so carefully by his inner circle of the Elite Fugitive Retrieval guys, plus his two EMIS partners, Ruby and Gus. I wish I knew but honestly, as much as they welcomed all of us DC refugees into their midst with open arms, some things were definite no go zones, and this was one of them. I watched him, hoping to pick up any warning signs before they escalated but I wasn't really sure what I should be looking for. I could see in Ducky's eyes he's as much in the dark about this 'thing' as I am when Jackie Vance came in and started to fuss all over him, as well.
Okay, so she 'knows the secret' too – knows what? Damn it, it's driving me crazy not knowing what it is.
What do Mike, Gus, Steve, Jack, Jon, Ruby and Jackie all have in common? Well apart from the obvious, of course. The obvious being Tony - they all work with him in his inner circle, well except Jackie.
When Mike arrived with the three Ts from DC, (Tim, Tobias and Tom) after welcoming them, Tony stepped out of the room to make some space and give them privacy. So I decided to take a break too, checking in on some of my patients.
Bumping shoulders with me as we walked along the corridor to the elevator, Tony looked at me searchingly. "How you doing, Gremlin?"
I looked at him curiously. He looked absolutely exhausted, yet as per normal, he was taking care of his people. Although this seemed a much more deliberate probe on his part.
I guess I must have looked clueless and as we stepped into the deserted elevator, he specified. "I know you've got some very strong feelings when it comes to acts of revenge, Jimmy. Taken a toll on your life; losing your uncle and then your mentor. Must have been really hard on you.
"Must have created a lot of conflicted emotions when you were dealing with Gibbs. It was one reason you abandoned your dream of becoming an ME. Set you on a different path. I can relate," he offered with wry sympathy.
I was surprised, but put it down to Gibbs. I'd been having philosophical discussions with him about the concept of revenge and how damned selfish it was and not just focusing on my uncle and what happened with Dr Sutton the vet. I expressed my opinion about how Director Shepard had let it consume her, and how those around her had been sucked into her vortex. How people who had no part in the vendetta had ended up being hurt badly because of it. I didn't bring up Ari, since I thought it would be in bad taste to remind him that Cate paid the ultimate price for Gibbs and Ari's tit for tat vendetta.
I did however talk to him about Eli and Ziva, their arrogance and the damage that it caused us all as well as many inocents. We talked about how revenge never solved anything – it merely escalated a bad situation into an even bigger, more bad-assed one. One where innocents paid the price for someone else's selfishness and their inability to control their emotions and impulses.
We talked about Martin Luther King and his quote that 'an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind' since unless someone is prepared to say 'enough,' it won't stop. Not until someone has the courage to end the cycle of perpetual violence. I talked of leaders that inspired me, like Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa.
We talked about the fact that even if the cost of revenge wasn't deemed 'too high' and didn't actually hurt innocent people who got caught up in it through no fault of their own, the bottom line was that never solved anything tangible. Once someone was dead, you couldn't bring them back again and revenge would never change that.
Perhaps I should go back and correct a misconception. When I say we talked, it was me that did most of the talking – 99.9 percent of the talking. Gibbs nodded a few times and gave a couple of grunts ever so often, possibly to alert me that he hadn't dozed off. Still it was positively voluble for the functional mute, and I hoped that he bothered to think about what I said.
Thinking about what Tony said, I realised that he'd talked about my uncle and my old boss and I wondered how he knew. Had he checked me out? I know I never talked about it with him or others, but perhaps Gibbs had told him- although not very likely. Hmm it was curious!
And really, talking about being conflicted – an egregious case of pot and kettle, surely! I honestly can't imagine how I'd feel if I had suddenly found out that everything I thought that Dr Mallard was, had turned out to be a complete lie. Tony had looked up to Gibbs, and then to discover he had killed Pedro Hernandez with cold blooded premeditation, and then joined NIS as an agent to arrest others for doing precisely what he had done – well it was a betrayal of everything Tony stood for. Everything he believed that Gibbs had stood for.
Add in the whole business with Rivkin, and then not standing up for him when he should have, since Tony had done nothing wrong. Gibbs had gone toe to toe with the previous director when McGee had killed a cop, by mistake to be sure, but an innocent life lost nonetheless, while his SFA on the other hand, had acted entirely appropriately, yet Gibbs left Tony's ass hanging in the breeze, with nary a word of protest to the director. Once again, it had been left up to Tony to save his own ass.
And although he had supported Dr Mallard's call to bring Gibbs to California so he had somewhere to see out his last days, I'm pretty sure that it must have caused him a lot of angst. Although he always seem to feel it's his responsibility to look after everyone, and Gibbs would still figure into that equation since I'm pretty sure he still feels guilty over killing Ziva. So I think that it was because he knew how important it was to Ducky. Perhaps it was his longstanding friendship, his Hippocratic Oath, maybe he promised Jackson, but whatever the reason, opening up his home to Gibbs seemed really important to Dr Mallard and Tony supported him and made it happen.
So… conflicted undoubtedly - how could he not be? Yet if there was one quality that epitomised Tony more than any other, it would be loyalty, and it was a lack of loyalty by his team that ultimately drove him away. And having to face his mentor after that happened all those years ago – well it had to be uncomfortable. I know that I'd be totally devastated and feeling torn apart if I was him, watching Gibbs die like this. Especially with so much left unresolved between them. Perhaps that was what had his team in such a snit.
Still I had to hand it to him, he hadn't hesitated to support Ducky when he informed us at a DC ex-pats dinner that he wanted to bring Jethro to LA and take care of him. Gibbs had thought that he was going to be staying for a week or so but he hadn't reckoned on Donald Mallard. The elderly Scotsman was determined to be there for him and I have to say that Gibbs was lucky to have such a friend. Damned lucky to have Tony too, who in spite of any ambivalent feelings, rallied round and helped Ducky to look after him. He'd even taken the Lear jet down to Missouri to collect him. Not to say that Tony let him off the hook though.
He took down every single justification Gibbs came up with for terminating the person he believed to be a killer, starting with the fact that when you play judge, jury AND executioner you set yourself up to kill the wrong person. Which of course is exactly what had happened without the myriad of checks and balances that the US justice system has been designed for. Hell, is lionised for, and would more than likely have saved the innocent Pedro Hernandez's life.
Tony finished up with the irrefutable argument that if Gibbs had really wanted justice as he claimed, as a Special Ops trained Marine it would have been a piece of cake for him to do a snatch-and-grab, bring him back over the border to the US where he could have been tried. And no matter what justifications Gibbs used, there was no getting away from either of those cold harsh facts.
He didn't like it and he may not want to acknowledge it. Scratch that, this is Gibbs, who's lived, breathed and slept by the dictum of rule six –never apologise – which, after all was just an excuse to never admit you were wrong. After that, the next stop was to start thinking that you couldn't be wrong, which was a favourite destination Gibbs arrived at a long time ago. In hindsight, I'm not at all sure that either of us had made much headway in changing his viewpoint, though we tried. Man did we try!
As the elevator arrived at the ER, Tony and I separated. Me to check on a couple of my patients I was concerned about, although my colleagues were watching them, and Tony to head outside to get some fresh air for a few minutes. We all knew it was going to be soon and instinctively want to stay close, so we would be there. I'm not sure if it was to be with Gibbs when he passed or so we could support each other. Love him or loath him; Jethro had been a larger than life character in our lives, and it was hard to have reconnected with him just weeks ago and now watch him die like this. Cancer was always a cruel master and pancreatic cancer was particularly brutal one that no one should have to deal with. This had been a bitch for us all to varying degrees, and I really didn't envy Ducky or Tony most of all because they'd been the ones who'd borne the brunt, these last few months.
By the time I made my way up to Jethro's room for what I intuitively knew were his final hours, Tony was already up there again. He was with Abby, Ducky and McGee gathered around the bed, close to each other as the end drew near. In a corner were Tobias, who had become an associate director at the FBI, accepting the position since he was too old for field status and Tom Morrow, who'd been touted to take over as FBI Director last year. Much to everyone's surprise though, Morrow had rejected the offer, turned around and retired from Homeland Security. Ducky confided to me that although not many people knew it, Morrow's wife, Lynnette, had developed Multiple Sclerosis. Although I didn't know him well, he seemed like an honourable man. He hadn't used his position to push personal agendas, unlike the NCIS directors that came along after him.
McGee was still at the CIA eight years on, and according to Tobias, the buzz was that he was living with Delilah Fielding, a Department of Defence cryptographer. I wondered briefly if she was related to Gibbs first wife, Shannon Gibbs nee Fielding. Tom whispered that he had it on good authority that Tim was once again writing a book which was called The Twisted Cord. This time his hero was a one eyed, English born CIA undercover operative, known as Gent Cord, who'd worked many years before with a famous Belgian arms dealer known as Le Crapaud (The Toad). When he disappeared, later turning up dead, Cord took over, posing as a rival arms dealer - until the lines became blurred.
A priest entered Gibbs' room and Ducky and Tony greeted him cordially before moving back quietly away from the bedside, leaving Abby and McGee to watch over Gibbs as the Father administered Last Rites. Tobias stepped up to the bedside too and I looked at Ducky questioningly.
"The good Father will be giving the last prayers and ministration, dear boy." His voice quavered slightly before he breathed deeply, steadying himself.
"For Catholics, the last rites ready the person's soul for death," again a slight tremble, "by providing absolution for their sins by penance and then sacramental grace and prayers for the relief of suffering through anointing. Then finally, administration of the Eucharist, known as "Viaticum", which as a doctor I'm sure you will already know is Latin for "provision for the journey."
I nodded, wishing so much I could do something to make him feel better but know that there wasn't. "But why did you and Tony step away and why did Tobias join Abby and McGee?"
"Ah well…Abigail organised for Father O'Brian to administer the last rites to Jethro and the Catholics will pray with him. We stepped back to give them more room. We can pray back here too if we wish."
I was surprised by his explanation. "I didn't know Gibbs was Catholic." But that wasn't what had caught me off guard and turned to my friend. "I didn't realize you'd renounced your faith, Tony?"
A flicker of irritation crossed his exhausted features momentarily. "Just because my name used to be DiNozzo, and it is Italian, people always make the assumption that I must therefore be Catholic. You should never assume, Jimmy. My mother was British and an upper crust one at that, which makes me half British. The Paddingtons are staunchly protestant and were not at all pleased that she chose to marry a Catholic.
"My mother specified when she agreed to marry Senior that any child born from their union must be brought up Anglican too, since she knew she'd be disinherited if she converted. Senior reckons he immediately agreed to her request because he was so madly in love with her. Perhaps he was, but I suspect that he was even more in love with her money and status. Religion finished very low on his list of priorities; not that he was ever all that concerned about anything to do with my upbringing, including my religious education."
Ducky patted him on the shoulder and shushed us as he bowed his head, and we followed suit. After the last rites, the priest circulated around the room, offering condolence and succour to each person, regardless of their denomination, before quietly excusing himself.
As the next hours crept by, we kept Gibbs comfortable and at one point we heard him muttering Shannon and Kelly's names before settling again – a strange expression on his face. And yet… he didn't seem distressed.
Tony set up his iPod to play classical music he'd recorded on his piano. After consultation with Ducky he had recorded the type of classical pieces that Kelly would have played for her dad. They hoped that Jethro would hear it and drift off, peacefully remembering his daughter's music and hopefully thinking it was Kelly playing for him. Ducky had explained that the last sense to go during death was believed to be hearing.
I thought it was a really beautiful gesture. We sat quietly, as Eine Kleine Nachtmusik and Turkish March by Mozart played softly before Tony swung into Beethoven's ever popular Für Elise. Then he'd followed on the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies from the Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky, Minuet in G by Bach before going back to Beethoven with Moonlight Sonata and Ode to Joy (Ninth Symphony.) Finally he rounded out the set with The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss and Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy.
Although Gibbs' breathing had become shallow he was still with us, and Abby, breaking her heart, produced Tony's guitar and pleaded tearfully with him to sing, requesting Ave Maria by Gounod. Everyone who was in the waiting room (Tony's support crew) jammed into the room or stood by the door, along with several of the nursing staff. I'd never really heard Tony sing before and was surprised that he was really good. Unbidden, he then launched into the Leonard Cohen perennial favourite, Hallelujah, then a song that could have been written for Gibbs by Don Henley and Glenn Frey from the Eagles – Desperado. He ended up playing it at Gibbs funeral too and every time I hear it, it reminds me of Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
He stuck up the chords to a much loved song and nodded to Jay who broke into the words to Amazing Grace – her pure clear soprano moving us all deeply. Finally, Tony had everyone teary eyed as he sang the 70's classic 'Fathers and Sons' by Cat Stevens, then 'Cat's in the Cradle' by Harry Chapin and finally, the heart wrenching 'In The Living Years' by Mike and the Mechanics.
The poignancy of those songs choices weren't missed by anyone there, especially not by Jack, Mike and Tom Morrow, who like Tony had sons of their own and Tobias, who had a daughter. But we also understood that at some point in time, Tim, Tony, Abby and myself had to varying degrees, a paternal-like relationship to the man who lay dying, even if it had been a tumultuous and troubled one. And that Ducky had a somewhat paternal relationship with Gibbs with him as a father-figure and we couldn't help remembering Jackson, too.
The irony was that while he had a difficult relationship with Jethro, we had all loved Jackson like a surrogate grandfather. A much less complex bond than what he had with Jethro, but I think we couldn't help feeling the tragedy of them both passing without getting to say what should have been said. So it wasn't surprising that our thoughts turned to that sweet old fellow, too.
As Tony finally lay aside his much loved 12 string, I moved up to the bed with my stethoscope. Nodding to Ducky who eyes were clouded by tears, not sure if they were due to the music or his grief, I nodded gently. Not long now.
Someone switched on the iPad again and the silence was filled to the strains of the piano playing music forever associated with children's piano practises, recitals and eisteddfods. Meanwhile Tony cuddled Rosalie and Ducky gently rocked baby Joshua.
And Leroy Jethro Gibbs drew his last…
Three days later:
We buried Leroy Jethro Gibbs today beside his beloved wife and child. There was no question of a full military funeral since his retroactive dishonourable discharge put paid to that option. Still I think that Gibbs would have wanted to be laid beside his family, regardless.
It was a fairly low key, intimate funeral. We requested Desperado (the Linda Ronstadt and the Stone Ponies cover version) be played at the memorial service, causing the funeral director to make a moue of disapproval. He suggested instead that The Wind beneath my Wings by Bette Midler, Elvis Presley's You'll Never Walk Alone, Westlife's You Raise Me Up or Time to Say Goodbye by Sarah Brightman & Andre Bocelli would be far more suitable choices. Tony gave him a pretty decent imitation of the Gibbs' glare and he dropped his objections, muttering sotto voce about bad taste nevertheless.
During the start and end of the service, the Ronstadt cover was played but at the graveside, Ducky had requested that Tony sing it, accompanied on his guitar and that Jay join him. Of course Tony wouldn't refuse such a simple request from Dr Mallard. Anyone that knew Gibbs at all smiled when they heard the song – the lyrics seemed so appropriate. If Gibbs was watching us, I'll bet he's damned glad we didn't let them play The Wind Beneath My Wings. He'd probably want to shoot us.
As I said, it was an intimate funeral. Apart from our old team, Jackie Vance, Tom Morrow and his wife Lynette, Tobias and Tony's ERS and EMIS teams were there. Eric Balboa, G. Callen and Dwayne Pride were also there from NCIS, and Gibbs three ex-wives and Hollis Mann too. A few Marines and that disgraced former Marine, Damon Werth attended, plus a handful of other law enforcement personnel that I didn't know by name. Oh and Lena Reyes and my old friend Sister Rosito and a few of the nuns. There was a mysterious figure, dressed in black, who identified herself cryptically as Shadocat but Dr Mallard confirmed she was an operative from his time in Black Ops.
Although a sombre affair, I think that for those of us that had been there at the end, we were glad that it was over. Hopefully he was able to find the peace that had eluded him in life.
Coda:
I guess there's just one thing left that I need to share. After Gibbs' passing, I was packing up the meagre belongings he'd brought into the hospital with him. In a drawer I found three envelopes simply addressed to Duck, Tony and Palmer. I put them in my pocket without a word, not wishing to draw attention to them because I didn't want anyone else to feel left out.
Oh, I had a pretty good idea why he'd written to Dr Mallard and Tony, since he owed both of them an apology or a thousand, but not at all sure why he, a functional mute, would single me out too. Especially instead of Abby or McGee and I figured it could easily lead to hurt feelings. Still, now was not the time or the place to deal with it. I'd tell the others about it later on.
I gave them out to them both the next day when we sat down to nut out funeral details – Ducky was Gibbs' executor – but Tony and I were helping out so he didn't over do things since he was exhausted after taking care of Gibbs. It was our turn to look out for him for a change.
Gracie and I were going to move in with him for a bit, not just to look after him but because after Abby left he would be alone and combined with grief, the lack of a routine as a care-giver can be incredibly hard to adjust to. Hour upon hour that used to be filled with routine – no longer required. Carers speak of a sense of dislocation, of feeling lost which is separate to the loss of the loved one.
Having Gracie and myself there would give him a role as the congenial host and help him to re-establish old routines. When his mother Victoria had died, he'd already surrendered up his caregiver role when she moved into the nursing home, so this was all new territory for him.
So anyway, we discussed it jointly and agreed not to open our letters until after the funeral and then do it together over a glass of bourbon. But Tony stipulated that it had to be the good stuff, not rotgut like Jethro had drunk. Tony swore all that it was good for was cleaning paint brushes, and since it wasn't his favourite liquor or Ducky's, he insisted on something good. Ducky nodded his agreement and also suggested that we meet at the beach that Gibbs used to like to go when he was having a good day, to sit, watching the sun set.
And so it was, the day after the funeral that we sat in deck chairs on the sand, sipping really expensive and really smooth bourbon supplied by Tony, watching the sun sink slowly in the western sky. We'd tacitly agreed that Ducky should open his letter first and after opening and reading it he, dabbed at his eyes with an immaculately white, lightly starched and monogrammed handkerchief before handing the letter to Tony. He read it too and nodded, giving Ducky a small smile and passed it to me. It was brief and to the point and very much Gibbsian.
Duck,
I owe you more than I can ever acknowledge.
I didn't deserve to have you in my life. At the end, I tried my damnedest to push you away, but I'm glad you were my friend to the end.
Thank you for everything
Leroy Jethro Gibbs
I refolded it and handed it back to Dr Mallard, trying not to express my disappointment since he pocketed it, reverentially, as if it was a precious jewel. Seemed a pretty mean effort to me, after everything Ducky had done, looking after Gibbs, looking after Jackson, standing by him despite Pedro Hernandez. And not to mention putting up with his crap when they worked together at NCIS.
He seemed at peace with it all, though, so I guess that was what mattered.
Ducky raised his glass. "A toast, Lads. To Leroy Jethro Gibbs - a man who found that even the simplest of words did not come easy to him. He was truly a functional mute to the end. Vale my old friend," and he raised his glass.
"To Gibbs," we both toasted and took a long sip of liquor.
We looked at Tony who shrugged and began opening his note, his hands trembling slightly.
His face was unreadable as he handed the note to Ducky who read it and raised his eyebrows. "Oh my, dear boy. Positively gushing AND breaking rule six."
He saw that I was impatient and passed it over for me to read:
DiNozzo - Anthony,
I didn't have your six. Wasted good, forgot rule one… so scratch rule six.
Sorry I wasn't the man you wanted me to be – the man I pretended to be. Know I lost your respect.
Glad you'll watch Duck and Abby for me.
Indebted for your loyalty and friendship
Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
I huffed, unimpressed. Positively gushing? Less than 50 miserly words for his former senior field agent, if you don't count names, is not by anyone's stretch of the imagination positively gushing. That was his apology?
A pretty pathetic one for all Tony had been put through. Damn it Gibbs, he deserved a hell of a lot more than that. I thought perhaps I'd gotten through to him. Made him see how much damage he'd caused to us all, though I'd clearly failed.
As if reading my mind, my friend bumped my shoulder with his own. "Don't sweat it Grem. Wasn't really expecting more – not even that much. This is Gibbs after all. Even using my first name spoke volumes when it comes to him."
"How can you be so accepting Tony?" I demanded indignantly. He owed you a proper apology face to face. He owed you an explanation. Not this!" I gestured, feeling furious.
Tony patted me on the back paternally, which was a bit weird, but then, he'd always been good at looking out for us all.
"Hey Jimmy, he is what he is and the note - it is what it is, too. It isn't so much what he said so much as the spaces in between the words," he tried explaining and I wondered if it was a musical metaphor. I could tune a piano and I understood musical theory but the emotional and creative language of music was mostly gobbledegook to me.
"He apologised, maybe not properly or well but it's a hell of a lot more than I thought I'd get from him. Ducky's right, it is almost garrulous... for him." He offered, obviously trying to mollify me since I was still fuming.
Tony paused, seemingly considering something as he stood up and stretched, his vertebrae popping unpleasantly. He still moved with a certain cat-like grace, I noted somewhat inconsequentially, before he sat back down again and started talking.
"I had a chance to finally tell him what I thought about everything that happened with Ziva and Rivkin, all those years ago, and that was good. I spent years feeling guilty and hoping he'd forgive me, although if I was honest, I should have known that particular Hallmark moment was never gonna happen.
"But ya know what, James?" He asked, but hey I can recognise a rhetorical question when I hear one…well sometimes. But trust me… this was one so I stayed silent and let my eyes do the talking.
"I discovered that it really doesn't matter any more what he thought of me – I have so much more to be grateful for." Tony smiled tenderly and I knew he was thinking of Jay and their kids.
"I don't need his approval or forgiveness to be happy. Yep, it would have been great at the time, but it wasn't to be and my life has moved on and it is so damned good. I can finally say it and mean it, that it's okay that I'm not perfect, and I don't hold myself responsible any more for everyone else's actions or intentions, back then." He looked genuine and I hoped he was speaking the truth and had found peace he deserved.
"Ziva David and Michael Rivkin are responsible for the choices they made, which led to their deaths. It was never my intention to kill them and I was only trying to do what I thought was right and stay alive. In the end, Jim, I realised that's all that anyone can expect of me, all that really matters. But I'm not sure I'd have truly arrived at that realisation if Gibbs hadn't come here to die."
Tony smiled peaceably and it struck me that it was very different from his usually dazzle-you-with-its-brilliance variant, designed to make you forget to look at what lie beneath the mask he employs to avoid uncomfortable emotional topics. Actually I was surprised at his readiness to discuss such usually unwelcome topics. This was a good thing, so perhaps he'd achieved resolution in spite of Gibbs squandering his last opportunity to make it up to him.
He shrugged philosophically. "I gave up hoping he'd admit he was wrong, or in any way bore some responsibility for what had happened when I came back here, I think. Instead I found something a lot more important, and besides, he did teach me one heck of a lesson about how not to live my life. How not to wallow in self-indulgent guilt and grief and drag everyone else down too. I chose to live in the present since I can't change the past. I'm grateful for that," he declared pensively.
For a second time we raised our glasses. "To Gibbs. May he find the peace he was searching for with his beloved Girls."
I still didn't understand how Tony could be so calm and accepting but I joined in the toast. He'd obviously given up hoping for a bona fide apology but to me, the letter fell far short of acceptable. There was no attempt to explain why he acted the way that he did… but then again, maybe even Gibbs didn't know why. Shrugging, I reached into my pocket to retrieve my note and I found myself hesitating.
Ducky nudged me gently. Go on Jimmy. It's your turn, now. Time to close the book on this chapter and move on. Any bitterness will only serve to bite you on the buttocks."
Suddenly feeling nervous about what was written in mine, I opened it up, scanning it swiftly. Shit! It was much longer than Ducky's, longer than Tony's even. How fair was that since I hadn't done anything for him, not in comparison to what they did – now or in the past. The words that I was initially too furious to process, slowly coalesced into coherence. It read:
Palmer,
I enjoyed our talks. Probably surprise you, as I didn't say much but you're an inspiring guy. I think my mom, Ann would have liked to meet yours – she did a damned fine job on you, Doctor.
I thought a lot about what you said and you're right – revenge extracts too high a price from innocent people to ever be justifiable. I can see that now, at the end. People like my dad, your family and DiNozzo paid heavily for me and my ilk, who arrogantly decided our pain was more important than justice.
I should have sought justice - was a Marine. Should have held myself to higher standards.
Thanks for thinking I was worthy of redemption, not sure you're right.
I know I've never said it, but it but thank you for being such a good friend to DiNozzo and Duck over the years. You were a far better one than I.
So I know you won't mind me asking a favour. Look after them for me? I owe them a lot, far too much to repay. Cherish this family you've all built here – it's a precious thing.
You, DiNozzo and Ducky would have all made outstanding Marines, since you exemplify the true ideal of Semper Fidelis. In the end, far better than I ever did. I just paid lip service to the creed.
One last thing. Can you pass on a message to Tony? Tell him I've realised I couldn't have cared more if he was own. Tell him I am proud of him – who he's become. Always was. Too much of a bastard to tell him myself when it mattered and now, I'm not sure if it counts.
He's a good man and a good father. Not a surprise. Palmer – Jimmy…tell him I never blamed him but I needed to make a new rule for him - just wasn't man enough to tell him to his face. Tell him Rule 51 – He's smart, I'm sure he'll figure it out.
Hoorah
Leroy Jethro Gibbs
I looked up from the page of stiff linen paper - Ducky's stationary no doubt – feeling conflicting emotions.
Okay, that was more like what I was hoping he'd offer up to Tony and Ducky. I felt a bit pissed off that he'd showered me with a glut of words and been so parsimonious with the two of them, who deserved it more. They'd both invested a hell of a lot more in their relationship with the stubborn son of a bitch.
Ducky was waiting placidly for me to finish and pass it to him, but I felt embarrassed on his behalf and hesitated to hand it over. As if reading my mind, he patted my shoulder.
"It's alright Jimmy. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it."
So with reluctance, I handed it over and watched his face carefully as he read it. Looking for, and dreading that I'd see signs of hurt. All I saw was a rather indulgent smile.
"Interesting," was his only comment as he passed it to Tony who read it, his brow furrowed slightly in concentration.
"What is, Dr Mallard?" I asked, since that wasn't exactly my first reaction.
He didn't answer – waiting til Tony lifted his eyes off the paper and exchanged a knowing look with Ducky.
"What he means Jimbo, is that to the end Gibbs was a prideful, stubborn man who found it easier to talk indirectly - through you."
"Indeed. He must have known we would read your missive. But he couldn't bring himself to say it to us. Such a sorry state," he said sadly. "My boy, do you know what rule 51 is?" he asked Tony curiously.
Tony was silent. Finally he spoke. "I think perhaps what he was trying to tell us was that he was wrong and he was sorry. I'm not sure why it was so freakin hard for him to admit he was wrong, though."
As the sun sunk below the horizon we raised our glasses and toasted him one final time as I proposed the final toast. "Here's to Gibbs, an SOB, a bastard, a friend. May you rest in peace." It will be my honour to watch over them, I vowed silently, as we drank down a final shot of bourbon. Not as if we didn't look out for each other already.
Nine months later:
We didn't know it at the time, but almost nine months to the day since we laid Leroy Jethro Gibbs to rest, Graciela and I welcomed into the world our first child, Matthew Lee Palmer. He weighed in at a healthy 8 pound 3 ounces, with a shock of light brown hair and bluest of eyes. Mother and baby are fine, after a relatively short labour for a first child of just under 13 hours.
It seemed that our fears that we might have difficulty conceiving were groundless. Graciela believes we had help and that our Matt is blessed.
Our LA family has grown by one more and Ducky and Graciela's sister have agreed to be his godparents.
I had no idea when I moved out here to be closer to Ducky and Tony that I would end up married, a father, an honorary brother-in-law to Jay, an honorary uncle to Tony's kids – Zanthe, Liam and Rosalie and welcomed with open arms by Tony's crazy but loving family. Personally, I feel like it's me who is blessed.
I left DC to come to a new state and job and ended up coming home.
The End
"Desperado"
By
Glenn Frey and Don Henley
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
End Notes:
Why did I do it? Someone asked me why I would want to inflict Gibbs onto Tony after eight years, when he was settled and happy. I hope my reasons for doing so are clearer now. I never intended for there to be a tearful resolution where Gibbs and Tony fell crying into each other's arms, exchanging manly hugs and Gibbs apologised. I just don't see Gibbs that way. I see him as a stubborn, flawed and ultimately a miserable character, who may be capable redemption in theory at least, but will probably never choose to achieve it because he is more comfortable being unhappy. Tony, while equally flawed, has courage Gibbs will never possess and a desire to put other people before his own requirements. So he would do his damnedest to change and grow for the people he loved and who loved him. In the end, he found the courage to over-come his insecurities and embrace his imperfections.
With his impending demise, Gibbs finally found the strength to apologise, albeit from beyond the grave, where he couldn't man up and do so before he left. (That stupid bloody Rule 6 to quote Croc). And Ducky and Tony were forgiving enough to accept it. Me – I'm with Jimmy! It was a pathetic attempt but then, I would never have tolerated Gibbs crap for the eight years that Tony worked for him in this story, let alone the 14.5 years that he has in the show. I can't think of a person who is less suitable for Tony to work with, or for, since he basically devoured everything which was good about Tony and spat out the husk! JMHO *shrugs*
An ambiguous ending: The ending of this story is deliberately ambiguous, although I admit it is suggestive, so readers are left free to choose their own scenario. Just to reiterate, it isn't in any way meant to hint that there will be a sequel. I have my own head canon about what happens now, yet I hope in leaving it open, you can all chose what scenario makes you most comfortable, from being reunited with his loved ones to some less happy ones. If you are really bursting with curiosity you can PM me and I'll tell you how I see 'what happens next'.
Acknowledgements: Which leads me to thanking all the readers who have gone on this journey with me. To all the people who alerted and favourite this story, to the people who PM'ed me and left me reviews, thanks so very much for taking a few minutes out of your day to share your thoughts with me. They mean a lot and sometimes the most seemingly insignificant remark can spark my creativity. Finally, to my Beta, Arress, who has contributed so much to this story and to everything I write. Thank-you seems way too inadequate to repay her for everything she does but I'll say it anyway, Thank-you for all your help with this story that was so important to me. :)) To Frakkin Toasters, who came aboard one year ago, I appreciate all your feedback too. I love how you and Arress will tell me when I need to rewrite something, or add or fix a scene but never let your personal agendas influence your opinions. I really admire you both for being able to achieve that delicate balance.
Some observations: Someone commented recently that I do always finish my fics, even if it takes me a while, and I appreciate that people recognise this fact. It takes a lot of willpower not to give in to the endorphin high which comes from creating a new story or getting diverted by new plot bunnies and then there are the challenge fics that people wave in front of my face all the time to write this story or that. (Is this a good time to tell people I don't ever accept challenges or requests? No…oh well!) Let me tell you, beginning new stories can be sooo addictive – which is maybe why so many authors seem to fall into the trap of having so many stories on the go (most that will never get finished) or have a story which starts out strong but then the story is wrapped up hurriedly so they can move on to the 'NEXT' story. Which is a pity imho, because they will never get to experience this bittersweet feeling that I am right now.
Can I just say that as frustrating as it is for a reader to get invested in a story, and believe me I've been there myself, reviews and feedback can feel almost as addictive as that feel good factor of beginning a new story. Feedback, dialogue and reviews from readers can make the aggravation involved in delayed gratification of not starting something new and sticking with an established story, worth the discipline required. A new story is like being tempted to cheat with someone exciting and sexy when you are in a long term, stable relationship, especially if you aren't feeling appreciated, your needs are getting met or you have writer's block, it's a lot easier to stray from the path.
When you couple the feeling of seeing your plot bunny come to life, with the enthusiastic initial flood of once off reviewers telling you are the best lover ever…um I meant to say the best author/story ever, well that gives you an idea how heady it is to start a new story and why you can easily get addicted to the rush. Not saying it is okay to cheat on your partner or your readers, but understanding the rush makes it easier to resist, and perhaps remind readers that they hold some power to influence a writer's behaviour. Remember we do this for free and a review or feedback costs nothing and helps to balance out the flames, especially when we hit a rough patch in a story where inspiration dries up. Plus when it comes to flames, one nasty review (talking deliberate intent to cause hurt or ridicule for the author, as opposed to concrit) requires, to quote a well know tele-shrink, a hundred onyas (good jobs) to balance the ledger. Food for thought? Maybe think about the power you yield and don't just give reviews for the beginning and the end of a story but reinforce the author for sticking with it – for fighting through the writer's block or writing themselves into a corner and not giving up and hitting delete and starting again. For doing the hard yards.
Hmm sorry for the long rant but after two and a half years and this being the final author's note for An Eye, I guess I'm feeling a bit mawkish. I honestly thought I only had a couple of things to mention. Forgive the indulgence: D
Perhaps I need to get a blog in 2016. lol
Future directions: I have some more 'There's Always Tom Morrow' episodes almost ready to go. There are two short tags to season five episodes, 'Designated Driver' and one of my favourite episodes, 'In the Zone' ready to post, plus I have a new story, a Redux of season 4, in the early stages of inception. It will be a fairly short story (famous last words) and, last but not least, I want to write long awaited sequels to my two very early stories 'Halloween Remembrance' and 'Running form the Demons.' I was hoping to get to them in 2015 but this fic and Rising to the Bait just wouldn't cooperate. I refuse to wrap up a story just for the sake of finishing, so for all those people I promised and disappointed, my apologies, but know that when I do begin writing the sequels, I'll treat them and the readers with the same respect.
Thank-you to everyone who has stayed with me right to the end of the story. I appreciate your support and your loyalty. Happy New Year!