Disclaimer: Shingeki no Kyojin belongs to Hajime Isayama.
Never
Was it possible to continue living without regrets?
It is scary.
Lance Corporal Levi has no qualms facing two titans in one go; he does not flinch at the sight of mutilated bodies- where intestines and guts pour out onto the ground whenever a comrade was eaten alive. He is not afraid that he would lose his life to one neither- because he is very confident he wouldn't. Blood of titans and comrades meant nothing. It was a sight he adapted from his job line.
Hanji's ceaseless rambles about titans discovery was something he avoids every time. In theory, if he were to be locked in a room with her he'd be damned. But he was not afraid of it, at most, only smoldering impatience and annoyance- he could easily shut her out. There is nothing frightening to be trapped in a room with Hanji Zoe.
Being hated by the mass meant nothing to him neither. So the same for failing at an expedition- he copes well.
Lance Corporal Levi had never been so afraid; what more of a simple question.
Was it possible to continue living without regrets?
He shies away from those stringed words. Never. Never would he want to be questioned with it. It shall not run through his mind.
Kill him. Skin him alive. Shred his meat slowly as he breathes. He never ever wants to answer that question or anything alike.
He believes Commander Erwin's order went through much needed pondering and it was a wise one. And so he obeyed. Yet somewhere deep within, Levi knew something would turn out bad, very very bad. But he still stuck to his directive. Because that is how the system works. Do not question authority.
Fast wind cut through his hair as he rushed to his squad's rendezvous point. He was barely half-way there and sharp blue eyes caught hold of his fallen subordinate's body dangling by a tree- bloodied. He hadn't had the time to stop and really look- Levi breezed through Gunter, and then Erd, and then Auruo.
K.I.A.
That was what he needs to report when they get back within the protection of the walls.
With furrowed brows he continued on. A tiny part of him harbored some hope. Perhaps there will be one who survived. His heart pounded and he blinks not because of dust or wind, but because of anxiety. A cool-headed captain being nervous- that was a first - he thought. He hopes there will be one who is still standing... although he knew hope in this situation was pretty much a luxury he couldn't afford.
Damn.
Levi allowed himself to hope and now he was disappointed.
Honey hazel eyes were always warm when they reflected the setting sun. Lips always tinted pink and voice like wind chimes. She was his epitome of tenderness and... even refuge.
Gone.
He saw her bent body against the tall trunk and he knew she no longer breathes the air he breathes. Levi halted above her, cursing himself so much because he had hoped to see glistening honey hazel eyes for the last time. Disappointment met him once again because all that reflected in his eyes were a dull brown. Her strawberry blonde hair flowed gracefully in sync with the soft breeze; cheeks no longer tinted pink but smeared red- the red of blood.
Levi looked.
And he blinked.
"Not you too, Petra." His eyes said.
Fist clenched blades tighter until knuckles run white, thinking maybe if he hold it tight enough the metal would be enough to steel his heart- his emotions.
Time won't permit- he tells himself. Dropping onto the ground is prohibited. What if her body was still warm? She could still be breathing... right? He stops thinking about the lifeless body below him because if knees touches the ground next to kind Petra Ral, he'd be dwelling- which may consequentially lead to Eren's demise.
Duty first.
One last look and he swung past her.
"Fall back for now," Steel eyes ordered.
Mikasa fumed, "Had you performed your duty to protect Eren properly, this wouldn't have happened..."
Levi understood her rage and rash actions. It just simply wouldn't do if he allows her to understand how he currently felt.
So, with fury might he swung his blades and body like whirlwind; each attack on the Female Titan filled with malice and anger. As much damage as he caused that titan, his heart was still heavy... because all he could think of were those dull brown eyes.
Lucky.
He wanted to chuckle.
Never would he felt so lucky after going through today.
The retrieving squad managed to collect the bodies of his members. He felt lucky... and thankful.
It was easy to spot Petra's body amongst the other wrapped ones. She was the tiniest after all. Eyes casted on her bite mark by the hand. Chances and probabilities of holding that hand was flushed out into the vast ocean. Knees bent down and he unwrapped the blood-stained cloth just enough to reveal her jacket but not her face. He needed something of hers to hold- to keep him going. With meticulous skills, he took her emblem and placed it near his heart. Hands touched the chest pocket twice- thrice to ensure Petra's emblem was still there.
His silent mourning for his squad was cut short when a commotion started nearby. Dieter was adamant on retrieving his friend's body albeit being told not to. The tall man's tongue slipped and called him cold and heartless. Levi shuts his ears off.
A smoke signal went up and titans were on pursuit.
"We charge forward," Without a glance, Commander Erwin told the crew.
Levi fell back till the very end- where she was.
It is only sensible that the living are more important than the dead and so Levi told the soldiers to abandon the bodies.
"These guys aren't anything special," Cyan eyes casted over the smallest bundle as fingers dug deep into his thighs- what perfect timing for an injury.
That was their farewell. It sucked. It was very inappropriate. He was very sorry. The cloth unraveled a little and revealed part of her blood-smeared face- and then a soft thud on the ground as her body rolled further and further away from him. He looked away just in time to avoid seeing her body in flesh getting stomped by a titan. At least he should be grateful that he wouldn't be haunted by such a gruesome sight.
No amount of condemnation upon himself could make him feel any better; lift the blame off himself.
Never in his life a goodbye tasted so bitter.
It was all his bloody fault. Why did Dieter have to get Ivan?!
He wanted to land a punch on that imbecile's face. Levi wants to kick him in the shins. Levi wants to cuss. Yell. Even kill. But he saw those sorry eyes of Dieter's. Levi understood the pain and the want to go for Ivan. Gingerly, he pulled the emblem from out from his pocket.
"This proves that they were alive... to me at least," Petra's emblem was presented in front of Dieter's tear-stained face.
"This was Ivan's," A little white lie that could comfort a heart.
Petra would have wanted it so too.
He comforts himself as gloom blue eyes lingered on the emblem. Wings of freedom- Petra and the others sure have gotten them.
Back within the walls they were welcomed with a mixtures of boo's and awe.
Her father- a sturdy old man with the same honey colored eyes greeted him with a smile, causing wrinkles by its sides and he wonders if she had the chance to age, would her wrinkles be as lovely. Never would he know the answer.
She would never get a marriage now; her youth gone.
The sun in his heart died. But he wakes up everyday telling himself that she's safe now- safe from the harm of titans and even safe from the emotional hurt he had caused her by his inactions.
His lips will never know how it feels touching hers and his skin will never find out how her touches may electrify him.
Was it possible to continue living without regrets?
Blades cut deep into titans flesh and steaming blood taints his face.
Was it possible to continue living without regrets?
If he seriously contemplates on the question, a loud crack could be heard within his soul. There's no crumbling down for him- he is humanity's strongest.
A/N: Yet another typical plot for a Rivetra fic! My second! I'll write some light-hearted ones in the future! Just wanted to get this off my chest! Review and favorites are VERY welcome!