Chapter 27

Natasha pushed past the prying agents that had crowded the halls. It would seem that even spies couldn't resist a good breakup scene. She ignored their curious glances, unseeing of the familiar faces in the crowd. Let them stare. Let them wonder, and judge, and pity. She didn't care. The Black Widow never cared. That's what made this whole situation so damn ridiculous. Nothing could ever hurt her. It was one of the perks of the job.

She headed straight for the gym. It was usually a sanctuary, a safe place- at the minute it looked like a mall on Black Friday. Natasha groaned inwardly. Before, she would have trained in the small hours of the morning, while the majority of S.H.I.E.L.D slept soundly in their beds. After New York, she had gotten used to the comfortable emptiness of the gym at Stark Tower, only having to share it with the occasional presence of the Captain.

Now, the large room was filled with brooding field agents, nattering rookies and their tired SO's. All the machines were already commandeered and Natasha wanted to ignore the weaponry training- she might put a bullet through someone's head.
She headed towards the punching bags. It suited her, when she thought about it- she'd have something to hit. She'd probably have ended up using it anyway.
Avoiding the looks of her neighbours she began the rhythmic hitting of the bag, finding comfort in the steady beating of her fists. Damn Loki. Punch. Damn the Other. Punch. Damn Fury. Damn Tony. Damn S.H.I.E.L.D. Damn America. Damn Russia. Damn her. Damn, damn, damn…

She punched until her fists bled. It took longer than it should have for her to realise she hadn't wrapped her fists. Unfortunately for her hands, she was beyond caring. She'd never care again. She refocused on the bag and ignored the hot tears that were blurring her vision.

So this was what betrayal felt like, this dull ache, this constant pain. It was no wonder it was called heartbreak, her chest hurt so much she could hardly breathe. And it was all his fault that bastard.
How had she even let herself get into this mess, it wasn't like her. But then, being this flustered like this wasn't like her either. She was the Black Widow. "Flustered" wasn't a word ever applied to her. She wouldn't let it be applied to her now.

She spun on her heel and marched out of the gym. She met every pair of questioning eyes with the same furious glance that sent Tony Stark running with his tail between his legs. She opened each door with confidence and turned every corner without the fear of meeting him. He should be scared of meeting her. And by the end of today, God knows, he would be scared of meeting her. She took a long shower, allowing the steaming water to burn away all feelings of embarrassment, of guilt, thoughts of Loki. It seemed poetic, she thought, that she was burning away thoughts of the frost giant. Then she burnt away that thought too.

Having showered, and feeling somewhat like herself again, Natasha stared herself down in the mirror. She glared at every feature, willing them to not give anything away. She was unfeeling, ice cold, a robot of a human. An essential cog in the S.H.I.E.L.D machine, and one he would not be allowed to break. To compromise.
She allowed her feet to bring her back to the door she had pounded at only a few hours before. After pausing for a single breath, she knocked. In the silent seconds that followed, she froze a stony expression on her face and waited in her signature stance. Finally, Loki opened the door.

"You told me you could explain," she said icily, "so. Explain."
He seemed shocked. Good, she thought. It would be fun to watch him squirm. Unfortunately, he retained his composure very quickly, and returned to his usual arrogant posture. "Very well. Please," He said carefully, as if the oncoming speech had been rehearsed, "won't you sit?" He continued, pointing at a low bench in his room. Natasha remained unfazed. She nodded and sat on the bench, rather ungracefully, and looked at him expectantly. Loki smiled. Was he trying to piss her off or something?

He stood silently for awhile, staring her down, like he was waiting for something. Waiting for her to brake, no doubt. She raised an eyebrow in response, which seemed to set things in motion at last.

"I have an affinity for broken things. I like to fix them, though usually I just end up breaking them more," He turned to face her. "You're very broken Natasha." he said quietly, with a half smile that seemed painfully familiar.
"You are attracted to danger, as cliche as it sounds. So naturally, there was an attraction between us. If I'm right, and I'm seldom wrong, there was always an attraction between us. You were able to best me. That... that had not happened in years." Natasha smiled in spite of herself. Beating the God of Lies had been a highlight of her career.
"After my imprisonment here, attraction very swiftly turned to intrigue. You interested me. How could someone so full of hate, so cold to humanity, who could only sleep with knife in her hand, so ardently believe in this monsters redemption? Yes, you interested me greatly. I don't the feelings on your side, but can only think they were similar. But what happened next, though perhaps it was only to be expected, stunned even me. Intrigue turned to lust. A lust that was very recklessly acted on." He reached for her hand, and seemed unsurprised when she recoiled. "Natasha I don't regret it. Even at the cost of pain. It was foolish, and was bound to end in flames, but it was real, so very real, love. I wish," he sighed, "I wish you could tell me what I could do, because I swear to you on my own life, I will not rest until it is done."

Natasha sat frozen. She could hear herself grinding her teeth, and could feel her palms itching to take his hands in hers. She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye. His speech rung out with sincerity, but looking at him, acknowledging him would tell him everything. After a few minutes he spoke again.
"Look, we have three options. One- you allow me to court you. I can show you why you faltered Natalia, I promise you I can. Two- We do what is easy and right, as go our separate ways. And three- I find your memories. I'll look for them forever if that's what you want. They're yours as much as I am, and you deserve them back. I know what is right and what is easy Natasha, but this is no longer about me. This has always been about you." His words seemed to linger in the air around them forcing Natasha to come to a conclusion. She stood and made towards the door, speaking over her shoulder,

"You're leaving whether it's to find my memories, or to go back to Asgard. I don't care either way. You said it yourself, I'm attracted to danger. And you're not dangerous anymore."

So It's been awhile. I can only apologize, but believe me when I tell you I had other things on my mind. Finally, I'm settled enough again to continue this, and probably bring it to a close within the next few chapters. I'd like to thank all my new followers from the last few months, for giving me the motivation to come back, even though I'd never truly left. I hope you enjoyed his chapter and you'll hear from me again soon. :)