Set during 3x18.

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Allow me to confess a little secret : I'm a McRoller, and a proud one!

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So time for show: Action !

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THANKS TO MY NEW BETA MARI: she's wonderful !

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Steve was on edge, his emotions were raw.

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HOW DARE SHE?! He erupted. His fist hit the wall not far from the strong box.

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He needed fresh air, fresh thoughts. Alcohol to drown his anger in. But he couldn't, not with the current case so he climbed into his truck and tried to burn off the tension by driving faster and faster and faster.

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His thoughts were a mess. Images and words kept flashing in his head, as he remembered Danny's words from few days after their first "armed" encounter. (what words?) His mind was in turmoil, more than ever before. Suddenly he realized he was home, on his lanai, his 'safe place'.

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Three days later

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Steve closed his eyes, his thoughts were still jumbled. Palming his face, he tried to ignore the rock in his stomach. Would he ever be able to breathe again, without this ache in his chest?

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He heard a noise and realized his mother was there. Just perfect. Really, Doris? He raked his hand through his hair, infuriated.

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His father was a man of few words. So was he. That meant that each and every word had a special meaning, not to be wasted. Not to be used as part of a lie.

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To impress: Yes.

To threaten: As a SEAL or the head of the taskforce, often.

To lie to a loved one? Never.

That's what he was taught.

As a little boy.

As a son.

As a brother.

As a recruit.

As a SEAL.

As a commander.

As a friend.

As a lover?

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He closed his eyes. He didn't want to answer that one, not for days. And if he wanted to be really honest with himself, he didn't want to wonder for years. Since that day he'd left her.

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Morning in Coronado. He was leaving on his first mission to nowhere. "I'll call you soon, I'll stay in touch …"

His words hadn't sound like a promise.

And they both knew it wasn't one.

It couldn't be.

It had been months until he'd heard her voice again. She was his angel. His team had fallen into a bad situation. A trap, thanks to a traitor. Later, the little bastard had pleaded guilty, trying to justify his behavior, that he'd had bills to pay …

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Steve shook his head. But it wasn't enough to bring him back to the present. His mind was powerless. His heart seemed to want him to remember what he had felt in hearing her voice again.

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In a second, she was more than a picture in his head. She became his mermaid. His lucky charm... The reason he had to fight harder, to be a better SAEL, a better Commander. No matter the number of enemies, the tiredness, the lack of weapons. So he had been. The mercenary with a knife and bare hands.

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And he went back to her ship, to her. Two days later, he was a mess. Covered in dust, blood, and God knew what else. And there she was. On the flight deck. Head high. They couldn't talk to each other, both were on duty. Couldn't smile, much, either.

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But while he was walking toward the other sailors, followed by his SEAL team, he failed to stop himself from looking in her eyes. He'd been deaf to the congratulations, cheers … nothing had mattered but her chocolate brown eyes. The eyes that called him in his dreams. His rock to go back to. Always. Through hell and high water, he would go back. For her, to her. Lieutenant Rollins. Catherine. His Cath.

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But was she really his? He jumped, feeling his mother's hand on his shoulder. Doris' hand.

She smiled.

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He noticed a cup of tea in her hand. Tea. She'd offered him tea when he found her in Japan. A fucking cup of tea. He was no longer a little boy, a teenager who liked to cuddle on the couch while sipping tea, on rainy, lazy days. Not anymore. Not since her "death".

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Not since Mary's and his departure to the continent, to Los Angeles and Annapolis. Because of her, they're hardly even siblings anymore. Until few months ago, he hadn't seen 'Mare' for years. He could hardly remember the last time he talked to her on phone.

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Danno's rambling may have helped him. To open up to Mary, to be there for her, not only in an overly protective way. It hurt. It hurt so much, not knowing how to speak to his little sister anymore. Realizing his not being in her life had resulted in. What she'd had to face without her brother to have her back.

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She used to yell: 'YOU ROCK, BRO!' from the side of the football field when she was little. Would they ever be that close again?

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He heard his m... Doris, clear her throat. He sighed and turned to face her, without a word. He didn't want to make it easy for her. He was tired and felt like a fool. He didn't want to speak to her after the conversation they'd had before he went to the funeral. About Mangosta and …

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- "She cares about you, so much … That girl LOVES you."

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He turned his head to the sea. He can smell the ocean, feel the wind on his face, but can't manage to feel peace. And even as pigheaded as he can be, he knows that this has everything to do with his "mother issues". He stands.

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- "You don't know what you're talking about, Doris, so … please, do … not… talk."

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- "Steve …"

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He turned to face her. She had the courtesy to seem sorry. Good actress? Or real? He couldn't tell. He realized right then that he didn't care. He didn't want to wonder, to cloud his mind with a thousand questions about what she was doing behind his back. Who else she may have twisted into hiding things from him to 'help protect him'. Kono? Chin? After Joe …Mick ... and Cath… He felt a pang in his chest.

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Doris was rambling on and on and on about Catherine, about the fact that he shouldn't...

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- Shouldn't ?

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Steve couldn't believe it.

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- "Seriously ? ! I'm not a child caught smoking in the backyard! You lied to me, you made …"

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He swallowed the lump suddenly in his throat.

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- "You made Cath...erine lie to me..."

- "Steve … please."

- "WHAT ? I dare you to tell me I'm wrong" His tone was harsh.

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Doris didn't know how to deal with this Steve. John had been so quiet. Persistent and stubborn but quiet...and so was his little boy. Shy and … she closed her eyes. Now he's angry and hurt.

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-"But you are. She did nothing to intentionally hurt you." She kept her head high, her eyes holding her son's.

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He sighed. She put her fists to her lips.

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- "Catherine just wanted to prevent you from worrying about nothing… She …did it for me"

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Steve turned his back to her, fixing his gaze upon the sea.

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-"Steven! She loves you, don't screw this up!

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She saw her son's shoulders straighten.

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-"Steve? Where…"

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She didn't finish her sentence. It was useless. Her son was already gone...

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Steve felt sicker by the minute as memories ran through his head "We got married this weekend, Steve"... "gonna be a father"... "it's a girl, Smoothdog!"..."Saw you with Lieutenant Rollins"..."What's going on?"... "Don't screw it up"... "Go, now!"... "Tell her, her daddy loves her"... "I love you, Champ"... "You owe me diner, Steve"... "What's that smile?"... "Ramboette"... "'mmm, good morning, Commander"...

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Steve realized his eyes were full and his knuckles were white from gripping the wheel as he drove. He heard Catherine's voice replay in his mind.

"Steve, I'm ... I promised Doris."

"You should leave, Catherine"

The gunshot at the roller rink "Danny! I don't see Catherine".

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Her calling "Here"... The eulogy from the funeral that afternoon. …"Protective even when I didn't know I needed protecting"... Crimson's words ran through his head.

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He needed to pull over before he crashed. The dizziness kept growing, it made him sicker with each memory.

Cath. She'd tried to protect him. She failed. But she was trying to keep him from being hurt. This wasn't her fault, it was Doris'. He'd screwed up. Badly.

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He hadn't said a word to Catherine earlier. He hadn't said a word to her since the coach's arrest. She could have been hurt helping him. He could have lost her. He couldn't go on like this. He stopped the truck near "their" place. Where they'd come when she'd flown in to meet him on her first day on the island after she'd "rescued" him after his dad's death.

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There was a car at the jetty. A familiar, blue one. She used to be his mermaid, his lucky charm, was she a mirage now? Cautiously, he got out of the car and approached her. He felt the air exit his lungs, breathing became easier the closer he got to her.

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She looked beautiful, she still wore the dress from the funeral service, her hair blew in the wind, and she was gazing at the sea. His heart ached when he saw the tear tracks on her cheeks and he had to remind himself to breathe.

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And then she turned her face to him.

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-"I'm so sorry Steve, I … I should have told you."

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He couldn't let her go on. Couldn't stay away from her any longer. It hurt too much. He cupped her face and leant in to kiss her, the sweetest kiss, ever.

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Slowly he opened his eyes, and she was gazing at him. He'd made it back to her. Again. He hugged her tightly, his nose in the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent, and finally, he felt safe and at peace, for the first time in days. He was home.