The Cold Dish Delivery

A long-forgotten (for some) transgression rears its head at a most unfortunate time.

Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created and are owned by people who are not me. They are the only ones who can tell me to stop.

Leonard thanked the committee and Dr. Gabelhauser and left. He mumbled to himself after he left the room "I think I probably should talk to Penny about what I'm going to do."

Chapter 3

The Disney Princess Discovery

Later that night in 2311 North Robles, Apartment 4B, Penny's place:

"Honey, you seem really distracted tonight. Towards the end killing you in Halo wasn't even fun," complained Penny.

"Yeah," replied Leonard, "I guess I am kind of distracted."

"Does it have anything to do with your tenure interview today? I understand if you really don't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, it does. I think I'm about to do something really stupid and I want to talk to you about it before I do it 'cause it does kind of affect you."

"Wow, That's big. Usually we don't talk about stupid things you do until after you do them."

"It is kind of big. Remember the expedition Sheldon led to the Magnetic North Pole…"

Thursday evening at CalTech:

"Thus far we have discussed my past research, my current research, my future research, my lectures, my colleagues, my students, my scheduled bowel movements, my firing, my mother (!), my assistant, my attendance at fundraising events, my weaving, by the way you are all quite welcome for the matching sarapes, and my sartorial predispositions. I suppose it is time to address the pachyderm on the premises… my expedition to the Magnetic North Pole." Sheldon said to the Tenure Committee.

"Quite right, Dr. Cooper," replied Dr. Gabelhauser, "It is high time we had that discussion. It has come to my attention that I was not made aware of all of the details surrounding that escapade. How is it that you failed to mention to the National Science Foundation, the President of the University, or me that your email declaring that you had proven String Theory was based upon misleading and false information provided to you by your associates and furthermore why you didn't immediately level academic malfeasance charges against them?"

"Quite simply, Dr. Gabelhauser, because none of that mattered."

"I don't understand, Dr. Cooper. It certainly would have mattered to me."

"Let me be a bit clearer, Dr. Galelhauser. Certainly it affected me. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I even resigned from the University and returned to Texas. However, I led the expedition. I designed the experiments. I chose my friends to provide support. I was responsible for the mission. Everything that occurred grew out of decisions that I made. If there was any failure at all it was a failure of my leadership. I saw no value in punishing my friends for acting as they did. I knew…know them quite well. What they did should not have been entirely unexpected.

"Additionally, though I may not have been able to see it at the time, I have been informed since then that I can be a tad myopic, a bit self-absorbed, overly focused and, I would say, intense. While these are not traits I normally concern myself with it is reasonable to assume that in certain situations they may become more evident. It is entirely conceivable that the actions my friends took were entirely warranted by my behavior. I would prefer to believe differently, but I would also prefer to believe that I discovered Magnetic Monopoles and proved String Theory. I didn't and I must accept that reality. We did, however, collect a great deal of information and even if a kernel of that information contributes to proving my hypotheses than I consider the entire sordid affair a success, painful as it may have been for a short time.

"The consequences I suffered as a result, the blows to my credibility, grew from my own hubris. I declared success based on the tiniest bit of preliminary findings. That was very unscientific of me. I would like to believe that I have grown as a scientist, a person and a friend because of that affair.

"I know that you have long since ceased reexamining my research and proof-reading my papers. I certainly hope you enjoyed the little physics jokes I included in them for your enjoyment. I assume that I have achieved the level I was at before my downfall and hopefully have surpassed it." Sheldon concluded.

"Dr. Cooper, I am surprised and quite impressed by your response. We have had our differences over the years, but I believe we have both learned and grown from them. Like you, I now consider the matter closed.

"We have another area of discussion we would like to bring up with you and I would like Mrs. Davis to take over leading the discussion." Dr. Gabelhauser concluded.

"Mrs. Davis, have I done or said something wrong or inappropriate? My past experience with you has led me to believe this to be the case whenever we converse." Sheldon queried.

"Dr. Cooper, you say something inappropriate pretty much every day, but what we have to speak about is actually, and quite surprisingly, very positive." Replied Mrs. Davis.

"I understand that some months ago you made a presentation to a group of girls at a local middle school."

"Yes," replied Sheldon, "Dr. Hofstader, Mr. Wolowitz and I were charged with determining methods by which the applied sciences could be made appealing to women as an educational and career choice and wondered if this could best be done by approaching them at middle-school age, before they had become more set in their academic ways. Unfortunately our presentation was an utter failure which was happily rescued when I contacted two female scientists I was familiar with and they went on to conduct a discussion with the students via cell phone while dressed as Disney princesses."

"Well, Dr. Cooper, you might be surprised to know that I received a number of telephone calls from some of the parents of those girls," stated Mrs. Davis.

Sheldon felt a knot form in his stomach. Had he done something wrong? Were they demanding his head?

"Please don't worry, Dr. Cooper," said Mrs. Davis, concerned when a look of alarm crossed Sheldon's face. "The parents called looking for guidance. They wished to know what classes their daughters should be taking in order to better prepare them for high school, university and a career in the sciences. To be honest, we were quite surprised to receive the calls and, to be blunt, shocked to learn you were involved."

"Mrs. Davis, I played a very small part in the exercise. Any credit for the success belongs to Drs. Amy Farrah Fowler and Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz, a neurobiologist and microbiologist, respectively," informed Sheldon.

"Dr. Cooper, after I received the calls I decided to visit the school and speak to some of the girls who attended. They remember Drs. Fowler and Rostenkowski-Wolowitz and said they were quite inspirational. But they also remember you quite clearly. They said that after a bit of bad start, you showed real interest in them and respect for them and that it was your idea to involve the two female scientists. You made quite an impression. They also recalled that two other male scientists were there but they couldn't remember their names."

"In addition to that situation, we are also aware that our female graduate students are very impressed with you and very much enjoy your all-too-rare lectures and presentations."

"I have to say that I'm quite surprised. Previously my impression has been that your attitude towards women is, let us say, antiquated."

"The University wishes to do greater outreach to young women and girls to get them more involved in the applied sciences from a younger age. The University would like you to continue your efforts in this area. If you are granted tenure we would like you to work closely with me to spearhead an effort in this area. This would involve regular visits to middle schools in this area and possibly in other parts of the country. We anticipate that this could take up to a week of your time each month. The Disney princess costume is, of course, optional."

"Mrs. Davis, I am sure that there are others who are much better qualified than I. Perhaps Dr. Leslie Winkle could do it? Or perhaps the University could revisit hiring Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton?"

"Dr. Cooper, we considered both of those options. We feel that Dr. Winkle would chase away more girls than she would attract. And Dr. Plimpton is unfortunately currently involved with no less than three sexual harassment lawsuits. No, you have already proven yourself to be successful in this area. If granted tenure it would be your program to manage. You would be working with our female grad students, many of whom are eager to work with you. Even if you are not granted tenure we would still appreciate your participation in some capacity."

"Mrs. Davis, thank you for considering me. I shall have to give it serious thought," Sheldon concluded.

"I believe we're done now, Dr. Cooper. As I have told the other candidates, you will be made aware of our decisions regarding tenure in due time," said Dr. Gabelhauser. "You understand that none of what was discussed in this room is to be shared with anyone else, especially the other candidates. Failure to abide by this stricture will affect your standing in the academic community."

Penny's Apartment, Thursday Night.

Penny opens a bottle of wine and sits down with Amy and Bernadette. Sheldon walks in carrying small shopping bags.

"Thank you all for coming to the second meeting of Sheldon Cooper's Council of Ladies. I appreciate your making the time for me on such short notice on Anything Can Happen Thursday. You will each receive a gift bag containing Maxi Pads, a yogurt that helps you poop and the special commemorative t-shirt you failed to earn at our last gathering. Let's hope this one goes better. Now please remember, all subjects discussed at this meeting are confidential and the dissemination of any information learned herein without my permission will result in three strikes requiring you to take my online class."

Amy spoke up, "Sheldon, I hope we won't be Ricardo Shillyshallying around this time."

"We won't," Sheldon replied. "Let me get to the point. I was informed of something at my tenure interview earlier this evening that confused and alarmed me.

And some of it is actually your responsibility, Amy and Bernadette. I was informed that the telephone discussion I arranged with those middle school girls last spring was a huge success. Because of that and my inexplicable appeal to female graduate students, the University believes that I have the capacity to inspire young women to become involved in studying the sciences, especially physics, and advancing academically. The University considers it very important that I continue doing this and, in fact, if I am granted tenure they would like me to increase my activities in this area significantly, and that could result in delaying my own research and my eventual acquisition of a Nobel Prize."

"Sheldon, that makes some sense," offered Amy. "Women are under-represented in the applied sciences, especially in physics. Fewer have advanced degrees and fewer still are given the opportunity to head departments or schools. It is quite unfair."

Bernadette offered "It's about time!"

"I understand this," said Sheldon, "and assumed that this was because there are fewer opportunities to discuss shoes, unicorns and like subjects in the physics field. However that is neither here nor there. Assuming I accept your hypothesis, and it is essentially the same information I was provided earlier, here is my query, "How am I doing this? It was certainly not my intent, for if I sought to do such a thing I wouldn't have the first clue how to start."

Amy offered, "It is possible that the middle school students were predisposed to a possible career in the sciences and we just pushed them over the edge."

"I considered that. However, new information was brought to my attention. The students were recently approached and questioned about the event. They remembered the phone call and your names, Amy and Bernadette, and considered you to be inspirational, as I knew you would be. They also remembered me. Well, they should. But they remembered me fondly. They liked me. However, they barely recalled Leonard and Howard." Sheldon replied.

Penny piped in. "Sheldon, how did you get Ramona and the other grad students interested in working with you?"

Sheldon responded, "I really have no idea. It is certainly not something I do intentionally. After I deliver one of my lectures they just appear, often offering me free food."

Bernadette offered, "It's because you're a cutie!"

"Well, you do have a cute butt," Penny added.

"It must be something you're saying," said Amy. "Have you examined your notes?"

"My lectures are the same whenever they are delivered. The same verbiage. The same tone. The same asides. I am completely flummoxed. I don't know what is inspiring the labradoodles."

Penny jumped up. "Oh my God. I know what it is! You're Homo Novamacallit. They're all labradoodles. You treat everyone at your lectures with exactly the same dismissive attitude. Boys, girls, labradoodles…you act like they're all exactly the same. Well, you actually act as though they're all stupid, but I guess they didn't pick up on that. I didn't take a lot of science-y stuff in school but even I know that in science classes the teachers all figure the boys are going to do better than the girls. And the girls sense that and act exactly like they're expected to. When you talk to them it doesn't matter to you. You may disrespect all of them but in exactly the same way and to them it looks like you respect them. They're not boys or girls. They're all labradoodles!"

"Sheldon, that actually makes a lot of sense," added Bernadette.

"I agree!" added Amy.

"Well, ladies, it seems that you've earned your shirts and other goodies. I'd advise that you all don't eat the yogurt at the same time. Our building's plumbing might not be able to withstand it. Now I have to consider whether this is something I wish to do with my valuable time."

"There is also a related issue, though, and it is also your fault, ladies. For some reason the committee is under the impression that these lectures might best be delivered while wearing a Disney Princess costume," Sheldon said as he exited Penny's apartment.

Sheldon, Leonard and Raj were sitting in the cafeteria at CalTech on Monday waiting for Howard to join them for lunch when they heard a racket from out in the hallway. It sounded like a dropped tray followed by cheering and clapping and shouting. Howard ten arrived looking a little confused.

"Did you see what all that noise was about, Howard?," asked Raj.

"Um, yeah. They just told Kripke he'd been granted tenure while he was on his way back to his office with lunch. I'm a little surprised. I was sure one of you would get it. Did something happen with your interviews?" replied Howard.

"Hmmm. Interesting," said Sheldon. "After I withdrew my name from consideration I was sure that you would get the position, Leonard."

Leonard, looking a little surprised, said "Sheldon, I withdrew my name from consideration the morning after my interview. After discussing it with Penny, we decided that I really didn't deserve the position right now."

"Leonard, why would you think that?" asked Sheldon.

Leonard responded "They brought up the Arctic expedition and we had a pretty good discussion about it. Sheldon, what I did, what we did, to you was really, really wrong. You don't do that to a colleague and you certainly don't do it to a friend, no matter how they act. You offered us a once-in-a-lifetime experience and what we did was crap on you in return. You've spent years recovering your credibility and we got off without even a reprimand. The University has no intention of punishing us for what we did so I decided to punish myself. I don't know whether I would have been granted tenure, but I did know that if I was it would be like being rewarded for something I did badly. I just wouldn't have felt right. I thought that I had a chance to do a little bit to balance the scales. There will be other opportunities in the future. I just wanted to do the right thing now. I also think that, now that we have some perspective, the four of us should get together and hash out what happened up there and really put it all to rest. We've been ignoring it for too long and I feel like it's been festering. When Gabelhauser brought it up I almost felt relieved. Scared out of my mind at first, but then relieved.

Raj piped in, "Dude, I didn't think I had a really good shot at tenure anyway. I just wanted to go through the process to see what happened. When Gabelhauser brought it up during the interview I told him everything and then withdrew on the spot. I just had to preserve my karma."

"Sheldon," asked Leonard, "How could you possibly have withdrawn?"

"During my interview they brought up some additional responsibilities they wished me to take on. Now while I am perfectly willing to assist with the program they wished me to take charge of, leading of it would be a lot of additional work not very relevant to my research and could delay my getting a Nobel Prize for years. And I certainly did not wish to dress as a Disney Princess."

"Um, Sheldon," said Howard, "that really brings up more questions than it answers."

Just then Kripke came into the cafeteria and made a beeline for their table.

"Hewwo, woosers!" he said.

All four stood up and offered him their congratulations.

"Kripke!" said Sheldon. "Congratulations on your being granted tenure. I'm sure you'll make a lovely Princess Jasmine."

Kripke walked away with a confused look on his face.

Sheldon, Leonard, Raj and Howard looked at each other, smiling. They didn't feel like losers at all. They actually felt like they were on the way to winning back something they might have lost years ago.

A/N: So that's it. I actually found a way to include the girls, give Penny a couple of moments, and add a little bit of funny. I hope it works and wasn't too much of a curveball. I'm also not sure I got Sheldon's voice exactly right. But maybe next time, if I find I have a story to tell. I have the germ of an idea for one but haven't quite come up with an approach. Just a hint though… It bothers me a little that our pals are almost entirely unconcerned with how their research could be used. Sheldon's heroes from The Manhattan Project became concerned with the moral implications of their research. That should inspire him to do more than name cats after them. I understand the economic forces that guide academic research, especially these days. But I see Leonard accepting Department of Defense funding without question. I see Bernadette working with deadly microbes for Big Pharma. Amy's funding comes from a Saudi prince. There are some real moral implications to all of this and I guess I'd like to explore that. And also make it funny. Comedy can teach.

The positive reviews have been amazing and I'm really appreciative. And I'm really overjoyed that I was able to screw with the Puritans and still deliver a story that fits canon (even though I firmly believe that there should be no such strictures on what we make up in this land of make believe). That'll teach the closed-minded little pissants. Judge not lest ye be judged nine ways to Sunday! So thanks for coming on the ride and I hope to come back around sometime soon.