A/N: First of all, English isn't my main language so there's going to be a lot of errors in this, I think. (Somebody beta me, please ;_;) I haven't written anything in a long time and this is actually the first fic I'm publishing in English so.. hehe, I'm nervous! This is nothing too big, just wanted to write something. I hope you can enjoy it even though it's.. it's very messy.

He knew that Leo didn't mean to do it, knew that his brother could never mean it. But still, it always happened – no matter what you told him, it always happened. And who were they to give orders to their leader? Their sensei had chosen Leo, so surely he was the right one to lead. He had never questioned their leader, Raph usually took care of that, but somehow they always ended up having trouble. Blood on their hands. It wasn't always theirs, but it wasn't always their enemies either. There was so much of it.

It wasn't the way Leo led them, it was who they were, probably. But that was a different story, and life would be just that much easier if it wasn't for their enemies, the ones they were up against at. The Shredder, hunting them down like a madman, using whatever it took to get them, Karai, who made it look like she had a sense of honor, but always ended up stabbing them in the back. Honor... He was so full of. It's not like he didn't agree to be honorful, but it was impossible to fight cheating and dirty opponents with honorful ways. The enemy always cheated. And Leo was supposed to be clever, not as much as their genius brother, but clever. But the blue-banded turtle just didn't seem to get it, maybe he was just stubborn, not as much as their hotheaded brother, but stubborn.

Mikey couldn't form a sentence like that about himself and Leo. Were they really that different? Were they.. distant? He had never felt like that, but what if Leo had? It was true that Leo was the one who spent time alone the most, but he knew how to laugh with his brothers. He just needed space. He needed... time.

Flashback

"Ah, Leo! That butterfly got caught in a spider web, the evil spider will eat it!"

"Calm down, Mikey. It's.. it's just how nature works. If you're not fast enough.."

"Don't say that! We can help it, right? Like this.."

Leo grabbed Mikeys hand, gently stopping his little brother from reaching the trapped insect. Mikey shot a hurtful look at his brother and was about to complain, but Leo nodded towards the spider web. Carefully Leo guided his brother's hand towards the web, showing him how to let the insect free without hurting its beautiful wings. Mikey smiled gleefully, and Leo knew that his brother wanted to touch the butterfly.

"I take it that you didn't listen to Donny when he read about butterflies", Leo guessed gently.

"But I was watching a movie.. about giant killer butterflies!"

Leo chuckled. "But butterflies have really fragile wings. If you hurt them, they may not be able to fly ever again."

Mikey's face had turned into a smile, but now he turned to look at his brother, shocked that he could've done something so horrible. "I.. I didn't mean to..!"

Leo patted his arm softly. "I know. But look, Mikey, you changed the future."

Together they had freed the butterfly, and now it could spread its majestic wings and fly away. "Kind of like the superheroes in my comic books, right Leo?" Mikey laughed, looking at the butterfly with wide eyes, amazed. He chased after it to see it for as long as possible, while Leo wondered how the little beauty had made its way down here. His attention was quickly taken by the web's owner himself, the spider.

The spider moved quickly, looking a little lost. Maybe it had imagined a delicious dinner for tonight, just to be disappointed greatly. "Don't you feel bad for it?" Leo asked Mikey, who had come back from his chase. Mikey looked confused. "What do you mean? Didn't we save it?"

"I meant the spider." Mikey let out a girlish scream, taking a few steps backwards. But Leo made a face at him and Mike came carefully closer, curiously looking at the tiny creature. "It's scary.. and it almost ate that butterfly! Bad spider!"

"We took away its dinner", Leo said quietly, stopping Mikey from poking the spider. "We probably killed it. But now the spider isn't a killer. We are."

Mikey fell silent, but he still couldn't feel pity for the scary creature. "But they could've eaten something together. They didn't need to kill anyone", the younger one tried, sounding sad. Leo raised his gaze from the web, smiling at the words. "Yeah. Too bad it's not how nature works."

"Yeah.. I'm not really hungry after this, but you know, we could share the pizza leftovers from yesterday.."

"We could. You go ahead."

"Sure thing! I'll warm it up, so don't take too long!"

Leo looked at the web, but the spider had disappeared. It probably got scared of Mike's attempts at poking it. Mikey was probably too innocent to realize what Leo had really been talking about, but that was good.

No one needed to share the weight of these simple, yet not so simple things with Leo. He could carry it himself.

Flashback ends

Mike surely wasn't that innocent anymore, but boy did he wish for it to come back. Ignorance is bliss, but bliss had hided itself from them long ago. At least that's how it felt when his palms turned white from gripping the sheets of the bed he had kneeled next to. Maybe, when you had bliss, it stored itself in ones lungs. That would explain a lot, in his opinion. Because there was a hole in Leos lung, a hole where bliss had surely escaped from.

The wave on the screen of the beeping monitor flickered like the weak wings of the butterfly Mike and Leo had saved long, long time ago. He had seen the guilt in his brother's eyes, but he had never felt guilty. Not after seeing the butterfly being able to fly away.

Donnie said it was bad. The hole was bad. It made Mikey think about the spider web, full of holes, but strong enough to catch a butterfly. He would've told it to Don, but there was blood. He would've told about the butterfly too, but there was so much blood.

They all knew it – Leo was gentle. A leader needed to be. Firm but gentle. A brother needed to be. Firm and gentle. Something Mike wasn't able to be right now. His hand desperately grasping his brother's, too hard to be called just firm, way too hard to be called gentle. There was a hand on is shoulder, which was far from gentle as well. Perhaps gentleness had escaped along bliss.

"Close it", Mikey whispered, pleaded. Their purple-banded brother had learned the ways of a doctor along the years of pain and hurt, and had some interest in it along engineering. All of them knew the basics, but they usually trusted Don in things that were even a bit more complicated than cleaning up a wound. Still they knew that even Don couldn't handle everything, tools were kind of limited in the sewers, and most of his knowledge was book and internet based. Don was probably the most gentle of them all, but he had learned to stay strong and emotionless – well, at least a bit – while dealing with blood and broken bones. But everyone saw his hands shake now. "Please, Don-"

"My son", their father sighed tiredly, looking at his youngest. "We are all-"

"I need help", Donnie cut in, his words almost getting caught in his throat. Raph was there in a blink and so was master Splinter, but Mike couldn't get his legs to move. He remained kneeling, staring at the blood making dull shapes on the floor. He wanted to take a bucket and save every little blood droplet. If he had managed to save the butterfly from the spider, then surely he could save his brother from the bullet.

He had changed the future of the butterfly which he had known for a minute or so, but couldn't change something this simple for his brother who he had known for his whole life. He felt like he was that scared child once again, a child who thought he had almost killed a butterfly. Because Leo had once again grabbed his hand and showed him away so that he couldn't hurt himself by his own actions. Too bad that it didn't work this time. Too bad that it had been a bullet instead of taking wings from a butterfly.

Loud and bitter beeping drowned his quiet sobs, as the flickering wave on the monitor started to slowly lose the fight it had left in it. With a shaking hands Mikey took Leos hands in his own once more, ignoring the warm blood, pressing his cheek against his brother's cold hand.

"Just this once, Leo", Mikey choked. "Don't be gentle. Don't pity the spider." Don't pity the dying ones, help them back on their legs.

They'd just need... time.