HEEHEEHEE. THIS IS MY NEW STORY. A guest reviewer by the name of FMAreader said I should write a story where Edward had to pretend he was Colonel Mustang's son on a mission. I know, it's sort of a cliche, but I COULDN'T RESIST! NYAHAHAHAA! In case you somehow hadn't already gathered, it's Parental!RoyEd (Seems like that's all I write...). As usual, you can pretend it is Yaoi, but that might be a little difficult because Roy talks about girls a lot later in this story. (I mean, he is Roy...)

I hope you enjoy!

"So, Colonel, what's this all about then?"

Edward Elric scowled, crossing his legs and slapping his hands onto the arms of the chair bad-temperedly.

Roy sighed, which Edward should have seen as a bad omen in itself. He looked at the younger alchemist scathingly, his smirk absent from it's usual post.

Edward's eyebrows rose in mock surprise. "O-ho! The great Colonel is in a bad mood!"

"Don't be rude, brother," Alphonse chided gently, the glowing red spots of his eyes flicking from his brother to the black-haired man at the desk. "We heard you needed something from us?"

Roy stood up and wandered over to the window, pulling down his sleeve over his hand and wiping at a smudge on the glass.

It was a clear, somewhat sunny day, and would have been quite pleasant in Roy's books, had his situation not been quite so troublesome. This was not an assignment he'd ever wanted to receive, and the Fuhrer's last orders just made it even worse than Roy had ever imagined possible.

Riza Hawkeye stood a little off to the side of the room, like a watchful blonde statue.

"Have you ever heard of the country of Kambei?" he asked blandly, moving his hand to inspect the patch of glass.

"Nope," Edward deadpanned. "Never in my life."

"Um, yeah… I have," Alphonse said quietly. "It's a small country to the south-east of Amestris. We don't share a border though. It's south of Xing and the eastern desert area, and east of Aerugo. It's famous for it's nice climate, partial Xingese sense of culture and beautiful surrounds. They have a healthy trade with us and a small amount of soldiers that fought in Ishbal were Kambeian. That's about all I know."

"Good to see you know your geography, Alphonse," Roy commented. "Well, as you pointed out, they have a booming economy and trade with us regularly. Silk for cotton, honey for milk, mangoes for apples… That kinda thing. Anyways, we need to keep our alliance with them healthy, because of the strategical advantage the positioning holds. As in, if Aerugo should decide to play up with the border skirmishes again, Kambei can attack from their east and create a diversion, so on and so forth. As part of keeping this alliance good and happy, our countries hold a meeting with all our allies every two years."

"Can you cut to the chase, man?" Edward grumbled, shifting impatiently. "I've places to be and errands to run."

"Well, you might have to put those off for a while," Roy cut in icily. "Because I'll take as long as I need to explain, and then I'm going to waste some more of your time to tell you what the assignment is, and then you'll have to wait even longer as I'm sending you off on it."

Edward let out a horrendous groan, smacking his head into the coffee table and making the glasses sitting on it jump. "Are you serious?! I just got a lead that might actually be the real deal!"

"Please watch out for those glasses," Hawkeye put in, closing her eyes all-knowingly. "If they smash it'll be a hassle to clean up, and the shattered glass could present a safety hazard."

"I wouldn't put money on it, Fullmetal. You say that every single time I put you on a mission before you want to head off on your own."

"Yeah, but this one—"

"Is most likely nothing. Sorry to crush your hopes."

Edward stared death at his superior.

"As I was saying," Roy began again, this being more of an order than a statement. "This year, the meeting is being held in Kambei. Normally, the Fuhrer himself would be required to attend, but he's currently on an important - and apparently classified - excursion to a northern country and is unable to make it to Kambei. If this were any other day, one of the Generals would be asked to stand in, but all of them are also preoccupied. For example, General Hakuro is going through family matters and major issues in his district, General Armstrong is busy with a serious border dispute at Fort Briggs, Brigadier General Gran is attending a meeting regarding a peace treaty with some country out east, etc, etc, bla, bla, bla." Roy flicked his wrist in a rotating motion, indicating how little he cared for the matter.

"Your point?" Edward drawled in irritation, earning him a kick in the ankle from his brother.

"Somehow, as ridiculously improbable as it seems, the responsibility has slipped lower and lower down through the ranks as each General, Lieutenant General, Major General and Brigadier General has managed to scavenge up some excuse as to why they can't attend."

Roy turned back to the two brothers before him, his face shaded with a hundred tones of discontent. "I'm not sure how good your knowledge of military ranking is, you two, but I'm pretty sure you know which word is carved onto the next lowest rung of the ladder."

"Colonel," Edward stated dully. "It's Colonel, isn't it?"

Roy gave something that was probably considered a nod on some planet, and spat out a chewed-up remainder of some form of, "Yes."

"And you have to go."

"Unfortunately," growled Roy. "It would appear that having a notorious serial killer roaming the streets of your district isn't a good enough reason to remain in Amestris."

"Why don't you want to go?" Alphonse asked curiously. "Kambei is supposed to be one of the nicest places around."

"Yes, I know, and I wouldn't actually mind going there under any other circumstance. I've heard the women there are quite beautiful…" Roy trailed off, a flicker of excited desire flicking across his features.

Hawkeye's eyebrow snuck notably higher on her face and her hand moved slowly to the holster at her waist.

Then Roy pulled a face and said, "But being on business just sucks. I can't go anywhere on leisure and it means I won't be able to get back there for some time… And there's something else, too."

"Before you go on, what does any of this have to do with me?" Edward broke in.

"I'm actually just getting to that," Roy said, sighing again. "The requirements are that only one representative is allowed to go, as a sign of trust. The Fuhrer, however, isn't comfortable with sending me up there alone, mainly because of the travelling through old Ishbal and because the Prince of Aerugo's going to be there… I think he knows I don't like him…" Roy frowned. "But anyways, he's asked that someone be sent there with me."

"So whoever goes with you needs to go undercover. Like…as an assistant or something?" Alphonse figured.

Roy nodded. "And it can't be Lieutenant Hawkeye. There's not a person out East that doesn't know about the Flame Alchemist and the blonde sniper woman he totes about."

The 'blonde sniper woman he totes about' comment earned Roy another death stare from the soldier herself.

"So, Fullmetal. You're pretty good at maths. Put two and two together."

Edward's eyes widened and his jaw literally fell open. "You mean…I gotta go with?!"

Roy ground his teeth and nodded, stalking over to his desk and sitting down. "Yup. And that's not the worst of it."

"What's worse than that?!" Edward exclaimed.

"You have to go…in the guise…" Roy, folded his arms on the desk and uncharacteristically settled his forehead between them so his next words came out muffled through his arms. "…of my son."

There was an audible thunk as Edward's jaw became closely acquainted with the floor and a clack as Alphonse's hands fell to his sides.

And then there was dead, chilling silence in the room as Roy's words hung thick in the air. It lasted for ten seconds straight, and was probably the quietest that the office of Colonel Roy Mustang had ever been.

Ever.

This was up until the door to the main office burst open and in tumbled Lieutenants and Colonel Hughes, Havoc and Breda, Warrant Officer Falman stepping in around the three sprawled on the floor and Sergeant Major Fuery standing timidly in the doorway.

"You missed a step, Roy!" Hughes hollered from his position sandwiched between Havoc and Breda. "You're supposed to get married before having kids!"

"It-it was their idea, sir!" Fuery squeaked. "I didn't want to eavesdrop, but they kept repeating everything you were saying!"

"Bwahaha!" guffawed Breda, rolling onto his back and crushing his two cohorts as he did so. "The Colonel… A father! That's hysterical!"

Havoc squirmed out from underneath the larger man, rubbing tears from his eyes. "The Fuhrer's done it this time…!" he wheezed. "That's plain frikkin' crazy! I reckon he's doing it just to annoy you!"

Hawkeye merely watched in disdain as the three men rolled about in feeble attempts to disentangle themselves from each other, somehow ending up with Hughes' foot stuck in Breda's mouth and Havoc's hand in a place that probably shouldn't be mentioned.

Eventually, the three managed to stumble to their feet, panting and grinning, and stare at their fuming commander.

"That was a good joke, sir," Havoc huffed, his stupid grin beaming away on full blast

"Yeah," Breda continued. "I didn't peg you for the jokester type."

Hughes nodded. "Didn't think you'd actually ever get off your butt and pull off a stunt like that."

Roy made a noise that sounded as if it was stuck halfway between a rabid dog growling and an old man's dying breath. "Do I look like I'm joking?"

The newcomers shared a mutual stare of disbelief before their jaws joined Edward's on the floor.

"But seriously, Roy," Hughes started again. "You've gotta be kidding! An order like that?!"

"Would I make a joke about this, Hughes?" Roy asked, his tone dangerously low. "You've known me for years; do you really think I'd pull something like this?"

The man seemed to turn this thought over in his head, his face taking on a puzzled, thoughtful expression. "On second thought…you're not. You're too lazy."

The realisation dawned on everyone in the room that Roy was not messing around, and that the Fuhrer was dead serious about this ludicrous order.

"With all due respect, sir," Falman began, his blank face looking the slightest bit surprised. "You'd have to be a complete fool to believe you two were a father and son. You look nothing alike."

"Apparently the Fuhrer thinks it'll slip by the other people at the meeting," Roy all but snarled, his white teeth flashing angrily.

Edward still sat in astonished silence, his jaw still giving the appearance of a stranded fish.

"I think you sent him into shock," Alphonse stated disbelievingly, giving his brother's shoulder a gentle nudge.

Havoc added, "You don't act alike either, though."

"I'm sure your own father acted in a very different manner from you, Lieutenant Havoc," Hawkeye said authoritatively. "He probably acted as if he had at least half a brain."

"Burn," hissed Breda.

"Gaaah," was Edward's response.

Alphonse poked him a few more times, but to no avail.

"And you're really, truly, honest to goodness, one hundred percent serious about this?!" Breda exclaimed.

"For the last time, yes!" Roy almost shouted, his annoyance peaking.

Hughes bounded forth into the room, grabbing his best friend's hand and shaking it enthusiastically. "Well then, congratulations, Roy, ol' buddy, ol' pal!" he called to basically the whole room. "You've done it a little backwards, but I'm sure it'll all be fine once you marry the good Lieutenant over here like we all know you've wanted to for years!"

Roy smashed his head into the desk, Hawkeye pulled a gun on Hughes, Havoc hit the floor again, Breda slapped a hand over his mouth, Fuery snorted, Falman actually smirked, Alphonse let out a squeak and Edward remained frozen in shock.

"HUGHES!" Roy roared, throwing his chair back and jumping to his feet as the man sprinted at almost inhuman speed from the room.

"Sorry, gotta go! I hear Grand Central calling me back!" came his voice through the door.

"I'm going to incinerate that man!" Roy fumed, dropping back into his beloved chair. "I'm going to burn him to ashes and watch him blow away on the wind!"

Hawkeye holstered her gun, her face expressionless. "Alright. You do that. Go and kill your best friend and one of your most reliable supporters."

"I don't care if he's my bloody wife, I'm going to kill him."

"On to the matter at hand," Riza said with a sigh. "You four. Out of here. Get back to your posts or receive the same treatment as has been threatened Colonel Hughes."

Slam!

They were gone.

"I REFUSE! NAH-UH! NO WAY! NOT IN A HUNDRED MILLION YEARS!"

Unfortunately for the remaining group, Edward seemed to have finally come to his senses. The blonde teenager was on his feet, his face an infuriated and alarming shade of bright red that gave him the appearance of a boiled lobster. An angry one. "Who says I'm gonna comply with this?!"

"Law," Roy muttered.

"TO HELL WITH THE LAW!" Edward screeched. "There is no way on this planet, Amestris, Kambei or flipping well Xing that I am pretending to be your son!"

"Hey, it's not like I'm ecstatic about working with you either!"

Edward took a deep breath, burying his forehead in his palm. "Just… Just no. I can't do that. Can't."

Roy bared his teeth. "You, my friend, do not have a choice. I have a nice fancy bit of paper lying somewhere about this office with your name printed right on the bottom. And what that piece of paper says is that you have to do everything the Fuhrer orders."

He scowled. "And the Fuhrer has a nice fancy bit of paper with my name written on it that means I have to do whatever he wants me to. So there. Until such a day as I own all the military's fancy bits of paper, we all obey the Fuhrer King Bradley."

"Oh, no. No, no, no. No. Nah-uh. No way. Not a chance. Find someone else, because I'm totally out of here." Edward shook his head and grabbed Alphonse's wrist. "C'mon, Al. We're leaving."

"They've got a library in the city you're staying at that's full of alchemy books Amestris has never seen," Hawkeye stated, watching Edward screech to a halt. "I looked it up. There's even rumour of a record book written by a person who actually made a successful Philosopher's Stone."

Edward turned his head slowly to face the two soldiers. "So I can check it out if I go?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes. Only the Colonel is required to attend the military related meetings. Since you are posing as a civilian, you can do as you please," Hawkeye explained.

One could almost hear the cogs and gears whirring and clicking inside the boy's mind as he mulled this over.

Eventually…

"Okay. Fine. Whatever. I'll go, but it's only for the research purposes," he grumbled, dropping his brother's wrist.

"Brilliant," Roy sighed. "Just brilliant. Now, this is where we get technical. Fullmetal, it has to be you coming because you're the only other soldier who's young enough to pass for my…son. A wife won't do because we have so few female soldiers who're capable enough for this, save for the Lieutenant. But you already know why it can't be her. And, you don't wear a uniform - you never have - so you're not recognisable as a soldier. We might need to change your clothing anyway, though; I hear the red cloak's getting quite the reputation." Roy frowned. "Actually, where even is your uniform?"

"Don't have one."

"Why not?"

"Didn't want one."

"And they didn't have any in his size anyway," Alphonse added quickly.

Roy's smirk dashed lightly across his face once more, his eyes alight with glee. "All too big for you…?"

"SHADDAP!" Edward sat back down, his expression thunderous.

"There's one more thing, too," Roy said, as if he'd just remembered. Which, quite frankly, he had.

"Oh?" Edward spat. "And what would that be?"

"Alphonse has to stay behind."

Edward's eyes stretched wide with dismay. "What? Really?!"

Roy nodded. "No exceptions. You I can pull off. Alphonse is too big, and his body'll be a hassle to explain if there are inspections."

"B-but where'll he stay…?" Edward asked helplessly.

"Here. Don't worry, I'm sure Lieutenant Hawkeye will take good care of him," Roy assured the fretting boy before him. He flicked his head to the left. "Right, Hawkeye?"

"Yes, sir," she responded. Turning to Edward, she added, "Leave it to me. I'll see to it that no harm will befall your brother."

Edward refused to be satisfied. "Yeah, but what if Sca—"

"Brother," Alphonse broke in. "I'll be fine. You just get on with your assignment."

Edward shifted uncomfortably, letting his brother put his thick hand on his shoulder. "…Okay. Just be really, really careful, alright?"

"I will," Alphonse said with a firm nod. "Now, is there anything else we need to know?"

"We should be gone for two weeks, at most," Roy began again. "You shouldn't need to bring much, just the usual travel gear. Ever dyed your hair black before, Fullmetal?"

"No, but I know how. Alchemy-style."

"Good. Do that. It'll make the whole thing more plausible," Roy ordered with a nod. "Be ready to head off. Meet me outside Eastern Command tomorrow at nine hundred hours, and book Alphonse a room in the dorms. Not in that order."

"Yes, sir, Colonel Bastard, sir," Edward responded, flicking his wrist in a half-salute. "I'll be here."

"That's dad," Roy corrected, his smirk reappearing.

"No thanks," Edward snapped.

He and Alphonse made their way to the door and left, leaving Roy and Hawkeye behind in the room.

"This mission," Roy said softly, catching his Lieutenant's attention. "I don't think it's going to go well."

Did you like it? I liked writing it, and my sister loves it. More will come soon.

BY THE WAY, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, EVERYONE! LET'S DEDICATE IT TO HUGHES!

(And to anyone who reads my other fic, 'All is One', NEVER FEAR! I just have to finish the last little bit of the next chapter and then I'll update... Until then, ADIOS!

(P. S., Does anyone even know what language 'adios' is? I don't. I'm just stupid, I think...)

:D REVIEW! *flies away on rainbow*

IMPORTANT!

Oh, yes and guys? There are a few mentions of different problems with people in this fic - panic attacks are involved and people get shot, for instance. I would like to mention before you continue that I have never experienced a lot of the events or issues I write, so I'm sorry if there are any inaccuracies in my descriptions of the characters' experiences. (Though for the most part, I seem to do a pretty alright job.)

Enjoy~!