It wasn't a particularly pleasant morning for Kaoru. As she was about to leave the dojo to go to the market, Kenshin sidetracked her with his typical grin. "What is it, Kenshin?" she rolled her eyes, fully aware what it was all about.
"Kaoru-dono, where are you going?" he inquired, wiping the suds out of his hands. Usually, nothing would disturb Kenshin from his beloved laundry but during the past couple of days, he'd rather keep an eye on Kaoru.
A very irritating and watchful eye.
Kaoru slumped her shoulders, expecting the interrogation. "I'm going to the market. See?" she replied, raising the tub of tofu for emphasis.
"Would you like me to go with you?" came his routine question.
"No need, Kenshin. I can handle."
"Oro?" Kenshin gave her a quizzical look. "Of course, I know you can handle but, would you like a companion?"
"No need, Kenshin," she replied more firmly this time. It wasn't that she didn't want to have Kenshin beside her, to accompany her but she knew what his real intentions were. He wanted to come with her not to be with her because he enjoyed her company. He just wanted to protect her, to guard her. She knew that she should be grateful and flattered even, but it was too much. Around him, she felt like a little girl in need of her father's protection. She understood that he needed her safe after what happened with Enishi but he must also understand that she can't be imprisoned for her safety. She couldn't live like that.
That is, if it could be considered as living.
Smiling widely, trying to reassure him as she said, "Don't worry. I'll be home in an hour or so. I won't be long."
Kenshin nodded upon seeing her resolute face. It wouldn't do him any good to argue with the stubborn woman.
At that, Kaoru walked out the dojo left with her lingering thoughts. Part of her understood Kenshin but part of her didn't. Sometimes she wondered if it was the protection that chafes her or the thought of being protected as a helpless child. She didn't know what to think but all she knew was she didn't like it.
She never did.
She hated being a burden to Kenshin. She abhorred the fact that his enemies would use her, she despised it not much for her sake but his. She wouldn't want him to get hurt or lured into a trap because of her. Come to think of it, it all boiled down into one thing.
She wasn't strong enough.
If she was strong enough, Kenshin would not need to protect her. She wouldn't be kidnapped. She wouldn't make Kenshin worry too much.
She wouldn't be hurt of her unrequited love.
But then, if she were that strong, would she still need him?
Her heart and soul would.
Kaoru sighed deeply in resignation. She love him. She wore on her aching heart, she did but did he feel the same? Would she ever be good enough?
Kaoru stopped in front of the stall where she usually bought fresh tofu in a reasonable price. She haggled the prices until she got a good bargain. Going over her list, she went to the stalls which sold kome and vegetables.
Doing the grocery that day seemed like a breeze. In no time, she was finished. Maybe few people went to the market that day or she was just so preoccupied with her thoughts that she did not notice how time flied. In any case, she headed back to the dojo, not wanting to give the retired rurouni a reason to worry some more.
"Hey there, little missy!" a gruff voice called from behind.
Lost in her thoughts, she didn't even a presence behind her.
"Hmph!" the stranger smirked. "I thought you were trained better than that, Kamiya."
"What?" she turned around. "How did you—"
"Funny how a couple of years erases one's memory, honya-chan."
Just then, something inside Kaoru snapped. Her eyes widened in recognition, dropping the bucket of tofu she was holding. "Tetsuya."
"It's been a long time. I thought you have completely forgotten me," he chuckled.
"What do you want?" she hissed.
It had been a long time since she had seen her father's student turned rival, but she wasn't up for sappy and mushy reunions. He had challenged her more than once to give up the dojo and Kaoru had always beaten him. Since then, they had parted ways with pure bitterness that would never diminish. Resentments were already engraved in their memories and it would never dull even through time.
Tetsuya eyed her from head to foot in scrutiny as he replied, "What I have always wanted."
"You can't have it."
Tetsuya stood straight and walked towards her, completely towering over her. "Do you have a choice?"
Kaoru narrowed her eyes, challenging his. How dare he say that word to her?
Choice? Of course, she had a choice. She had always had a choice. Whether to fight or not, to kill or not, to be protected or not… she had a choice. She was not helpless. She could control her life.
She controlled her life! She always had. It was her, not her father, not Tetsuya, not even Kenshin. Whatever had happened it was because of her decision… her mistake… her weakness. Yes, she had weaknesses but she would never be rendered helpless. Not by Kenshin and certainly not by him.
Raised one eyebrow, she sneered, "Do you have what it takes to beat me?"
Tetsuya let a loud guffaw as he grabbed Kaoru's arm. "Don't be too cocky, honya!"
Despite the pain, Kaoru faced him with defiant eyes, pursing her lips. She was about to retaliate when Tetsuya's gripped loosened as he fell on his back. Kaoru stared at his fallen body wide-eyed, unable to make sense of what had just happened.
"Kaoru-dono, are you alright?"
Kaoru trailed her astonished eyes upward to meet Kenshin's. She should have known he was following her all that time.
The redhead's eyebrows furrowed at her unresponsiveness. He placed his hand on her shoulder to snap her out of her stupor as he worriedly searched her eyes. "Kaoru-dono, are you alright?"
Upon gathering her composure, she snapped, "Were you following me?"
"What?" Kenshin face fell upon noticing that she wasn't happy seeing him there. He just wanted to protect her but it seemed that somehow, he had made things worse.
"Were you following me?" she punctuated every syllable.
Looking down, he replied barely in a whisper, "Yes."
"Didn't I tell you I can do this on my own!?" she snapped, folding her arms over her chest.
"Yes, but…"
"Then, why did you follow me!?" she
yelled out more in frustration than in anger.
"I want to protect you from people like him," he reasoned with her.
At that time, Kaoru felt her heart bursting at the surge of emotions that bombarded her. Frustration from Kenshin and anger from Tetsuya. All of them… all of them belittled her. Bitterly, she concluded. "So you don't trust me."
"Of course I trust you!" He exclaimed defensively.
"No," she shook her head. "You don't trust that I can handle or protect myself." Looking deep in his eyes, she continued in a soft tone, "Kenshin, I am a grown woman now, a shihondai for that matter, don't that deserve any credit?"
Kenshin's heart sank upon realizing how his protectiveness had affected her. Taking a deep breath, he apologized, "Kaoru-dono, I am so sorry. I do trust you and I know that you can handle yourself but…" he trailed off. He cupped her cheeks with both his hands and whispered, "I can't let anything happen to you. Please understand."
"I do understand you in more ways than you know but..." Biting her lower lips, she sighed, "Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Do you understand me?"
Kenshin did not know what to say.
Figuring that the best way for Kenshin to understand her was for him to know where she was coming from so she explained, "Kenshin, I have handled things on my own for two years since my father died. I was able to survive alone. It isn't that I do not appreciate your company, concern or protection. It's just that…" she faltered.
Kenshin looked down, knowing exactly what Kaoru was going to say.
"I just don't want to feel impotent."
"You aren't, Kaoru-dono," he stammered.
"Then please don't make me feel that way."
"I just don't want anything to happen to you," his voice cracked with unshed tears. It hurt him so much to know how unhappy he had made the person he loved most. It hurt him so much because he didn't know what else to do. He couldn't… he couldn't allow anything else to happen to his beloved. The loss would surely kill him.
"Kenshin, we are arguing in circles," she sighed exasperatedly. "I can handle myself."
"Didn't seem so when I stepped in," he muttered under his breath. Normally, he wouldn't say that but deep inside he really wanted to voice out his thoughts. He wanted Kaoru to know that he gave her the chance to defend herself but the man had already cornered her.
"Well it is because you intervened a little too early!"
"Kaoru-dono, please don't be stubborn!" he pleaded, stroking his arm.
Kaoru's eyes widened at his gesture. Slowly, she took steps away from him, her eyes brimming with tears. "Don't treat me as if I am your daughter!" she yelled. With that, she ran away, leaving a stunned rurouni behind.
Author's Notes:
This is another character fic inspired by 'When the Purple Settles' and a fanart I saw last week. I would have given you the URL but the author told me that the woman in the drawing wasn't Kaoru but an OC so I can't give it to you.
The title "Waiting to Exhale" describes Kenshin's and Kaoru's feelings that time.
Kenshin gets so worried about Kaoru's safety that it seemed that he would hold his breath until he was sure that Kaoru was safe beside him. On the other hand, Kenshin's over-protectiveness is choking Kaoru. So I guess that's it… they're both waiting to exhale.
Please tell me what you think! Leave me a review because I'm dying for an inspiration! About my other ficcies, sorry everyone, I'm just waiting to exhale. ^_~ My life is going haywire now so please bear with me. I'd be back in a couple of weeks. Yes, I am going to finish my fics!
This is for Dora-chan! Thanks for creating a dojin for my ficcie, "Best Laid Plans"
Belated Happy Birthday to Dementedchris. I am so glad you were happy. Don't forget the three magic words… "I am content!" ^__^
LEAVE ME A REVIEW! c'mon push that button. It doesn't take much to make chibi-angel happy!