Pacific Hell Chapter Two (because WTF BRO?)

Remember, this is a parody. That means that everyone will be so OOC that this fic is highly likely to cause offence to someone. If you don't like the Hansens playing the bagpipes or Striker Eureka in a kilt, I suggest you read this. I'm sure I can change your perspective on Scottish/Irish/WTF Mark-V's :D

~Pyro

Also, there's a reason this took so long. I truly honestly didn't expect to be slave-driven into writing another chapter... heck, one reader was SCARED FOR LIFE from this, and they didn't even get all the way through the first chapter! D:

Although I'm pretty sure they were warned about life-scaringness from teh totes epicsauce summary...

~Pyro

P.S. Also kinda just pulled this outta storage so meh. Prolly riddeled whith erores adn i dno't kwon if i gto lal fo tehm. os paelse baer whti em no hits noe. waht?

-.-.-.-

Now, last time anybody had seen Raleigh, he'd been at a bar, somewhere in Alaska, drinking away his rations for no reason.

That was like four and a half hours ago.

"Are you absolutely positive I can find him here?" Marshal Pentecost asked, eyes popping out as he spotted something out of place on his desk. "BLARG! YOU STUPID PENCIL I'LL BREAK YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!"

Tendo calmly ignored this outburst – it was actually annoying common. "Well sir, I did get a text from him like five minutes ago. He said he'll be working on the wall in order to keep up appearances, whatever that means."

"I'll go get him!" Pentecost yelled, leaping up so fast that his chair went flying into the back wall where a little snuggy-hole was waiting for it.

Tendo clapped like a penguin on steroids with an adrenaline rush, sugar rush, and a bazillion energy drinks. "Nice one, sir!"

-.-.-.-

"OI, YOU LOT!" Fred yelled from atop a random platform inside the wall, "I've got some news. And free beer!"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stood to attention around the platform. "OK, so I lied about the beer. Anyways, you lot want the good news or the bad news first?"

"MEDIOCRE NEWS!" was the overwhelming response. Fred's face was like 'dafuq?' as he held up three random colourful bits of paper.

"We've got three new ration-packs available. The good news is, our very own Raleigh Becket made this possible!"

Everyone cheered for him, and started passing him around like a rockstar that leapt into the crowd at a concert.

"The bad news is that Gerald, Terry, and Bob are all dead."

Everyone was sad for a moment, but then continued cheering on Raleigh like he was their famed leader.

"GUYS, HE KILLED THEM!"

Pfft, like they cared.

Fred sighed, faceplamed (1), and decided they'd just be fine as they were. Stupid sheeple.

-.-.-.-

Raleigh sat on a bar in the very high ceiling, further along from a co-worker eating his lunch. The ex-Jaeger-Pilot had a very mischievous twinkle in his eye… wait, no, that was just the reflection of his welding torch.

The one he was using the cut the bar.

And flash-fry his now-falling co-worker's sandwich…

The one that he had left about 400 meters in the air…. Look, Raleigh has a terrible sense of distance. Why do you think he'd thought there was time to go back and ask Tendo about his date before killing Knifehead?

"Omnomnomnom," Raleigh happily chewed through his grilled cheese sandwich, completely oblivious to the fact that his old boss was trying to climb his way up to him.

"BECKET! I don't believe this," Marshal Pentecost started, steam coming out his ears, face as red as a tomato, hands pointing in twenty thousand directions at once, (2) "That brick is cracked, this wall is hollow, CONCRETE VS KAIJU? I THINK NOT!"

"Dude, calm down!" Raleigh chilled, handing Pentecost half of the sandwich. "Like, turtles bro!"

"What."

The ex-Ranger shrugged. "Welp, see ya later!" he called, giving a random salute before walking into thin air. Pentecost was just left staring at him with his mouth hanging open.

"Bloody lifehaxors," the Marshal growled, inching his way back down below.

-.-.-.-

ON TEH FLOOR

"Look Raleigh, where would rather die? Stuck here, building a fail wall? Or in a Jaeger?"

"Actually, considering how many times I've been through that here, I wanna be in a Jaeger next time."

"Wait, what?"

Raleigh got up, took off his coat, sweater, shirt, singlet, thermal underwear, a scarf, two more jackets, and finally he was about to ready to start. "DOUBLE STARJUMP HANDSTAND TURKEY CRAWL EX MACHINIAM!" he screamed, acting out each move as he yelled it. Trust me when I say you do not want to know what an Ex Machiniam is.

Pentecost watched this bizarre act in silence. Five minutes and eighteen dances later, (some of which were oh-so-sensual with Fred), Raleigh was ready to leave.

"So what was that all about?" Pentecost asked once they were in the air.

"I dunno. I was bored." Raleigh answered. "What were you expecting? A giant "1-UP!" above my head?"

"WE'RE SINGING NOW!" the pilot yelled, slightly deaf from the many foghorns that had been blasted in his face. "Ninety-nine bottles of coffee on the wall, take one down, drink a third, seventy-two bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-fourteen bottles of jack on the wall, take one down, throw dynamite at him, seventeen-thirty-four-nine-plus-twelve friends of Joe's pissing on the wall!"

YES THEY WERE ALL DRUNK, HIC!

-.-.-.-

IN TEH SHATTERDOME

It was raining. Of course it was raining. Hong Tong hadn't seen anything other than rain since the Shatterdome had been built. Their nearby neighbours, Hong Kong, wanted to sue for copyright infringement and really bad genre-savvyness.

Raleigh stepped out of the helichopper, looking around and all the hot guys and hot women working about. Then Pentecost slapped the back of his head and all he saw were trolls. TROLLS IN THE SHATTERDOME! He screamed like a little girly-barbie-turtle, running towards the elevaytah. "Every man for himself- why hello there…"

"Ne manga ga ga, ga-ga-ga, go-ge-ga!" the exceedingly busty, but short Japanese woman yelled in Raleigh's face. He didn't really get the message, cos he was too busy staring at her. And imagining her in something other than a yellow bikini, despite the horrible rain and cold and staring peoples….

Heh heh… boobies, was all that was going through Raleigh's mind. He was fighting a war against Kaiju, he shouldn't be thinking about anything like this! He could fight the instinct dammit!

…

Heh heh… boobies…

Evidently not. Nice going, Rals. You didn't even bother trying to figure out what she said to you.

"Oh, hai dere. Mah name is Rayleygh Beckeet. Oi'ma Ranger," he said proudly, pointing to his bare chest with his thumb while trying to pose sexily since he still hadn't bothered to get dressed since the Alaskan Anti-Kaiju-Wall. He also mangled his accent terribly.

"MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, FREDDY!" a voice yelled at his backside. He turned around, looked down and saw… a cardboard box. With an RC tank in it.

"Who's a cute little tank? Why yes you are, you're a cute little tank. Who's a good boy, eh? You're a good buy!" Raleigh cooed, huggling the tank like he'd never huggled anything before.

Argus Yomoflach, an angry midget with a control unit for the baby tank stormed over and headbutted Raleigh in the thighs. "You little shit! I'ma bash your head in!" he yelled, starting to box Raleigh's knees.

"Pfft, angry midgets? Seriously, Stacks-"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"My nahme is Mahko Moari!" the busty woman yelled at both of them, also mangling her accent terribly.

"I think you've gone soft." Raleigh finished, before wrapping an arm around Mako Mori's waist and pulling her in. "See, boss? She loves me already!" he planted a very awkward kiss on her forehead – or tried to. The woman was that short that his head went straight over hers and into a weird Legion-like robot's face. His lips sizzled in what he thought was delight, but when he stepped back to admire his handiwork he was confronted with an angry Geth man instead.

"NO."

Raleigh stepped back, hands in an "I don't know who you are but please don't kill me!" motion. THEN he got run over with the Kaiju brains.

-.-.-.-

Hey. Hey, hey Raleigh! Wake up!

Raleigh moaned, opened his eyes, and tried to leap to his feet. But no, some idiot had strapped him to a thingy full of Kaiju brains. "NEWTON GEISZLER I DEMAND YOU CALL ME GERALD AND WOULD YOU PLEASE LET THAT IDIOT GET OFF OF YOUR BRAIN-SACK!"

Raleigh's eyes popped open. Boy, he knew things were crazy around here, but he didn't expect to see Mr. Gerald Hermann Gottlieb the Doctor Who himself!

"Uh…" he said, gaining everyone's attention. "Hi. My name is Raleigh Becket and I am your greatest fan," he said, trying to look at Gerald Hermann Gottlieb the Doctor Who himself.

"That's nice now if you don't mind I have a Sonic Assistant I need to shove up your ass. Now stay still!" Hermann told him.

He didn't want a Sonic Assistant shoved up his ass! He ran for his life, sprinting around the elevator- wait, this was an elevator? Pfft, it's no match for gravity! Raleigh floated around in freefall like everyone else, but in a much more stylish weird and crazy way.

Mako kept trying to catch all the mangas that were floating out of her pockets, occasionally throwing them at the Geth man. Said Geth man was hugging the crap out of the angry midget.

Stacker looked ready to pop yet another vein. One eye was already out of its socket in a comical "WHAT THE HECK!" fashion, and the other was neon purple for no good reason.

Raleigh finally got a look at his Hero, the 15th Doctor, Gerald Hermann Gottlieb the Magnificent.

And was sorely surprised.

"Hey! That's a Sonic Walking-Cane, not a Sonic Assistant! YOU LIED TO ME!" he yelled, charging forward like there was no tomorrow.

That's when the elevator stopped suddenly, everyone completely fine, and the doors opened up to reveal a bad look at Tendo with his pants down and a few bagels in the wrong places. "Uhh… iss noff whaff if looff life!" he said, mouth full of bagel… among other things.

Like coffee, butter, sugar, and the occasional bit of mayonnaise. He may be weird but GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER, READER!

Wait, shit… dammit the Fourth Wall wasn't meant to be broken yet!

-.-.-.-

(1) This typo was intentional. Mah buddies on the forums will know what I'm talking about ;)

(and if you Wiki-Forumers don't, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? You guys still need to review…)

(2) Inspired by this totally epic Crysis glitch involving Prophet on the road and poking him with a gun. He's all like "NOMAD THE ALIENS THEY WERE THEREANDTHEREANDTHEREANDTHERE-!" and LOL.

~Pyro