Chapter Eight: The Duel…Well, Sort Of
Disclaimer: I own nothing mentioned in this chapter… Though I wouldn't really want Celebrity Boxing…
Back at the Miz Cave…
Marius: *staggers in and puts Gavroche down* Hehe, I think we lost 'em
Gavroche: Quick, before he catches up to us, let's go find St. Peter. He likes you, he'll help us.
Marius: *awkwardly* Well…
Gavroche: What?
Marius: I don't think him and me are friends anymore. Back when I thought I was a baby, I kinda spit up on his shoes.
Gavroche: *sigh* Then I guess we'll have to just duke it out like men. *puts up his fists*
Marius: *sounding rather like Chuckie from the Rugrats* I don't know if this is such a good idea, Gav
Gavroche: You should a' thought of that before you jumped out the window.
Enjolras: *bursts through the door* Aha! I've got you now! *punches Marius* Surrender!
Marius: Do you have to wear so many rings?
Eponine: *catches up to them* You boys have no idea how to fight properly! *screams loudly*
Les Amis: *run inside*
Eponine: Haha! Works every time
Laigle: What's going on here?
Enjolras: Pontmercy stole my gamin!
Feuilly: Marius, is that true?
Marius: *panicking* It was Eponine's idea!
Eponine: Hey!
Jehan: I think there's only one way to settle this
Marius: Chutes and Ladders?
Jehan: No, a duel
Enjolras: We can't duel, you fool! Fantine and Eponine have taken away our pistols!
Jehan: *hurt* Well, there's no need for name-calling!
Enjolras: *by now, feeling very irritable* Oh, shut up
Jehan: Hey! *shoves Enjolras* Just because you're up for canonization doesn't give you any excuse to go around being nasty.
Enjolras: *shoves Jehan back* What are you going to do about it? *sarcastic*
Jehan: *struggling to work up some courage* I-I-I…challenge you to a duel!
Everyone: WHAT?
Jehan: *giddily slaps Enjolras with a glove* That's right! For once in his afterlife, Jean Prouvaire is going to put down his poetry and stand up for himself! *dances excitedly*
Enjolras: *too stunned to be angry yet* What?
Jehan: You heard me, Apollo! *slaps him with the glove again* I feel so alive!
Marius: *discreetly leads Jehan aside* Jehan, please think this over. You know how Enjolras can be when his authority is challenged. *starting to squirm* And he always yells o much when he gets mad. Couldn't you just, maybe, write him a strongly-worded note or something?
Enjolras: *shoves over to Jehan and Marius* Now wait just a minute! I'm not a tyrant! My temper does not rule me! Whatever gave you such an idea?
Gavroche: *snicker* Oh really? Then why do you lock me into that cage in the Miz Cave every time I insult you?
Enjolras: *now quite furious* Shut up! *grabs Gavroche by the collar*
Jehan: Hey, put that gamin down!
Enjolras: *shoves Jehan* You just don't know when to quit, do you? Alright, fine, you'll get your duel. Fantine, bring my pistol!
Fantine: *massaging her temples, looking ready to explode* Marcelin, I'm only going to explain this one more time…*grabs his collar and shakes him violently* WE'RE DEAD, YOU IDIOT!!! DEAD!!! DIDN'T YOU EVEN READ THE FREAKING BOOK?!?
Feuilly: I have a solution to your problems, gentlemen.
Eponine: *breathes a sigh of relief* Ah, good old level-headed Feuilly. He'll calm everyone down.
Feuilly: I know a fighting style that doesn't need death to be macho
Jehan: What?
Feuilly: Well, I got this letter from Grantaire the other day. He wrote me about this thing called "TV" he and Cosette have discovered down on earth. He was very much impressed by something he saw on TV. I think he called it "Celebrity Boxing" Anyway, he described it in great detail. I could show you how.
Jehan: Sounds good to me
Enjolras: Do I get to use a carbine?
Feuilly: No
Enjolras: *downheartedly* Oh. Well, I guess I'm in anyway
Eponine: *sigh* Well, what are we going to do now?
Gavroche: *walking around with a vendor's box slung from his neck* Real authentic insurgent's teeth! Limited supply! Get your authentic insurgent's teeth, folks! *holds up pouches full of plastic Halloween teeth*
Marius: Well, I'm going to go and get M'sieur Bear. He'd be crushed if he missed the big event.
Fantine: *yelling after Enjolras* Don't get any blood on your vest, Marcelin! It took me forever to get all the stains out of that thing!
A few hours later, a red and black boxing ring has been set up in the middle of the Miz Cave. All of the characters are gathered around, eating popcorn and cheering boisterously. Enjolras is in one corner of the ring, wearing a red and gold robe that looks something like his vest. In the other corner is Jehan, who is wearing a tie-dyed robe with purple flowers on it. Courfeyrac is in the center of the ring with a microphone
Courfeyrac: Hello, all you Mizzies out there, and welcome to…*he lets the crowd finish*
Crowd: REVOLUTIONARY BOXING!!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!
Courfeyrac: In this corner, we have Jehan the Insurgent and in this corner…Enjolras the Insurgent…*sigh* You know, you guys really could have been more creative with your fighting names. You know, use internal rhyme or something catchy like that
Enjolras: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find something that rhymes with Enjolras?
St. Peter: *opens the door* I've been looking all over for you! *looks the situation over sadly* So, this is what you're up to. Beating each other to pulp. Really, I expected better from a pack of martyrs.
Everyone: *looks embarrassed*
St. Peter: I've been watching you people! Locking orphans into cages, holding shifty court interrogations, and now this! Well, we don't go in for that sort of thing here in heaven. I'm afraid you leave me no alternative *pushes a button on the wall, opening an enormous trapdoor beneath all of the characters, who plummet to their doom screaming*
*Splash*
Javert: *paddles over* Well, hello everyone! Welcome to the Seventh Circle. Valjean, old pal! We've got company.
Valjean: *smiles warmly* Hello all! So, St. Peter finally got sick of all of you too, huh?
*Everyone nods*
Javert: Well, don't worry. We'll show you the ropes, won't we Jean?
Valjean: Of course, Snookie, old buddy
Fantine: *stares incredulously* Buddy?
Javert: Oh, yes! Valjean is my bestest friend. Now that he's become a cheat and a liar, he's much easier to put up with.
Valjean: And Snookie's not such a bully anymore, now that Britney Spears has taken away that stupid truncheon of his.
Montparnasse: *swims over to them* Hey Jean, hey Snookie. Oh, hello everyone! Newcomers, eh? Well, come on. *smiles politely* Nice to see you again, Eponine.
Eponine: Hey, Parnasse. *hugs Marius* This is my Baron, isn't he cute?
Gavroche: *swims over to Javert* I've missed you, Daddy!
Javert: *hugs Gavroche* I've missed you too, son. See, those swimming lessons I made you take are paying off, aren't they?
Enjolras: Well, so much for sainthood, eh Valjean?
Valjean: C'est la morte, I guess. Come on. I'll introduce you to all my friends. I think you'd get on well with this Jack the Ripper fellow I met the other day…
*A sudden swirl of mist clouds the view*
The Lark: *shakes her head groggily* Wha…where am I?
The Dentist: Alright, your teeth are finished.
The Lark: Wow, I was having the weirdest dream.
The Dentist: I told you not to listen to your walkman while under the influence of laughing gas!
The Lark: *takes off her walkman and ejects the Les Miz CD inside* Whew, what was I thinking?
Yep, it's finally over. Darn, now I'm going to have to find a new outlet for my insanity. Thank you for reviewing, everyone!