Genre: fluff?
Word count: 1318
Warnings: oops a lot of swears

a/n: I liked this when I was writing it but then when I was editing I liked it less :/ is the title too long?

Dan's POV

We're at a party. It's not the kind with alcohol, just a few friends, but there's a bit of music and everyone's being extra silly and laughing a lot so it may as well be the alcohol kind. Currently, Phil and I are sitting in a circle with a few other friends. Somehow one of them decided I should kiss Phil or something, because now they're all chanting "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss" at us.

Phil's got his head down and looks a bit embarrassed, he mutters something about "platonic" which is met by Chris laughing and saying "Oh yeah, like Taylor Swift and Harry Styles platonic.." at which everyone laughs.

I don't know whether it's a bad idea or not, to be honest I don't think a lot about the implications, but at this point I dramatically take Phil's head in my hands and press our lips gently together. But it's not what I expect.

I'm not meant to be feeling anything right now. Kissing Phil isn't meant to be nice. It's not meant to feel like anything other than plain skin to skin contact. Right?

Fucking stupid stomach butterflies. We sort of fit together in a way that's hard to explain; you know when you're doing a jigsaw and you're "done" but you've lost a piece and then suddenly you find it under a chair or something? Yeah. Like that, but less like printed cardboard and more like my entire fucking life, if you get my drift.

But it's just Phil, y'know? It's really hard to explain it but he's like a part of me. He means so much to me that I can't even really put into words. Like, even if he was mad at me I'd still trust him with my life. And I don't even really have to think too much about what I'm saying or doing when I'm around him, it just sort of flows. He's like a magical force that somehow eliminates all of my nerves and fear and frustration and he could make me feel better no matter what. I feel like I could tell him anything, even the things I probably shouldn't, because I just know he'd never judge me or hurt me ever. And even when everything in this world is complete shit there's still Phil, who's kind and calm and soft and gentle and loving even when I don't deserve it. Fuck, especially when I don't deserve it. Which is probably most of the time. And he's got this funny way of making everything else seem kind of insignificant in comparison to him, and I just feel 10 times better if he's with me, you know what I mean? I don't even know what I mean. Because that's not normal friendship or is it? I guess he's just a really special friend. Right?

"Dan," he whispers in my ear, "Dan, could you, um, just come to the hall with me please? I-I just need to talk to you please."

His voice sounds like it's shaking, like he's scared or something. Phil tends to be more of an independent crier than I am, instead of coming to me he'll just go into his room for an hour or two. It's not like he tells me he's just going for a cry, be right back, but I can tell. Something about the way his eyes shift uncertainly when he emerges. Of course, he always makes sure he's dry of tears and there are no red blotches left when he comes back - or maybe he's just not a very blotchy crier - but I still know. I don't think he knows I know. God, I sound really creepy - I guess I just notice the little things about him. While I've been distracting myself analysing the way Phil cries he's still just sort of sitting there looking at me expectantly, trying to avoid everyone else's gazes. I can see that he's quivering slightly and soon his tears will start to brim - this is the point where he usually excuses himself to the bathroom or something - so I know it must be serious.

"Sure, Phil."

I carefully take his hand and help him up, and then we walk quietly over to some quiet room where we can get away from everyone elses' shouting. I think I forgot to let go of his hand. Whoops. He goes and sits down on the bed and he just looks so broken and afraid that I instinctively sit next to him and wrap my arms around him. I don't really think about doing it, it's just sort of the way it happens. Like I said, that's how it usually ends up going with Phil.

"Dan, I- it was just a bit too much for me, that's all."

I don't quite know what he means but, hey, that's alright.

"What was too much for you?"

"You know, Dan! The- no, don't make me say it, I can't say it."

"Oh, you mean the kiss?"

He doesn't say anything so I take it for a yes, he just attaches himself to me and I let that happen because honestly I'd do anything for him.

"How, Phil? I don't get it…"

"I… I'm just going to say it, Dan, I love you."

Love. It's kind of strange, when you think of it. I can't even really say that I understand it. So Phil loves me - am I meant to be feeling something right now? Some surge of something, or even anything at all? Because I'm not. There's the way that you love things like your iPhone or your new fluffy socks. There's the way you love a pet. There's the way that mothers love their children and the way they love them back, there's the way you love your siblings and the way you love your friends. There's the way that couples in romance novels and cheesy movies love each other. There's the way that someone loves their job, and they're all different. That's why I don't think I get it.

"I don't get it, Phil."

"How can you not get it, idiot? That's not what I was expecting you to say."

He still looks sad but somewhat bewildered now and I know that really he's okay because his mouth is twitching into a smile, and even if it's just to laugh at me it still makes me happy that he's happy.

"Argh! I don't know, can you, like, explain how you feel? I guess that love is just such an overused empty word, you know what I mean?"

"I guess so." He looks thoughtful for a moment before continuing. "You mean a lot to me, Dan, more than anyone else ever. I feel like I could trust you with all my secrets. You're just so easy to be around, and these past few years of my life living with you have been the happiest ones out of all twenty-six of mine. You're just really incredible, Dan, and even when you're crying your heart out like there's no tomorrow you're still sort of perfect, in a way. And when you smile I get this funny feeling in my chest and when you hold my hand I get it even more and when you kissed me I- do you get it now, Dan?"

"Yeah, I think so."

He's looking at me just a touch confused a few touches more expectantly and I guess that now would be a really good time to say something more.

"Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah, Dan?"

"If that's what being in love is then I think I love you too."

"Yeah?'

"Yeah. A whole fucking lot."

"Do you want to go back to the party?"

"I love you."

"Dan?"

"I love you."

"Dan, what are you doing?"

"I don't know, I just like saying it. I love you."

"I love you too."