Author's Note: Here, have a taste of my fucked up attempt at writing crack.

"Everybody, ready your maneuver gears and your horses! Some titans have breached the wall in the western area! Move fast!"

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After that urgent statement, the Scouting Legion's head quarters immediately overflowed with activity. Shouts and commands resounded both inside and outside, and the neighing and stomping of horses could be heard. All the soldiers were hurrying to replenish their gas, sharpen their swords, and to put on their harnesses.

In the midst of all the chaos, Armin Arlert was strangely silent.

Mikasa noticed her friend's weird behavior. She looked at him worriedly and asked, "Is there anything bothering you, Armin?"

Armin chewed the bottom of his lip as his eyes flickered to Mikasa's gaze and back down to the floor. "Uh, it's just... Uh..."

Mikasa scrunched her eyebrows in impatience. "What?"

"Eren... Where's Eren?"

Mikasa's eyes widened as she realized that, indeed, the titan shifter was not in sight. She felt a sense of shame for not being so observant. "When did you last see him?"

"I'm not sure- "

"Eren is playing with his horse."

"Oh, Eren is- Sasha, what the fuck- "

True to Sasha's word, yes, Eren was playing with his horse.

"Ahahahahaha! Carrie, don't run so fast!"

"Neigh~!"

"...Is that faggot running in the field really Eren, or have I just been seeing too many titans lately?"

"Connie."

"I mean, why the fuck would he play with his horse at such a crucial time- "

"Connie."

"This is pissing me off like shit! Why the fuck- "

"Connie. Your horse is drooling on your head."

"Jean, fuck you."

Upon hearing that little bit of information from Sasha's lips, Eren's loyal bitches (Mikasa and Armin) came running to the field.

The moment they saw their friend frolicking gayly on the grass, complete with exaggerated arm movements, they both died a little inside for the sake of humanity.

"Oh! Carrie- No- That tickles!"

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"It was nice being friends with you, Mikasa- "

"Armin, don't kill yourself!"

Mikasa frantically wrenched Armin's sword out of his grasp. She sighed, and she said, "Let's approach him. We have to leave soon."

Armin resolutely nodded in agreement, and they set off in the direction of their friend.

When they were within earshot, Mikasa yelled, "Eren!"

Eren turned his face away from his horse's slobbery, frothing tongue. "Oh, hey! What's the matter?"

Mikasa cringed and briefly wondered whether she should just run away. Fast. Or shove her sword up that disgusting horse's rear. Any choice seemed tempting.

Armin couldn't help himself, so he shouted loudly, "THERE ARE TITANS, EREN! WE HAVE TO GO FIGHT THEM! TITANS!"

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"K."

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"It was nice being friends with you, Mikasa- "

"Don't kill yourself!"

Armin shoved Mikasa, and he dropped heavily on his knees. He clutched his smooth, flawless, blonde head in between his hands, then he looked up at Mikasa desperately. "Mikasa! Can't you see?! Eren is... Eren is- "

Mikasa kneeled beside her friend, and she anticipated his next words. "What, Armin? Eren is what?"

"Uh, I'm still here- "

"EREN DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK!"

At that (GASP) shocking, terrifying statement, Mikasa covered her mouth as tears flowed down her face.

She broke out into sobs.

"Eren... just... doesn't give a fuck anymore!"

"I'm still here- "

"ARGGGHHH! How could this be!"

Carrie neighed softly as she slobbered all over Eren's hair.

"Corporal, we have a problem."

"What?"

"The troops are incomplete."

"Who the hell are missing?"

"...Ackerman, Arlert, and Jaeger, sir."

"Find them immediate- "

"We did, sir. And- "

"And what?"

"...They don't seem to be in good condition."

"Why won't you give a fuck, Eren?!" Mikasa screamed in anguish as she attempted to tear out her hair.

Armin tried to shout some overly-dramatic lines of his own, but every time he tried, he ran the risk of having a taste of humanity's ultimate 'snot-and-tears' sundae combo, so he stopped. He settled for pathetic, muffled sobs instead.

Eren was long gone.

With Carrie, of course.

"Oh, Carrie... I could just stay here with you forever... Who gives a flying fuck about titans?"

Eren nuzzled his horse's mane as Carrie neighed softly, seemingly in agreement. The young man chuckled lightly.

"Oh, Carrie!"