The Horror, The Pain and the AHHHHHH!!! Slash.
I know that the favorite parody subject of late is the ever-present evil: Mary-Sue(s). It is true; they are very, very, soul crushingly bad (so deserving of much flaming). However, I feel that there is another equally worthy genre. Bad slash, my God, when will it end?? There is only one evil that compares to Mary-Sues. It's BAD slash, scary, PWP slash, that, when it isn't Legolas/Aragorn *cough*beyond predictable*cough* it's non- sensesical Gandalf/Haldir awfulness, is a dark power that rivals that of the Mary-Sue. So, I give you Slash rhovan style, all will suffer..no one is safe. Written in character and in the style of the Lord of the Rings but ever torn apart by SLASH.
It rated for language to come and more graphic imagery.
Tolkien I thank you, I'll try to be nice to them and put them back when I'm done.
The Voices
It was a windy, chill night; there were fell voices in the air
"LegolaslovesAragornLegolaslovesAragorn"
The Fellowship shivered and drew closer to the fire. The night around them grew darker and more menacing. The clearing in which they huddled was filled with terrible voices. Voices that grew louder and more demanding with each passing moment.
"SamandFrodoaremorethanjustfriendsSamandFrodoaremorethanjustfriends"
The hissing words lapped at their ears, freezing their hearts.
Boromir shuddered and turned to his Elven companion "What a twisted thought! What evil is this?" Legolas simply blanched, he knew well what was coming next. The whole of the Fellowship knew of the fate that such words held. This was the nine hundredth and eighty second time such voices had been heard over the course of their journey. It hardly seemed possible given that they had only left Rivendell four hours ago. The whole party was exhausted, this was evil they were unaccustomed to fighting.
The voices in the air were trying to force them to do THINGS to one another and the voices never seemed to run out of ideas about how these THINGS could be done.
"MerryandPippenlustforeachothersarmsMerryandPippenlustforeachothersarms"
"Oh gross, for the love of Eru, we're related!!!" Merry groaned aloud "This is intolerable, Gandalf can't you throw a fireball at these voices. Or cast some kind of counter spell? Why do they keep coming back?"
Gandalf looked weary "Meriadoc Brandybuck, do you think that throwing down thousands upon thousands of." his voice dropped to a whisper "'Authors' is as simple as throwing fireballs? This is an evil I have no power over"
"TheRangereyedtheElfhungrilyWishingtofeelthesoftnessofhisflesh"
Aragorn started and began looked ill
"Does this mean that I'm going to try and rape/seduce/tie up/cuddle Legolas.. again?"
Gandalf nodded "Or possibly Frodo but most likely the elf, yes."
Aragorn sighed and turned to his ever-whitening friend
" Sorry, nîn mellon. I mean I am sorry too about the other eight hundred times and seven times and sorry about this time and everything"
The Company looked to Legolas, who was in the process of climbing the nearest tree.
"I try not to take it personally Elessar" Legolas' voice held a timber of defeat "I cannot understand why when these voices carry in the air, you suddenly become stronger and faster than me. Why is it that I start to worry more about my hair? Why am I suddenly described with words like "soft" and "tasty"? I am not lembas. These are not things that are natural to me. By the Valar, can nothing stop this?"
"Ai!" Pippin let out a yelp
"Where's Frodo? Come to think of it where's Sam? And Boromir?" Pippin looked panicked "They were standing beside me here a moment ago"
"Over here, I'm over here. HELP it's happening again!!!"
Frodo was backed up against a tree, he had drawn Sting and was waving it feebly in front of himself. His eyes darted for side-to-side focusing first on Sam who approached him from the right then on Boromir who crept up from the left
"HELP, Oh Eru not again"
Sam's face was contorted; he seemed to be having some sort of battle with his own body. His upper half clutching at his legs as he advanced on his master
"Run Mr. Frodo! Run I can't hold them for much longer!!"
Boromir had himself wrapped around a rock and held Gimli's axe in his hand "Perhaps if I cut off my own legs this madness will stop."
"Get back, stay away.." Frodo's eyes glazed over "Oh Sam I'm SO glad you're here with me.." Then his head snapped up "No, NO not again."
The Voices came faster and more insistently now.
"AragornwantedLegolasHismanhoodburnedfortheelf"
Legolas, up in the tree, began to wonder: If he jumped would the fall kill him? Aragorn went red and moved to cover his sudden "happiness" with a shield.
"Aragornyoumanlythingyouremoveyourshirtandwhileyou'reatitgetridofLegolas'sas well"
Aragorn's hands move to the front of his tunic
"Leggy, I would have you here hard and fast, I mean.No by the Valar NO! Master Elf I suggest you remain in the tree, I am not myself. Gandalf? GANDALF?."
"GandalfandtheElvenLordsittinginatreeK-I-S-S-I-N-G"
Gandalf was too busy looking lustily at a very scared Elrond who, it seemed, had appeared out of nowhere to heed Aragorn's pleas. Gandalf moaned something that sounded very much like "Oh Rondi, yeah." and began to stroll seductively toward the Elf Friend, throwing off his robes.
Elrond drew his sword and implored of Gandalf "Come no closer, Mithrandir, I warn you come no closer!"
Elrond backed shakily towards the woods.
The moment the Elf Lord looked like he might actually use his weapon on the now half naked wizard, Gandalf found his legs had been pulled out from under him; he landed heavily on the forest floor. The dwarf, the only one of the company who was largely unaffected by the voices (there was only one white chocolate body paint and strawberries almost encounter between himself and Legolas to speak of) had tripped him. Gimli planted a foot on Gandalf's chest to stop him from getting to his feet.
"This is getting ridiculous! We'll never be able to destroy the ring if this continues happening! Sauron will win and Middle-Earth will fall."
Gandalf fixed his eyes on Gimli's boot and drew in a sharp breath.
"It passes, the voices are quieted for the moment. This cannot continue, we have not the strength to continue in this manner."
The voices were no longer compelling anyone to remove their clothing.
Frodo sheathed Sting, Aragorn stood up and Elrond disappeared, as suddenly as he had appeared, in a small cloud of smoke.
"Friend, come down from the tree" Aragorn called to Legolas, straining to see the Elf in the foliage
"No, No sir I am quite comfortable in my perch. I will remain aloft for now" Legolas climbed a little higher
Aargorn turned to the wizard, who was struggling with his robes
"Gandalf what are these attacks? For they are truly perilous, especially it seems for Legolas. He and Frodo are most often at the center of these spells. They must be stopped. They fill my mind will strange urges."
Gandalf shook his head " You are, of course, right Aragorn, son of Arathorn, but I know not how. They are random and powerful, we are puppets."
Aragorn eyes glassed over
"It's true, I love Arwen, I mean she gave up her immortality for me and I love her but EVERY time those voices sound. I start thinking 'Legolas, mmmm, have to get me some of that' or 'Frodo, he's about waist height, isn't he?' This is intolerable, I love Arwen. Really, a lot." His eyes came into focus again "Do you not see? My very speech is changed!"
Aragorn looked at the Fellowship imploringly. Boromir nodded vigoriously as if to say "I'm right there with you, brother"
Legolas, who was now standing behind the tree, peeking around it, tired to look sympathetic, failed and when back to just looking pallid.
"Maybe if we ask these *authors* nicely they'll just leave us alone so we can save the world. Do you think that would work? What is an 'Au-ou-th-err' anyway? Do they work for Sauron? Like the Nazgûl?" Pippin looked confused.
"Maybe" chimed in Merry " We could just tie up Aragorn, Boromir and Sam and keep them as far away from myself, Pippin, Frodo and Legolas as possible for the rest of our journey."
"MERRY" came the angry cry of his fellows. Merry blushed.
"I'm just trying to be helpful! You think of something then and fast because it's going to happen again, I just know it"
Gandalf nodded and began heavily.
'Authors, Pippin, are malevolent beings with too much spare time that get their jollies out by writing magical tales called 'fanfictions'. These 'fics" are the most terrible and irresistible of spells. Some of them contain the foulest abominations of the tongues of men. They are filled with things called 'plot holes' thought what a 'plot' is I know not. I believe it is some manner of whip or perhaps a mace. They are over fond of Elves it seems and especially of Legolas. But no being of Middle-Earth is safe for their fearsome attentions. They will be our greatest obstacle on this quest"
Dawn had begun to creep over the hills and the darkness gave way to a pale gray light.
Boromir leapt to his feet "We tarry too long here, we must cover as much ground as possible before IT happens again. We're never going to get anywhere if Legolas has to climb a tree every ten minutes."
Aragorn took up his sword " Boromir is right, we must keep our minds on the deed at hand. We will go onward till the next fell voices sound. But seriously, Gandalf, please try and think of an answer because one of these times we're going to be in a meadow or something and there won't be any trees for Legolas to climb."
The company resumed their march Eastward, their eyes heavy with lack of sleep but their ears straining for any trace of the Authors' voices on the winds..
How far will the Fellowship get before the Authors get them again? And what evil Slash or romance torture will be inflicted on them? All I can say is "PLOT, WHAT PLOT?!?"
This is only going to get worst.tune in next time for "Why would I want Legolas' rooster?" When another elf makes a surprise guest appearance.out of nowhere.
Praise, criticism, it's all in good fun
I know that the favorite parody subject of late is the ever-present evil: Mary-Sue(s). It is true; they are very, very, soul crushingly bad (so deserving of much flaming). However, I feel that there is another equally worthy genre. Bad slash, my God, when will it end?? There is only one evil that compares to Mary-Sues. It's BAD slash, scary, PWP slash, that, when it isn't Legolas/Aragorn *cough*beyond predictable*cough* it's non- sensesical Gandalf/Haldir awfulness, is a dark power that rivals that of the Mary-Sue. So, I give you Slash rhovan style, all will suffer..no one is safe. Written in character and in the style of the Lord of the Rings but ever torn apart by SLASH.
It rated for language to come and more graphic imagery.
Tolkien I thank you, I'll try to be nice to them and put them back when I'm done.
The Voices
It was a windy, chill night; there were fell voices in the air
"LegolaslovesAragornLegolaslovesAragorn"
The Fellowship shivered and drew closer to the fire. The night around them grew darker and more menacing. The clearing in which they huddled was filled with terrible voices. Voices that grew louder and more demanding with each passing moment.
"SamandFrodoaremorethanjustfriendsSamandFrodoaremorethanjustfriends"
The hissing words lapped at their ears, freezing their hearts.
Boromir shuddered and turned to his Elven companion "What a twisted thought! What evil is this?" Legolas simply blanched, he knew well what was coming next. The whole of the Fellowship knew of the fate that such words held. This was the nine hundredth and eighty second time such voices had been heard over the course of their journey. It hardly seemed possible given that they had only left Rivendell four hours ago. The whole party was exhausted, this was evil they were unaccustomed to fighting.
The voices in the air were trying to force them to do THINGS to one another and the voices never seemed to run out of ideas about how these THINGS could be done.
"MerryandPippenlustforeachothersarmsMerryandPippenlustforeachothersarms"
"Oh gross, for the love of Eru, we're related!!!" Merry groaned aloud "This is intolerable, Gandalf can't you throw a fireball at these voices. Or cast some kind of counter spell? Why do they keep coming back?"
Gandalf looked weary "Meriadoc Brandybuck, do you think that throwing down thousands upon thousands of." his voice dropped to a whisper "'Authors' is as simple as throwing fireballs? This is an evil I have no power over"
"TheRangereyedtheElfhungrilyWishingtofeelthesoftnessofhisflesh"
Aragorn started and began looked ill
"Does this mean that I'm going to try and rape/seduce/tie up/cuddle Legolas.. again?"
Gandalf nodded "Or possibly Frodo but most likely the elf, yes."
Aragorn sighed and turned to his ever-whitening friend
" Sorry, nîn mellon. I mean I am sorry too about the other eight hundred times and seven times and sorry about this time and everything"
The Company looked to Legolas, who was in the process of climbing the nearest tree.
"I try not to take it personally Elessar" Legolas' voice held a timber of defeat "I cannot understand why when these voices carry in the air, you suddenly become stronger and faster than me. Why is it that I start to worry more about my hair? Why am I suddenly described with words like "soft" and "tasty"? I am not lembas. These are not things that are natural to me. By the Valar, can nothing stop this?"
"Ai!" Pippin let out a yelp
"Where's Frodo? Come to think of it where's Sam? And Boromir?" Pippin looked panicked "They were standing beside me here a moment ago"
"Over here, I'm over here. HELP it's happening again!!!"
Frodo was backed up against a tree, he had drawn Sting and was waving it feebly in front of himself. His eyes darted for side-to-side focusing first on Sam who approached him from the right then on Boromir who crept up from the left
"HELP, Oh Eru not again"
Sam's face was contorted; he seemed to be having some sort of battle with his own body. His upper half clutching at his legs as he advanced on his master
"Run Mr. Frodo! Run I can't hold them for much longer!!"
Boromir had himself wrapped around a rock and held Gimli's axe in his hand "Perhaps if I cut off my own legs this madness will stop."
"Get back, stay away.." Frodo's eyes glazed over "Oh Sam I'm SO glad you're here with me.." Then his head snapped up "No, NO not again."
The Voices came faster and more insistently now.
"AragornwantedLegolasHismanhoodburnedfortheelf"
Legolas, up in the tree, began to wonder: If he jumped would the fall kill him? Aragorn went red and moved to cover his sudden "happiness" with a shield.
"Aragornyoumanlythingyouremoveyourshirtandwhileyou'reatitgetridofLegolas'sas well"
Aragorn's hands move to the front of his tunic
"Leggy, I would have you here hard and fast, I mean.No by the Valar NO! Master Elf I suggest you remain in the tree, I am not myself. Gandalf? GANDALF?."
"GandalfandtheElvenLordsittinginatreeK-I-S-S-I-N-G"
Gandalf was too busy looking lustily at a very scared Elrond who, it seemed, had appeared out of nowhere to heed Aragorn's pleas. Gandalf moaned something that sounded very much like "Oh Rondi, yeah." and began to stroll seductively toward the Elf Friend, throwing off his robes.
Elrond drew his sword and implored of Gandalf "Come no closer, Mithrandir, I warn you come no closer!"
Elrond backed shakily towards the woods.
The moment the Elf Lord looked like he might actually use his weapon on the now half naked wizard, Gandalf found his legs had been pulled out from under him; he landed heavily on the forest floor. The dwarf, the only one of the company who was largely unaffected by the voices (there was only one white chocolate body paint and strawberries almost encounter between himself and Legolas to speak of) had tripped him. Gimli planted a foot on Gandalf's chest to stop him from getting to his feet.
"This is getting ridiculous! We'll never be able to destroy the ring if this continues happening! Sauron will win and Middle-Earth will fall."
Gandalf fixed his eyes on Gimli's boot and drew in a sharp breath.
"It passes, the voices are quieted for the moment. This cannot continue, we have not the strength to continue in this manner."
The voices were no longer compelling anyone to remove their clothing.
Frodo sheathed Sting, Aragorn stood up and Elrond disappeared, as suddenly as he had appeared, in a small cloud of smoke.
"Friend, come down from the tree" Aragorn called to Legolas, straining to see the Elf in the foliage
"No, No sir I am quite comfortable in my perch. I will remain aloft for now" Legolas climbed a little higher
Aargorn turned to the wizard, who was struggling with his robes
"Gandalf what are these attacks? For they are truly perilous, especially it seems for Legolas. He and Frodo are most often at the center of these spells. They must be stopped. They fill my mind will strange urges."
Gandalf shook his head " You are, of course, right Aragorn, son of Arathorn, but I know not how. They are random and powerful, we are puppets."
Aragorn eyes glassed over
"It's true, I love Arwen, I mean she gave up her immortality for me and I love her but EVERY time those voices sound. I start thinking 'Legolas, mmmm, have to get me some of that' or 'Frodo, he's about waist height, isn't he?' This is intolerable, I love Arwen. Really, a lot." His eyes came into focus again "Do you not see? My very speech is changed!"
Aragorn looked at the Fellowship imploringly. Boromir nodded vigoriously as if to say "I'm right there with you, brother"
Legolas, who was now standing behind the tree, peeking around it, tired to look sympathetic, failed and when back to just looking pallid.
"Maybe if we ask these *authors* nicely they'll just leave us alone so we can save the world. Do you think that would work? What is an 'Au-ou-th-err' anyway? Do they work for Sauron? Like the Nazgûl?" Pippin looked confused.
"Maybe" chimed in Merry " We could just tie up Aragorn, Boromir and Sam and keep them as far away from myself, Pippin, Frodo and Legolas as possible for the rest of our journey."
"MERRY" came the angry cry of his fellows. Merry blushed.
"I'm just trying to be helpful! You think of something then and fast because it's going to happen again, I just know it"
Gandalf nodded and began heavily.
'Authors, Pippin, are malevolent beings with too much spare time that get their jollies out by writing magical tales called 'fanfictions'. These 'fics" are the most terrible and irresistible of spells. Some of them contain the foulest abominations of the tongues of men. They are filled with things called 'plot holes' thought what a 'plot' is I know not. I believe it is some manner of whip or perhaps a mace. They are over fond of Elves it seems and especially of Legolas. But no being of Middle-Earth is safe for their fearsome attentions. They will be our greatest obstacle on this quest"
Dawn had begun to creep over the hills and the darkness gave way to a pale gray light.
Boromir leapt to his feet "We tarry too long here, we must cover as much ground as possible before IT happens again. We're never going to get anywhere if Legolas has to climb a tree every ten minutes."
Aragorn took up his sword " Boromir is right, we must keep our minds on the deed at hand. We will go onward till the next fell voices sound. But seriously, Gandalf, please try and think of an answer because one of these times we're going to be in a meadow or something and there won't be any trees for Legolas to climb."
The company resumed their march Eastward, their eyes heavy with lack of sleep but their ears straining for any trace of the Authors' voices on the winds..
How far will the Fellowship get before the Authors get them again? And what evil Slash or romance torture will be inflicted on them? All I can say is "PLOT, WHAT PLOT?!?"
This is only going to get worst.tune in next time for "Why would I want Legolas' rooster?" When another elf makes a surprise guest appearance.out of nowhere.
Praise, criticism, it's all in good fun