Tony slumped forward as his face rest once again upon the cool glass of the car window, retreating further and further into himself. Someone was calling his name in the distance, but he couldn't escape the cycle of thoughts that were spinning round and round in his head...

"Tony?"

His head jerked away from the window and found Gibbs in the driver's seat, confusion painting his weary features as he slowly became aware of his surroundings. "Huh?"

"How're you holding up?"

"Mmm," he mumbled unconvincingly after an unassured pause, still withdrawn.

"Come to my place. We'll get pizza," Gibbs asserted, taking charge of the situation. "Your car will keep," he added, anticipating DiNozzo's usual struggle.

"Oh," he moved his head back to the window. "Okay."

Concern shone through Gibbs' worn eyes. Okay? That's it? No argument? If there was one thing that worried Gibbs more than when Tony didn't show his usual defiance, it was when he too emotionally drained to even try.

"If you're lucky I'll even let you pick the topping," Gibbs tried, in an attempt to get him out of his head.

"Huh?" Tony murmured, still going over the same thoughts in his mind. Mum. Roses. Dad.

"The pizza, Tony."

"Oh," he sat up, readying himself to get out of the car as Gibbs pulled into his driveway. "Right." Snap out of it, DiNozzo, he told himself, wedging a spanner through the wheel of thoughts in his mind. Or he'll think you've lost the plot...

Entering through the unlocked front door, Gibbs grabbed them a couple of beers and they settled onto the couch.

"Game's on tonight," DiNozzo tried, fiddling with the ancient remote until the tiny players appeared on screen, allowing the excitement in the commentator's voice to fill the tired room.

"Mmm," Gibbs grunted as he thumbed the number for Luigi's into his phone, not falling for DiNozzo's halfhearted attempts. "I need one large pepperoni, sausage and extra cheese," he ordered into the phone, rattling off his address to the kid on the other end.

"I thought I got to choose the pizza," Tony joked, knowing full well Gibbs had just ordered his favourite.

"Shut up, DiNozzo."

"Thanks, Boss. But I'm not letting you pay again. The whole Navy Yard practically thinks we're dating after our little lunch rendezvous today."

"I said shut up, DiNozzo," Gibbs repeated, although there was nothing but amusement in his voice. At least he's out of his head, Gibbs mused.

The two exchanged small talk over football and beers until the pizza arrived, Gibbs smacking Tony's hand away with a reprimanding no when he went to pay the delivery boy. Tony grinned sheepishly at the seventeen year old driver, offering a goofy it's not what it looks like.

Unsurprisingly, Tony didn't devour the pizza at his usual ratio of two pieces to Gibbs' every one, but instead toyed unenthusiastically with the same piece for half an hour.

"Sorry, Boss," he offered, the sparkle leaving his brilliant green eyes. "Guess I, ugh, I don't have much of an appetite tonight."

"Don't apologise," Gibbs reminded him quietly, privately proud that Tony felt comfortable enough to admit he wasn't 100% in front of him. Even if it's five hours too late, Gibbs contemplated. "Bring that box downstairs will you," he pointed towards the half eaten pizza. "I need a hand sanding the boat."

"Oh," DiNozzo retreated, self doubt glinting in his eyes. "It's okay. I'm no good at that stuff, Boss. I'll probably wreck it."

"Where do you get these ideas?" Gibbs shook his head, incredulous, knowing full well these unfounded insecurities came from the daily dose of verbal abuse dished out by Senior throughout his childhood. You'll end up in the gutter, he remembered Tony relaying to him one night after one too many bourbons, unable to stop his fist clenching at the image of Tony's disheartened face forever imprinted inside his mind.

Making for the basement door, he stopped to gesture Tony forward when he didn't follow suit. "Come on," he beckoned. "I'll teach you," and the two made their way into the security of the basement.

They sanded in comfortable silence for an hour, Gibbs coaxing Tony into taking another bite of pizza every now and then. Can't have him getting sick on me, Gibbs thought. Again, he added, grimacing at the memory of two weeks of sleeplessness, waiting for the doctors to notify him that his boy had succumbed to the 85% chance of death and would not be coming home.

"Just ask, Gibbs." Tony broke the silence, dropping his sandpaper on the workbench in front of him and pouring a shot of bourbon. "Get it over and done with." He knocked back the amber liquid and poured himself another.

Gibbs wasn't phased by DiNozzo's directness, knowing he'd have to get to the bottom of this tonight or Tony would have to wear the weight of the world on his shoulders for another day. Gibbs downed his tools, poured himself a bourbon and looked his senior field agent right in the eye.

"Why'd you ask Ducky about suicide this morning?"

"Oh, come on, Gibbs! You know why." Both his voice and face were rising in volume and intensity as he skulled the second bourbon, fumbling with the bottle to pour himself another.

"No, I don't know why!" Gibbs voice beat DiNozzo's in forcefulness. "You got plans to off yourself in the near future, DiNozzo?" He spoke Tony's name with spite, letting out the bitterness he'd been bottling up all day after hearing of Tony's little chat with Ducky.

"Gibbs - I -" DiNozzo softened, taken aback by the fact Gibbs believed he'd do that. "No, I - It was just - I wouldn't -" Stuttering, he reached for the bottle of bourbon, but Gibbs moved it out of reach.

"You've had enough, Tony," Gibbs warned softly, leading him over to sit at a stool by the work bench.

"Don't suppress it, Tony," Gibbs continued gently, placing a finger under the boy's chin. "Why'd you ask Ducky if suicide runs in families?" He asked slowly, aware of the need for cautiousness.

"I was just - I guess I was curious, Gibbs." Tony rubbed at the back of his neck, willing the knots away.

"You know when my mum - when she, ugh, killed herself - she was thirty eight. Like me."

"And you're worried you're going to do something bad like she did? Something to hurt yourself?

"No, I wouldn't, I - I couldn't. It's -" He sighed, searching desperately for the words. You owe it to him, he reasoned with himself. Tell him.

"You know, Gibbs, when I wandered into my mother's bedroom thirty years ago today and found her - asleep - on the floor, with an empty bottle of pills in her hand..." He trailed off, staring longingly at the basement wall. Gibbs silently placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently to give him all the strength he needed to go on and get this off his chest. "It was the worst day of my life, Gibbs. And I've never been able to get that - that image - out of my head. I could never do that to you and the team," he concluded with a croaky voice and watery eyes. "Hell, I don't even want to!"

"Tony, I -" It was now Gibbs turn to be at a loss for words, silently cursing himself for not being able to stop all this happening thirty years ago to an eight year old Anthony DiNozzo. "I had no idea you were the one that found her. I'm so sorry, Tony."

"But you're right, Gibbs," Tony realised. "I think I was worried when I went to see Ducky this morning that I might do something like that. I've always wondered how she could love me so much and at the same time - break my heart like that. And then I figured maybe - maybe she couldn't help herself. And if she could love me more than anything in the world but still do that then maybe - I might be capable of it too. Maybe I wouldn't be able to help myself one day."

Gibbs wiped a stray tear from Tony's cheek that had escaped his anguished eyes, prouder than ever at his boy for coming to terms with fears that had been haunting him for thirty years.

"But I won't, Gibbs. I know I won't. Because she had a bastard for a husband and an eight year old that couldn't help her for her only companion. But I've - I've got so much more."

Placing a hand on each shoulder, Gibbs leaned in to whisper into his tormented agent's ear. "Never forget that, Tony." He pulled him an embrace, holding him up while thirty years of loss washed over him, rubbing his back and offering soothing atta boys until the sobs subsided.

Later that night he walked his boy up to the guest room which he'd made up this morning before work in anticipation of DiNozzo's visit. Helping Tony's exhausted body into bed, Gibbs sat with him until his breathing steadied and his mind was at ease, promising himself he'd always make sure Tony had something to live for.

I hope you guys liked how this one finished up. I post these chapters every night in Australia before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up I'm overwhelmed by the amazing response I get from you. Thanks so much for your time and please do let me know what you think x