What a disaster. Kaidan thought when he returned to the Citadel after Horizon. He had heard the rumors and part of him had hoped they were true, but not like this. Shepard was working for Cerberus and there was nothing that could make that okay. She had tried to tell him she was doing this for the right reasons, and he wanted to believe her, but after all that Cerberus had done, how could she not see it? How could she betray the Alliance like that? Betray him?

What a disaster. Shepard thought as she collapsed on the bed in her cabin after Horizon. She had known Kaidan would be there, and had hoped she'd see him, but not like this. He couldn't see past the Cerberus colors to understand that she was doing this for the right reasons. But then, she had been kidding herself - expecting him to understand, to come with her. He was Alliance and she was just Shepard, the one they called on to do the tough jobs that needed to be done - whatever the cost. She didn't betray the Alliance, they betrayed her, and she still had a mission to do.

After a long shower that did nothing to wash away the gloom that was surrounding him, Kaidan sunk into the bed in his small apartment and started writing his report. Anderson would want to meet with him in the morning and discuss it, probably to get a sense of where his head was at after seeing her, and to get his opinion on what she was doing. You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head. Just what he needed, her voice in his head, reminding him of a time when it was all jokes and flirting, and regs were their biggest concern. He sighed, trying not to remember, but then - he didn't want to forget either.

Shepard submitted her report to the Illusive Man, and sighed heavily when she leaned back against the headboard. She was doing the right thing. The Collectors were attacking human colonies and the Council and the Alliance were doing nothing. She had a ship and resources and the means to get the work done that needed to be done. Wasn't that what she always did? She was always running around saving everyone, uniting warring species, that was her way. When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. The words invaded her mind and it was jarring, remembering his voice from a time when the only worry was that they were breaking regs. Seemed like such a dilemma back then.

He found himself remembering back to the night before Ilos, neither of them had known what would happen. They were walking into a mystery with nothing but a small clue, and he didn't want to waste anymore time. He had gone to her cabin to tell her he enjoyed serving with her, but she turned his unfortunate choice of words into a joke, and then before he knew it she was inviting him to bunk with her.

Shepard found herself thinking of the first night she asked Kaidan to bunk with her. They had been flirting and making promises about shore leave but when it came down to it, they didn't know if they'd come back from Ilos. After some teasing, he agreed to bunk with her, and it was the best night of her life.

The memory of her touch, her kiss, the feel of her body was so vivid in his mind he would have swore it had happened 2 weeks ago and not 2 years. They had danced around each other for weeks before and yet their night together wasn't met with urgency, but with the patience of two people learning each other's bodies. For two years he had been trying not to think about her, and now he couldn't stop.

She had been amazed by how slowly they took it, relishing every touch, every move, every sound elicited from their exploration. There was this thing that had been building between them for a long time and yet, unlike any sexual experience she'd had before that, they took their time and learned everything about each other.

This was not the way he had planned to end this night, but Kaidan found himself palming the growing bulge of his arousal through his BDUs. Thinking about the curves of Shepard's body and the sounds that he could elicit from her lips had him hard almost instantly. He slid his pants and briefs down in one motion, pushing against his waiting hand and cursing under his breath.

She was always amazed by how the slightest memory of Kaidan touching her, kissing her, made her whole body react. She could feel the heat pooling between her legs when she thought about the way he touched her. She slid a hand beneath the waistband of her BDUs and teased herself through the cotton of her underwear. She thought about the way his breath had hitched in his throat the first time he'd seen her naked.

He thought about the way her lips curved into a smirk... until they didn't. Until Kaidan made them curve into an oh or they straightened into a line when she let out a ssssaaaahh through her teeth. He thought about the way she was always ready for him by the time he touched her, wet and aching for him, so that when he pressed his finger against her nub she let out a sigh of relief. He thought about the way she arched her back by pure instinct when he found the right spot. He thought about how sex with Shepard had been none of the fumbling and confusion from his experiences before, but all intuition and feeling and perfection.

She thought about the way he controlled the reaction of his biotics... until he didn't. Until he let himself flare and the energy wrapped around them both in an electric dance. She thought about the way he always teased her but knew just when to relent. She thought about how he always knew just where to touch. She thought about how sex with Kaidan had been nothing like the one night stands and dirty hookups from her youth, but soft and powerful and perfect.

He saw her face in his mind, her lips curled into a moan, and he pumped his hand once - thinking of how her body reacted to him. He relinquished a slight bit of control over his biotics and let the energy wrap around his hand, remembering the way her eyes had widened and then fallen nearly shut when he had applied the same technique with her. She hadn't been with a biotic before, and he'd relished the chance to educate her on the experience.

She saw his face in her mind, his lips parted in a gasp and she dipped her fingers into her underwear and probed her nub. She remembered the way his biotics swirled around his fingers the first time he'd touched her here, and she'd never wanted him to stop. She slid one finger along her slit and back up to circle her clit, back arching to the touch.

As the thoughts and sensations blurred together, Kaidan thrust his hips against his own hand, squeezing himself, raspy breaths being ripped from his throat. He stroked the tip with his thumb, reached his other hand down to roll his balls and swore loudly to the silence of his room. He was so angry with her, but he wanted her. If only she was there...

The memories and her own stimulation were mingling and she slipped a finger inside herself, sweat beading at her back, breath catching in her throat. She reached the other hand down to resume the attention that was now missing from her aching bundle of nerves and her throat tightened with every thought of Kaidan. He was so angry with her, but she wanted him and she wanted him there now.

He thought about her being there in front of him, but he knew it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be the slow discovery it had been that first night. He would take her and show her how much he had needed her in the last two years, it would be all urgency and need and he needed it now.

She thought about him being there with her, but she knew it would be different. It wouldn't be the patient learning of each other that it once was. It would be pure need for each other and she wanted to feel it. She needed him now.

When he thought of how it felt the first time he thrust into her -warm and tight and wet and enveloping him within her as if he belonged there, muscles clenching around him, coaxing his release - he squeezed, pumping his cock in a frenzy to finish. He wanted her body beneath him, on top of him, beside him. He hadn't realized how badly he'd wanted her until now. Her breasts bouncing, eyes hooded, his name on her lips as she came around him. His biotics flared around him, encouraging his release, tingling over every inch of his body when he finally let go.

When she thought about the first time she felt him inside her - thick and hard and just the right size, thrusting into her as if he belonged there, her body responding immediately, tensing and coiling in the best way - she slipped a second finger inside, not the same but it would have to do, she rubbed the nub with her other hand, just a little too rough but it would also do. She wanted him inside of her to the brink of necessity. She hadn't realized how badly she wanted him until now. His whiskey eyes half lidded, his ass moving beneath her hands as she held him inside her, muscles rolling with every thrust, his faltering voice when he came inside her. She rubbed and prodded, imagining the electricity of his biotics encircling her as she came hard against her hand.

'Shepard' - the name ripped from his mouth involuntarily, speaking his shame aloud as he came. Came for the woman who he'd loved and lost, who had died and been resurrected, who had betrayed him and everything he stood for.

'Kaidan' - the name fell from her mouth in a half-sobbed whisper, putting her agony on display as she came. Came for the only man she'd ever loved, the man whom she thought had moved on without her, the man who though of her as a traitor.

As his breathing returned to normal, he remembered the way she curled against his side - resting her head in the space between his neck and shoulder, kissing his jaw and mumbling incoherent things as she fell asleep, her hair tickling his chest. His heart hurt because he would always love her, through death and treason and betrayal. He loved her, and she was alive now, and Kaidan had no idea what he was going to do.

As her heartbeat slowed to normal, she remembered the way he pulled her in with one strong arm, kissing her forehead while his fingertips grazed up and down her spine, whispering incoherent things as he fell asleep, his skin warm against her chest. Her heart thudded because she would always love him, through hurtful words and confusion, misunderstanding and disappointment. She loved him, and she knew he was alive now, and Shepard had no idea what she was going to do.