Title: After the Fall
Category: Books » Twilight
Author: Lady Gwynedd
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
Published: 11-24-09, Updated: 03-17-10
Chapters: 25, Words: 92,039

Chapter 1 The Fall

Prologue - The Fall

You don't belong in my world, Bella, and I am tired of trying to be someone I am not.

You will never see me again.

And then that sonofabitch kissed my forehead and disappeared from my life.

At first I fell apart. I was completely devastated. Edward had become my universe. What in hell was I supposed to do now? I'd met him on my first day at Forks High and from that point on, like a moth attracted to a porch light on a hot August evening; I was utterly obsessed with him. Nothing else existed for me. He once likened me to his own personal addiction. Well, guess what Sherlock, he had become that to me and I had no clue how to live without him. Unhealthy much?

After curling up into a ball and lying comatose in my bed for a week, Charlie and Renee snapped me out of my emotional tantrum – which is what it was, I later saw– by threatening to ship me off to Jacksonville. I was having none of that. Sunny skies and warm breezes didn't suit my mood. I wanted to mope in the gloomy cold of Forks. I wanted to be miserable.

Well, to be honest I was miserable. I loved Edward and I missed him. I was grieving for him, for what we lost and for any chance to recover it. I went to school and to work on autopilot. I answered when I was spoken to but I didn't start conversations. I did my work meticulously because I had always been meticulous and I didn't want to draw attention to myself by acting out of character. I was flying under the radar, as they say. I wanted people to leave me alone and the only way that would happen was if I acted as normally as possible. But it was all a mask.

I could tell that Charlie was still concerned about me. He'd suggest that I hang out with my friends but, really, I had no friends in Forks. I guess he forgot that my "friends" moved away with my "boyfriend." The rest of my classmates were merely acquaintances. Being with the Cullens truly isolated me from everyone else and I never really realized it until they left.

I found that when I had free time in school, I spent it in the Library, completely lost in books. That's how I became friends with Ms Jones. I guess I shouldn't call a teacher my friend but that's what she was. She's the one who helped me through my "situation"—my "situation" being the total mind and heart fuck that Edward had laid on me and to be honest, I had laid on myself.

I had taken to spending my lunch period in the media center – the term they use for libraries these days - with my nose stuck in some book or another trying to trade my miserable reality for some romantic heroine's fantasy. I'd worked my way again through all of Austen and almost all of the Brontës. In fact, I was currently reading Anne Brontë's The Tennant of Wildfell Hall and was becoming ever increasingly puzzled with the story. It wasn't the typical boy meets girl, they fall in love, they have problems, they break up, they reunite, their problems are miraculously solved, and so they live happily ever after story that I had been used to. It was the tale of Helen whose love story followed the same course as the rest of the novels until it got to the part where they have problems and break up. What Helen does is not go into a romantic decline; she gets her ass out of her lousy situation and makes a damn life for herself.

I read that part over again, then shut the book with a snap and flipped it onto the wooden library table that I'd taken residence at for the past four months. I mumbled, "She made a damn life for herself."

Ms Jones happened to be shelving some books nearby and looked over at me, saw the book I had been reading and said, "Helen Graham is one of my favorite heroines. She didn't allow herself to be defined by the men in her life. She defined herself."

I looked at Ms Jones as if I had just had an epiphany, "She made a damn life for herself," I repeated.

Ms Jones snickered at my expression as I realized I'd just cursed in front of a teacher, but all she said was "Yep. She took care of business. And honestly, that is what we are all supposed to do. Anne Brontë was spot on with that. Helen would have none of those vapors and declines so typical of women heroines of her literary time. She was strong."

I nodded agreement and suddenly all those Eleanors, Catherines, and Janes seemed pretty one-dimensional to me. The one thing they had in common is that the men in their lives defined them; their fathers, their lovers, or their husbands. Without the men in their lives, they weren't much. Just chicks who were waiting around for their knights in shining armor to come galloping up and rescue them from their own vapidness. I was so over that shit.

I realized that I needed better role models and so Ms Jones and I started discussing other novels that had strong women in them and a whole new universe was revealed to me. The bell ended our conversation and Ms Jones asked me if I was interested in reading one of those novels together – our own private book club. She suggested some Margaret Atwood and I gleefully took her up on it.

That's how our Saturday morning book club started. It was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life and that included falling in love with Edward Cullen. It taught me that I had value independent of my mother, my father and Edward. I grew up then. No, actually, I matured then. Things became pretty clear to me and I had realized where I had gone wrong with my relationships. I needed to build a damn life for myself starting with defining just who in the hell I was. Being strong and independent was high on that list.

Soon, Ms Jones invited some others to join our book club and we all became fast became friends. Angela Weber, I'd known. There was Ashley Dowling, as well. They were both intelligent and interesting and I found that Saturday morning was fast becoming the highlight of my week.

Eventually, talk got onto what we were planning to do with our lives and I mentioned that I had always wanted to go to college and become a writer or a teacher or both but money was an issue so I probably wasn't going to go. That's all Ms Jones had to hear and we were off filling out applications, not just for colleges and universities but for grants and scholarships as well. I decided that while I was strong and independent, I still loved my folks and wanted to go to school within an easy distance of home, so I applied to schools in Washington and Florida. That way I'd be close to at least one of them.

It was all good and one day I woke up and realized that I had healed. Oh, I still missed Edward and his family but I had something going on in my life now that was both exciting and enriching. Just like Helen Graham, I was making a damn life for myself.

It was getting close to graduation by this time and I had found that I had been accepted to the University of Washington and a little school near Jacksonville, Flagler College.

I'd spent some time in Jacksonville and fell in love with little Flagler College. It was in St. Augustine, just forty miles or so from my mother's home. It was a beautiful school and had a wonderful English department. I earned a few grants and I applied for the one scholarship that Flagler gave to their best students and, to my immense gratification, they awarded it to me, a full four year scholarship complete with room and board. All I'd have to do was pay for my books and keep my grades up.

I made my strong and independent choice then. I'd go to school in St. Augustine, major in English Education (while the writing thing was working out for me, I'd teach—and maybe start my own Saturday morning book club for girls) and be happy. And I was. I had a damn life.

Socially, I had been hanging out with my girls but had put the kibosh on dating. It's not that I still carried a torch for Edward, although in all honesty, there was a part of me that did. I knew that I would always love him. I just didn't need him. Does that sound strange? But it wasn't because of my feelings for Edward that I didn't date, it was just that the boys my age didn't interest me much. Had I outgrown them? I didn't know.

I was sad to leave Charlie. We'd developed a good, comfortable relationship. We still didn't talk much – quiet is a trait we shared evidently, but I knew that Charlie was a fan of mine and to be frank, I was a fan of his, too. The longer I lived with Charlie, the more I admired him. He was a good, wise man and when we talked, he always had something to say that made me think. He wasn't a complicated man but he knew what was important.

Graduation came and went and I spent the summer working and getting stuff together for college. Soon, I found myself in quaint St. Augustine loving everything about my life (except the dining hall food but I think that's typical) and studying, learning and making new friends. I still didn't date, though. Again, no one really appealed to me and I was having too much fun just doing the student thing and simply being me.

Four years passed quickly and another graduation day loomed. I realized the time had come to seek my first career oriented job and so I started filling out job applications with various school districts and sitting in interviews with recruiters who would come to St. Augustine for likely candidates. For practice, I interviewed with any school system that came down. Imagine my surprise when an employment packet came addressed to me from Winchester, Virginia. I'd been offered a job to teach eleventh grade English and to sponsor the book club at James Wood High School.

And so I made another strong and independent decision and I accepted the position. That is why one sunny August day I found myself moving into a little bungalow in the pretty village of Winchester, Virginia. Charlie had decided to fly to Florida and help me with the move. We were driving from Florida to Virginia in my new Chevy Silverado that I received as a joint graduation gift from Renee, Phil and Charlie. Charlie was pleased to help me and pleased at my new surroundings. I guess he'd been in contact, one Chief of Police to another, with the COP in Winchester and found that though bigger than Forks, it had about the same crime rate. My Dad had his priorities.

So, I moved into my little house, drove dad over to Dulles International Airport outside of Washington, DC, (a two hour trip). He flew back to Forks and I drove back to my new life.

I spent the first week of my employment in teacher planning and meetings getting prepared for the students that were going to arrive on the Tuesday after Labor Day. I received my class lists the Friday before and was going through them when my eyes bugged out.

Holy Shit. One of my students' name was Alice Cullen.

Chapter 2: Revelations

I looked again at my class roster. It couldn't be my Alice, could it? How many Alice Cullens are there in the world? My hands started to get clammy and my heart raced. Imagine the chances of that happening twice in six years? I needed some answers.

I logged onto the school student information program and did a search for 'Cullen' and there they were: Listed as current students at James Wood High School were Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie … but no Edward.

Where was Edward? My heart clenched. Could he be hurt or worse? Why wasn't he with his family? I could tell I was beginning to get hysterical and for that reason, it ticked me off. GET A GRIP, BELLA. HE'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS ANY LONGER. And besides there could be a good reason he's not in school with his siblings. Maybe he's not doing high school this time around for one reason or another.

While one half of me was in panic-mode the other half of me was bemused. Thought you were over that guy, didn't you? I guess not, at least not completely. I could feel my emotions getting all stirred up and the thrilled/joyful/hopeful feelings were right there along with the hurt/angry/sad feelings. Seemingly, I had unresolved issues. What in the hell was I going to do?

I guess I needed to warn the Cullens that someone from their past was here in Winchester and then I needed to…what? Make my own damn life? I was doing that, thank you very much. And I was doing that quite well, in my opinion. And then came the Cullens to disturb my hard won composure. Could I continue to do that with Edward's family nearby? Maybe even Edward himself. Lord, what a mess!

I decided my best choice would be to try to contact Carlisle. He would be the logical person for me to deal with – kind, compassionate, wise - and also it didn't hurt that he was the Dad. He would know how to handle this situation.

Most likely, Carlisle was working in the local hospital, so I looked his name up on the internet yellow pages and there he was: Carlisle Cullen, MD. I got out my cell phone and dialed the number that was listed and got his office assistant. I wasn't expecting to get through to him because you never got straight through to a doctor, did you? I should have known that Carlisle would be different. I was thinking of what sort of message to leave for him and was shocked when I next heard his mellifluous voice, "Dr. Cullen."

Gasping, I floundered for words, "Oh, Carlisle. I, er… didn't expect to speak directly to you…uh… well, this is…"

"Bella!" he answered, "Bella, how wonderful to hear your voice. I didn't think I'd ever have that pleasure again. How have you been?" He sounded wonderful, warm, and … loving. I realized in that moment that I missed being a part of his family not because of anything else other than the love I had for them. All of them.

"Oh…well…I…er… I have been… actually, I've been good, Carlisle. It's wonderful to hear your voice again, too. But I am calling for a different reason. I need to talk to you, Carlisle. It's important."

He didn't answer but I could tell he was listening closely.

"Carlisle, I don't know how to say this so, I'll just blurt it out. I've just moved to Winchester. I had no idea that you were here before I came. I am a new teacher at James Wood High School and I have Alice as a student in one of my classes. That's how I discovered you lived here now as well."

There was a pause and then Carlisle responded, "Of all the coincidences, this is a pretty amazing one."

"I'll say."

In a concerned voice, Carlisle asked, "Bella, how do you feel about this?"

"To tell you the truth, Carlisle, I am still in shock. It was a rough time for me after you left. But eventually, I picked up the pieces and moved on. However, I've still got very deep feelings for your family. I guess I always will. I don't know what to do."

I went on, "I noticed that … Edward doesn't appear as a student here."

"No, Bella. Edward isn't living with us at the moment."

I was baffled by this. Edward loved his family. "Is he well, Carlisle?"

Carlisle paused again and then answered simply, "He's safe."

I heard what he didn't say and my heart clenched. Edward may be safe physically but not well. I wonder what had happened.

Carlisle went on, "Bella, I know the family would love to see you again. Why don't you come over this evening? We can discuss what we can do about this situation then."

He gave me directions to the new Cullen home and we bid each other goodbye.

It was only after I hung up I wondered why Alice hadn't foreseen my coming back into their sphere. Can't she still see me? I stopped, dead still, my hand extended to put the phone down as it dawned upon me that she had seen me, hadn't she? Now that I thought about it, I understood just why Carlisle had taken my call so immediately. Alice had most likely seen that I was going to call. Truly, Carlisle sounded delighted and happy to hear from me but really not surprised. Interesting. They had something planned; I could feel it. I hoped that I would discover what they were up to this evening.

I finished up my work at school, went home, ate some dinner and then got ready to go to the Cullens'. I was excited and worried. I wasn't the Bella they remembered any longer. Back in Forks, I was an idealistic and naïve teenager. Now, I was older and wiser. My self-confidence made me stronger and more self-assured. I was a far cry from the timid child they'd remember.

I drove my truck down the country road following the directions that Carlisle gave me. It wasn't surprising to find their house was an antebellum mansion at the end of a gated tree lined drive - white columns and everything. Pulling up to the gates, I tried to figure out how they were activated when they slowly opened to let me in and then closed back behind me. I drove up the lane to the house marveling at just how lovely everything was. Eventually, I parked my truck in the circular driveway and got out. After all that had happened since I last saw them almost five years previously, I wondered if they still felt the same about me.

Suddenly, I was scooped up by strong arms and swung around in a circle.

"BELLA! I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

I blinked. I was half expecting Alice to respond enthusiastically but I was surprised to find I was clasped in Emmett's arms.

I laughed, "Emmett! It's good to see you, too!" I wriggled a bit, trapped in his grip. I gave up and gave him a hug and a kiss on his cheek. He squeezed me again and then set me down on my feet.

"Come on. Everyone is excited to see you." I turned to join him as he walked up to the porch. Standing there was the whole clan with huge smiles on their faces…minus Edward.

Alice was dancing in her excitement, "Oh, Bella. We are together again at last!" She hugged me just as Esme joined her. If a vampire could have tears of happiness, Esme would. "Welcome home, Bella," was all she said but she put her hand on my shoulder and kept it there as the rest greeted me. Jasper was a little bashful, no doubt remembering our last interaction, but he smiled at me just as I felt a jolt of welcoming warmth. Even Rosalie was grinning.

They all looked as beautiful and stunning as ever and the old feelings of being out of my league were echoing in my brain. But that is just the camouflage, as Edward used to say. I knew now that under those gorgeous facades were people who had their faults and failings just as mere mortals did. I found I wasn't quite as dazzled as I used to be by them. Was that a factor of my own growth as a person? Nevertheless, I realized that I was very glad to see them just as they were, as they always had been.

Carlisle spoke up, "Bella, this reunion has been a long time coming. Please come in and let's catch up.'

The house was elegant and comfortable, certainly hallmarks of Esme's talent. The entrance had a grand wooden staircase that rose gracefully to the second floor. There was a beautiful crystal chandelier hanging from the apex of the hall and there were polished mahogany tables with lovely and fragrant cut flower arrangements on them. Carlisle led the way to a comfortable living room that had a huge marble fireplace along the far wall and overstuffed sofas and chairs grouped in front of it. Since it was summer, the fireplace contained a floral arrangement adding to the homey country charm.

We all sat and looked at each other for a moment, then Carlisle asked, "Bella, what have you been doing since we last met?"

I had thought about what I would tell them concerning my fall and recovery and decided not to dwell on the negative. If they were curious, I might expand but only if they asked.

"Well, after you left and I got used to the fact you were gone, I graduated from Forks High and went to college near my mother's home in Jacksonville. Last spring, I graduated and was lucky enough to be hired as an English teacher here. Honestly, I only discovered you lived here when I looked at my class lists and found Alice as one of my students. I checked to see if the rest of you were enrolled, then when I saw that you were – or almost all of you – I found Carlisle's work number and called him. The rest you know. I guess I am here to ask you what we should do about this."

"Do about this?" Carlisle asked.

"Well, do you think we could be in Winchester together? I've missed you. You are still like family to me. But if you think this is too much, I suppose I could resign my position and look for work elsewhere." I knew it would be hard to find another teaching job this late in the year but I would if that's what they wanted.

"No, no. That's not at all necessary," Carlisle exclaimed, "Perhaps we could move Alice from your class if you think having her as a student would be too difficult to manage but other than that, I think we could get a long quite nicely. In fact, we want you to be a part of our family again, Bella."

Wow. I really wasn't expecting that. There was a pretty large 'elephant' in the room that we'd talked around but not about and I thought it better be addressed.

"What about Edward?" I asked.

They looked uncomfortable at my blunt question.

"What do you want to know?" Carlisle asked.

"Well, for one, where is he?"

Sighing, Carlisle answered, "He is living in Alaska with our cousins."

Alice muttered, "If you could call it living."

I was confused by Alice's response. "I don't understand why he'd leave you. His family was the most important thing to him."

Esme pressed her lips together then said, "His family isn't the most important thing to him, Bella. You are."

"I once was, or so he said," I corrected her, "But that ended a long time ago."

"No, Bella," Alice contradicted. "Since he met you, you have always been the most important thing to him. That will never change."

I choked out a laugh, "Uhm. Right! If that was the case, why did he leave? He told me that he didn't want me in his life any longer. Why did you leave for that matter?"

Jasper's soft voice interjected then, "No, Bella. He loves you now as much as he ever did if not more. He left because he loved you so much. After the incident when I regrettably lost my self-control, he felt that you deserved to live a normal human life without the constant dangers associated by living near us. He left you out of love for you and he asked us to leave for the same reason. Some of us didn't agree with him but we owed it to him for all times he sacrificed for us."

I stared at Jasper with what I know must have been a 'you're kidding me' face but I didn't say anything. I just couldn't believe it. "Well then, excuse me for saying this but I am ticked. He – well, all of you - deserted me and caused a lot of agony. I was able to put myself back together but the process," I paused remembering the pain I had felt, "was difficult."

I heard Jasper gasp and I realized he could feel the emotions emanating from me. I shot him an apologetic grimace but he remained looking stunned. "Oh Bella," he said. "We owe you a huge apology. I know that we followed along with Edward in this but you were a part of our family, too. We should have never abandoned you."

Carlisle agreed, "No, it is clear to us all now that we shouldn't have left. But I am thinking, Bella, you did what you have always done, made the best out of a bad situation. It is apparent to me that you have matured into a confident and wise young woman. I feel your strength. I am very proud of you. "

I smiled shyly, surprisingly pleased at Carlisle's praise, as I paused to find the words I needed to say, "This is going to sound strange but even with all the agony I went through, it ended up being a good thing for me that you left, to be honest. I needed to learn to be strong and independent. I needed to figure out who I was without using my relationships to define myself. This is what I did since you've been gone and I know I am better for it. However, the Cullen family is important to me still, even though Edward is not here. I would like to be a part of your family but I don't think that's possible. How will Edward take our reconnection?"

They exchanged sheepish glances.

"Bella," Alice said, "Edward has not been doing as well as you. He's stubborn, clinging to his remorse and guilt. He lives in Denali with Kate, Tanya and Irina but all he does is to sit in his room, only occasionally going out to hunt. Tanya says she doesn't see him for weeks at a time."

"He's done nothing but mope for five years?" I asked incredulously.

All of them chorused, "Yes."

"Well, then someone needs to go kick his butt. He's being ridiculous," I declared.

"Amen, sista!" Emmett chortled in delight, "It's what I've been sayin'!"

Carlisle also chuckled and said, "We all agree. Edward's always been on the dramatic side. We'd like you to help us, if you're willing."

"What can I do?" I looked around in surprise.

Carlisle said, "We'd like to fly you to Denali to talk to him."

I was well and truly shocked, "Huh?"

"Bella, we've been trying for a long time to get Edward back to the land of the living. He won't listen to us," Carlisle said.

"Yep. The emo jerk is caught up in the biggest self-imposed pity party ever thrown," Emmett said. "He thinks he ruined your life and keeps beating himself up. I want my brother back."

"As we all do," said Jasper. "We've hired a private jet to take you to Anchorage, Bella. Then it's just a short hop to Denali. Tanya and her sisters are waiting for you."

"You have had this plan for a long time," I said suspiciously.

There were more guilty looks then Carlisle explained, "To be completely frank with you Bella, we've kept a watch on you since we left Forks. No matter what happened, you were and are always a part of our family. We wanted to make sure you were safe and well. We grieved with you in the beginning but we became very proud of you when you overcame your loss and started to live life on your own terms. It is our fervent hope that you can convince Edward to do the same. I think if he sees how you've bloomed, he'll stop moping."

I thought hard about this proposition. Could I handle seeing Edward again? Yes, I was older and wiser but I knew I still had feelings for him. I wondered if seeing him would revitalize them or make me realize that I've out grown him as I had outgrown my high school skinny jeans. But I did understand if anyone could convince Edward to come back to his family and start living again, it would be me. It was the least I could do for him and for his family.

"I'll do it. When do I leave?"

"Right now?" Carlisle suggested.

Chapter 3 Rescue Me

I drove back to my house to get warmer clothes, knowing that it was already chilly in Denali. The jet was going to fly overnight to Anchorage and then I'd arrive in Denali by eight am. Emmett was going with me saying he was going to be my body guard. I laughed, thinking he was teasing but later, I figured out that's exactly what he meant. No one was sure if my blood would be too much of a temptation for Edward since we'd been so long apart.

It wasn't until I was strapped into my seat on the jet and we had taxied down the runway did I realize what I had done. It was past time that I thought about this. Was I truly ready to face Edward again after all these years? How did I feel about Edward now? Did I still love him?

The minute I thought those words, my heart leapt and I knew that I did love him. I knew that I would always love him. But I now was wise enough to know that loving someone wasn't enough to make a life with them.

Did I want to share my life with someone else?

Perhaps.

Did I need to share my life with someone else?

Definitely, no. I didn't need anyone.

But did I want someone?

That was different. Life is fuller when it can be shared but it has to be shared equally.

Did I want to share my life with Edward Cullen?

Maybe, but not under the terms we left each other.

When he left, he'd told me that he had lost interest in me; that he was tired of being someone he wasn't. If he was lying then, as his family suggested, he may not realize that what he said was perfectly true. No one should pretend to be someone they weren't. But did he even know who he was? I certainly didn't know that about myself on that day.

I understood now what I didn't understand five years ago. The fact is, while Edward may have been born in 1901, he was still the same person he was in 1918 when he was changed. His heart and his psyche had been frozen in time until he discovered he was in love with me. At that magical instant, he rediscovered feelings and emotions that had been dormant since he was 17.

Surrounded by the luxury of the private jet that was speeding me towards this frozen man/boy, I realized a home truth: I had no interest in becoming the significant other of a seventeen year old boy. I wanted a mature and responsible man. The question is, while I was sure Edward could grow into being that man, was he? Was he once again trapped, doomed to be ever at the mercy of being seventeen?

For the past five years he'd purposely put his life on pause again and that was a pity. It was something a seventeen year old would do. Whether or not this intervention would bring us back together, I loved him enough to try to help him learn what I had learned. It was my passionate wish that he could change for his own happiness, not necessarily mine. While my stomach was doing flip-flops, I knew that whatever the result, I would find much needed closure with this trip. And maybe, just maybe, in the process I could rescue Edward from himself.

The flight to Anchorage was extremely comfortable and uneventful. I slept most of the night and felt rested as we met up with the little prop plane that would take us to Denali. I was grateful that the Cullens had the ability to smooth all bumps in any road. Emmett and I chatted companionably for a few hours during the flight. He told me that after leaving Forks, the family moved to Canada where they lived for five years. They decided to move to Virginia last year. Carlisle easily got a position as an ER doctor and Esme was free lancing her restoration business and volunteering on the school board. I paused at that point, "Esme is on the school board?"

"Sort of. She's a consultant or something for Human Resources."

"Hmmm. And it was such a coincidence that just this past year, Frederick County Public Schools, headquartered in Winchester, Virginia, decided to recruit at little ol' Flagler College in Florida for the first time, wasn't it?"

Emmett shrugged his shoulders, "What can I say, Little Sis? We wanted you to be a part of us with or without Emoward. We just presented the opportunity for you to come to Winchester. We figured that if you came here, it was fated to be. You always had a choice."

I shrugged, "I guess you're right."

Emmett looked at me speculatively, "Do you think you would have come if you knew we were in Winchester, Bella?"

I sighed, "I honestly don't know."

I thought about it a little and said, "You know, I am glad I didn't know so I didn't have to make that choice. I like it in Winchester. I like my little home. I like my job. And I love you guys. So, all in all I am glad it worked out like it did. After thinking about it, I believe that if I had known you were here, I probably wouldn't have moved here. But now that I am here and have this opportunity, I am glad. No matter what, Emmett, I need to see Edward and he needs to see me. It will help both of us."

After landing in Denali, Emmett and I were approached on the tarmac by a strikingly beautiful strawberry blonde woman, "Hello, Emmett!" Turning to me she said, "You must be Bella?"

"I am," I responded.

In what I learned was Tanya's no nonsense approach, she said, "I am Tanya. I am so glad you're here. Edward needs you."

My heart did a somersault this time. Emmett laughed and picked up my small suitcase. "Let's go get 'im, girl."

On the ride to the cabin, Tanya was telling us about Edward's life during the past several years. "He's pathetic. He only comes out of his room to hunt and then only after his thirst has become excruciating. He won't talk to anyone. Not even a hello or goodbye. It's like he's on…."

"…autopilot?" I finished.

"Yes. Exactly!" Tanya exclaimed, "How did you know?"

"Because I went through that, as well." I said, "I probably still would be if it hadn't been for someone helping me to face reality."

Twenty minutes later, Tanya pulled over to the side of the road and asked Emmett to get out of the SUV. "If Edward hears your mind, he may run off before we could get Bella to see him. Give us a five minute head start. Bella, Edward just got back from hunting a few hours ago so he isn't hungry. You should be safe with him. His room is at the top of the stairs, first room on the left. Just open the door and go in. I'll be right behind you in the hallway."

"And I'll be right behind Tanya. We aren't sure if after being away from you for so long whether Brother Eddie can resist your blood. I am here to see that no harm comes to you. Good luck, Bella," Emmett called as they drove away.

Tanya turned into a dirt road that led to a huge cabin nestled against a spruce forest. I looked at Tanya in surprise as she started to sing a song in Russian at the top of her voice. Then it dawned on me that Tanya was trying to block Edward from reading her mind.

We pulled into a garage and I quietly followed Tanya into the house. Off the main room, there were stairs leading up to the second floor. I headed towards them, getting progressively more nervous about what was to come. I honestly had no idea what to say to Edward now but I was absolutely compelled to see him. I took a deep breath trying to relax but my heart still felt like it was going to beat right through my chest.

Later, I realized that he must have smelled my blood or heard my heart pounding away long before I ever reached the top of the stairs. Sneaking up on him was never an option. Before I could react, a door flew open and Edward was standing there on the landing, stone still and staring at me.

I stopped half-way up and stared back, a hesitant smile on my face, "Edward?"

He was his same glorious self but dark circles under his eyes made his face look haggard. At this moment he looked shocked, as if a dream had materialized. Suddenly, he was a blur and I was scooped up and rushed back up the stairs into his bedroom. The door slammed behind us.

"Uh… Edward? What are you doing?"

He put me gently down on my feet, grasping my shoulders and looking at me as if he couldn't believe I was there. I was astounded at the raw emotion filling his eyes and his face. He silently drew me into his arms and held me closely, as he used to long ago, my head nestled onto his chest, his nose buried into my hair, inhaling my scent. He let out a long, shuddering sigh, "Bella."

My emotions were all over the place. I was intoxicated by his smell and felt the hard planes of his chest as I listened to his deep breaths. I remembered this. I remembered how good, how right this felt. I felt that the final missing piece in my own personal million piece jig saw puzzle had finally snapped into perfect place. I lifted my head and kissed him gently at first but as he returned my kiss it exploded into that familiar brand of Edward and Bella fireworks. It was pure heaven. Every molecule of my body responded to him and fires raced through my veins consuming all doubt and uncertainty. I was rocked to my core.

We stood like that for long moments just relishing the feel of each other, simply basking in the essence of the moment. But soon my physical bliss started to ebb as I began to recall everything that had happened over the course of our relationship and separation and I sighed. The time had come for healing.

Taking a deep breath and smiling lovingly, I placed my hands on either side of his face, stared deeply into his golden eyes and in the gentlest, sweetest voice said, "Why are you being such an emo little bitch, Edward?"

Chapter 4: Heart to Heart

***BPOV

I didn't hear the door swing open but I did hear Emmett's uproarious laughter as I saw him standing next to Tanya in the doorway. "She's got you pegged, brother. It's time to stop all this horse shit and come home."

Edward stood there, a look of utter amazement on his face. Ignoring Emmett he said, "Bella, how can you say that?" His voice sounded gravely, as if he hadn't used it in a while.

"I can say that because you are sitting up here like a hermit when your life is out there." I gestured outside of the house southwards, "What's wrong with you?"

Edward hung his head, "I ruined your life."

I choked back a snort. "Thank you, oh all-knowing Oracle. I'll have you know my life isn't ruined one bit. I have a very good life."

Edward looked torn and I relented. Turning to Emmett and Tanya, I said, "Would it be okay if Edward and I had some privacy for a bit? We have a few things we need to get straighten out."

I paused and looked at Edward, a question in my voice, "We'll be fine?" He was the best judge of his hunger.

Edward nodded, "My thirst is under control."

Emmett looked from me to Edward and back, "Okay then, we'll be downstairs. I will see what I can pull in from the satellite on their TV. Scream if you need me, Bella." Laughing at his own bad joke, he and Tanya turned and went downstairs.

I pulled Edward over to a sofa that was pushed up against the far wall. We sat and I looked around at his self-imposed prison cell. In contrast to his bedroom in Forks which was full of books, music and a television, this one had hardly anything in it. Besides the couch, there was a desk and chair with a lamp and nothing else. "Edward what have you been doing for the last five years?"

Edward leaned over, put his elbows on his knees and then put his head in his hands, "Grieving."

"Oh, Edward. That's a long time to mourn over something that isn't dead," I put a comforting hand on his back and gently rubbed it up and down.

"I thought I killed any love you had for me by the lies I told," Edward whispered.

"Lies? What lies, Edward?" I frowned at him.

"The lies I told when I left you. When I told you that I didn't want you, didn't love you anymore. They were worse kind of blasphemy. How could you ever believe that I didn't love you?"

"Oh Edward, I so easily believed you because I was so lacking in myself at the time. I was insecure and inexperienced. I tied up my whole existence around you and that was a mistake."

The next part was going to be hard to say. "I had a break down after you left, Edward. I didn't know how I was going to go on. So, I had my own little hissy-fit thinking my life, my world was over."

I heard his shuddering gasp and reached over to grasp his hand trying to reassure him. "But much to my shock, it wasn't. My life still went on. Eventually, I snapped out of it and I've found joy in living again, Edward. And honestly, I am here to thank you."

Edward lifted his head and turned astonished eyes to mine, "Thank me?"

"Yes. Thank You. You unknowingly gave me the time and the space I needed to become the woman I am supposed to be. I was so unfinished and naïve when I was 18. I had so much to learn and I didn't know it. I think that if I had gotten what I wanted –to be changed to a vampire back then – it really wouldn't have been an informed choice. It certainly wouldn't be a mature choice. I had no clue. All I knew is that I wanted – no, needed – to be with you.

"When you took yourself and your family away from me, I learned that what I believed wasn't true. I learned something amazing. I don't need you. I don't really need anyone. All I need is myself. I needed to discover who Bella Swan was independent of my relationships."

His face was a myriad of emotions: love, hurt, pain, desire, confusion. The most predominant one was confusion, "Bella, you don't need me anymore?"

With a gentle look and a squeeze of his hand, I responded, "Edward, no. I don't need you. You have to understand, wanting you is so much better. Wanting you means that I chose you - a choice I consciously make. Needing you is more like an addiction – something I am driven to have.

"My body - my heart, for that matter - is responding to you with utter joy. But I am not the same Bella in here," I tapped my head, "that I was five years ago. You may not like the new Bella. After you get to know her, it is you that may not want me."

It was Edward's turn to snort, "Bella, I can't imagine any scenario where I'd not want you."

"You are speaking with your heart, Edward. I want you to now think with your mind. I want you to get to know me, who I am. Then decide. And I need to do the same concerning you."

Edward rose and started pacing, "I know who you are Bella. You are brave and beautiful and kind and loving."

"That's how you painted me five years ago. I told you then that wasn't who I was. I was a little girl who was lonely and felt rejected and wanted desperately to please and make people happy so she could feel loved. I met you and you seemed to be the pinnacle of everything a man should be when what you really were was a lost and lonely little boy trapped in a reality that you didn't choose and bound by guilt that you didn't know how to expiate. I am not that girl any longer, Edward. And you don't have to be that boy. It's a choice."

"But vampires rarely change."

"Rarely doesn't mean never. This is a change you can make if it's what you want, Edward." I continued, my voice lowered to a whisper, "If you want to share my life, it's a change you have to make."

The pain in Edward's eyes faded just a bit and was replaced by a hopeful glimmer, "You don't think I'll ruin your life?"

I rose and stood in face to face with Edward, "No. Barring you killing me," I grinned to show I was kidding, "you don't have that power."

His golden eyes were piercing in their intensity, "Bella, do you still love me?"

"Of course I love you Edward. I will always love you, no matter what." I smiled back at him and watched his eyes darken a shade as he reached for me again, "But…"

"But?" he stopped.

"But, I am not sure loving you is enough to build a life together, Edward."

"I thought that love was all that mattered."

"If you really believed that, Edward, you'd have never left me in the first place. No, love isn't enough. There has to also be respect and a willingness to work to make a life together, an equal opportunity partnership, Edward. We didn't have that before. Maybe you had to work so hard on keeping your thirst under control there wasn't room for that kind of relationship. But, Edward, that's the kind of relationship I want. Can I have it with you? "

Edward stood, still as stone and stared at me as if I was speaking Sanskrit. I wasn't sure he exactly comprehended me but I was sure he'd remember every word I had said and put it all together eventually. It was time to let him figure out what he really wanted.

I reached up and kissed Edward on the lips but this was more of a goodbye kiss than a let's get busy one.

I stepped back and said, "What you have to decide now, Edward, is if you want to join me in living. I am going back to Winchester, to my life. If this is what you want, come to me. If it isn't, God Bless you, Edward, but I am moving on."

I turned, walked out of the room and down the stairs leaving a dumbstruck vampire staring after me in utter and complete shock.

I followed the sound of the television until I found Emmett stretched out on a sectional sofa. "Come on, Emmett. Let's go home."

I half expected Edward to run after us as we pulled out of the compound, but he didn't. Then, I kept looking behind myself at the Denali Airstrip. No Edward there either. I finally accepted that he wasn't coming as Emmett and I took off from Anchorage.

"Oh, Emmett, I hope I didn't screw this up," I groaned.

"Bella, that dude is as stubborn as they come. I think just seeing you again jolted him out of his rut. It will take him some time to figure this out. You told him what he needed to hear. Now it is up to him."

Emmett's calm was contagious and I settled down determined to carry on and do what I needed to do. I reached into my bag and pulled out some work I was preparing for the first day of school that was coming, whether Edward was or not.

Chapter 5: The Choice

*** EPOV

I stared at the space where Bella had been, hearing her words echo in my mind. "Five years is a long time to mourn for something that isn't dead, Edward."

It was as if I had been doused in a cascade of ice water, the fog of misery I had been in was swept away and I was awake for the first time in years.

I remembered coming back from my hunt today after long weeks had passed and I was finally driven out again to relieve my thirst. I returned to the cabin not seeing or hearing my housemates and figured the rest had yet to return from whatever activities they spent their days doing. I didn't know what they did. I didn't care. They had long ago stopped trying to encourage me to join them.

I took my place in front of the floor to ceiling windows staring off into space trying to let my mind spin away, floating in an eternal ocean of grief, pain, shame and longing. In the background of my agony, I heard the roar of one of the SUVs the Denali clan used driving down the long lane that led to the cabin. Stifling a snort of surprise, I heard Tanya's voice singing a bawdy Russian song as the SUV neared the attached garage. I could also hear a heartbeat. Tanya must be entertaining one of her human lovers today. I sighed, blocked out her singing and then let my mind float again.

As I drifted, I disinterestedly heard the door open from the garage into the main house and felt the draft that accompanied it.

I gasped and my eyes opened wide in shock. Like a wrecking ball, a battering ram her familiar scent hit me. Bella! My breathing turned raspy and every emotion I had ever had ripped through my soul, - desire, need, love, hate, joy, peace, happiness, grief – Bella!

Before I knew I moved, I was across the room, had thrown open the door and saw the object of my every thought for more than five years ascending the stairs towards me, with Tanya following protectively behind her.

If I could splinter into a million pieces I would have in the moment she lifted her eyes to mine and heard her breathe my name. Every atom of my body sizzled with joy – Bella, Bella, Bella!

Quicker than thinking I rushed to her, swept her into my arms and then returned to my room - my lair - wanting my adored one all to myself and all alone. I set Bella down on her feet, her scent perfuming the room with its loveliness. She was here! She was here!

I couldn't help myself, I gathered her into my embrace so that she'd fit into the holes in my soul as she always had. I buried my face into her luscious hair and inhaled deeply. Bella, Bella, Bella.

If I could sob, I would have. She was such a balm to my soul, such an antidote to my overwhelming need. To my utter delight, she leaned back, lifted her face, and placed her sweet lips against mine, wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me closely to her. The conflagration that erupted between us was a welcome relief and I melted into her kiss. The way she returned my kiss told me more than words could have – that she still desired me and loved me, too. We were finally, after too long apart, home at last. We were whole.

Too soon, she pulled away and I looked down into her chocolate brown eyes – had they become more dear in the intervening years?—with complete adoration. She was my world. She was my everything.

She opened her sweet lips and in the sweetest and most tender tone she asked, "Why are you being such an emo little bitch, Edward?"

Shock wasn't good enough to describe the feeling that I was drowning in now – more like dumbfounded astonishment. I was aware that Emmett was there and had said something typically Emmett-like. I ignored him. I stepped back from Bella, my eyes widened in hurt and disbelief, "Bella, how can you say that?" And then she spoke, she explained what I refused to see. The more Bella said, the more I realized that I had missed what should have been the whole point in our relationship.

"Do you still love me, Bella?" I asked in desperation.

"Of course I love you, Edward. I will always love you, no matter what."

And ultimately she gave me a choice.

It was then that I realized what a complete idiot I'd been. I'd been so wrapped up in my pity party that I had forgotten that Bella had a say in our relationship, in our history, as well as I did. The problem was, I never allowed her a say. I was so bull-headedly wrapped up in my own angst and worry that I never gave her a choice. Our relationship had to be on my terms and her desires and decisions were summarily brushed off. I had been so unfair and stupid.

Bella was too inexperienced when we first met that she couldn't find her voice. She went along with my every action, rarely protesting, putting up with all my idiocy simply because she wanted to be with me under any terms – any terms at all – no matter what it did to her own sense of self.

My error was huge. It was a stubborn refusal to grow and to let Bell have some control. I was so busy beating myself up, so worried about what might happen, I failed to realize what I was doing to myself and to our relationship. My attitude had stunted my growth and almost strangled any hope for a good relationship.

Wise Bella had learned from our experience. I didn't. She told me I could either continue to be ensnared in these feelings of guilt, fear and shame and be eternally seventeen or let them go so that I could finally become the man I was destined to be.

But how was I to do that? I could never go back to Bella until I had a definite plan on how to make something out of my existence. She deserved more than the man I was now. I needed guidance and wisdom. I needed the example of a life already being lived as it should. I needed Carlisle.

I decided to find one of my cousins, so I went downstairs to the great room and saw Tanya curled up on a sofa. She looked up in surprise from the book she was reading, "Edward!"

"Hello, Tanya." I stood there uncomfortably for a moment then said, "I apologize for being so unfriendly since coming here. I know I've been a burden and I thank you for the kindness and support you have given me, none the less."

"It's fine, Edward. We understood what you were going through. Dare I hope that you've decided to join us now?"

"I am ready for a change, Tanya, and I know I don't deserve your patience. I am not sure I know exactly what I am going to do but I think I need to see Carlisle. Do you have a phone I could use?"

"I think I have something better than that." Tanya walked over to a cabinet, opened the door and pulled out a box. "This is for you, Edward. Alice sent it."

Shaking my head, I'd forgotten what it was like having Alice the Psychic for a sister and took the box up to my room. When I opened it I found, much to my amusement, a new set of clothes –trust Alice to make sure I looked stylish - , my updated driver's license and a fully charged iPhone with pertinent numbers already in the contact list. Flicking through the screens, I was amazed. Technology had sure rocketed ahead while I was gone.

I returned to the contact list and scrolled down to see what numbers Alice thought I needed. I saw one for each member of the family. "Cullen, Alice. Cullen, Carlisle. Cullen, Emmett. Cullen, Esme. Hale, Jasper. Hale, Rosalie. And then, there it was: Swan, Bella. I was so tempted to call her first but I knew I had nothing to tell her. I couldn't impose upon her until I could demonstrate I was the man she wanted. I was determined to be that man.

I touched Carlisle's name and soon was hearing the number going through. I heard Carlisle pick up the call.

"Carlisle, it's Edward. I want to come home."

My homecoming was joyous for the Cullen clan. Once I was able to recognize that the biggest whip I was flaying myself with was actually non-existent, I remembered the happiness that I found being with my family. I cursed myself for wasting even a few of my years in self-imposed damnation. Esme saved a room for me in the new house and moved the belongings I'd left behind in Forks into my current quarters. She added an extra touch, I noticed; specifically, a king sized bed. I'd never had a bed before since becoming a vampire. Why should I? I never slept. I had no lover. There was no use for such an unnecessary piece of furniture.

I stared at the bed, then turned to Esme and Carlisle who had shown me to my room. I didn't say anything, just quirked my eyebrow with a questioning look. Esme hurriedly explained, "We thought that you may want a bed now, Edward." She didn't continue with her explanation and I decided to leave it at that. If everything worked out well, I would have a need for that bed, I hoped. I smiled to think of it. But everything had to work out first.

"Carlisle, I want to talk to you about something."

"Of course, Edward. Let's go to my study where we can be comfortable." Carlisle led the way to a mahogany paneled room lined floor to ceiling with bookcases. Though in a new setting, I saw many familiar pieces that followed the Cullen family where ever they found themselves. There were the paintings that told the story of Carlisle's life. Against the window was the huge polished wood desk with embossed leather insets. In front of the dormant fireplace were the comfortable leather chairs arranged in front of the dormant fireplace.

Carlisle took a seat in one chair and indicated that I should take the other. We sat there for a moment staring at each other, Carlisle's fingers steepled in front of his face.

I'm ready when you are son, Carlisle thought.

I really didn't know where to start and Carlisle must have sensed my hesitancy because he said, "We sent Bella to you, Edward."

"Why?"

"Edward, we love you and hated to see you in such despair. We knew the only one who could help you was Bella, the very person you were despairing over."

I sighed and stared down at my hands, "It was such a shock to see her. She is even more beautiful than I remembered and it overwhelmed me. I held her in my arms and it was as if all my grief fell away. I don't want that pain anymore. It was a waste of my time, I see now. Useless."

"Edward, if you learned from it, then it wasn't useless."

"I learned more in the last few days than I have in a century, I think. Bella admitted to me that she still loved me but she didn't want to share her life with me unless I learned the same lessons that she had over the past five years. She told me that I had spent my life in grief and regret and I needed to move on from that. The problem is, Carlisle, I don't know how."

Carlisle gently smiled and shook his head, "Edward you've just made the first two steps: You found you needed to change and now you are seeking to change."

I shrugged. I didn't know what to think. "What do I need to do now, Carlisle?"

Carlisle rose from his chair and walked over to the portrait gallery hanging on the wall that told the story of his life. He pointed to one picture. It was a painting done right after Carlisle left the Volturi and sailed to the New World. It was a primitive water color of Boston during revolutionary times; a young city, growing steadily and weaning itself from the mother land.

"When I left Europe, I was determined to make a life for myself that meant something. I would not feed off of humans but that wasn't enough. I needed to make the best out of what I was given and I had an amazing resource at my disposal: time. Since that is seemingly infinite, there was much I could learn and then take what I learned and actually help the human race. I had been cursorily studying medicine for decades but it was in Boston that I began in earnest to be a doctor. The Boston State Hospital was in desperate need of skilled physicians but there weren't many to be had. I apprenticed myself to Jeremiah McGregor, a Scottish physician, who had rare knowledge in those days. He taught me the rudimentary basics of modern medicine and I've built off of that foundation ever since.

"It has given me great satisfaction to be able to contribute to the world, Edward. Perhaps that is what you need to do. Find your passion. Use it to improve the world. It will give your existence meaning and purpose. I think that is what Bella was trying to tell you."

"But what's my passion?" I asked.

Carlisle rose and put a comforting hand on my shoulder, "I can't tell you that, Edward. You'll have to discover that for yourself."

I spent several days contemplating what Carlisle told me. What was my passion? Why Bella, of course. I chuckled to myself. I knew that the passion I felt for her wasn't the same as finding a calling – a vocation. What was I called to do? Not to kill humans. That was one thing. But what else? I was an accomplished pianist but how could that lead to something that would help humanity? I could be a doctor like Carlisle but, truly, I wasn't interested enough in medicine to devote my eternity to it. I could read minds but short of becoming a professional poker player, I wasn't sure how that could used to help others.

I needed someone to talk to about this and there was only one person I could: Bella.