Holy fucking cow, has it almost been 7 months since I updated this story? I hope you guys still have your torches and pitchforks ready, because you certainly have the right to use them after such a long wait.

Chapter XVII

Fault

Lyon stormed out of the guild hall, straight into town. His blood felt like it was boiling inside his veins and his ears were drumming as it rushed through his body. The few people who were already out on the street immediately made way as they saw him coming. They definitely didn't feel like pissing off an angry mage. If you lived in the same town as the Fairy Tail guild, you knew what kind of havoc they could muster.

And the white haired man looked ready to fly at someone's throat! Small ice crystals appeared where he walked and the man himself radiated a cold that went straight through everything, chilling you right to the bone.

Once Lyon reached the edge of town, he forced himself to take a halt. He closed his eyes and took a few calming breaths and tried to relax his body. His fists unclenched and his tense shoulders dropped.

He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere if he just blindly stormed off like this. The other Fairy Tail members had been searching for... that monster, for a week already without any success. If he wanted to catch the bastard, he needed a clear mind to make a decent plan. The people at the guild had told him the search groups went in all different directions to look for him. They had no clue where he could have gone and at the pinkette's house they hadn't found any indications either. He could have gone anywhere.

First Lyon wanted to go and visit the crime scene, the forest around Hakobe Lake. Maybe he could find some clues there, because how did you even begin to look for someone that could have gone anywhere? Not to mention that the dragon slayer had a week's head start. He doubted the other members had overlooked anything important in the forest, but he needed to start somewhere.

He wished he could contact the rest of Lamia Scale and have them help out as well, but he had promised Master Makarov not to. The ice mage hated he couldn't but he also understood the old man's reasoning. This news would tarnish Fairy Tail's reputation, and bad publicity could be disastrous for a guild. When people lost faith in a guild and the mages, the amount of mission requests would drop considerably. It wouldn't be the first time a guild went down like that, no missions meant no money.

And the last thing Fairy Tail needed right now was something else to worry about.
So Lyon would keep quiet for as long as Makarov wanted him to.

As he started his way towards the lake, Lyon tried to recollect everything he knew about the dragon slayer. With regret he had to admit it wasn't much. There were no dragon slayers in Lamia Scale, only a god slayer. Was their magic even close? They were both of the slaying type, but then again, what did Lyon know about other molding magic apart from ice? Not that much, so he doubted Chelia could help him out on that part. Next to that he doubted there was something like a 'god mating season'.

He had fought the man once, long ago on Galuna Island. more than seven years ago. Although the fire mage probably hadn't changed that must since he had spend seven years outside of time on Tenrou Island. Then he had gone on that mission where they had to stop Nirvana and later there were the Grand Magic Games. Lyon replayed all those moments in his head, trying to picture as many details as he could. He was going to need everything he knew about the slayer's fighting style if he wanted to be able to defeat him.
Other than that, he just knew Natsu was raised by an actual dragon and that that dragon had disappeared long ago. He had spend years trying to find it, without success.

Lyon felt desperation bubbling up as he couldn't come up more information. That was all he knew, nothing more. But still, the older ice mage felt determined. He would find a way to track that damn bastard down.

He would not come back from this hunt barehanded.

Loke walked into the bar, rubbing his eyes. He was dead tired and he needed something to eat. He didn't like to leave Gray alone, but he also needed to talk to Porlyusica. They needed to find a way to get Gray to sleep, even if he stubbornly refused. He really needed the rest.

As soon as Loke entered the hall, all people present jumped up in worry.

"Nothing's wrong. Gray is...stable." He reassured quickly. "I just want to talk to Porlyusica." He also figured Gray might want to be alone for a few minutes, he hadn't really been able to ever since he woke up.

"She's not back yet." The master said, stepping forward. "I guess she'll be back soon, though."

The rest of the group sat back down. Lucy looked at Loke with a worried expression, she wanted to tell him to go home and rest, but just as she wanted to go over to him she saw the master come up to talk to the spirit.

"How's he doing, Loke?" The master asked concerned. "Did he talk to you?" The raven had barely said a word to him or any of the other

s since he woke up. Even to Porlyusica he had used the bare minimum. The rest of the time he just stared ahead of him apathetically.

"He did." Loke nodded.

The master sighed with a bit of relief. "How was he? Did he talk clearly? Or did he have any more hallucinations?"

"He was more or less stable, I guess. Although he broke down once, he panicked and his magic lost control again, but he was able to regain it pretty fast."

"That's great." Makarov smiled. If he was getting a grip of himself this quickly, things might look less dark.

Loke shook his head however. "His mental state really worries me, ji-san. It's like... flipping a switch; one moment he's talking clearly, then the next he's trying to hurt himself and saying all these awful things about himself. His behaviour can change completely in just a few seconds. And he's so... bitter."

Makarov closed his eyes and nodded in understanding. It was only normal for Gray to have such dark feelings, and in the end he stood alone in all of this. The rest of the guild could support and be there for him, but nobody could even start to comprehend what he had been through. They could help him recover, but he was the one who has to do the work. "What did he talk to you about?"

"He told me in short what happened." Loke's stomach turned just thinking back to the details. "It's absolutely horrifying what he's been through, master. Worse than I even expected. He... had to live in pain and mortal fear for two weeks. The things Natsu did to him, I can't even repeat it."

"Did he mention..." Even Makarov had trouble getting the words over his lips, but Loke didn't need to ask what he was talking about.

"He didn't at first, so I didn't bring it up either. I figured that if he wanted to talk about it, he would bring it up himself. At the end though, he seemed to know that I knew. So he told me." The spirit went slightly paler. He looked around the hall to make sure none of the others could hear him and dropped his voice. "It wasn't just once, master. That monster raped him several times a day!"

"I think it's best to contact a psychiatrist as soon as possible." With everything that had happened he was sure to need one. Makarov just hoped from the bottom of his heart that would be enough for Gray to get over this trauma one day. "Do you think he's ready to have Wendy come and heal him? Now that he's awake, her healing magic might take better effect on him. Did he say something about the other dragon slayers?"

"I'm not sure how he'll react." The spirit frowned. The ice mage seemed stable at the moment, but as he had said before, he could completely change his behaviour over seconds. "I brought Gajeel up in the conversation and he was about to panic. He really seemed on edge just thinking about having a dragon slayer nearby."

"Yes, I feared that was going to be the case. It might be better to wait and see what Porlyusica has to say first."

"I'd like to bring Wendy in as soon as possible. She will probably be such a great help to him. He might actually be pretty calm around her, she's only a little girl after all." The spirit shrugged.

"I'd rather not risk it before Porlyusica is here. She warned that he has to keep as calm as possible. All the emotional and physical stress has strained his heart and we have to make sure not to add to it."

Loke nodded. The last thing they needed to do was scaring Gray into having a heart-attack. "I just hope his wounds start healing soon. Otherwise..." The spirit had to swallow back his urge to cry. "Otherwise I don't see this ending well."

"I'm sure they will heal. It's important for him to rest enough, so his body has a chance to recover. That way the pain will also be more bearable. Is he sleeping now?"

"No, that's the problem." The spirit frowned. "He refuses to sleep. He doesn't want to because he's afraid the nightmares will come back. I know it would be much better for him to sleep, but... I can't really blame him for wanting to stay awake."

"We'll find a way to lift his burdens." The master said reassuringly, "Now... how are you doing, Loke?"

The spirit was taken aback by the sudden question. "Me?"

"You seem awfully tired yourself. You've been in the human world for over a week. I don't want you to strain yourself either. You won't help Gray by getting sick yourself."

Loke smiled sadly, the old man cared so much for every last one of his members, this whole situation must be tearing him up inside more than anyone could imagine. "I'm fine, ji-san. Just a little tired. Don't worry about me."

"I trust you take care of yourself." The master smiled. "But just to make sure, I'll leave you in the caring hands of your owner."

The old man smiled at someone standing behind him before he started towards his office. Loke turned around to find the blonde mage standing a few meters away. She came up to him and took his hand.

"You should go rest in the spirit world, if only just for a while." She really started to worry for him too. The man looked awfully pale and even the sunglasses could no longer hide the dark circles underneath his eyes. He was in this world under his own magic, which made his energy drain even faster.

"I don't want to leave his side. I'll just have a catnap later." He smiled, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll tell him you went back to rest, Gray will understand that." She tried again. She could feel Loke's life force diminish by the second. "He won't be alone. We're all here for him."

Loke was about to assure her that he was fine again, but the truth was that he could indeed feel that his strength was running to its end. If he were to stay longer, he could seriously damage his body and then he would have to go back to the Spirit World for a much longer time.

"I'll go and rest. But later. First I want to hear what Porlyusica has to say. Gray refuses to sleep and I want to make sure he gets his rest as well." He finally gave in.

Lucy still seemed a little reluctant. She'd rather have him rest in the Spirit World as soon as possible, but she figured this was the best deal she would be able to get. This Lion was as stubborn as could be.

"Fine." She smiled. She probably should go home and rest herself too. She'd spend most of past week in the guild also, sleeping in the guestrooms. A few people stayed at the guild, as they all wanted to be there if something happened; whether it was something with Gray, or one of the search groups coming back.

"You're fine, right?" Loke asked as he looked at her puffy eyes.

"Yes, I'm fine. Can't seem to stop crying, though, but I'm fine."

The spirit pulled her into a hug and rubbed her tense shoulders. After he had let go off her, he scanned the hall to see who had stayed the night.
"Where's that Lyon guy? Did he go back home?" Loke asked confused. The older ice mage had seemed so concerned about his 'brother', he hadn't expected him to leave just like that before he had the chance to see Gray.

"He left not that long ago. He couldn't hold out any longer and went to look for Natsu."

"I hope for that Salamander that he's found by some other group." Gajeel huffed. "I seem to remember Whitey saying something about a pair of dragon skin boots. I would take his word for it."

"Well, I hope he does find him and saves me a pair." Loke growled.

Natsu dragged his feet through the forest. He looked down the hill, to the town he had just passed through. He had already forgotten the name, but he knew he'd recognized it when he saw the sign posts. He wasn't nearly as far away from Magnolia as he had hoped. He had been on the road for more than a week already, but if anyone would find out where he was, they'd catch up with him in nothing more than a day if they were to take a train or another vehicle.

Next to that he had lost about a day of his lead. A few days earlier, it had taken several hours of walking before he realized he was going back towards Magnolia. It was the only place in the world where he wanted to be away from, yet his body seemed to get pulled into that direction. He consciously needed to remind his feet to go the other way.

Natsu even pondered whether or not to take a train himself. It would get him away so much faster, yet he was already feeling this bad. He didn't think he'd survive a train ride. The idea of spending an extended period of time near other people was also a big turn off. Somebody might recognize him.

He had tried to avoid towns and people as much as possible these last few days, yet he still needed to from time to time. He needed to get food and if he wanted to succeed in his quest to find Igneel he had to have at least some interaction with others. Only that way he were to get information on dragons.
This almost felt like the old days, when he spend whole weeks just traveling through the country, gathering information on anything that could lead to finding the dragons. It felt like it was a lifetime ago. He hadn't been on a real search ever since he met Lucy and she joined the guild. Not much later they had formed the team and he barely went out on his own anymore.

Natsu didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to remember all those mission he had spend side by side with them, with his friends. Side by side with Gray.

He felt an anger bubble up inside of his gut, setting ablaze a fire hotter than anything he had ever felt. It crept to every last cell it could find, making his mind go hazy.

That was what his life was supposed to be! Side by side with his mate. With Gray!

Why couldn't he have that? Why was fate so cruel to him and why couldn't Gray just love him back?

Natsu had started to loath his magic. He loathed himself for doing something he had never wanted to happen.
The old Natsu had died the moment he laid a finger on Gray. Even after his rage had ended, he hadn't returned to his normal self. He would never be able to go back to that.

And he hated all of it!

Some nights he woke up sweating and disoriented with memories and nightmares that didn't belong to him. How could he even see inside of Gray's mind like that? He didn't want it! He didn't want to see the nightmares, because it pushed his nose on the fact that he had made Gray relive it all.
The good memories he wanted to experience just as little. He didn't deserve to be a part of those good times, he didn't want to see them. He had no business looking into those.

The only way he wanted to know about all those things, was if they were being told by Gray. He'd wanted for the ice mage to trust him enough to confide in him and share his deepest fears and dreams.

He could almost picture it. Gray and himself sitting together, having dinner or sitting around a cozy fire. Gray would tell him everything about his hopes and dreams and fears and Natsu would listen and confide his own thoughts in return. They would share and deepen their bond to something very little people would ever be able to experience. They would hold each other and kiss and make love.

But he could never have that!

Tears dripped down his cheeks and Natsu let out a pained cry.

Why didn't Gray love me back? Why did he force me to become this monster?

"NO!" Natsu screamed suddenly. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a small voice kept whispering things like that to him.

It's all Gray's fault.

If he hadn't been so stupid, I could have been happy.

He ruined my life.

"This isn't Gray's fault. This isn't Gray's fault..." The slayer kept repeating it to himself to shut the other voice out.

He was afraid that there lived such a dark part in him. And he was so ashamed for not being able to control it.

"I'm the one who ruined Gray's life." Natsu cried. "I beat him and I raped him. Oh God, I raped him!"

Natsu's voice choked off with tears and whimpers. Admitting those things to himself made him want to bash his head to a wall.
He kept repeating his sins, he wanted to confront himself with what horrible things he had done to Gray. He needed to be punished for them!

"I'm a monster! I broke Gray's bones and I made him bleed! I raped him! I raped him!"

Suddenly Natsu's stomach turned and the small meal he had eaten that morning splattered onto the ground. He was so disgusted by himself that he physically felt sick.

He shambled towards a nearby creek to rinse his mouth. His skin felt so hot, it surprised him the water didn't evaporate as soon as it touched him.

He had trouble concentrating and again he felt the tugging in his stomach, trying to pull him back to where Gray was.

He tried to keep his mind clear. He couldn't go back, he had to be stronger than this feeling. He had to keep himself busy and not let that feeling get the chance to put his claws in his flesh, so instead, he focused on his own reflection in the water.

The olive green eyes stared back mercilessly. They looked... empty. Incomplete, somehow.

He carefully touched the skin on his cheek. He had thought the scales would disappear once the season was over, but they had only become less apparent. At times, when he woke up screaming again with the nightmares that didn't belong to him, the claws and fangs even started coming back.

He was starting to feel sick again. He turned away from the water and let himself slump to his side, wrapping his arms around his knees.

He felt like throwing up and he felt unnaturally warm, even for him. He could feel something dripping on his hands and at first he thought it were just his tears, but soon he felt that it was stickier and thicker than tears.

He opened his eyes and looked at the fluid. It was blood.
For some reason his nose had started bleeding.

What the hell was wrong with him?

Natsu didn't bother to stem it. He just closed his eyes again and ignored it. It will stop by itself.

He clamped the cross-necklace against his chest and prayed for the pain to go away. Not the physical pain. It were the emotions that were slowly killing him, from the inside out.

Gray stared at the ceiling in silence. The room seemed awfully big now that Loke had left it. The empty beds and all the white.

Why was there always so much white in hospitals and infirmaries? It's bright, but when you're sick or hurt it's depressing, really.

In all those years this room had barely changed and Gray remembered lying here many times before. Yet, all of those injuries seemed so insignificant now.

He still felt disoriented. He had been in a coma for a week and he had only woken up from it a few hours ago. Alive.

He wished he could say alive and well, but really it was only barely alive. And he didn't know what to think or feel.

He wanted to feel relieved because he was finally back home. He wanted to feel happy for seeing his friends after he thought he would never be able to again. And he wanted to feel fucking ecstasy for Natsu being far away.

But overall Gray just felt empty.

Somewhere deep inside he could feel all those things he wanted to feel flicker, yet the euphoria that should come with them stayed out.

And there was nothing he could do about it. The only thing he could do was just lay there and let everything wash over him.

His ribs gave a very unpleasant sting as he tried to breath in deeply. It only reminded Gray how helpless he actually was.
He tried to move his legs, but they just lay there motionless underneath the sheet. Even lifting his head to look at them made his nerves spew flames.

His whole body hurt so bad and he wanted it to stop. He wanted Loke to come back and get his mind off of things at least a bit. He wanted to see his smiling face and he wanted to force himself to smile with him. He wanted to feel something!

Or more precisely, he wanted to feel something good. He wanted something beside this emptiness that was fueled with anger and uncertainty.

And yet, he just lay there. Since it was all he could do. His body was just so smashed and torn up, even the morphine that was being pumped through his veins couldn't kill it.

The silence seemed to push on him.

Even with all the pain, Gray could barely keep his eyes open. Loke was definitely right; his body needed to rest. Yet as soon as he closed his eyes, his worst nightmares already flashed before him. He absolutely didn't want to go back to that.

Of course he knew he couldn't delay it forever, but every minute he could postpone it, he would grab.

He just didn't think he'd be able to handle seeing all those things again. He couldn't watch Ur die again. He couldn't watch his mother's bloodied body again. He couldn't relive every mistake he had ever made.

He just couldn't.

They had told him they found him about a week ago, so he had probably been comatose for just as long. But for Gray it had felt like years, having to relive it all again.

And he was so ashamed of himself.

He had hated how the other Fairy Tail members had looked at him. He didn't want them to look, he didn't want them to know. He had failed and he had lost. He didn't want them to see him like this and think less of him. He didn't want to see them look down on him.

Or had they always looked down on him like that?

Had he just never noticed it before?

You're pathetic.

Due to him, they lost one of the central figures of the Fairy Tail family. If he hadn't said no, this wouldn't have happened. What else could the other members do but blame him for that? The guild would never be the same after this.

You're selfish and stubborn.

No! Gray didn't want to remember those spiteful words!

"Loke, please come back. I'm loosing my mind, here." His voice came out as barely more than a whisper. "Loke didn't blame me, I'm not at fault!"

Gray had trouble keeping his thoughts sane and the pain biting at his nerves surely didn't help.

His whole body hurt so bad it even made breathing hard. He tried to remember the times he had felt extreme pain, but nothing compared to this. For those two weeks, he had fought so hard to survive, but now Gray was starting to doubt if it was all worth it.

He looked at his bandaged covered body and paralyzed legs. If they couldn't heal him, he would never be able to be a proper mage again. He would have to give up one of the most precious things in his life; the one thing that made him strong and gave him the courage to fight for anything.

And a single question kept crawling back to the front of his mind.

Did he really want to live like this?

Gray gritted his teeth in pain as he listened to the beeping of the monitor that registered his heart rate, and silently he wished that the beeping would just stop.

End of chapter XVII

I hope it was at least worth the wait a tiny bit. I know I keep promising this, but I'll really try to update as soon as possible.

Also, [spoiler for people who don't follow the manga] I started this story long ago and a lot has happened in the official storyline in the meantime. Unfortunately, as you know Igneel is dead. Since I don't update enough some of the things in this story are not that up to date, since Natsu is still searching for Igneel in this story. I will keep it that way of course since I don't want to screw up my story line. Just wanted to inform you guys!