Disclaimers: No, none of the characters belong to me nor do I receive any payment for the writing of this fanfiction. This story is rating M for violence and sexual scenes. Oh and if you're not a fan of same sex relationships, why did you even press the link to this story, man? Close the page.

Authors Note: Hey guys, I've pretty much falling in love with OitNB as I'm sure the rest of you have. This story is for the vauseman fan's, obviously. I'm not sure how many chapters it's going to have or how quickly it's going to be updated, due to the fact that I have another story I want to finish before this one. But I couldn't stop myself from uploading the first chapter at least. Reviews are obviously very welcome and appreciated, whethers it's advice, questions or hate mail, I love it all. Thank you for reading.

Hate You, Love You

Chapter One

Chapman

It could have been worse.

She was back in the SHU and it was cold and creepy and the screams of the other inmates rang loud in her ears but she knew, it could have been so much worse. For the blood that now stained her hands, she could be in maximum security but instead, she got six weeks in the SHU and an extended sentence. She didn't know which was worse, the next six weeks in solitary or the five years she'd spend in prison after. Five years locked away from the outside world, eating horrible food and living with half a prison that hated her. Five more years away from her family and friends, her fiancé; if she could call him that anymore. Five more years with the woman that ruined her life and at times, hated beyond reason.

The same woman that she loved so much that it hurt.

The light flickered annoyingly over her head as she sat against the cool stone wall, staring down at her hands. Her knuckles were bruised and broken, several splits in the skin that had been sewn up along with the slice on her hand. It could be worse, she admitted to herself. She could be in the hospital on life support like Pennsyltucky, with a face that was hardly recognizable anymore. If that wave of rage hadn't suddenly overtaken her outside in the snow, it could have been her in hospital, or worse, she could have been dead. But those last words Pennsyltucky spoke had really hit home, hit a truth in her that she hadn't even realized she felt and she lost it.

You ain't worthy of nobody's love!

It had hurt, but only for a moment until boiling anger had taken over and she'd satisfied her pain with inflicting it on someone else. It wasn't something she ever could see herself doing but she had. Prison had truly changed her. Or had she been like this all along and never known?

No, she had always known. She'd always had that crazy side and you can't fix crazy. You can only push it down for so long until it eventually comes bubbling back up and that's exactly what happened. Crazy Eyes was right, she wasn't a nice person.

"Man, you fucked up, Chapman," the blonde whispered to herself as she rubbed her wrists. They were sore from the Caputo's tight grip as he dragged her to the van which brought her here. She'd had two visitors so far, a police officer that recorded her statement over her fight with Tiffany and another from Caputo several hours ago, to give her the news of her extended sentence. She'd been there for what she estimated was three days, but it felt like three years.

Well, she thought to herself bitterly. At least I have a lot of time to think about everything I fucked up in the last few months.

The last ten years, more like it.

The hours dragged on as she lay in her bed, her stomach muscles cramping painfully from the sit ups she'd been doing. She had a lot of time to do nothing and she'd told Larry that at least she'd leave prison ripped and now seemed as good a time as any to start her new fitness regime. She figured it wouldn't hurt to come back to the prison with a few extra muscles and it would add some fuel to the gossip she was sure was spreading throughout the prison dorms as she spent her time in the SHU. Not that she needed any more rumors spreading around about her but it might keep some of Pennsyltucky's followers away from her if she looked a little more intimidating. She knew they'd be out for blood the minute she got back.

She wondered how long it had been since she entered solitary and guessed that it was about two weeks. She was starting to get used to the constant screaming, even managing sleep for a few hours after her work outs. She'd had plenty of time to think so far and her burning muscles gave her a much need reprieve from the sometimes painful thoughts racing around her head. She couldn't stop thinking about Larry and Alex and the beating she'd given Tiffany.

She remembered the feel of Larry's comforting arms around her and the way her heart raced and her body shook with Alex's head between her legs. And she remembered the feeling of meth head's blood dripping from her finger tips and into the once pure white snow, staining it along with her soul.

It was too much.

She didn't know how much longer she could stand to be with her own thoughts and yet, was even more terrified of returning to the prison, returning to Alex's cold looks and the visits from her mother which could only be even worse now than before. She didn't know if she could stand the silence from Larry that she had a feeling would never end. She knew that it was all her fault. She should have left Alex alone from the start and if she had, none of this would have happened. She would still be engaged to Larry, maybe even back in her bunk right now, planning her wedding. She could team up with Morello and maybe they could even plan together.

But Alex had always been inevitable to her.

She felt drawn to her like a moth to the flame and she was burnt just the same. Pennsyltucky's words had dug themselves into her brain and now she was actually starting to believe them. She had never deserved Alex's love, the first time or the second. She'd never deserved the love and devotion that Larry showed her or even the steadfast friendship from Polly. She'd ruined everything, all in what felt like a matter of moments and there was no way to go back. She could never go back, she could only move forward.

That's how she made her decision. It was the hardest thing she knew she'd ever have to do but it was an easy choice in the end. For once, she wouldn't be the selfish bitch that Alex knew her to be. She wouldn't be the hurtful person that had taken Larry's heart and crushed it. She would do as Alex told her and stay away from the raven haired woman. And she'd give Larry all the time he needed and just hope that maybe one day, she could at least have her best friend back.

With a heart wrenching sob that caused her entire body to shudder, Piper rolled onto her stomach, pushing her arms underneath her before starting a long number of pushups.

Vause

She stared at the pages of the well-worn book she held in her hands, her eyes scanning the words but taking nothing in. Her attention was grudgingly focused on the table next to her, where a group of women sat discussing the latest prison gossip. The one thing she wanted to hear about most yet didn't want to listen to at all. Why was it that all the prison gossip ended up focusing around one single inmate? The one person in all the world that she didn't want to think about yet was constantly in her thoughts. How could one person get into so much trouble in a fifteen month sentence?

Gods, Piper Chapman was the definition of trouble. And crazy, fucking psycho crazy.

"Dogget won't be coming back," Big Boo shook her head as she shifted the cards around in her thick fingers. "If she wakes up at all, she'll spend the rest of her sentence in Max."

"Do you think that's where Chapman's gone?" Morello asked with concern.

"I heard from Red that she's in the SHU," Nicky said as she picked up another card from the deck, a thoughtful look on her face. "She doesn't know when she's coming back though, if at all. Poor Blondie, she's been in there for three weeks."

"We shoulda done more. We shoulda helped her more instead of just letting her fend for herself," Poussey muttered with a frown on her face, arms crossed loosely over her chest. "We taught the kid some tricks, but she all bones and shit. Doggett was small, but she had fire. God's fire shooting right out of her ass."

"Hey, I helped!" Boo said indigently. "I gave her the goddamn screwdriver."

"You did vhat?"

Red's thickly accented voice caused all the girls to look up at the older woman who stood in the doorway. Her noodles were forgotten in her right hand as she stalked towards the table, glaring down at Big Boo.

"Why would you do something so idiotic?" Red hissed quietly, her eyes spitting fire. "She will be lucky if she ever gets let back here if they found that on her!"

"I was just trying to help," Boo muttered apologetically, resting her chin on her meaty fist. "At least I did something."

The group went silent after that, each lost in their own thoughts. I felt a touch of guilt at Boo's words but quickly pushed it down. Piper wasn't my problem anymore; she'd made that perfectly clear when she chose Larry over me. Why the fuck should I help her? When has she ever been there for me? All she wanted me for was a quick fuck in the chapel and someone to hold her hand as she served her sentence in Litchfield. As soon as she left this place, all thoughts of me would be forgotten again and she'd leave me broken like the last time.

Except this time, I knew I wouldn't be able to bounce back from it again.

I sighed in self-disgust as I immersed myself in my book, a poetry book that I had stumbled upon in the library and remembered as one of my mother's favorites. I let the words flow through me, relaxing me as I finally was able to think of something other than Piper. Piper and her stupid fiancé, her knack of getting herself in trouble, the way she felt as she lay in my arms. I forgot about everything.

Until Nicky sat down next to me, that cocky half smile, half smirk on her face.

"How you holding up, Vause?" She asked, running her long fingers through her always disheveled hair. I never took my eyes from the words in front of me as I answered her question.

"Fine, why wouldn't I be?" I spoke nonchalantly as I slowly turned the page. The corner of my lips turned up at the next poem. I had always had a thing for Shakespeare, not that I'd ever tell anyone. I remember once when I was in Paris with Piper and she recited some of his words into my ear as she made lo-

Oh, fuck no. We are not going there today.

"I don't know, because your girl is in the SHU? I know things have changed between you two but still, if it was Morello in there, I-"

"She's not my girl," I cut her off, trying to keep the bitterness from my voice and knowing I'd failed miserably when I looked up into Nicky's eyes. Her brown orbs were surprisingly sympathetic and I tried to quickly make light of the situation with a joke. "Seriously, after the Christmas present I gave you, I thought you'd know that."

Nicky grinned cockily, her eyes twinkling as she leant forwards in her chair. "You want a repeat, Vause?"

I raised an eyebrow at her, thinking that maybe there were more ways than one to take my mind off my crazy blonde ex-girlfriend.