Shingeki no Kyojin

In Freedom or Death

Chapter Four: Responsibility

It was her fault. It was definitely her fault. Laura was frozen as she watched Hanji and Richter treat to Rivaille. Hanji wiped the blood off his head while Richter examined the shoulder he had fallen on. Rivaille was semi-conscious and didn't move an inch unless they instructed him to. He spotted her standing at the doorway of the room, he opened his mouth as if to call out to her, but the words never came and he turned back to stare at the ground.

Laura tore her gaze away from him and walked into the hallway. She walked to the edge of the wall and began tapping her foot. She was thankful that Rivaille wasn't killed, but she was also anxious, knowing that it was probably due to her poor instructions that he'd gotten hurt. Or perhaps she had drastically overlooked something, maybe he had been right and he should have acted as the decoy.

"Heya, Laura."

She jolted from the light tap on her shoulder, she immediately spun around and gave an accusing glare. Of course Jaime paid her look no mind and returned with a grin instead.

"What are you standing around for?"

"Rivaille's hurt," she eyed the infirmary.

"Seriously?" Jaime leant forward and peeked into the room. "Ouch, looks bad. What happened?"

"A deviant," she fidgeted on the spot as she replied. "I think I made a bad call."

She was jumpy and she hasn't looked away from the ground for a while now. The last time she was like this was after the last expedition; they had lost a couple of friends then, she wasn't responsible for anything but for some reason it was still her fault. She was always desperately trying to justify reasons for the tragedies that have occurred, and when she couldn't think of any she automatically jumped to the conclusion that she was somehow responsible. That it was somehow her fault that they were killed.

"… Laura, you've never make a bad call."

"… Yeah…?" she met his eyes hesitantly. "Well, I did this time."

"… Well um, I was actually looking for you guys. Commander wants to see us all in his office."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," when she didn't reply, he placed a hand on her shoulder. "Why don't I go ahead with Hanji and Richter? I'll explain things with Erwin."

"Yeah, okay," she nodded quick as he headed in. "And Jaime?"

"Hm?"

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it, princess."

Laura hanged around outside as she waited for everyone else to leave, and when they walked past her Hanji gave a reassuring "he'll be fine". After they disappeared down the corridor, she tiptoed over to the doorway and peeked in. They had lied him down on a bed, and he looked asleep. She walked into the room and sat on the seat beside his bed.

The man was paler than usual and his head was bandaged up. Laura didn't want to look at his shoulder, it was jarred and his bones were probing at his skin unnaturally. Laura shuddered and leant forward onto the bed, elbows sinking into the mattress as guilt-ridden thoughts ran through her head. She hid her face in her palms in fear that tears will begin rolling, but before they could she felt the sheets under her shift.

She jolted back up immediately and saw that Rivaille had sat up and was resting against the headboard, eyes piercing straight through her. She quivered slightly and sat back onto the seat.

"… H-How are you feeling?"

She hated the shakiness in her voice, but she was on the verge of tears and it didn't help that he was staring holes through her. She looked down and began playing with her fingers, she couldn't take looking at him, meeting his gaze head-on; it was too much for her.

"I'm fine."

Laura felt her nose grow prickly and her eyes wet again. She hasn't felt this weak in a long time, she hated that he was protecting her by lying but she couldn't think of a way to express her thoughts. Gripping her hands on her lap, she began speaking again.

"… I'm so sorry, Rivaille," Laura released a quiet sob. "I can't believe you almost got killed on your first patrol. I really am a terrible teacher. And a terrible captain… I'm so sorry."

"… Laura, I'm fine-."

"You're not!" her eyes shot back up, giving him a knowing look. "Your shoulder shouldn't be sticking out like that, your head is wet with your own blood, and it's all my fault."

"They said it was just dislocated," Rivaille murmured, eyes wandering away, unsure of what to say really. "Four-eyes said she'll pop it back to place later."

She didn't say anything afterwards, she just stared at him as if she hadn't heard him at all. This worried him. He wanted to find the words to reassure her but he didn't know where to begin.

After a moment, her gaze fell onto her lap again. Those bright green eyes of hers vanishing from his view; he watched as her head bobbed up and down, it was a strange movement and her shoulders were shaking. It was then when he realized what was happening; she was crying, and not just for any reason, but she was crying for his sake. At this moment, she wasn't his captain anymore; she was just another seventeen year old crying because she felt responsible for his near-death experience.

"Hey Laura, look at me."

She obliged, meeting his dark gray eyes, he saw that she was quivering again. He knew he had to say something now. Anything that'd put her mind at ease and stop herself from thinking it's her fault.

"I'm really fine," he tried again. "… And it's not your fault; any moron could have understood what you meant. I understood everything. I was just careless."

Once again she didn't reply, and this time he clicked his tongue in annoyance, with his good arm he reached for her hand. First thing he noticed was how cold her fingers were, they said he had a fever but she felt much colder than a normal person. She also didn't flinch away – definitely a good sign.

"Listen, I really did understand everything you said," he started again, speaking to her in a slow calm voice. "Rely on your horse, grapple onto the titan's back, and don't miss. I remember everything, and as plain as it was it was simple to follow; but like you said, I didn't have the experience and couldn't finish the job. It's not your fault, in fact you saved my ass, so stop blaming yourself."

As he spoke, Laura looked as if she was going to cry again.

"Hey kid, stop crying already!" he frowned. "It really doesn't hurt anymore or anything. Save your tears for when some idiot actually dies."

"… Yeah, yeah, okay," she finally gave a smile, her eyes fell lax and she gripped back into his hand. "I was just really worried and… I'm glad you're alright."

"… Yeah, I'm fine now."

Now that she has finally calmed down, Rivaille released her hand and looked away sheepishly. It was as if the pair had just suddenly realized they were holding hands. It wasn't anything substantially intimate or embarrassing but it came to them somewhat as a shock considering they've only known each other for a little over a week.

"… I'm going to go back to sleep."

"Alright, tell me if there's anything you need."

Rivaille just nodded as he lied back down on his pillow. It was hard to believe that he got worn out just with all that talking; he couldn't remember the last time he had to exert himself so much while taking part in a conversation. He now understood just how horrifying it could be to speak to girls; well, Laura at least. And her eyes must have been magically connected to a well or something by the amounts she can cry; he also concluded that comforting a crying captain was something he never wanted to do again.

As he began dozing off, he heard her sniffling again from the crying earlier. The mattress creaked beside him, and he felt something warm shift beside him. Opening an eye, he saw her head resting beside his arm. Her breathing indicated that she had fallen asleep. He couldn't help but give a short smile; both at how easily she fell asleep and how sweet it was to have her by his bedside.

'… Not bad.'

XoXo

Laura woke under the comfort of warm sheets in a proper bed. She was still in the infirmary, but she's somehow gotten herself into a bed. After a moment of recollecting herself, she sat up and saw that she was alone in the room. After a little more inspecting, she realized that the bed she was in was the very same one Rivaille was in earlier in the day. She rubbed her eyes as she climbed out of the bed. At least a few hours must have passed; she could feel her back and neck stiff from the unusual nap.

She made her way up to the captains' quarters, in hope that she'll find someone to give her an explanation on what happened. To her dismay, she only found Jaime lounging around the common room. There was a small stack of letters on the table beside him and a book in hand.

"Hey," he greeted. "Sleep well?"

"I guess so, yeah," she replied. "Where's everyone else?"

"Not sure," he shrugged before pointing to the stack. "Your usual letter's here."

He lowered his book onto his lap and fiddled around with the stack in search for the envelope addressed to her. When he found it, he passed it over to her and returned to his book.

"Scoot over," she waited as he retracted his legs, making room on the sofa. "What're you reading?"

"Not sure myself, but I heard it's written by a guy that's like a religion conspiracy theorist or something."

"Oh?" she nodded as she scanned through the contents of her own letter. "Sounds fun. You enjoying it?"

"Totally," he glanced over to her. "And what did your brother say?"

"… The usual," she shrugged. "He mentioned my mum freaking out over some devil's book though, think he's talking about the very one in your hands?"

"Oh yeah, most likely."

Jaime grinned as he turned back to his book. There were moments like these between the two – when they were able to just sit side by side without Jaime cracking a bad joke or Laura losing her temper. It didn't happen often, but there were times when Jaime unwinds down to a drastically more composed demeanor; and when he did, Laura liked spending time with him.

"By the way, about the meeting you missed."

"Yeah?"

"The commander's trying to fill up the vacant captain space, and we were asked for our opinions on the nominated candidates."

"Who're the candidates?"

"No one from your squad, but there's two from Hanji's, one of Richter's and one of mine."

"I feel ostracized."

"… Huh?"

"Excluded."

"Jeez, don't go sprouting crazy words all of a sudden like that," Jaime sighed, clapping the book shut. "My reading and writing level is less than mediocre compared to yours."

"It's not like I said it to make you feel bad," she grumbled back. "… So any favorites?"

"Yeah, some bloke named Mike in Hanji's squad," Jaime shrugged. "Apparently he accompanied the commander when he visited the capital a while back. Even Richter was pushing for him."

"Seen him around but I've never spoken to him."

"Me neither," Jaime yawned lightly. "… Whose squad is in charge of dinner tonight?"

"Richter's I think."

"Why don't we go do something fun?" he stood up eagerly, grabbing the letter out of her hand. "Let's go swipe some food."

"No, dinner's only an hour away," she reached for her letter with a light frown. "Jaime, give it back."

"You get it back when we go steal something from the kitchen."

"Are you serious?" her frown deepened when he nodded. "You're such a child! Fine then! Give it here!"

She snatched the crumpled paper back and pocketed it after folding it carefully. Jaime then pulled her off her seat and dragged her downstairs. She wasn't up for snagging something from the kitchen as it set a bad example but she couldn't deny that she was hungry. She's decided that if worst comes to worst and they get caught, Laura will simply put the blame on Jaime.

"… Oh yeah! You missed the grossest arm popping ever!" Jaime suddenly got excited. "It made a noise and everything. I'm surprised Rivaille didn't like cry or something."

"What? When was this?"

"After the meeting we got back to the infirmary and we found you two sleeping like babies," Jaime recalled. "Which, by the way, I was a little jealous because you never accept my sleepover invites."

"I just fell asleep," Laura frowned. "And your 'sleepover' obviously has hidden meaning behind it!"

The two continued to bicker until they reached the kitchen, and which by then they've already alerted the squad inside and had no luck taking anything as they were vigilant of the two captains.

XoXo

In the middle of the night, Laura found herself lying in bed as awake as a person could be. The irregular nap in her normal sleep cycle has obviously done a number on her (for tonight at least). She slowly climbed out of bed and slipped into her indoor shoes. With the curtains shut, her room was completely pitch black; she struggled to feel out the matches and candle, but once she did she managed to light the lamp.

There wasn't much she could do at night, perhaps she'd get herself a cup of tea before trying to sleep again; but she wasn't all that keen on heading down to the pantry herself. She could always help out with guard duty, though it may seem meddlesome of her seeing that it wasn't her squad on duty. Laura picked up the little lantern and headed outside. She supposed she could always do with a good book for a light read.

As she arrived in the library, the first thing she noticed was that there was someone else in the room. There was already a lit lantern on one of the desks, and sitting cross-legged on the sofa was none other than Rivaille. He immediately looked up when she walked in; he looked surprised for a moment before placing his book down.

"… Good evening," Laura tried not to sound too surprised. "I didn't expect to run into anyone."

"I can't sleep."

"Me too," she shrugged and placed the lantern down. "The nap was too much for my normal sleep pattern."

"… My shoulder stings when I lie on it."

Laura's eyes flickered to the bandages under his loose sweater. He caught her looking and rubbed his shoulder lightly.

"It only hurts when I put weight on it," he said. "It's fine right now."

"What about your head?"

"The bleeding stopped."

"Maybe you should sleep in the infirmary?" she suggested. "I think the mattresses are supposed to be softer than the ones in the dorms."

"It's fine," he looked away. "I'm not really sleepy."

"Right."

Laura gave him a little nod before walking by him and towards the bookshelves. The castle had a large library, and there was a large collection of books. Laura wandered through the maze of shelves as she browsed the titles.

Though she had only wanted a light read, most of the books here are more advanced non-fiction titles. Most spoke of the history of the walls or the religious principles of the creation of the walls. Towards the end of the shelves, on the last smallest shelf there was finally some fiction. Not much, and it was mostly poetry; but it was better than nothing. She picked out a lighter book from the bunch and headed back to where Rivaille was.

"Mind if I sit with you?"

"Go ahead."

Rivaille made room for her on the large sofa and she sat on the other end comfortably. She placed her lantern on the end table next to hers and opened her book to the first page. As she read her book, she couldn't help but feel slightly tense sitting beside Rivaille. They weren't close at all; at least a good few inches apart but with the room being so still and silent, it felt as if he was sitting right beside him with their shoulders touching.

As she grew more aware of the man sitting beside her, she realized that he hasn't flipped a page since she's sat down. Whether it was awkward shifting or flipping of pages, it's been her making noise the whole time. Lingering on a page she's caught herself rereading over, she decided to take a chance and peek over at his direction.

She bucked up the courage and slowly turned and peeped through her fringe. He was looking at her, directly at her in fact. The book in his hand looked long forgotten and he didn't move the slightest when she turned to him.

"… What's the matter?"

"… Nothing," he looked away eventually. "I was just thinking…"

"About?"

Another silence. Laura waited a couple of seconds for his reply, but when he didn't say anything she just returned to her book, thinking that he had ignored her.

"Your hair…"

"Hm?" she looked up from her book again. "What about my hair?"

"… What do I call it?"

"You mean the colour?"

"Yeah."

Laura placed her book down and reached for a strand of hair to examine. It's been a while since someone has asked or noted on her physical appearance and she doesn't quite know what to say.

"Um… auburn, maybe?" she replied with a nervous chuckle. "… I'm afraid I've never really given it much thought."

"Auburn, huh?" he considered it as he watched her. "… It's nice."

"You really think so?"

He found it difficult to reply, more like he didn't know how to reply. He's never been good with words or girls for a matter. So it was no surprise that he was having problems speaking to a girl that was even younger than himself. Averting his eyes elsewhere, he gave a slow nod. Laura felt her chest squeeze up when he did so. She snapped back down to her book anxiously and hoped she hasn't turned as red as her hair.

"… Thank you, Rivaille."

"It's no big deal."

"Maybe not to you," Laura dipped her face forward, hiding her smile. "But girls do like their compliments."

Rivaille watched as she resumed her reading. She had no idea the kind of affect she had on him; she was the prize on a golden pedestal and him the entranced fool unworthy of her. The more he was in her presence, the more he grew fond of her.

She had returned to reading her book, and it was a little surprising how much she dropped her guard after that short conversation. Earlier on, she was so fidgety and cautious of him but now it was as if she'd grown completely used to be presence. He watched as she leaned backwards and rested her neck behind.

The moment he was about to settle down, she let out a tiny yawn. Laura used the book to cover her mouth and she rubbed her eyes dry of tears. She made an effort to continue to read but it wasn't long when another yawn escaped her.

"Sorry, Rivaille, looks like I've finally gotten tired," she shut her book and she stood up. "I'm going to head upstairs first. Goodnight."

Rivaille had no clue what let him to panic the way he did when he watched her head for the door; but whatever the reason was, he sure wanted to slap himself for it afterwards. The second Laura stepped out of the room, he stood up and called after her.

"Laura, wait."

"Yes?"

She came to a halt and looked over her shoulder. Her eyes still tired but a smile present. He was at a complete lost for words; he had no clue why he called after her or what he expected out of it but now he desperately needed to think of something to say or otherwise make himself look like a complete fool.

"What is it?" she stepped back into the room. "Does it hurt somewhere?"

"No," he met her eyes slowly. "… I-... I- can't actually read."

Immediate regret.

The look she gave him was priceless. It was as if she hadn't decided if to laugh or cry. Her lips quivered into a smile as she looked away, trying to hide her trembling face from him.

"Seriously?" she managed to mumble.

"Yeah."

When he confirmed it, she let out a tiny titter. It's not the kind of laughter he usually saw when she was with the other captains, but a smaller more feminine one – cute even. Perhaps he'd always felt a little envious when he saw her laughing with her friends, but he now realized that he much preferred this sweet little smile.

The expression he made next must have startled her, because she looked down and took a quick step back. He didn't even realize that he began frowning. He rubbed the back of his neck as he thought of what to say next.

"I'm sorry for laughing," she bowed her head slightly. "It's just that you've been sitting there with a book in your hand this whole time… I just… wasn't expecting that."

"It's fine."

Laura walked back over to the sofa and dropped herself into the seat she was in before. When she did so, he sat back down beside her. Unlike last time, he was a little closer to her than before, but that was only because she sat towards the middle.

"… So you can't read, Rivaille?"

"No."

"Would you like to learn how?"

"What?"

"I'm offering to teach you," she gave him one of her winning smiles. "So do you want to learn how to?"

Laura wondered if he was one of those guys that would let their pride get in the way. When she saw his regular frown, she knew that she had hit it right on.

"… Hey, it's not like it's uncommon to be illiterate," she said slowly. "I know for a fact that most soldiers only learn after enlisting. It's just one of those things."

"… Are you pitying me?"

"Of course not!" she sighed. "I just thought I could help you out."

"Don't need it."

"You were the one that called after me like you had some urgent business."

"… Don't get full of yourself, brat."

"At least I'm an educated brat," she did her best not to sound too condescending but it was difficult with the attitude he was putting up. She was asked to befriend him and she knew it'd take effort but not this difficult. "… A brat that is willing to teach you how to read and write if you are willing to learn."

"… You sure you can do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You remember that you're a crappy teacher, right?"

As he spoke those words Laura simply smiled; she almost rolled her eyes but she refrained from doing so. At least she's made some progress with Rivaille today. Minus the fact she nearly got him killed, he seemed somewhat more open now.

"Well, okay then. From this point on we'll meet on evenings on the days we're not on patrol," she said. "Does that sound okay?"

"How many days is that in a week?"

"That's four days for us."

"Okay."

"Great," she stood up again, tucking the book under her arm and reaching for the lantern. "I'm going to get some rest and you should too."

"Like I said, I'm not sleepy."

"Rivaille…" she sighed. "Well, take care of yourself. Goodnight."

"Night."

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