Hi! This is my parody fic. The goal in each of these is to present to those without the time to read the quartet with the squashed version in 450 words or less.
So, in the spirit of Squashed Mercedes Lackey by Abbykat, I present you with....
Time-Compressed Tamora Pierce
First quartet: Song of the Lioness
(Updated 09-08-02: I made some corrections on it that people pointed out for me. Thank you, all 20+ of you that have already commented!)
Alanna, The First Adventure
Alanna: I want to be a lady knight. Thom, let's switch places.
Thom: Okay.
Alanna and Coram go to the palace.
Ralon: Pig.
Alanna: You suck.
Alanna kicks Ralon's ass.
Jonathan: You're kinda cool, Alan.
Jonathan and Alanna become friends. Alanna heals him from the Sweating Sickness.
Jonathan: Hi Uncle Roger.
Roger: Hi Cousin. I'm evil, but only Alan knows.
Alanna: I hate you.
Roger: I hate you.
Jonathan, Alanna, and the squires go to Persopolis.
Jonathan: Because Uncle Roger hypnotized me, I'm going to the Black City.
Alanna: I'll go with you.
Alanna and Jonathan meet the Ysandir in the Black City.
Ysandir person: Alan's a girl.
Jonathan: You don't say.
Jonathan and Alanna beat the Ysandir.
Jonathan: Be my squire.
Alanna: Okay.
In the Hand of the Goddess
Alanna: Here kitty, kitty, kitty...
The Great Mother Goddess talks to Alanna and gives her a tool to see magic with and a cat.
Alanna: Hey thanks.
Faithful: Hey, I can talk to you.
Alanna: Cool. But we have to go to war now.
Tortall fights a war over the River Drell. Alanna gets captured.
Alanna: Damn.
Jonathan and others save her.
Alanna: Yay!
Tortall wins the war. Alanna and Jonathan get cozy after Alanna goes to George's mother to learn to be a girl.
Jonathan: I love you Alanna.
Alanna: Awww. *waits until Jon falls asleep* I love you too.
Alanna becomes a knight.
Alanna: Duke Roger's trying to kill the Queen. Die, bastard!
Roger: Ow. *dies*
Alanna: Ow.
Alanna and Coram leave the palace.
The Woman Who Rides Like a Man
Alanna and Coram go to the desert and are captured by Bazhir.
Alanna: Uh oh.
Bazhir dude: Be our shaman and teach these kids 'cause the other one was crazy.
Alanna: Okay.
Jonathan comes to visit. Alanna gets laid.
Jonathan: Marry me.
Alanna: No, you sick bastard.
Lioness Rampant
Alanna finds the Dominion Jewel.
Alanna: Hey, cool.
Alanna goes to George's place and gets laid by him.
Alanna: I don't like you but I'm doing this to make Jon jealous.
Alanna meets Liam.
Liam: Ooooh I like you.
Alanna: I like you too.
Smooch!
Alanna: Die, Josianne! You killed my cat! And my brother's dead! DIE BITCH!
Josianne dies.
Liam dies.
Alanna: Crap.
Roger's back.
Alanna: Crap! *kills Roger again*
Jonathan and Thayet, who Alanna saved, fall in love.
Alanna: CRAP!
George visits Alanna in the desert.
Alanna: Hey, I think I kinda like you.
George: Cool. Let's get married.
Alanna: 'Kay.
So, in the spirit of Squashed Mercedes Lackey by Abbykat, I present you with....
First quartet: Song of the Lioness
(Updated 09-08-02: I made some corrections on it that people pointed out for me. Thank you, all 20+ of you that have already commented!)
Alanna: I want to be a lady knight. Thom, let's switch places.
Thom: Okay.
Alanna and Coram go to the palace.
Ralon: Pig.
Alanna: You suck.
Alanna kicks Ralon's ass.
Jonathan: You're kinda cool, Alan.
Jonathan and Alanna become friends. Alanna heals him from the Sweating Sickness.
Jonathan: Hi Uncle Roger.
Roger: Hi Cousin. I'm evil, but only Alan knows.
Alanna: I hate you.
Roger: I hate you.
Jonathan, Alanna, and the squires go to Persopolis.
Jonathan: Because Uncle Roger hypnotized me, I'm going to the Black City.
Alanna: I'll go with you.
Alanna and Jonathan meet the Ysandir in the Black City.
Ysandir person: Alan's a girl.
Jonathan: You don't say.
Jonathan and Alanna beat the Ysandir.
Jonathan: Be my squire.
Alanna: Okay.
Alanna: Here kitty, kitty, kitty...
The Great Mother Goddess talks to Alanna and gives her a tool to see magic with and a cat.
Alanna: Hey thanks.
Faithful: Hey, I can talk to you.
Alanna: Cool. But we have to go to war now.
Tortall fights a war over the River Drell. Alanna gets captured.
Alanna: Damn.
Jonathan and others save her.
Alanna: Yay!
Tortall wins the war. Alanna and Jonathan get cozy after Alanna goes to George's mother to learn to be a girl.
Jonathan: I love you Alanna.
Alanna: Awww. *waits until Jon falls asleep* I love you too.
Alanna becomes a knight.
Alanna: Duke Roger's trying to kill the Queen. Die, bastard!
Roger: Ow. *dies*
Alanna: Ow.
Alanna and Coram leave the palace.
Alanna and Coram go to the desert and are captured by Bazhir.
Alanna: Uh oh.
Bazhir dude: Be our shaman and teach these kids 'cause the other one was crazy.
Alanna: Okay.
Jonathan comes to visit. Alanna gets laid.
Jonathan: Marry me.
Alanna: No, you sick bastard.
Alanna finds the Dominion Jewel.
Alanna: Hey, cool.
Alanna goes to George's place and gets laid by him.
Alanna: I don't like you but I'm doing this to make Jon jealous.
Alanna meets Liam.
Liam: Ooooh I like you.
Alanna: I like you too.
Smooch!
Alanna: Die, Josianne! You killed my cat! And my brother's dead! DIE BITCH!
Josianne dies.
Liam dies.
Alanna: Crap.
Roger's back.
Alanna: Crap! *kills Roger again*
Jonathan and Thayet, who Alanna saved, fall in love.
Alanna: CRAP!
George visits Alanna in the desert.
Alanna: Hey, I think I kinda like you.
George: Cool. Let's get married.
Alanna: 'Kay.