Chapter Eight "Happiness"

"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."~C.S. Lewis

The familiar sounds of the TARDIS were beginning to make Rose feel sleepy. Somehow it was different being back in her own world. Everything seemed to fit better; she wasn't sure why. The Doctor was the same as he had always been, her Doctor, the one and only. Sort of. He was acting a bit strange after a while though, tinkering about the console, responding to Rose in one or two words instead of the lively conversation she had expected.

"Is something wrong, Doctor?" Rose asked, standing next to him at the console.

"No, nothing," he replied giving her that earth-shattering smile, the one she fell for every time, even when she knew it was fake.

She should have known better by now. But Rose wanted to believe the Doctor was as happy as she was. She wanted him to be exactly as she had last seen him, telling her about how everything was going to be okay, how he'd be fine with Donna. No, Donna had said that, and she wasn't here.

"Where's Donna?" Rose asked as the thought hit her. She didn't think about the possible implications of the question until the Doctor gave her a sad look.

"She had to go," he said with no further explanation.

"What'd you mean she had to go? Where?"

"Home. She's fine. Great. Mostly."

"Why don't you just tell me what happened? Because I don't understand why she would ever go home after what happened. She said she'd stay with you forever."

"Well, she couldn't. She wanted to, but she had to go."

Rose could tell the Doctor didn't want to talk about this. It was obviously painful, as it must have been when Rose herself was trapped in the parallel world. But she needed him to talk about it. She had been counting on Donna to take care of the Doctor in her absence, but now she wasn't here, and Rose needed to know why.

"It must have been something bad," Rose said.

"Yes," the Doctor replied. Throughout this whole conversation, he hadn't looked at Rose, still pretending to be busy with his puttering.

"Why can't you tell me?"

"I can." The Doctor turned his head and looked Rose in the eye. "I just don't want to." The sadness in his words permeated the entire room. The look on his face broke Rose's heart, and she could only imagine what terrible memories she was dragging up.

"All right," she said softly. "You don't have to tell me. But I'm sorry she's not here. I always hoped she'd keep an eye on you for me."

The Doctor tried to laugh, but it came out wrong, like a strangled sob he couldn't quite get out. Rose wrapped her arms around his shoulders, knowing he didn't want her to see him cry. He was so quiet, it was as if he weren't even there, but Rose could feel the soft, worn fabric of his pinstriped suit and smell that singular Doctor smell. She closed her eyes and tried to believe everything would be all right. But she knew that coming home was only half the battle of getting her Doctor back.

After a while, the Doctor let go of Rose and turned around in a circle. "What do you want to do?" he asked. "It's been so long, we should go somewhere amazing. Spectacular. Fantastic."

Rose laughed. "You know what I want more than anything?"

The Doctor looked at her for a second, trying to guess what she wanted. "Chips?"

Rose grinned in surprise and delight. "Yeah, chips."

~oOo~

Since Rose was hungry, and they were back in London by that time anyway, the Doctor decided on a nice dinner instead of just chips. Rose explored the wardrobe for some dry clothes, and she came out in a sleeveless black dress with a red sweater. She had put her hair up loosely as she usually did, and looked somehow just like she should. Just like Rose.

They found a place that served chips amongst other more substantial things, and over dinner they talked about what had happened since they last saw each other. The nice things, anyway. There were a lot of gaps in their stories. The Doctor left out everything about Donna, his trip to Mars, and the prophecy of the Ood. However, he knew he would soon have to tell Rose about all of it. He couldn't keep travelling the universe without her knowing what could be coming at any time.

But he didn't say anything over dinner. They were having a good time, and Rose was smiling and laughing. The Doctor would hold onto that for as long as possible. Time never meant much to him except where she was concerned. There never seemed to be enough of it. Having her back now was a strange gift he had never anticipated. To be with Rose just before he died was a convoluted mix of happiness and pain.

There was a side of the Doctor that would have liked to stay this way, to keep on smiling and laughing and enjoy what little time he had left. But as they left the restaurant and stepped out into the cold night air, the Doctor knew he had to tell her everything.

Rose beat him to it though. As they walked back toward the TARDIS, hand in hand, she stopped in the deserted street. "Doctor, do you still want me to travel with you?"

The question seemed utterly absurd, but he quickly realised why she would ask. He had been distant since she arrived. "Yes!" he insisted. "Of course I do. That's all I've ever wanted since I met you. Rose, you made me who I am. Don't you remember?"

Rose nodded. "It's about Donna then?"

"No. Really, it's not." He wasn't sure how convincing that sounded. "There's something else though, and I've been trying to figure out how to avoid making it sound really horrible."

"What is it? Is something wrong?"

"Wellll, you might say that. See, I'm going to die. I don't know exactly when, but it's going to be soon. Relatively. I've been trying to avoid it, but I don't think I can keep it up. But now that you're here, that complicates things."

Rose stared for a moment like she did when he said something very complicated. Only this wasn't that complicated. She let go of his hand. "What do you mean, you're gonna die?" she finally said. "What's that mean? You don't die."

"No, but this me is going to die. I'm going to change again. I can't stop it."

"How do you know? Is there some kind of-of expiration date on Time Lord regenerations?"

"Nothing like that. There's a prophecy that says I'm going to die. It's a long story."

"But-but you can't. You just can't! I just got here!"

"Rose, I know. I never thought I'd see you again, and here you are, and that's impossible." The Doctor smiled at her. "I can't stop what's going to happen. I don't want it to happen. But that doesn't have to destroy the time we have left."

"So I just came back for what? A... farewell tour?"

"No, it's a chance to... to be happy for a while."

"For a while. Then what? You turn into someone else and I have to start all over again?"

"Rose, if you hadn't come I would have died alone. Now, I know whatever happens, you'll be there on the other side. I know it's not easy for you. Believe me, I don't like it either."

"Then why are you so calm about this?"

"Calm? I've been travelling all over the universe trying to avoid whatever's coming. I don't want to die, Rose. It's not like humans dying, but it feels like it. I am who I am because of you, and I don't want to lose that. But now that you're here, I know whatever I become won't be because I lost you, but because I found you again. Whoever I become will be better because of you."

Rose stared for a moment, as if she couldn't process the whole thing. "How soon is it?" she asked.

"I don't know," the Doctor replied. "Do you want to leave?"

"You asked me that once before," Rose said. "And I wasn't sure of the answer because I didn't know you then. I stayed, and I'm glad I did." Rose took a deep breath. "Whatever happens, Doctor, I'm staying with you. You need someone to look after you."

He smiled like a kid at Christmas, and Rose knew that was his real smile, the one he got when she had said she would travel with him forever or when she came back to him the last time.

He took her hand, and they started walking again. "Did I ever tell you Rose Tyler," the Doctor said, "I love you?"

Rose looked up at him, but he wasn't looking at her. He was still smiling, though, and there was a spring in his step. "No," Rose said. "But I've always known."

The End.

Thanks to everyone who read this story, reviewed, and added it to your favorites and alerts. I am really thrilled by the response I've gotten. Thanks also to my wonderful beta, Kex3. I had so much fun working on this story. For those who might be wondering, I'm working on ideas for a sequel, but I haven't sorted it all out yet, so I don't know when that might be coming. I also have plenty of ideas for other Doctor Who stories that I may be posting in the future.

Allons-y!