Some Do Not Like It Hot

Chapter 12: Three's a Crowd, Four's a Disaster

"And that, students, is why everything you will ever do will amount to nothing and you will all die alone and screaming in terror." intoned Mrs Nobi, in a tone rather unfitting of the dismal lecture on the futility of life she had just delivered.

The students had been listening to the seemingly deranged woman prattle on for the past 45 minutes with a mixture of annoyance and horror. The usual teacher's lectures were boring, certainly, but they were at least fairly pedestrian in their boringness. This woman, on the other hand, was completely insane; the usual drivel was replaced with what seemed like a nihilistic sermon on the pointlessness of existence and how man was destined for failure in all his endeavours. She had arrived with a trolley filled with "textbooks" which seemed more like the collected rantings of asylum patients.

"Now, turn to page 103 of the textbook "The Prognostication of Doom" and recite from the section on-" she began, before the clamour of the school bell mercifully cut her short.

Almost immediately, the students rose from their seats and flooded out of the door. Even Hikari, who would normally order the class to stand and bow, was in a rush to exit the room. She could have sworn she heard Mrs Nobi mutter something about "Poor, doomed little lambs".

"Well, that was...umm..." mumbled Hikari, quite dumbfounded by the events that had transpired. "...Interesting?"

"Sounded completely nuts to me." said Shoko, bluntly.

The others could only nod in agreement. None of them had ever seen quite such aggressive nihilism before. Sure, Asuka could be mean-spirited and vicious, and Rei was...well, whatever Rei was, but Mrs Nobi was almost farcically depressing. How she'd gotten a job as a school teacher was beyond them.

Shizu shook her head. "Well, we don't have to see her again I would imagine. Anyway, it's a Friday so we should have tomorrow off." she said.

"Yeah, that should be good." replied Hikari. "Speaking of which, it's time to be heading home. I'll see you guys around!"

"Seeya!" said Ji-Yun cheerfully, waving as she strolled off. The other girls followed suit, saying goodbye before walking away, presumably back to their homes. Before long it was just Shinji and Hikari left.

"Aren't you going home?" asked the class rep, inquisitively.

"Oh, I'm just waiting for Misato to pick me up." responded Shinji. "She should be here any moment."

Hikari smiled. "OK, no worries. I'll stick around until she arrives."

"Are you sure? I-I mean, you don't have to, I'll be fine..."

She nodded, grinning. "Don't worry about it! I've got plenty of time." she said, reassuringly. "In any case, you look like you could do with some company."

Shinji blushed a little. "Th-Thank you..." she mumbled. "Hopefully she won't be long. She should be here any second..."

"Well, that's me shopped out for one day..." said Misato, yawning as she hefted her carrier bags filled with goods into the back of her car. "Still, an excellent haul if I do say so myself!"

Asuka rolled his eyes. "If you can call about five thousand sets of lingerie an "excellent haul" I suppose so." he said snarkily. "Are those for Kaji by chance?"

"Oh shut it, Asuka." Misato replied, semi-playfully but with a hint of irritation. "Let's face it, if you were still a girl you'd be buying the same stuff. I've seen your wardrobe and it's full of-"

"Alright, alright!" snapped Asuka. "No need to rub it in...Especially as I can't wear them anymore..."

"Not entirely true." interjected Rei, as he went to put his small selection of items in the boot of the car. "Women's garments can look good on certain males. Case in point, I have often considered whether Shinji would look attractive in-"

"OK, that's MORE than enough information thank you very much!" spluttered the redhead. "For crying out loud, Rei, what's wrong with you?"

Suddenly, Misato went pale.

"Aww, crap! I just remembered!" she exclaimed, hastily bundling the last of her goodies into the back of the car. "We were supposed to pick Shinji up from school, like, 30 minutes ago!"

"Oh dear. We had best pick her up as soon as possible." said Rei.

Asuka sighed. "Well maybe if you hadn't spent so long in that underwear shop we wouldn't be running late..." he muttered. "Anyway, let's get in the car and get on with it!"

"Any second now..."

It had been nearly half an hour since Misato was supposed to have picked Shinji up. Still, however, there was no sign.

"...Say, Shinji." said Hikari. "Are you sure she's coming?"

Shinji nodded, confidently. "Of course she's coming! She wouldn't let me down like that, she's..."

She sighed, and sat down.

"...I hope so." she said, tiredly.

The class rep shook her head. She didn't mind waiting with Shinji at all, but she was appalled that Misato still hadn't arrived. There was shoddy timekeeping, and then there was this.

"Hey, Shin-chan." she said, trying to lift the mood a bit. "Seeing as tomorrow is Saturday, I don't suppose you wanted to, I dunno, go on a shopping trip with me and the girls, did you?"

Shinji's face lit up. "I...I'd love to!" she replied, happily. "I mean, you'd have to give me some help, but it'd be great, yeah!"

"Neat!" Hikari was pleased to see Shinji a bit happier. "Well, we'll arrange a time, and we can-"

Before she could finish her sentence, a familiar blue car roared into the car park, before coming to a screeching halt directly in front of the pair.

"Oh, she's here!" said Shinji. "Well, I-"

However, Hikari wasn't standing next to her anymore. Instead, she was banging on the car's window with steam practically billowing from her ears.

"Hey! What's the big idea?!" yelled the class rep. "You've kept poor Shinji here waiting for ages! You'd better have a good explanation for this!"

Almost as long as the readers have been waiting for a new chapter... thought Shinji snidely, casually leaning on the fourth wall.

Misato casually wound down the window of the MisatoMobile. "Ah, erm, sorry!" she said, sheepishly. "We got a bit...carried away doing some shopping!"

She gestured to the back seat, where Rei and Asuka were sitting; Asuka looked halfway between scared out of his mind and absolutely furious, whilst Rei wore his usual blank expression. Both were practically swimming in shopping bags, seemingly bursting with lingerie.

"Ah..." Hikari tried to contain herself a bit. She had to admit, shopping was one of her few weaknesses, so she couldn't blame Misato entirely. "Well, just so you know I think you'd better bring Shinji home about now, she looks pretty tired."

Misato got out of her car and strode over to Shinji, trying her best to look at least slightly professional.

"Sorry, Shin-chan..." she said, guiltily. "We were a bit...busy. We'll take you home!"

Shinji tried to look grateful. "Th-Thanks." she mumbled. "Say, Hikari, I'll see you tomorrow, OK?"

"Cool!" replied the class rep, beaming. "Seeya!"

"I'm so sorry about the delay, Shinji." said Misato, as she swerved to avoid a squirrel. "We completely lost track of time."

"More like YOU lost track of time." butted in Asuka. "I was ready to go ages before you suddenly remembered Shinji existed."

Shinji shook her head. "It's fine, Misato." she said. "I got to chat to Hikari for ages, so it was worth it."

Asuka rolled his eyes. "You'd better not be thinking of making the moves on poor Hikari! She's still my best friend, and if you think you can get shacked up with her you've got another thing coming!"

"Asuka, we're both girls-"

"What does that have to do with anything?" interrupted Rei. "True love has nothing to do with gender."

The redhead looked like he was about to vomit. "That's disgusting!" he wretched. "That's...that's forbidden love! It's not allowed!"

"Asuka, please! We're just friends!" Shinji exclaimed. "Hikari's been really nice to me, and- Misato, that was the turning for Rei's apartment!"

Misato grinned. "Oh, didn't I tell you? Rei's gonna be staying with us for now." she chuckled. "It isn't right leaving him in that pokey apartment."

Shinji smiled. "Oh, that's great! I hope he finds it-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" snapped Asuka. "When did we decide it was OK for Wonderboy to invade the Casa du Asuka?"

"My name is not Wonderboy, it is Rei Ayanami." said Rei, who was beginning to wonder if Asuka was ever going to stop calling him stupid names.

Misato groaned. "C'mon, Asuka, it's only for a while." she sighed. "Besides, you kinda owe him one after he defended you from those crazy thugs."

Asuka folded his arms over his chest. "Well...maybe, I guess. But that doesn't mean he can walk all over me!"

"I don't think letting him stay in our home for a bit is "walking all over us", Asuka."

The redhead considered protesting, but decided against it. She was sort of right; he did owe him. And in any case, he couldn't face a Misato lecture right now.

"...Fine." he conceded, grumpily. "But he'd better pull his weight, you hear me?"

The night, to Shinji's surprise, went fairly uneventfully. She and Rei helped sort out the chores, Misato cooked an awful meal, and that was pretty much that.

She was just going to go to bed when Misato tapped her on the shoulder.

"Say, Shinji, could you gimme a hand with something?" she said, chipper as always.

She nodded. "Sure! What needs doing?"

Misato grinned, looking a little devilish.

"Well, I can't really say right now. You'll see, just follow me."

Shinji was very, very confused. What could Misato possibly want her for that required secrecy? It was probably nothing worth getting worried about, but she did wonder.

Surely enough though, she followed Misato to her room.

"So uh, what did you want me for?"

Misato had a look on her face that was halfway between mischievous and sheepish. Shinji didn't like it one bit.

"Well, I've got a bit of a dilemna here." she replied. "I'm going on a date with Kaji soon, and..."

She then proceeded to upend a bag onto her bed, spilling several sets of rather outlandish looking underwear onto the sheet.

"I'm kinda torn as to what to wear. Red's kinda my colour, but I'm not sure about the bows. And this little number looks pretty good with the chains, but I dunno if he'd be into it, and...Shinji, are you OK?"

Shinji, for her part, appeared to be sweating profusely, with an expression that was a halfway point between "I have no idea what to say here" and "Please, sweet Death, deliver me from this predicament". Misato got the impression she wasn't overly thrilled.

"I...I, uh..." she began, trying her damnedest to maintain her composure. "I don't think I'm the best person to ask about that..."

"Nonsense!" Misato replied with a wink. "There's no other girls I can ask around here after all, and I trust your opinion. Now, excuse me whilst I try these on, I want your advice on what suits me."

The girl's face went a bright shade of red. "What?! I-I-I can't do that!" she gasped. "I mean- I can't just-"

"Oh come on, are you seriously telling me you've never wanted to see me in my underwear?"

Asuka stretched out on the sofa, yawning.

"Well, I don't know about you, Rei, but I'm actually starting to get used to this whole sex-swap thing!" he sighed. "It's kinda liberating, not having the boys staring at me like a piece of meat!"

"I don't understand." replied Rei. "I have never considered you even remotely reminiscent of a rasher of bacon when you were female."

Asuka rolled his eyes. "Geez, I forgot who I was talking to." he muttered. "What I mean is, the boys aren't ogling me or drooling over me anymore. It's refreshing in a way. I think I like it!"

The blue haired boy simply nodded. "I understand. Though I have noticed that the female members of our class have instead began observing you as sexually attractive. I noticed one girl in particular who-"

"OK, that's probably too much information, Rei."

Asuka sometimes wondered about Rei. He barely seemed to have changed much in demeanour since the incident, and he was really, really odd. Brutally honest, socially inept and emotionally stunted. But on the other hand, he supposed, he wasn't all bad- he had fought to protect him from those nutty delinquents without being ordered to, after all. That took guts, and loyalty. And for all his social incompetence, he'd been a decent shopping partner.

He still wasn't sure he liked him...but he respected him at the very least.

"Still, speaking of the girls, I won't lie- I can see why idiots like the stooges are always perving over 'em so much." he said, salaciously. "It's weird, ever since this happened, I've seen 'em in ways I never thought I would."

"That will be testosterone, Soryu." replied Rei.

"Eh, maybe. But c'mon, surely you feel it too, right?" he continued. "Like, Hikari...she was always just my friend, but now? She's pretty cute."

He chuckled to himself. He couldn't believe he was talking like this, but somehow he didn't care.

"What about you? Anyone you fancy?"

Rei shook his head. "I don't know. I am not sure I know how to feel."

Asuka sighed loudly. "For goodness' sake, dude, surely some of them must make you wanna...you know!"

He shook his head again. "I'm sorry, I don't think I follow."

"For the love of...Are there any you think are sexy?"

For the first time Asuka remembered witnessing, Rei blushed. Quite profusely in fact.

"I...I'm sorry, I'm not used to this." he said, still in his usual monotone but with a hint of embarrassment. "But, I will admit, I do find Shinji quite sexually attractive in her current state."

Asuka stifled a laugh. "Shinji?! Really? That loser?"

Rei nodded. "Yes. She is vulnerable and has always been kind to me, and I feel a desire to protect her." He sounded very convicted.

"Well, if you say so...That is kinda hilarious, though, you and stupid Shinji, heh heh."

The blue-haired boy did not seem to see the funny side. He stared at Asuka with an almost hurt expression.

"I mean, I guess I can see it. The flat chest is some people's thing, and she does have kind of a cute butt-"

The two were interrupted by a shriek of horror from Misato's room, followed by a string of unintelligible babbling.

"Hey, calm down, Shinji!" came Misato's voice. "I was only wondering if you thought it looked good on me!"

Well, looks like Shinji just got acquainted with "help Misato pick a date outfit" duty, thought Asuka. Yep, I am definitely starting to appreciate this Y chromosome...

***TO BE CONTINUED*** (Eventually)

So, yeah. This took...way longer than it should have. I could bore you with the details/excuses, but I'll summarize it with "IRL shit got in the way". Still, the show must go on, no matter how slowly, and I've recovered some of my "mojo" so hopefully this will actually be getting updated more than once a year now.

Next time on Some Do Not Like It Hot: Shinji goes shopping with Hikari and chums! Rei and Asuka begin to bond! And a certain group of nutjobs who forgot it isn't the 1970s anymore make their return!